It Has Always Been You

If three gallons of ice cream can't make me feel damn better I don't know what will. I dared to look around my room for the first time in days, there are crumpled tissues all over my bed and floor, probably from all of my crying sessions. Two open boxes of large pizza with bread crusts left on the right side of my bed and on the other side are my worn clothes scattered everywhere. Some left over fast food paper bags in my bedside table ruining the look of my beautiful square lamp. Alright, for the first time I'll admit,  I'm a mess. For the last four days this is what my life has been. Binge watch to sad and depressing movies, cry and laugh like a crazy person, order food and shut the world. I took an indefinite leave from my work. I am useless right now and good thing I hired a trusty and dependable manager to run the pharmacy while I'm recuperating from this bullshit heartache. On February 17th, Luke Sinclair and I broke up. Even when we were only been dating for like three months I loved and cared for him. I was sincere all throughout our relationship. We met during my vacation trip to Boracay with my friends. We exchanged numbers, texted, videocall, met up in my city when we got back and then weeks after he decided to pursue me as his girlfriend. One month after, I said yes. He works here in Bacolod City as an engineer but he's originally from Iloilo City. All through the courtship and our relationship I could say I was happy and contented. He would pick me up after work, we'd eat dinner and rate the restaurants we've tried. Watch movies. Hanging out with our friends.  I've introduced him to my entire family when he was just courting me and he did the same. Every weekend he visits his family, sometimes I would come with him but most times I'm swamp at work. My parents don't say anything about him, they're civil to him. And I was okay with that. On the other hand, my cousins and brothers don't like him and I don't know why. He's cute, smart, and he likes me. So I just shrugged off their opinions about him every time it comes up because I trust him and I believe in what we have.  But on that night, I've been slapped with the truth, he's a real piece of jerk. My cousins has been right all along. He's a douchebag that doesn't deserve to breath or even be alive in this world. A nincompoop. A piece of trash.We stalked his other social media account and gathered help from our friends who also know him. We found out where he was going to hang out that night. After knowing the place we immediately booked a ticket to the city of Love, Iloilo City.The moment we entered the bar, we looked for him right away, and there, in one of the couches we caught him brushing his lips and nudging his body to a skank. I feel more humiliated than broken. I can't believe I'm being cheated on. Good thing I listened to my instinct and to my cousins. Alex and Sam were with me. I am thankful because I really needed the support. Alex bought a bottle of whiskey in the convenience store earlier on our way to the bar I don't know what for but when she poured it to Luke it made my lips curve. I know it's evil yet I can't stop myself from smiling. Sam was shocked too but she managed to let out a laugh. He stopped kissing the girl and turned to our direction. Luke was too stunned to react. It's like he's seeing a ghost. I confronted him, I shouted at him to let my anger out and he explained that he's doing what he is doing because he cannot stand my "no s*x before marriage" rule. There were some "f**k you's" from my cousins after his shallow explanation and I slapped him. Hard. So hard that my hand left a mark on his shameless face. I can't believe he's cheating on me using that rule as an excuse. He could have confronted me. We were the apple of the eye in the entire bar but I don't really care about a thing right now. I just wanted to let all of my frustrations out. After lashing out, Sam and Alex brought me back, they literally dragged me, to our hotel and ordered tequila to rinse my heartache away. The next morning we were all hang over but Sam still managed to book a trip home. It only takes one hour to travel by sea from Iloilo to Bacolod. Right after I arrived in my condo, I did what I have to do, lock the door and cry. Cry my heart out. I never shed a tear when we were in Iloilo because I don't want my cousins to see me broken. I'm always the wise and strongest one among us. I can't let some douchebag ruin my reputation.  