Resisting the Doctor

Dear future self I'm not writing to you to convince you of anything you don't already know. You and I are quite self aware and very cognisant of our strengths, weaknesses and the spectrum of quirks in between. I am writing to remind you of your vow yourself in the closing moments of this last year you've got to put yourself first with intention. 2015 was one of the most brutally painful years of our life, we experienced unimaginable cruelty and unendin torment, as well as endings of many things that were so significant to us. It was nothing short of horrid. Feeling most violated, we lost and fell apart and this is yhe pkace from which i write to you. I am in the depth of a trauma that is still building, still trying to understand how people can be so utterly inhumane, to use another person's body and disregard the soul that resides within is the most outrageous crime that a person can commit against another and even though it's been months since, it feels like it is a continuous occuring deed. Before I'd never consider the possibility that I would be here experiencing a type of emotional amnesia that has rendered me completely lost and unmotivated. I know the time needs to do its healing dance but I also know that I will never come to understand onr accept why this happened. I also know that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, but how does one heel for many invisible wound? How does one tend to injuries that the eye cannot see? I'm hoping you are much further along in this process than me, but I am going to start by acknowledging it. I feel it's edges and can see its depth. I am going to fill it with all the things they took from me, and I am no longer going to give them the power over me all the loneliness and all the value i have not felt, it will overflow with laughter, joy, connection and belonging until it ceases to be a wound instead becomes a scar, rather than the gateway to a kind of despair i have not known before now. Future self, my intention is to bolster you with all the support and love you will need for the next chapter of your life. However long it may take. I hope you feel like you have weathered the storm in ways you did not think possible, and are suprising everyone with tge limitless nature of your endurance and compassion. Love. Past you. It is strange how a few short seconds can lead you into a whole new direction, it alters how you think and act, how you see your own reflection. In a single moment my life was forever changed, like everything I previously knew had suddenly been rearranged. Abruptly pulled into that unfinished building pinned against the hard rough concrete floor at 2:00 a.m. in the morning. No possible way to escape, I woundered if this was trully my fate as they hungrily tore off my clothes leaving me naked, I tried to fight them off but they were too strong for me, one of them punched me in the face I screamed and cried out in pain, the other one took a cloth and stuck it into my mouth to keep me quiet. my mind was filled with confusion and fear and theirs were filled with lust, as one held me down the other one positioned himself between my legs i told myself that someone would save me, that someone would come and stop them, but no one came, i suddenly felt a sharp pain in my groin and lower abdomen as he forcefully thrust into the opening between my legs instantly taking my virginity,. With every movement he thrust deeper and deeper into me. I felt a part of me vanish with each and every stroke. I wished i was dead. He leaned forward as he continued to move faster and harder and whispered in my ear "you are so beautiful, i knew i would f**k you some day." Tears like pearls gracefully danced down my face, i peered into his soul with a firm look of disgrace. His touch like a vaccum sucking out the life in me. His eyes were wide open, and cold, he wouldn't see my plea. Lying there in the night so violated, exposed with only a veil of darkness to cover me, I close my eyes as the exchanged roles and the other guy violated me as well. My will left me, this was truly happening, This was not a dream, I wouldn't wake up from this. this was my reality. They injected me with their filth and dirt. their intention was deliberate, It was so very clear and overt. As if not enough, when done with me, they spit on me and piss on me and walked away laughing and feeling very proud of themselves. The glowing moon looked down at me, peaking through a massive blanket of stars, i lifted my hand to touch it but it was too far, I would never be me again, tears streamed from my eyes, I could not move, my body felt numb, overwhelmed by grief and shame. I wake up panting And sweating...I can't sleep, each time I close my eyes it's all i see. Its always like this towards the anniversary. What most only imagine as the worst possible nightmare is my gruesome reality. It can't be undone no can it be repaired These eyes have cried more delicate tears than anyone should. And my heart has felt the worst of pains and experienced the greatest loose, my self worth. I can not change the past and events to which I succumbed, but I can try to focus on the present and what is to come in work on rebuilding my self. I have given myself this speach for 5 years, and each with no improvement, still hete with my shame, my fear and my anger. I get out of bed to prepare for work, today will be a long day.i can feel it.