The Theory of Moving On

JOHNNY It happened right after he flunked the board exam. He felt disappointed, miserable and stupid – all at the same time. He studied for that examination for almost six months while working as part-time food runner in his relative’s restaurant in exchange for free board and lodging and a small stipend. He walked dazed and unbelieving. He flunked the exam. He turned it over and over in his mind but it would not sink in. Maybe he forgot to answer two pages of the test paper, but that is impossible. At times like this, there is only one person he turns to – the sunshine of his life – his girlfriend. “Hey!” she looked positively cheerful and happy. “You passed the board?” He sighed and looked at her, almost in tears. “Honey, I might have to retake the exam.” The smile vanished from her face. “What?? You failed the exam?” “Yes. I’m sorry,” he looked at her pleadingly. She had been expecting him to pass the exam. His former professor’s brother had offered him a position in his company once he passed. His girlfriend was ecstatic. They were planning to get married when he gets the job. He hated to see the utter disappointment in her face, her eyes were disapproving. She stood and turned her back on him. “I got accepted today,” she said. “Honey, that’s great news,” he tried to sound as cheerful as he can. Honestly, he was happy for her, really. The joy returned to her face. “Right? The company is huge and they have a very good offer. Did you know that they have unlimited brewed coffee and a stack of doughnuts…” She went on to describe the details of the company’s pantry, toilet and elevators. He tried listening to her, but all he could think of was the setback in his life plan. That night, as he laid on his bed, he made a Plan B. It was going to be a big setback and he might have to find another job and another system of work and review in preparation for the board exam. He was even thinking of going back to the province. But no, he didn’t want to go back there without an engineer’s license. The next day, after talking to his relative who owned the restaurant, he went to pick up his girlfriend from her workplace. She was right. It was a huge building, but not as huge as his misery. Important looking people were pouring out the doors. He stood beside a flower box while waiting for her. Finally he saw her with some of her colleagues. She looked fresh and happy after her first day of work. He wondered what kind of job she had inside this huge building. She came to him with a smile. He thought of taking her out to dinner to celebrate her first day of job. “Let’s have dinner,” she said before he could say anything. “I’m buying.” His face reddened. Not because he didn’t like her to buy him dinner. They would do that for each other before. But under the circumstances, he felt slightly embarrassed. “No,” he insisted. “This one is mine. To celebrate your new job.” She looked at him and smiled. “That’s so sweet of you, darling. But you need that budget for your next review.” In his mind, he swore a lot of bad words his mother would have been horrified. He was feeling dejected, he just failed the board exam, and now his girlfriend wants to buy him dinner. They were silent as he walked her to her apartment after dinner. Frankly, his mind was somewhere else. He was thinking about his next plan. He hadn’t followed up his application because he knew that wouldn’t be possible at the moment. He had to inform his parents that he failed the exam and that he needed to stay in Manila a little longer for the review. The biggest problem is the budget for the review center. He had no idea where to get the money. His parents already exhausted their savings from several cropping from their small farm. He didn’t want to bother them any further. “You are silent,” his girlfriend’s voice broke into his thoughts. “What are you thinking?” “Nothing,” he lied. He didn’t want to bother her with his problem. Besides, he didn’t want her to know how wretched he felt. They stopped in front of her apartment. “Are you going to invite me in?” he asked her with a meaningful smile. He saw her expression changed. She looked at her toes and started twisting her bag belt. “Johnny, I have to tell you something.” “What is it?” he became worried. It was her first day at her new job. He thought she might be having difficulties. “Is it your job?” “What? No. It’s not that,” she bit her lip, looking like she wanted to poop but can’t get it out. “Then, what is it?” “I think….” “You think..?” “I need space, Johnny.” It took a moment what she was trying to say. “You need space?” She nodded. “Are you breaking up with me?” She looked away, she couldn’t answer but he knew exactly what she meant. “Look, honey, I know this may be a stressful day for you --” “You don’t get it,” she interrupted. “I’m not stressed.” “What then? Is it because I failed the board exam?” “I don’t know how to explain this to you. We’ve been great together. You were amazing, but…I think we need to give each other space to grow.” “Is that what you really mean?” he asked incredulously. “You need space to grow?” She sighed impatiently. “Let’s break up then.” He opened his eyes and felt the same hollow incompleteness in his chest. He looked at his watch on the bedside – 3:40 am. He was asleep for only three hours. He tried going back to sleep but he could not. Her face came swimming in his mind – her smile, her touch, her warmth. Enough! His mind shouted. He got up and walked to the kitchen to find something to drink. Water would be fine. He had been passive and unresponsive for almost two weeks. When Annie told him it was over, he just sort of shut down. He didn’t even know how he got home that night. He couldn’t even cry. When he finally realized that Annie just finished their 3-year relationship, the tears finally came. He tried calling her, texting her. Once, he even waited all night outside her apartment. But Annie, her