Chapter 17 - Deranged marriage or bullshitometer at +∞!
2976 Words
I'm standing, in something like a queue.
About 200 children of the emperor are born the same year as me, and only 80 are still alive, and according to statistics up until now, less than ten will survive until their 18 years. The emperor decided to let the assassinations be done, without even investigating them, judging that it's useful to "separate" the trashes and the pearls. Thus, the rivalry for the throne between the different children of the emperor is tough, and some even decide to withdraw from the competition to be able to live long enough to be able to see their children grow up.
This "queue" is in reality made of these 80 children born the same year as me who are waiting their turn to declare the wife they chose.
And this is there that things become problematic: we are admittedly free to choose the wife we want, but in reality, it's also a test. As someone not interested in the succession, it should have been okay for me to fail a test, but I also don't want to be noticed and even less to be particularly noticeable… But for an actual reason, unlike these light novel characters that just want to identities because it's a trope to gives tension to a story without any.
I want to not be noticed to avoid inheriting the throne. If people noticed me, I'm deemed to get enemies I need to eliminate, and as such continuously get closer to the throne.
But it seems it's unavoidable, and above all, too late…
-Hey, did you see? It's HIM!
-The guy who became the master of the imperial mage?
-Poor guy, it's sure he'll die…
-Oh, why?
-I heard that he drew the attention of the emperor, and you know our elder brothers and sisters…
-Yes, it seems like, a bit before our birth, there was even one who took advantage of a fit of rage of the emperor to get rid of his contestants… I heard he is the only one of his year still alive…
-It's a her you know.
-It's a girl?
It seems I'm learning interesting things.
Anyway, I'll have to prepare, I cast a quick glance at the audience.
I still see Marie in the crowd.
Don't think I didn't prepare yet.
Even if I seem inactive, I already said to my AI to contact Marie, and the latter totally validated my plan.
This plan is quite important for me, so I want it to go well, I wouldn't like to be rejected at the last moment.
But well after all with a tsundere/yandere/shotacon like her couldn't refuse a request from such a cute 8 years old shota, can she? Beyond her basic tsundere resistance, she is as gentle as a lamb.
Considering the lamb is can kill you at any moment.
[…]
I move forward.
It's soon my turn.
There is only one guy before me, so why he's announcing his choice, I pay attention to his way of doing things and to the surroundings.
The end of the queue is just before the Palace.
In the main market, thousands of peasants, commoners, and rich bourgeois are watching and listening to the event.
In front of them is the current candidate, and behind him, higher, on a lifted throne built for the occasion raised above the walls, the emperor… He seems to take his time and to make the most of the alcohol as well as his women. Well, it's the emperor, he has a harem after all.
Under the throne are all his children, in line, as far as the eye can see, in the succession order, the closer of the emperor being the better placed.
Many corpses are already spread at different places on the floor, being collected by soldiers.
This is the problem when you lower your guard at an event… The succession war catches up to you.
Right now, I even see one of the children falling on the floor while screaming in pain, affected either by poison, a malediction, or maybe… insects that are eating him alive, okay that was unexpected.
But it doesn't seem to be pleasing the emperor, who, concerned about the continuity of the ceremony, says: silence! The insects continue to carry on their work, but the child, fear in his eyes, does not even dare to scream, of fear of quickening his death…
He dies in silence, while the child before me starts to talk:
-My salutations, emperor.
That simple?
Just 3 words?
Seriously?
Not even a bow?
All my clichés and dreams are crumbling.
But it's maybe for the better.
Seeing the stiffness of the body of that child, I have a thought…
This guy? He's preparing for an assassination? In the case where he could be assassinated even in such a critical moment, it's not surprising he didn't do any bow. What is a bow if not lowering your guard?
-Me, NPC n°1, choose for wife NPC n°2.
-I approve.
Such a quick yet moving dialogue between the emperor and his son!
I look for Marie.
What I don't notice however is that a man, 2nd in the queue of throne pretenders, seems to be doing the same thing…
[…]
In the thoughts of n°2:
Marie, what is she doing?
5th of the list and she takes the liberty of not coming to an event organized by the emperor?
It certainly is a whim of him to have his children from a random generation marry, but it still is her responsibility to come!
Such nerves!
What? She's with the peasants?
But it might be good news…
I can kill two birds with one stone, I move her away from the throne, and I might even go up to the first place if the emperor is amused!
I definitely need to do this.
-My salutations, emperor.
Good, as usual, the emperor is answering to the salutation with a little gesture of his hand, it means that this one doesn't have any special place in the eyes of the emperor, he won't mind if I interrupt it.
