Always & Forever, Forever & Always

ALL AT ONCE…

After a while, Jacob started going out with other people as well. He started to date someone I knew for a few years that I considered a friend. Gosh, we were so alike, it was overwhelming. She had tattoos like me, our names were alike, similar interests and hobbies. She was beautiful. Perfect. I took it as she was the better version of me that was best for Jacob. Ol' girl and I spoke about their relationship and I assured her that it was fine with me. But, a part of me was saddened by it all. Maybe it was being human, maybe it was being selfish, maybe it was being in love with him, still. One thing I did know without a doubt in my mind: I wanted him to be happy. No matter what it took, and maybe this was the only way.

Jacob and I continued to check on each other but as time went by, it quickly felt like forever would go by.

He then called me one day and he came by to my boarding house to hang with my best friends and I. We drank our favorite alcohol the whole night, just like we did when we were younger, dancing in his room in the dark. We played PICOLO, we laughed till we cried, we had our infamous car talk, car karaoke, and of course, car cry. We sat in there, windows closed, holding hands like it was the first and last time we were ever going to feel each other again. In that moment, I had my best friend back. The world was silent and it was just his voice I could hear.

Before departing, he introduced me to a song called Ghana Bounce by Ajebutter22. I promise, we had it on repeat for like 40 minutes and we were losing our minds to the song. It felt like we were us again. Like we were 5 years back sitting in that car outside my house and everything made complete sense.

Few days later, at around midnight, I received a video call on i********: from Jacob. He never called me on i********: so I figured it was an emergency. I picked up and it turns out he just wanted to check on me. We spoke for a few moments and ended with an “I love you” from both parties. I remember the last words exchanged between us on the phone call were “Always and forever” and “Forever and always”. That’s what we said to each other all those years. That’s the promise we made to each other.

29th May 2019, the day after, Terrence and I were having our occasional bedroom movie dates. We ordered food and just spent the day watching movies. My phone was away, so was his. It was just us and our chicken against the world. I then got a phone call from my older sister. A phone call that flipped my entire world upside down. I still remember her words, “Are you with Terrence?”

“Yes,” I say.

“Are you sitting down?” my sister asks.

“I’m on the bed, why?” I replied.

“Okay, um, Jacob’s dead.” She says, voice trembling as the words flowed off her tongue into the phone.

I immediately refused and hang up the phone to quickly call Jacob’s number. It didn’t go through. I tried again, and again, and again. Eventually, I just felt so weak and I collapsed to the floor. I couldn’t stop crying, and every time I did, the shock and despair would hit me again. Terrence was there though. He held me, and he even gave me a bottle of Brandy and a whole pack of cigarettes just to help calm me down. I’m sure we’ve all had those moments of pain. Where the only thing that could truly help is a cigarette and an alcoholic beverage. And if you haven’t well, good on you, show off.

My family and best friends quickly showed up to Terrence’s house. Jacob’s family had already spoken to my brother. Apparently, an argument had transpired between the two which made my family feel the need to protect me by taking my phone away. They were answering all my calls, including the ones from Jacob’s family. Jacob’s family was under the impression that Jacob and I argued before he took his own life and that’s what had caused it.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand why that assumption was made. Jacob and I were extremely unpredictable and impulsive. We fought hard, but we loved twice as hard.

After I had calmed down, I used my best friend’s phone and I decided to give a call to a woman no one really paid any mind to, the woman that Jacob had established a relationship with. I just remember crying with her, not much else. For some reason, I feel like she had an idea of how I was feeling. Not completely, but somewhat.

The days after Jacob’s death were a blur. I remember nothing but the immense pain that was going through my body. It was mental, emotional, psychological and physical. I was nothing but a shell of myself. My soul left along with his.

The day of the burial was the most difficult part. His family made it known that I wasn’t allowed at the funeral. As much as I deserved to be there, out of respect to his family, I stayed away and gave them a chance to send him off the way they needed to.

Jacob and I had spoken about our deaths, how we wanted to be buried, what we wanted to wear, the songs we wanted played, the jewelry we wanted to wear. All the way down to who we wanted to do our eulogies. We agreed that I was to do his if he died before me, and he was to do mine if I died before him. I always thought I would be the first to go. I didn’t think for one minute that he would beat me to it.

Jacob's death caused me a lot of anxiety. I had never imagined living in a world without him. For the longest time, I couldn’t breathe. I was here, but my heart died along with him. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what happened a year after his death, because I don’t really remember. What I do recall vividly, was the heartache and trouble breathing every day. It was blinding. It was all I could see and feel. An ache like no other. Soreness that takes over your whole life. A discomfort that instills such fear, fear that takes over, that hurts, every single day. You could feel the pain in me as I walked in the room. I couldn’t hide it.

At the end of each day, I find myself eternally grateful I got to have that. To have a love so otherworldly, must have such immense pain waiting for you on the other side. In retrospect, it helped me face a lot of it head on. By that, I mean my healing, my emotions, my thoughts, my demons. I let it all play out and not once did I shy away from a lesson.

I remember the overwhelming and shattering guilt, even shame, that it all brought over me. Being blamed by those who felt closest to him before he died and after. Carrying that on my shoulders, and the guilt of my own nearly, created a space for me to contemplate taking my own life, again.

Terrence, he saved me. Without him, I don’t think I would have made it to where I am today. He stayed with me through it all. I moved into his home, he made sure I had food in my stomach and a roof over my head. He allowed me to mourn another man in his home. He listened to me and he allowed me to truly go through whatever it was I was feeling. But one thing I really appreciate, is he always reminded me to get up and try again every single day.

I’ve truly been loved by remarkable men. Most importantly, I’ve been SEEN by phenomenal men. I have learnt that in love, there is letting go. And in letting go, there is love. I wish they taught us this as we were growing up, letting go. It is as inevitable as death. At some point, we’ll have to let go of something, or someone. I wish I had learnt that sooner.

A lesson I learnt from all this was to not be scared. To not let fear take over your whole being. to not become fear. We must simply acknowledge it, and let it go. Most times in life, the thing we are most fearful of is the thing we must go for. I try to live by that every day now. I go for it. I try. I hope you do too.