Forgetting How to Dream

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP Adrianna grunted as she awoke from her sleep, although it wasn't the intrusive beeping that actually woke her. She is a very heavy sleeper and her alarm tents to enter and adapt to her dreams, begging her to stay in her dream land. The saving grace of her exiting the enticing dream world was actually her Iwatch, gently vibrating on her wrist. She found it the only effective way to wake up from a world she found much more welcoming than her current reality. She sat up abruptly, eyes wide as she realized that her alarm wasn't just set for her to start her usual, repetitive existence and daily tasks, but today was another first day. An important first day. *** I know I have to get up and put effort into my appearance if I want to make a good first impression, but I find it hard after experiencing so many first days that I entered willing and ready, only to be let down. Regardless, I made my way over to my soft, plush gray seat in front of a bright and clean mirror, ready to put on my makeup. I know this process well now and automatically get to work changing the curves on my face to seem more flawless.. More 'carelessly' beautiful. The process of lifting my cheekbones and applying a deep pink blush that accentuates my large green eyes and preppy natural blond hair. If only people knew the lengths I went to, to seem careless about my appearance, knowing that internally my insecurities did not match that cool demeanor. *Ring Ring Ring* Right on time. "Good Morning Mace, are you already ready?" "I was born ready Addie, are you?!" She said in her usual upbeat tone. "Nearly, I just need to pick out my outfit" I responded as I finished curling the parts of my fringe that I left out of my long pony tail, held up by my lucky red silk scrunchy. "Perfect, let me in and I'll help!" She said as I started to hear an echo behind my door in sync with the noise on my phone before I hear the three beeps, signaling that she hung up . She burst through my bedroom door, already making a b-line for my closet. Macey and I have been friends since I can remember. We do everything together and naturally live in side by side townhouse units with conjoined backyards. We live in a very safe neighborhood, and have high yard fences lined with beautiful green foliage that make our space private, so we have always left the backdoor open for each other. "Addie, you should have done this already, don't you know how important today is?" She said as she tossed dress after dress out of my cupboard and onto my bedroom floor. "Of course I do.. I just wasn't feeling great last night so I fell asleep early. Plus, I knew that you would be over to change what I chose anyway" "Haha, you're right. You know my thoughts on making a first impression, and I know your thoughts on blending in when you're naturally intimidatingly beautiful. If it were up to you, you would hide that, but that's why you have me!" She blurted out with her normal beaming smile plastered on her face. She held out an off-the-shoulder top with a sweetheart neckline in black, in quick succession of my favorite light blue, high-waisted skinny jeans with rips on the knees and a black belt with a rose gold buckle. Most would look plain in such an outfit, but for me, I found it was offset by my bright hair, matching rose gold piercings that appear in many places on my ears and my noticeable eyes, one of the only features I am confident in. But I am happy with her choice as it really does make me look hot. Almost unapproachable, but that is how I like it. The jeans do their job and hug my waistline, making it appear thin, over my naturally thick lower curves that I find most girls envy. Pity they don't know that I lose my appetite when I think about those curves. The curves match my top half as I fill out the shirt flawlessly. It isn't often I feel this comfortable in my outfits, but Mace has always known how to make me feel comfortable and confident. We have never competed with one another like most girlfriends do, because we compliment each other. Her dark silky hair and delicate pale complexion is completely different to my ashy blond hair and olive skin, but we are similarly intimidating in our beauty and grew into it together, so we have never felt threatened by each other, especially since we have been inseparable for so long and loved each other well before we grew into women. I complete my outfit with tall black leather booths that further accentuate my curves, and we walk out my front door together. We decided to take my car today, so I unlocked it and she sat in the passenger seat as I walked to the driver's seat, noticing that my nerves were worse than I thought as my hands had started shaking. I sat down and breathed intentional deep breaths to calm my nerves as I heard Macey talking about her excitement, though her words didn't really register in my brain as I was busy calming myself down. I shouldn't have been this nervous. I've been through enough firsts to know that it isn't as lifechanging as it feels. It makes sense though, because the real first I am experiencing isn't just going to campus for the first time with Macey, it's a pact made with myself to abstain from men. Something I had never had the strength to do before as I require a lot of validation and hate going to sleep alone. After the last heartbreak, though, I know something has to change. I don't know what I would do without Mace by my side, but it isn't fair that she has to consistently pick up the broken pieces of me and hold them together, because I quickly