It should be the right moment to act.
[…]
Back to Moar:
Me, Moar, choose for wife Mar…
A guy has the guts to cut me at the moment I'm about to say Marie!
-Marie, as one of the higher placed daughter of the emperor for the succession, how can you be in the middle of commoners? Are you determined to prove that you don't deserve this position?
He seems quite happy about what he said, everything is perfectly planned, timed, at each second. Even every single of his gestures and actions. He even made sure to give the impression to be the concerned and a bit nervous brother who reprimands his sister who takes too much liberties.
-Hey you, why are you interrupting me?
The f**k are you doing man, you're being a pain you know?
Me, Moar, getting interrupted by this dumbass, I was already famous when you were in the pierced c****m of your father, bastard!
-But…
-What is the goal of your life? Piss everybody out the day of their marriage?
-What vulgarities in the mouth of one of the children of the emperor! Do you want to make the emperor die of shame today?
This, kids, is how someone that doesn't know what to say is like. He applied the third-best principle of the world: the best defense is attack!
I answer quickly, after all on the internet we have several billions of people to create the best replies! I use a multicultural answer that represents the sum of the insult expertise of all of the internet in the last 20 years, but especially my proximity with the Chinese culture after reading so many webnovels of all kinds! From videogame to cultivation passing by mechas, romances, magic, and systems!
-So I have vulgarities in the mouth? Your mother has vulgarities in the mouth! I heard you're born from a c****m accident! What's sure is that she certainly took more vulgarities in the mouth than her dry well!
Ok maybe I'm not that proud of it, and maybe I hyped it up to be way better than what it actually is, but there are still things there:
Chinese culture is there! I can't mention the entire family because I'm part of it but I still mentioned it.
French culture is there, refined as usual with decades of experience in insulting mothers!
This is what I call a cultural bridge!
This is what I call a cultural exchange!
This is cultural cross-pollination!
Do you remember when I said it was the third best principle? It's because I'm the proud creator of the second and first best principles in existence: 'When the attack of the opponent is stronger, the best defense is to run away', and for the first: 'Moar is always the stronger'! It's the Moar's law!
I have to admit, that after thinking about it, I think I have a law with this name already I put somewhere in the back of my mind about time and magic, but well, at worse, I'll have to rename it. Yes, I know, I'll call it survival of the fittest. Yes, it sounds awesome and much better than the original survival of the fittest, I quite like it!
And did you think I was finished?
Nope!
I continue my attack, akin to an SMG!
-He…
-After all, the mouth seems to be your main attribute, but seeing how you always keep your mouth open, if it's hereditary, it's sure your mother swallowed a lot of liquid!
-You…
-A wise man once said "We need to build a wall", and I agree! We absolutely need to close this mouth! I can't stand that smell!
Thanks, American culture!
-But…
-And do you see that, see how his wife seems uptight? She is clearly frustrated by his lack of strength in bed! Not only is he unable to satisfy her bodily needs, but his stick isn't even long enough to come out of his pants!
It's certainly my fault if she is like that but well!
-F…
-And look at his hairs! I saw a vocational class more organized than that! And a s**t less odorous!
Everyone understands the last part but the first is a private joke.
-You…
-Oh, and stop with your you! You You You! I can say it too!
He coughs a good mouthful of blood!
I feel proud, and I stop there, It's my first time! HE bled for MY first time! I'm so proud! I'll finally be able to look the other MC in the eyes: I also made NPC cough blood! I broke the cultural barrier! Now Chinese people won't be the only ones to have this power!
While it seems like he could've said a lot more than "you", I didn't let him have the time to do so!
I took advantage of the brain capacity of high-rank mage to think much faster to say all of this in a few seconds!
And everyone understood! It's the advantage of mages! They talk and whatever how fast it is everyone understands!
My opponent seems to be giving off steam right now though.
-The emperor certainly won't let such lack of respect of his name without reacting!
-Oh yes? Look at your left!
I didn't even mention the emperor himself anyway.
But what's most important is that the emperor, seated on his throne, with his high stature of almost 3 meters, is laughing, a cocktail in a hand and a concubine in the other, and signaling that everything is fine.
He even gives to the crowd of spectators the honor of hearing him talking:
-From now on Moar will be the first in line for the throne!
That's exactly what I wanted to avoid!
The reaction of the crowd was immediate and very different from mine:
-Kyaaaaaaa the emperor spoke!
-It's the best day of my life!
-I won't wash my ears anymore for all my life!
