The Undecided Love

"STOP BLAMING YOURSELF"

Hospitals.

A place I don't like at all. It's always been like that; when I was a kid and got sick, I would hold the bed post when my mother tried to drag me to the hospital for a checkup.

It smelled of death; seeing different people have different ailments or on the brink of death made it worse.

It was always filled with sadness, even had reasons to hate it more after my parents death. I had to take their bodies away from here and I joined the multiple others whom I watched as a kid and felt pity for.

They say it's good for a child to bury their parents and not the other way around, but isn't it bad when the child is still too young to bury their parents?

I knew I was going to be back here but I wasn't prepared for it at all.

Junior had requested for an autopsy and with him depositing heavy cash bills to get the result as quick as possible, we waited.

"Why do you want to know when she died? " Junior asked me while dropping onto the empty seat beside me.

"I have something to say," I paused and licked my lips which was dry. I had to tell them eventually and this moment felt like the best. "Something happened last night between Grey and I."

"Is that why he left?" Andrew said, interested in whatever bomb I was going to drop.

"Maybe. We had an intimate moment. Little did I know he just wanted to have s*x with me."

I looked up to meet their eyes to see whether they were going to judge me or yell at me. So far, they were only quiet.

"Please say something..." I pleaded with them. I couldn't bear it anymore and I felt tears come to my eyes again.

"Is this the first time?" Junior finally spoke up. He looked angry and I inched away from him in fear.

"N-no. We used to be like this at the beginning and-"

"Dammit Deola," He yelled, standing up abruptly, "You know the kind of person he is. Why get intimate with him?"

"I know. That's why I stopped getting close to him. But last night was..I don't know. He came unto me. He was frustrated I've been avoiding him." I choked on my tears.

Andrew drew me in for a hug, "Chill Junior, the last thing Deola needs right now is to feel like she killed Abraham Lincoln."

Junior let out a breath and nodded, "I'm sorry Dee. I'm just angry that you kept it from us. I shouldn't have allowed him to stay."

Standing up, I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "I'm sorry too. It wasn't your fault, you didn't know." He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed my forehead, whispering 'it's going to be okay' into my ears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been three hours since we've been sitting in the hospital lobby, waiting for my grandmother's autopsy result. The clock on the wall seemed to be moving slowly.

It was quiet among us, the only sound you could hear was the sound of Drew's watch ticking and our deep breaths. I was tired of the wait.

"How long is it going to take for-"

"Junior Adelaide, the doctor would like to see you now." A nurse called out and we stood up at such a speed, one would think the seats were in fire.

After he knocked on the door and we heard a faint 'come in', we filed in. My palms were getting sweaty and my breathing was labored. I was about to turn back and wait outside till it was over.

After all, it's just to collect the result. Andrew and Junior could help me with that, but a hand on my shoulder stopped me from leaving. I turned around to meet eyes filled with worry, so I decided to stay and hear what she had to say.

"There's nothing much to see here; time since death was 9pm, cause of death was heart failure, doesn't-"

I couldn't hear anything. The only words ringing in my head was 'time since death was 9pm.'

"Sorry we took your time doctor, we'll be going now." I muttered a word of thanks and walked out of the office.

Time of death was since 9pm.

Andrew and Junior caught up to me as I reached the exit door. I was trying my best not to break down again but my emotions betrayed me. I was a sobbing mess by the time Junior hugged me.

"I know this is bad timing but Grey just texted me. He's at Dee's place." Andrew voiced out with his eyes on his phone screen and I tensed against Junior's chest. The last thing I wanted was to face him after this confirmation of my sluttish acts when my grandmother was breathing her last.

Junior sensed my discomfort and proceeded to tell Andrew to call Grey and tell him to go home. It must have sounded harsh but it was for the best right now.

"But really, I don't see the big deal if he's at your place." Andrew expressed his thoughts as our gaze locked.

"Are you serious right now? We got intimate last night, and my grandmother was two rooms away breathing her last and probably calling for me. But where was I? Enjoying the kisses from a fuckboy who only wanted to get into my pants." I yelled at him, the memory slapping in the face yet again.

"Stop blaming yourself for that Dee." Junior stepped in, "You didn't know she would pass away that night, none of us did."

"I still can't help it. I wish I had helped out more. I only gave her more stress."

"Are you kidding me?" Junior grabbed my shoulders, "You stopped school and started working so that you can take care of her and pay for bills."

"Yeah, you've been doing it all on your own without our help or our parents'. I'm sure your grandmother is proud of you and still is." Andrew said with a small smile.

The ride back home was quiet, except for music playing from the radio. I decided to sit at the back so that I can lay down and collect my thoughts. I'm pretty sure if my grandma knew I was doing s**t while she was dying, she wouldn't be that proud anymore.

But the guys were right, I gave it all and I didn't deserve it. What's going to happen now? Was I going to start school again? What of the expenses for that? What of my grandmother's burial?

While I was still thinking about the many decisions I have to make, Junior pulled up at my house, interrupting my train of thoughts.

"We're staying with you tonight. I don't want you doing anything funny." Junior voiced out as they walked with me to my front door.

"What of the party you guys planned? Isn't it tonight? You guys should go and get ready." I turned around to stare at them.

"Hell no. We're not leaving our best friend for a party. You're more important." Andrew huffed and grabbed my hands, dragging me inside my house.

"What the-" He stopped and I stumbled before looking up to see Grey in my living room.

Oh no. Why does he have a spare key again?

"Dude, I thought I said you should go home and we'll see later." Junior said, stepping close to Grey.

"Why? You guys don't want me around now? What fun did you have without me?"

"It's nothing like that. We didn't have fun... Just business."I trailed off, not wanting to say anything about my grandmother's death to him yet.

"Well, sucks to be you guys. I've been having fun." He laughed. My fists clenched.

"Is that why we couldn't reach you this morning?" Andrew asked sarcastically but I don't think Grey noticed.

"Yeah. Staying here with Dee wasn't going to give me entertainment so I changed my plans. This hot chick texted me over for some fun and I-"

I didn't know what got into me that made me slap him. I felt used and my emotions were spilling over.

"What the f**k Dee?"

"Staying here wasn't going to give you pleasure? So what's all that we did last night? Nothing?" I didn't even realize tears were running down my face again.

"Of course, I'm like other girls that you just want to sleep with and move on. I shouldn't have even allowed you to stay. Maybe I would have been able to attend to my grandma in her last moments-" I shut up.

"Deola, what do you mean by 'her last moments'?" He stepped closer to me but I pushed him away.

"Just go Grey. I don't want to see you right now." I turned away and went into my grandmother's room.

I found my phone on the floor and thankfully, it was still on. I saw text messages and missed calls from my boss and coworkers and I panicked.

I quickly tried to call my boss but his number wasn't reachable. I decided to call my fellow coworker, Gbolabo, and he picked on the third ring.

"Yo Deola, why didn't you come to work today? The grinch was very pissed." He shouted into the phone and I sighed.

"Sorry, I had to take my grandmother to the hospital. It was an emergency." I lied.

"I understand but he doesn't. He said I should tell you you're fired. I'm so sorry." He said softly and hung up, leaving me with more things to think about.

Dear God, what am I going to do?