Always & Forever, Forever & Always

EVE, I GET IT GIRL

A few months went by, it was now November 22nd 2018, I was sitting on the balcony of a boarding house I was staying at the time, smoking cigarettes with my roommate and very good friend, Lorraine and her boyfriend, Vim. Vim invited his long-time friend, Terrence, to come hang with us. Terrence walked up and sat on the chair across from me. Again, I didn’t pay attention to him. I was just there to smoke and “find myself”

Terrence texted Lorraine the very next day, asking about me and implying that he was coming to see me. And so he did. We got to talking and laughing. By Sunday, he was introducing me to all his friends and acquaintances as his girlfriend. Being in the honeymoon phase, I was excited. I went with it, all of it. I put myself and my wants first without ever thinking of the repercussions it would have on Jacob. I remember not telling him for a while just because I didn’t know how. I also didn’t want to cause him any more pain or make him feel like I was no longer going to be part of his life. Looking back on it, I should have told him myself. But as you would have it, everything done in the dark always comes to light. He found out about Terrence and I. They even had a discussion about it without me just to both have an understanding of what was happening. They both weren’t very pleased with how I handled it all and I was forced to make a decision on who I wanted. To them, I couldn’t have them both in my life.

Again, I was faced with choices to make. A man that I had spent 5 years of my life loving and fighting? Or a man I had just met who truly showed me love in a short period of time, who took care of me in ways I had never experienced. Not only did he take care of me, he inspired me to want better for myself. He opened my eyes up to my intelligence and my faults. To the beauty of letting go.

One of the things that Terrence said to me that I will always carry with me for the rest of my life was “No one is coming to save you.”

That phrase alone, saved my life. It lit my soul on fire and the strength that followed created the delusion in my mind that I would be able to be in a relationship with another man, while still investing time on communicating with Jacob here and there.

For a few months, everything was still. I had gone back to school again after 2 years of not being able to do much, academically or mentally. I was believing in myself again and slowly finding my way without feeling like I’m drowning without having Jacob in everything I do. Terrence really allowed for me to truly search for myself, within. He opened me up spiritually, mentally and emotionally. His intelligence and curiosity for new knowledge wore off on me. It was a love I had never experienced. It was what you could call, a grown love. We were working, reading together, going on runs around the neighborhood together and both just trying not to be our previous relationships. It was, healthy, for the most part. We were being better people for each other and always holding one another accountable. His perspectives were always so empowering.

All in all, it’s safe to say even when I had it good, I couldn’t help but think about Jacob. I wondered if he was good. What he was doing and sometimes, even who he was doing. He knew I couldn’t necessarily be in constant communication with him so he would ask our mutual friends to come get me and take me to his house or wherever he was. Sue me, but it was romantic and it showed that our connection knew no bounds.

But, my heart was with Terrence. As Jacob and I would spend time together those few times, he started to see and I guess, feel, that I was in love with Terrence. One time, I remember I had left to see Jacob after having a misunderstanding with Terrence, and I received word that Terrence’s grandmother had passed away. I cried so hard because I wasn’t there for Terrence. Once again, putting myself and my selfish impulses before anyone else. I knew not to go be with Jacob, but missing and wanting to see him now came in between me and being there for the man I actually was investing myself in. The man who chose me.