-I'll definitely make this story be told for the 15 next generations!
-Someone fainted! Call an ambulance!
-We don't have an ambulance here! The author didn't add any equivalent to the story either!
-It's my wife, why is she ALSO in love with the emperor! It's the 17th woman I marry! Why do I have to divorce each time?
-At least be happy that the emperor did a decree authorizing the divorce if the woman is succumbing to his charm!
What???
They didn't even notice my great and powerful name?
They didn't even ask themselves who I was to have such a powerful name!
And I'm such a beautiful and well-proportioned man, how can they ignore me?
What do you mean I am not even 8? How come because I'm not over 18 I don't have the right to be good-looking and talented?
And… This feeling, it's the same that I had every day for a few months. I also had it almost 10 years ago, at Merlin's place…
The opening of a spatial rift! But it's been a long time since I've been trying to come up with a name for the place behind the rift.
In fact, it seems that someone is often opening it lately. Only the strong can notice it, and even at my level, I can just feel it's open without knowing where. I can however concentrate on naming it… Like Moar's universe. Or even Moaria… Johny…
No, instinctively, a rune, a word, come to my mind. It's only one word, but if I had to translate it to the closest… It would be… Yes, it's that: The astral plane!
Does it mean it's some kind of place without any notion of matter? How does one exist in such a space?
In any case, rather than hyping myself, I'll just get back to my marriage!
Discovering that she's my sister, which is a point I quite overlooked, does not matter.
Sister or not, I'll defy the universe to stay free to do anything I want!
Don't look at how I absolutely want to marry Marie, it has nothing to do with emotional attachment nor anything else, I just think of her as an obedient doggy.
As a dog, as long as you manage well, it doesn't bite.
And moreover, this one is taming itself!
Well I don't know if I won't attract the ire of an angry twitter mob, so I'll first say something for my defense:
The Empire is a fantasy country with magic, as all fantasy country with magic, it's inspired from middle-age. And so, women are considered inferior, I'm just adapting to my environment.
Wait! No! Not good! That's not what I meant! No! I didn't finish!
Nyggloth only had parity recently, especially with the reluctance of the military faction that prioritizes strength, it's been less than 50 ans.
So evidently, the equality of men and women is a problem!
And no! Unlike the empire I won't talk about adaptation to the environment!
Oi brother, come closer, man, wallah I won't do anything to u, com'on come closer a bit, oi brother, come!
Sorry I couldn't stop myself.
So more seriously (put my hand on your shoulder), you know, I gave a lot of money to support parity, yes, yes, I did it! So we can come to an agreement, right? (rub my hands) What I was going the evening after coming back when I was in Nyggloth? I came back home, put my feet under the table, called for the meal, asked if she did the cleaning and the dishes, went to my bed, fulfilled my marital duties, then slept and left the morning after complaining of the poor breakfast and giving 50 bronze pieces so she'll do the shopping in the day, why?
Ow! Ow!
It's irony! Irony!
Well definitely, I'll just say 2 to 3 sentences and I'm done!
-AI, activate plan 2.
-There is no plan 2, master.
-Activate the plan ADW…
-Yes master.
You are asking yourself what is the ADW plan? You'll soon know!
-Me, Moar choose as wife…
All the crowd is captivated by my charisma, or what I did just before, to choose, I would lean for the first personally.
-Do you see the woman there? Yes, the one dressed in white, on the left of the peasants. Yes, yes, this one.
Nice peasants are helping me by pointing and I feel the dangerous look of Marie as I'm not pointing her.
-So I choose the one next to her!
-EEEEEEHHHHHHHH???
-Is it not the one that just was reprimanded?
The crowd is absolutely surprised!
-Yes, the one who just was reprimanded, she's called Marie!
-But it's i****t! i****t!
-Nobody ever did that!
-And between brother and sister? Even stepbrother and stepsister nobody ever did that!
-You never heard about Japanese people?
I ask, by curiosity.
-NO!
Everyone is answering in chorus.
-Well that's it! Ah, and emperor, what do you think about this?
-He lacks respect on top of being incestuous, he'll definitely be killed.
-Ha ha! ok!
-UUUUHHHH???
After taking a closer look, anyone from the crowd could've noticed the emperor is so high on alcohol and women he's not even paying attention and says yes without even thinking about it nor listening to the question.
I wink to my mother and Marie's mother, just beside the emperor, to thank them, and I also of course thank myself for the idea of inventing a d**g in this world!
Yes!
The operation ADW: Alcohol, drugs, and women!
- Writer
