Reflections

Chapter5:FatalEnd

After our degree ended about a year and a half later. He chose to leave the province and change his field of study. I didn’t even know he wanted to leave then. He only told me at the last minute. I couldn’t believe it. Things were not working out for me at the time, and I was so speechless I didn’t know how to react. He seemed so happy about his decision. He was so determined and sure that was what he wanted at the time. I didn’t want to be the only one standing in the way of his dreams. Especially since I didn’t even know that was what he wanted all along, but as the days bled, so did our feelings for each other.

After he moved, we started texting each other less. One morning he stopped sending me a good morning text. At night no goodnight text. Days bled to weeks, then months later I forgot he was ever a part of my life. It hurt to see what we were turning into but he was pursuing his dreams. He was finally going to be a pharmacist. I could not be prouder of his success. He was also pleased about his decision. At that point, I had no direction in my life back then. I didn’t even know what to do after graduation, but he had kept reassuring me about how everything was going to be okay. I did not need to worry because we had each other. But not anymore.

Sometimes I wish we had tried harder to be together. To fight for our relationship. Talked more, listened to each other. We might have loved each other, but love alone can never be enough. Sometimes even the old three magical words sounded so old we could not endure. I still loved him, but not enough to get back together. I kept going, never looked back. I thought if I dwelled too much on the past, I would hinder myself from new possibilities. I did not despise him because we were no longer a part of each other’s present.

The other half of the year after graduation ended with a bang, and also sealed our fate as whatever we had hoped to be the next year. Right now, we no longer talk. In our last conversation he had openly admitted that he hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. He did not even want to forgive me for all the other things he was angry at me about. Sometimes I reminisce. I tell myself I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have done things differently, but what could I have done? I’m unapologetic but still a good person, and perhaps I was the one in the wrong. That’s why our relationship didn’t work out. Why am I even blaming him when I know very well, I’m the one at fault and all of his actions were justified.