enter relationships with men that treat me so well and make me feel so valued before having their fill of my body and then leaving when they realize i have more depth than they want in their life. Since I was a little girl, I have been dreaming about the day I will meet my soulmate. Wondering when it will happen and what it will feel like, but I became obsessed with the idea and after having my heart broken the first time, shattering the idea that it was him, I found myself in a cycle, constantly looking for the high of being treated like I was special to someone. After some time my standards dropped dramatically without my knowledge because I was too focussed on trying EVERY option, wanting to feel accepted, instead of waiting for it to happen slowly and naturally. "Addie.. Addie? ADDIE!" Macey pulled me from my thoughts. "Where were you?" She said as I realized I had completely zoned out and ignored what she was saying. "I was just thinking... about my pact. You know I've been avoiding going out, so I can't run into men that distract me from my year about me... But we're about to walk into the hottest California campus, notorious for babes. I'm just worried I'll forget about the pain guys cause and jump into the arms of the first guy that smiles at me. I can't do it again Mace." "I'm sorry Addie... You've been through too much and had some really bad luck. But I'm going to be right by your side to keep you focussed on what matters, and today, that is starting our degree in Interior design." Macey looked over to me with a soft smile as I rounded the last corner to the campus, not remembering the trip there. But what she said worked as I stayed present from that moment, excited as I remembered our plans to get our degree and start a business together, doing what we love. I returned the smile and parked in the campus car park. I could already see a group of people that were clearly already familiar with each other turning their heads to look at us in my car. It wasn't exactly subtle. I own a bright, cherry red Porsche. Part of the rather large inheritance I received when my father passed away last year. If only it made up for the damage he caused. I'm relieved though that people have almost given up feeling sorry for me and apologizing for my loss, putting me in a position where I have to put on a sad and thankful face in return for their condolences when, in reality, it only triggered guilt in me for feeling so relieved that I won't have to face him again. *Beep Beep* I locked my car as we walked towards the entrance of the campus, already knowing where to go since we had taken an orientation day. We had already received our course books (books that Macey had read from cover to cover in her usual overachiever style), so it was only a matter of getting to class and taking our seats. Or so it should have been. It's just my luck that I turned down a hallway and collided with what felt like a brick wall. Slightly confused, I gathered my thoughts as I was sitting on the ground, and before I could grasp what had happened, I heard something that brought all my nerves right back, stripping me of my confidence. "Watch where you're going, preppy Polly". I looked up at him, submissive to the insult he threw at me, still silent and sitting in confusion. Before I could respond, I heard Macey attack, knowing this wouldn't end well for him, so I started gathering up my books as I listened. "Preppy Polly? Who the hell do you think you are?! I could say the same for your friend! You both didn't see us coming either and should apologize for being a rude prick!" Macey continued on her rant that clearly stunned the guy who insulted me, but I was pulled from listening as I noticed some of my books were not in my hand, but no longer on the floor either. How could I have forgotten that it wasn't just that insensitive prick here, but also his brick wall friend. Although, compared to his friend, the obstacle I encountered had bent down and collected the remaining books for me, offering a gentle apologetic smile and a helping hand to get me up. When I actually looked at him, I was taken aback by how handsome he was. I don't think I've seen such a perfect human. He had tousled brown hair and Hazel eyes. His features were strong and his t-shirt clearly outlined the muscles I knew laid beneath. He had tanned skin and probably stood 6ft 1 or 2". Luckily, I remembered the conversation Macey and I had just had in the car and tore my eyes from him, remembering that he had knocked me down. Accident or not, I wouldn't give him the opportunity to take space in my head. I rejected his helping hand and dusted myself off, collecting my books from his hand. I turned to Macey with a 'he's not worth it' smile and took her hand, leading her through the 2 guys and into our class. Knowing that the mysterious handsome guy I ran into did not take his eyes off me until we entered the lecture room. *** "That was EVERYTHING we were hoping for, Addie! It sounds like we're going to get so much from this degree!" I smile and nod in agreement as we walk towards the cafeteria for a lunch break before we enter our secondary business class. I opt out of getting much to eat but buy my usual medium double shot caramel latte. Mace, in her usual style, practically bought out the cafeteria, trying all kinds of food and forcing me to try the things she liked best. All seemed good in the world and I had even regained my confidence and excitement over the course of the morning, but just as I let myself relax into the environment, I heard a plate hit the table next to Macey, followed by the same sound