sweet dear Annie, refused to face him. He started violently when someone swore lustily. It was his aunt. “I thought you were a ghost!” she exclaimed loudly. “What are you doing down here?” “I couldn’t sleep,” he replied. Her aunt poured water to a glass and drank noisily. She looked at him intently. “Johnny,” she said, not unkindly. “The world doesn’t stop revolving because of heartbreak. You have a life to live, too.” He was silent. “You know, work is the best antidote for sorrow,” his aunt said before climbing upstairs to the bedroom. Two weeks became three, and eventually four weeks. He did his daily routine – he would wake up, clean his aunt’s restaurant before opening time. He had requested the chef to place him in the dishwashing area. He was in no condition to be a food runner this time. He kept himself busy to take his mind off Annie. After a gruelling day of washing dishes and mopping the floor, Annie’s memories would come floating in his mind. He picked up his phone to answer the call. “Yes?” “Come with us later, pare,” it was Nathan, his buddy and classmate in college. He had passed the board exam and he is now an intern in a construction firm. “I’ll have to check my schedule, bud. I won’t be off until 11pm,” he replied. “C’mon, you’ve been cooped up for long,” Nathan urged. “We’ll wait for you then. Just come.” Johnny knew what his friends were trying to do. Somehow, he felt grateful. Although, at the back of his mind, he wonders how drinking would help him with the pain when exhausting himself to death is ineffective. “Are you sure?” Ron asked him as he took his fourth bottle of beer. “You’re swaying, pare.” He swore and laughed loudly. “I can drink an entire ocean of beer, pare! C’mon, drink and let’s have fun!” They were at a noisy bar, but it didn’t matter to him. In the province where he came from, the disco grounds were not as noisy and wild as this. He spotted a lady and tried to talk to her. Apparently, he was so drunk he offended the girl. He passed several couples making out as he made his way to the bathroom. He was about to leave the cubicle when a couple slammed into him. He shook his head as he got up. The couple, making out without any care in the world, were devouring each other. He couldn’t explain why, but seeing them made him cry. The couple stopped abruptly and stared at him in confusion. He was sobbing piteously. “Hey, dude,” the guy asked tentatively. “You okay?” “He’s drunk,” the girl remarked. He was bawling like a baby. As incoherent words came out of his mouth, he felt powerful arms dragging him from the bathroom and he remembered no more. “Hoy, Johnny, close your mouth!” Nathan said irritatingly. Johnny stopped mid-snore and opened his eyes to survey his surroundings. He swore as he tried to get up suddenly. His head was pounding. He was sprawled on the floor, a hard pillow under his head. Nathan was shirtless in front of his laptop, browsing the internet. “What time is it?” he asked. His mouth tasted like rusted metal and his body reeking of sweat and alcohol. “It’s 7, I think,” Nathan replied before facing him. “Dude, you went emotional last night, two bouncers had to drag you out from the bathroom.” He nodded gloomily before heading to the bathroom to pee and wash his face. It was almost 8 am. If he hurried, he would be in time for the restaurant opening. He thought of calling his aunt and uncle to let them know where he was. Nathan was looking at him curiously when he got back. “You okay? You were blubbing last night.” “I remember vaguely,” he said glumly. “What happened then?” “Are you sure you want to know?” Nathan was trying hard to hide his mirth. He felt uneasy. “Why?” he asked alarmingly. “What did I do?” In response, Nathan showed him his f*******: timeline. There was a video of him, howling and sniveling. His face was tearstained, sweat and mucus running down his chin. He was bawling like a baby while shouting abuses at the bouncers and pleading for his girlfriend to come back to his life. The video ended with him passing out as they loaded him in Jimmy’s car, one of his buddies. They were nowhere to be found. He felt sick to the stomach. “How many shares did this video get?” “Hundreds,” Nathan answered. He was trying to sound sympathetic; he was also red in the face for fighting the urge to burst into laughter. Johnny swore. “Spit it out, man. I know it’s funny.” When Nathan calmed down, he suddenly felt uncomfortable. What if Annie saw this video? He felt alarmed and embarrassed. What if his parents saw this video? What if ---? “You better check your phone, buddy,” Nathan broke into his thoughts. “You have a lot of texts.” The first text were from his aunt, demanding his whereabouts. The next were from his college buddies, some offering words of sympathy and comfort, some to tease him. The last one was from Annie. Let’s talk when you’re feeling okay. I’m here for you as a friend. Are you alright? Let’s talk. What have you done? That was mortifying! Oy, Johnny! What have you done? You shouldn’t have mentioned my name at least. She also called several times. She must have been upset. “Shall I return her calls, pare?” he asked Nathan. “It’s up to you,” his friend replied. “What would you tell her?” “She said she wants to talk.” “What for?” Johnny sighed. “She saw the video. She said it was embarrassing.” Nathan sniggered. “It was really embarrassing.” “Seriously, dude.” Nathan looked at him briefly. “What would she say? You sure you want her sympathy at this moment?” He clicked some buttons on his laptop screen. “If you ask me, just ignore this. The internet has more interesting crap every day. People will eventually forget about you.” He was silent as he stared at his phone, debating with himself whether to reply to her messages. “There,” Nathan said. “I sent a request to f*******: to delete the video. Haha. I also emailed the admin of the pages I found that shared it.” He smiled at him. “You’ll be fine.”