Always & Forever, Forever & Always

AND LOVE AGAIN…

The first year of our love felt like a high I had never experienced before. Like the headrush you got after smoking your first cigarette, like that moment of bliss and numbness to the pain when you're tipsy, right before you get drunk. Like your first time getting high off weed, or anything in general. It was us against the world. We went few places without each other. And if we did, it was out of our control and we still kept in contact through it all.

I loved words and so did he. I couldn’t count how many letters we wrote for each other. It was almost every day, I’d wake up to a long message about how beautiful I am, or how much he loves me, or a 100 different ways in which I was perfect. When it came to us writing about each other, we couldn’t stop. And we never did. We couldn’t help but be loud about our love. Whether it was good times or bad times, both were extreme and not once were we afraid of it. We shouted about it at any chance we could. I think there’s a few individuals that took it as bragging, but we were just stupidly in love. We tried to keep it as down low as possible but eventually, we just didn’t care. It was our love and each other before anyone else.

I was spending the weekend at his house again, without thinking of the consequences. I was on his phone scrolling through pictures and just, being bored, I guess. I went to his messaging app and I see a bunch of women who he was talking to in a way in which I found inappropriate. One of the girls was a girl I had met a few times through mutual friends from school.

My heart broke into a million pieces. I told him what I had seen and he took full responsibility. But I was angry. So angry that I couldn’t stand to look at him or to have him close to me. Seeing me cry, made him cry. He then proceeded to leave the house, I guess to give me space. In my head, I had lost another important man in my life and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. I called Jacob, but he didn’t return my calls. I burst into even more tears. His best friend, holding me on Jacob’s bedroom floor.

After I calmed down, his best friend went to look for him and they eventually returned. He came straight to me. We hugged like we went to war and hadn’t seen each other in years. I was so glad to have him there, in front of me. Still here. We spent the entire night talking. He listened to my pain and he took it all in. I stayed. I stayed in his warm, muscular arms, where I felt I belonged. Where I felt the safest. Afterwards, we spent the rest of our time chasing that first high.

After my baby sister died, I had a dark cloud over my head that was filled with raging anger. Somehow, Jacob saw that side of me endless times and still managed to love me even more.

He was my light. And no matter how dark it got. I always found my light.

I graduated high school and it felt like life with Jacob had finally just begun. I was about to turn 18, which meant we didn’t have to hide our love any longer. We started going out more, drinking way more. It took over our lives. We loved a good party and it was probably because it was an escape that we got to experience together. Chasing that high together. A moment for both our brains to be quiet as we enjoy some good music and each other’s company, as well as that of our friends.