Always & Forever, Forever & Always

THE EULOGY

I write this 4 years after your death, I’m sorry I couldn’t do it sooner. Although I wasn’t able to, I do not think I was even ready to. I was afraid. But not anymore. I am writing this memoir for you, for us. And although this isn't even half of our story, it's a piece of you that will forever be in the world.

Jay, I never thought the day would come when I would be in a world that you aren’t physically in. From the very beginning, it was our world. It was Megan and Jacob, then everything else followed. Your love came at a time when I really needed it. I know everyone who was blessed enough to experience you can attest to the fact that your love felt like healing and forgiveness from God. I was alone, sad and confused. Unable to put myself together and rise above the pain I had been through at such a young age. The experience of you, calmed storms I didn’t even see coming. You taught me a lot, not only about myself but about the world at large. You held my hand as I met myself, countless times. You introduced yourself to every new me like it was an honor to meet me, every single time. You met me, every single time, and never let go, every single time. I was so imperfect, so imperfect. Yet, you still made me believe I was.

I had to meet you, I had to know you. It would not have been a life worth writing about if it wasn’t for the experience of you.

Anyone who had the chance of getting to know you, could never be the same again. Your words had such an impact, your voice demanded attention and your confidence, Godlike.

I’m sorry life wasn’t kind to you. And I’m sorry your mind couldn’t give you a f*****g break. I’m sorry you felt like you didn’t stand a chance, because if anyone did have one, it was you. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to love you the way in which you needed, but I do not apologize for how much I did love you the only way I knew at the time. Loving you, changed me and has changed me forever. I will carry your name with me, and tell my kids about you and our story. I promise to make our dreams come true, I promise to not miss you so much it cripples me. I promise to live, just as you lived, in love, kindness, words and music. You were an artist, you were art and I thank you for making me your muse, and for being mine.

Yours Truly,

Mama