on the table next to me. The guys we encountered this morning had taken it upon themselves to join us for lunch. I sat in silence, knowing Macey would speak for both of us, not minding it, because we generally shared our thoughts on most things and it meant the attention in the conversation was generally on her. But unlike usual, she didn't get a word in before the guy next to her spoke. "I'm Ryley, I think we got off on the wrong foot." He spoke quickly and directed his comments to Macey. It was clear that her fiery personality was attractive to him, but I knew she wasn't that easy to win over. "I'm not sure we did, since my impression of you wasn't great, and it seems to fit." His face dropped quickly to something that resembled defence. "I know, I know. I was just running on adrenaline because of the excitement for our first class and wasn't thinking. But you didn't have to respond so negatively either. 'Preppy Polly' can be taken as a compliment, you know?" He defended himself in a whiny voice and I could see Macey already preparing to attack again. They oddly fought like an old couple after only just meeting each other and I found that interesting, as usually Macey was flirty and fake with most guys. Protecting herself from the same pain she saw me endure, but it was obvious that Ryley caught her off guard and riled her up. Macey started her speech about how, as my best friend, she would automatically defend me from such jerkish behavior, but I couldn't exactly listen to the conversation as for the first time, I heard the handsome guy sitting next to me speak. I had almost forgotten he was there and immediately felt my face blush, but tried to hide it as I was adamant about staying away from men this year. "Hi, I'm Asher, but you can call me Ash. Sorry about bumping into you earlier, are you okay?" Oh god, the sensitive approach. I knew I couldn't handle this long and he'd only spoken one sentence. That one sentence though, such a smooth low voice. It sent shivers of pleasure up my spine. "Hi Asher, I'm Addison. I appreciate the apology but it was as much my fault as it was yours. I'm sorry about Macey though, she's just not fond of people insulting me." Asher giggled gently in response "That's okay, I can see why she would be protective of you". I looked up and our eyes met. God. The tension. I ripped my eyes away from him and stood up. "Come on Macey, its time for our next lecture." Macey stopped mid insult and looked up at me. She understood her queue so she picked up her things and we left. I could see that Asher had a curious face, but I wasn't staying around to be a part of his alluring play to make friends with me. The last thing I needed was to be heartbroken by someone who DID meet my standards. The relationship had already played out in my head and I stayed strong by leaving, feeling empowered by my strength to leave the conversation first, something I had always struggled to do, even with guys who I wasn't that interested in, since I internally craved the attention, a need that I didn't really have met as a child. The rest of the day seemed to pass quickly, though business definitely wasn't as exciting as the interior design so the lecture itself seemed to drag on. *** Macey and I made it home after our first day and I decided it was a good time to treat myself to a bath, since it was our first day and all. #selfcare After saying goodnight to Mace, I went into my unit and straight upstairs to my bathroom. Reluctantly, I stripped out of my first day apparel, slightly sad because I liked the outfit, and felt much more comfortable in it than I felt naked. As I let water run into the bath, extra hot with my favorite blue coconut bath bomb fizzing, I stood waiting, unable to tear my eyes from the large mirror that sat above the sink. You could say that our units were nice. We didnt't just rent them, I bought them after my father died to move Macey and I from our hellhole of a hometown, though we have had to regularly visit since to collect the last of our things. The conjoined units weren't exactly what you're most likely thinking, they're more like mini lux city apartments. Another perk of my inheritance. The bathroom matched the house. Luxury. The mirror had soft backlighting that most girls would kill for, but I felt so out of place staring at it. It's not that I hate my body. I know that most girls envy it, but they never see me naked. They don't know what it's like to stare in disgust. It's not that I hate my body, its that I struggle to love the soul that it houses. That's why I punish myself. Not because my body isn't nice, but deep down I feel that I deserve the pain, and so does my body. Before my bath overflowed, I left my thoughts to turn the tap off. Finally. I may struggle to look after myself, but baths really are my escape. My favorite thing to do for myself, and above all the other nice features of our units, I really picked them for the bathrooms. I sat down in the nearly boiling water, completely content as I shut my eyes and let the burning water soothe my skin. More like soothe my soul. At least when I get out of my baths, I feel a tiny bit of respite from my internal self-hatred, something I am trying hard to let go of. I feel respite because it is as if the hot water burns away the pain in me and replaces it by letting me focus on the warmth. When I finally got out, I looked in the mirror again, but this time, my eyes weren't so harsh on my appearance. I let myself dwell on that contentment as I got dressed and went to bed as I had spent a lot more time than intended there and didn't feel like eating.