Secrets & Surrender

chapter 1 Mandi 1991 Growing up with a secret meant living in the shadows, keeping your heart closed off. It was a world I had let only a couple of people into—until I met Nic. If I’d known the sacrifices he would make to bring me into the light of his love, I never would’ve surrendered to him. At my feet, laid the one person who had given up his life for me. I stood helpless underneath the bright Texas sun, undeserving of his love, waiting for the inevitable dark clouds to roll in and pull me back into the dark where I belonged. Kneeling, I placed a hand over Nic’s chest and the other on his head. Strands of silk fell between my fingers. Even now, I was surprised by the softness of the man who was in my arms. I must’ve touched him hundreds, if not thousands, of times since we’d first started dating. Regret and guilt warred within me: regret for the time I wasted pushing him away and guilt for failing to keep him out of my life. He stirred, the movement causing a wet warmth to spread underneath my hand. “Don’t move,” I whispered, silently wishing for magical powers to take away his pain. A deep guttural sound escaped his perfectly shaped lips. Sweat beaded his brow, plastering his dark hair against a pale face. He was so beautiful—too beautiful for me and my crazy life. I’d been right all along. I never should’ve have given in to him. I should’ve stood my ground and said “no.” Tracing the stubble along his jawline, I choked back a sob at the sight of his heartachingly handsome face twisted in agony. There wasn’t a woman alive who could say “no” to Nic Marcelli, and I wasn’t any different. He’d had his charm on full blast since the day I’d met him. And that day was the happiest and the most miserable I’d ever been. “Mandi . . .” His voice was a hoarse gasp. “Juan?” “Shh. Julian’s with him. He wasn’t hurt.” The pad of my thumb gently stroked his velvet skin as I prayed desperately that this was all a joke, that this was just his way of trying to get me to touch him, just like the first time he’d tricked me into kissing him. I took in a shaky breath, ignoring the screaming sirens. I closed off Julian’s voice as he argued with the police, who were dragging Juan into the patrol car. I wanted to escape all of this mess, run away with Nic, and pretend the past few days hadn’t happened. I leaned over him, hovering inches above his face. My hair fell in long cascades, making a dark curtain, separating us from the chaos. I kissed his soft lips and waited, waited for arms to suddenly wrap around me and pull me into his, waited for a flash of his lopsided grin and teasing eyes to open. There was nothing . . . just a ragged breath, a slowing heartbeat, and cold horror seeping into my chest. “Don’t you die on me, Marcelli,” my voice cracked the same words I’d said to him the night he stole my heart at Koppe Bridge. Long dark lashes slowly opened. “You’ll . . . go out . . . with me?” he gasped. “Yes, you silly man.” I cleared my throat, attempting to make my squeaky voice steady and strong. “Stay with me, Nic. You hear me. It took me forever to train you. I have you doing the laundry. You know how hard it was to do that?” There was a ghost of a smile. “Pink boxers.” I let out a chuckle, remembering the first time he’d done the laundry as a surprise for my mom. I’d fallen behind on the housework because of finals, and Juan was complaining that there were no clean clothes. Nic had tossed in a load into the washer, including the red bath towels and Juan’s boxers. “Yep. I’ve finally taught you how to separate the colors from the whites and the wonders of fabric softener.” I couldn’t hold back the tears flooding my eyes. They streamed down my cheeks. Even in pain, Nic managed to say something to make me laugh. I couldn’t lose him. God, please don’t take this man away from me. Everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve fought for, it couldn’t end like this. We deserved our happily ever after. “Mandi.” His lids struggled open until I was finally looking into pools of amber. “I love you.” “Damn it, Nic! Don’t say that. Tell me tomorrow. Tell me next week. Hell, tell me next year when we’re celebrating our anniversary. I don’t wanna hear it now because you are not dying. You are not—Nic!” His head fell back and his eyes fluttered closed. “Nic! No! Nic!” I shook him, yelling his name over and over again. When he didn’t respond, I shook harder. “Don’t leave me. I love you. Please, Nic, I can’t live without you. You’re my life. Come back to me. Please.” I looked up, frantic for someone to help me. Juan sat in the back of the patrol car, his dark eyes a mixture of hurt and shock. This was my fault, all my fault for bringing in someone from the outside into our family. All my life I’d taken care of my family. I’d kept their secrets, and now, when I’d given in and surrendered myself to love and let Nic into my heart and our family and our secrets, I was being punished for it. In the end, I’d lost everything. My breaths came out in spurts and dark spots flooded my vision. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be in a world without Nic. I laid my head over his motionless body, wailing into his chest and wishing I could turn back the hands of time. If I had a second chance, would I have had the strength to keep Nic out of my life? I closed my eyes and remembered the first time I met the only man that could ever make me want to surrender my heart.