My brothers and cousins would alternate on visiting me, checking up on me and bring food just to make sure I eat on time. I'm glad to have them in my life. My parents phoned me right after hearing the news from my brothers asking if I was okay and they would cut their trip short to be here for me but I insisted that I'm okay and I can handle everything. I know they've worked so hard to finally set an appointment with their future client. They're currently in Italy to attend meetings for their business and they won't be back until the end of the month. I am sitting on my bed on a Wednesday. I am used to work, work, and work. This is not the Tashana Vasquez that I know. It's like I've been woken up from a nightmare in just a snap. I realized that I am wasting my life grieving for a nincompoop-jerk-imbecile-stupid person. I stood up and collected all the trash. I turned the air-condition off, opened the window and put on some music to lift up my mood. I went out to the kitchen to get a trash bag. Lo and behold, the place was in total shambles. I stopped and studied my kitchen and living room and it is f*****g devastating. Everywhere I look, all I see are garbage. Drawers are open, dirty utensils in the sink, and food boxes scattered everywhere. I've been living in a shithole for days. Oh, god. It took me two whole hours to clean my messy condominium. It's tiring but so worth it. It's so spotless. I sprayed lavender air freshener all over and turned on my mist diffuser with my lavender chamomile essential oil. I fixed myself a hot cocoa and a piece of cake I found inside my refrigerator. I sat on my comfy sofa and turned on my phone. I feel refreshed because of the clean surroundings and the organic air I'm breathing. I'm enjoying my snack while scrolling through my messages, a lot of people reached out to me asking if I was okay. I gave a heart reaction in each sweet messages, they say I was brave and strong. After replying and explaining to my closest friends, I lied down and turned the television on but I set it to mute, I feel exhausted from all the cleaning. I closed my eyes and asked myself how did I end up like this? I don't want to be the pathetic Tashana once again. I don't want to become like the old Tashana that would cry over a man just because her feelings weren't reciprocated. I woke up from the continuous sound of the door bell. I checked the time and it's eleven in the evening. I turned off the television and hurriedly walked towards the door because, whoever is outside they're banging the door and crying my name out loud. I don't want my neighbors to complain about me in the association. I opened my door and, alas, it's my cousins. Drunk cousins and my dearest brother. Alexandra, Samantha, Ysabelle, Portia, Bryle, and my brother Louis. Not complete but complete enough to drive me crazy. "You know door bell was created for you to not hurt your knuckles." I said. "They're not as bright as me." Portia mumbled but still enough for them to hear and she instantly got three pairs of angry eyes staring at her. Louis and Bryle laughed. Ysa made her way inside and lied on the couch followed by Alex, Portia, and Sam. Bryle and Louis stayed outside so I waited for them. "We're just dropping them here. Didn't you see our texts?" Louis asked with a hint of worry in his voice. "I fell asleep after cleaning my whole apartment. And for the nth time I am okay." I annoyingly said. They're asking me nonstop if I'm okay since that unfortunate event happened. "Where are you guys off to?" I added. "We can't leave behind some pretty chicas in the wild. That's like saying no to a blessing." Bryle said with a playful smile. "Ugh, man w***e!" I replied and rolled my eyes. They both laughed at my reaction. Sometimes I think their karma was passed unto me. They're playboys ever since I became aware of the earth. "We better get going. Take care, sis." Louis said and kissed me on my forehead. Bryle hugged me and they left. I locked the door and went straight to my living room. I found the four of them eating the cake I didn't finish earlier. I walked pass them to get some more food. "You waste money for liquor but can't afford to feed the beasts in your stomachs." I said loudly so they could hear me from the kitchen. "We can't hear you." Sam shouted back which was followed by their giggles. I took a bread and peanut butter from my pantry. They're always like this. Whenever they are drunk they would crash at my place rather than going home. This has been our routine. My condo is our hang out place ever since I purchased it. It's fine with me but sometimes they are annoying especially when I have work to finish. But what can I do? I love them so much even when I want to strangle them sometimes.  I put the bread and peanut butter on the table. I sat between Sam and Porsh. Ysa is laying on the other sofa while Alex is sitting on my yellow bean bag chair looking intently at her phone. Ysa stood up and opened the curtain I closed after cleaning earlier. I must say, my place has a beautiful view. I live on the 19th floor. My eyes welcomed the fabulous city lights of the City of Smile. My living room is facing the night lights, thanks for the big casement windows. For a moment I almost forgot that I have this incredible view. "You're one lucky girl to see this every night, Tash." Ysa said as she stood still in front of the window looking outside. "Yeah." I agreed. Porsh is making a sandwich now and Sam took over the sofa Ysa has been on while Alex is still busy on her phone. I took one sandwich. Porsh smiled at me and stood up. I turned the television on and programmed it to Netflix. Portia came back with a carton of orange juice and one glass. When we were growing up we used to share things with each other and until now we still do it, but not toothbrush, just to make things clear. Porsh took the first drink followed by Sam, me, Ysa and Alex who is still busy with whatever she's doing on her phone.  "Oh, can we watch horror?" Ysa asked. Sam instantly shook her head and said, "You know I hate horror movies!" "Or we could watch porn." Alex naughtily suggested. "Ew! You're so gross, Alex!" Portia replied and made a disgusted face. "What? As if you haven't watched one." "What about love story? Or The Parent Trap." I jumped in before their harmless banter turns into an argument. My cousins always fight over petty reasons. I am the youngest among the five of us here yet I feel like I am the the eldest. "The Parent Trap it is!" Sam agreed and Ysa lied beside her as I maneuver the television.  The parent trap has been our favorite movie ever since we first saw it on a barge. I played the video and we all watched in silence. We were on the way home when we first saw it, we didn't finish watching it because the barge has docked before the movie ends and we need to disembark, obviously. It was a family vacation so we're all complete. From my grandma, uncles, aunts, my parents, siblings and down to all of my cousins. The family tree is complete, except for grandpa who is already in heaven, bless his soul. Grandma wanted us to go home with her in San Enrique, their hometown. It is where grandma is residing. She just can't leave the place, sometimes I think it is because of the memories she and grandpa shared in that house.  It's two hours away from the city. The minute we arrived in the house we all went straight to the theater room to watch The Parent Trap but it wasn't on Netflix. We were still kids and we don't have credit cards to purchase the movie online. We begged grandma and she said she will buy the movie in one condition. Without hesitation we all agreed to whatever grandma's deal. The next thing we know she introduced us to a skinny boy, wearing thick black eyeglasses, blue shirt, and a khaki pants with headphones on his neck. Grandma said he's new to town and has no friends yet and she reminded us to be nice before introducing him. He'll probably just get bullied by Carter, Louis, Bryle and Red. He joined us watching the movie but he was quiet the whole time. And to my surprise he got along pretty well with the boys. "Do you guys remember when we first saw this movie?" Sam asked. "I do!" We all replied in unison and laughed. "Do you remember we begged grandma to buy it online?" I asked them. "Yeah. We were unstoppable back then." Alex replied. "And grandma likes to spoil us." Portia seconded. "Shh! You guys are ruining my concentration." Ysa hissed.Portia threw a pillow at her that made us laugh and we all fell into silence again. His name was Knox Lagdameo, he was kind of a nerd. He was from France but when he came to the Philippines he stayed with his grandmother, Rose, best friend of my grandma Lucy. He's four years older than me. I was ten and he was fourteen when grandma introduced him to us that night. He's the same age as my brother, Carter.  He grew closer to my brothers and cousins. Every summer we would always leave the city to stay at grandma's house and he would always be there, everyday, sometimes he even sleeps in the boys bedroom too. They would have their little slumber parties and would talk about girls all night. I know because we would always spy on them.  I am annoyed with him most of the time, because he'd make fun of my cousins but not me. I feel like he has his favorites. I feel like I am invisible to him. I want to be close to him also. Sometimes I think he hates me because he rarely smile and talk to me. Every time our eyes collides, he's always quick to glance away. As if I have a virus that can spread through eye contact.  Three words, I HATE HIM.  He once sang a song for Ysa in front of us with the presence of our grandmothers. He always teases Sam. He taught Portia how to play a guitar. He and Alex has secrets together.  Me and him? None. Zero. Zilch. Grandma's house is huge, the front lawn is full of her different kind of flowers but it's dominated by her lovely abundant orchids. All in different colors. The back of the house is much more beautiful than you can ever imagine, pristine water and fine white sand beach that is so peaceful and quiet. I am so glad Grandma didn't sell the place when Grandpa died years ago. This place is magical. Most of the time I would wake up earlier than my cousins so I could enjoy the beach all to myself. I would read a book or just enjoy the serene view. I always love looking at the calm sea and collecting seashells along the seashore. I used to make bracelets out of them and give them to the helpers or to their kids. One time, Knox even helped me collect shells.  I was back from reverie when I felt someone's nudging my shoulder.  "Tashana Vasquez, are you listening?" Alex said with an irritated face. "Yeah." I lied. "Then tell me what did I just say." she challenged me. "You asked if I'm listening." I innocently answered and poured myself a juice. Alex groaned. While Ysa and Sam chuckled at my answer. "Knox is finally coming home!" Alex exclaimed. I almost burst out the liquid inside my mouth. My eyes widened. Shock is an understatement of what I'm feeling right now. Why is he coming back after nine long years? Why now? Why? "Good for him." I managed to reply and continued to drink the juice.. "You don't look excited at all." Portia said and studied my face. "And you look pale." She added. "Anyway, we should plan a party for him!" Sam suggested. Thank you, Sam! I shouted inside my head. "I am so excited! I'm sure grandma would be thrilled too." Ysa blurted out.  "How did you know he's coming home?" I asked. A bit curious. "We never lost touch." Alex casually replied like it was not a big deal. I admit, I feel a little bit jealous. Sometimes I wish I was more like Alex, friendly, bubbly and easy to talk to. But I'd rather die than contact him first. Our last conversation didn't end up well. Oh, I still remember it like it just happened yesterday. I wish the ground has swallowed me that day or a tornado hit me and brought me anywhere just far away from Knox's sight. We surprised him with a farewell party at grandma's house. We even invited his friends from his school. The food was prepared by the helpers but I insisted that I am the one to bake the cake. It was a beach party so we are all at the beach. Enjoying the water and booze.  That day I was arguing with myself if I should tell Knox about what I feel for him before he leave for London. I don't know what to tell him or when because of my brothers, cousins, and the visitors. I was so nervous the whole time. Good thing my brothers, Carter and Louis, bought a lot of booze.  By afternoon, they were all tipsy and drunk. They're dancing and singing inside the cottage. I am seated in one of the canopy when I saw Knox went inside the house, when he was few meters away, I fixed myself and followed him in a rush. I waited for him outside the sliding door of the kitchen. After a few minutes he got out with a pitcher of cold water. "Knox, I have something to tell you." I said. Feeling all nervous. I feel like hyperventilating. It's now or never, I said to myself. I know he feels something for me too, I can feel it, sometimes. We grew closer together during our trip to Cebu last year. He became friendly to me. We always text each other when I'm in Bacolod.  When he has free time he would come visit me. Me. Not my cousins nor my brothers. Me. Tashana Vasquez, not the other Vazquezs'. We would visit places I've never been to. We would always do fun activities. We'd go camping and hiking. Road trip to several cities.  He'd always pick me up and drive me home. We enjoyed each other's company but none of my brothers or cousins know that we see each other often since last year. None of them know that we share this kind of bond. I like to keep it that way, and I feel like he feels the same way too. Whatever is going on between us,  I am happy and contented. And when he broke the news that he's going back home to France to be with his mom, it crashed my heart. We were just starting. Our story is just starting. How could it end like this? But I was persistent.  We looked at each other for a long time. He didn't say a word he just waited to whatever I'm going to say. "I like you, Knox." I confessed. Enough for both of us to hear. I'm afraid the helpers will find out if I higher my voice. "No, you don't like me." He coldly replied and walked past me. How could he say that? As if he entirely know what I feel about him.  "I said I like you now and I like before even when I was just a kid." I retorted. He continued to walk as if my confession isn't that big of a deal. "I like you, Knox!" I shouted when he continued to walk away. Not thinking who might hear. I just want to get his attention. I just wanted to let it all out. I just wanted to let him know. Finally, he stopped walking and faced me. I looked straight into his beautiful soulful brown eyes. Those are the eyes I want to get lost to. Those are the eyes I wanna see everyday. "You're still a kid." He said as if he's also convincing himself. "And you're just like a sister to me." He added and walked back to the beach to join the others as if nothing happened.How can he act like that?Was it all just my illusion?That he likes me? That something is going on between us? What about the memories we made? What about the time we spent together? I'm not a kid anymore, I will be eighteen soon and two years isn't that long. If I'm old enough will he consider me as his girlfriend?  I have so many questions to ask him but my tongue got tied up. Tears came streaming down  my cheeks without my permission. And on that one summer afternoon, I stood there crying, and heartbroken for the first time in my life.