Always & Forever, Forever & Always

CAVE-IN

As the alcohol consumption increased, so did the intensity of our altercations. Our mental illnesses were getting the best of us and it was like we were trapped in each other, and in a dark hole. I felt like I was suffocating.

Looking back, I realize just how dysfunctional our relationship was. That’s not to say there was no love. In fact, I believe, because of how much love we had for each other, it made it all dysfunctional. When people say “crazily in love” or “madly in love”? I lived that. We couldn’t breathe without each other. Even when we did try to go our separate ways, and lord knows we tried, it didn’t take much for us to be back in others’ arms. We hurt ourselves and each other with words, as well as objects.

For the longest time, I know both of us were confused and didn’t know how to make it all better. How to fill our relationship with the calm we so desperately sought in our minds. There’s not enough words to describe the toll it all had on us. On top of our home lives, that also contributed to the pain we were both in.

Although the only thing we were both sure about was our everlasting love, Jacob still found it in him to propose to me. He did it in front of my best friend and it was beautiful. I was 19 and engaged. I remember the song playing in the background, The Matrimony by Wale. That was our wedding song. For a moment, everything seemed so worth it. We seemed worth it. And we were both willing to take out anything in our way.

My mental health had taken such a nose dive, I ran away from my parents’ home and decided I wanted to didn't want to live anymore. I had it all planned and mapped out. The place, the weapon, the letter. Don’t judge me, I did plan my outfit. Sweatpants, crop top. I planned to do it while being my utmost self. Extremely exhausted, I felt like nothing was ever going to get better.

I remember sitting in that drainage system (don’t worry it was empty), bowling my eyes out. Praying to God. Praying for guidance and strength. Whether it was to go ahead with my plan, or to stay alive, I couldn’t tell you.

But I can tell you that my decision to stay alive was made not for anyone else, but for myself. I wanted to know why I was brought into this world, and for sure, it was not only to suffer and be in constant pain. So I asked God to show me. Just show me who I was. To help me learn. To help me live in happiness and calmness. I took a chance on myself and God, I decided I was going to take this time to try to be on my own and figure out who I was. Little did I know, figuring out who you are doesn't just happen over night, it isn't a linear process, neither is healing. It is all circular. Jacob wasn’t ever for us breaking up and us going our separate ways, so while I was “finding myself” (also known as, hanging with my girl friends, getting high and going out), he stuck around and still made time for me. We still believed we belonged together and if you saw us together, you’d see it too just by the way we looked at each other. It was filled with fire and passion. It was was bright and as blinding as the sun. It was powerful.