Lil Miss

I think this is death or atleast how it's supposed to feel like empty and lifeless  Yet light like a void almost as if dropping down to hell the place where I was always told I belonged.  How a monstrosity like me didn't deserve to be born ,  To breathe  Bathe  Or eat.  Creatures like me cannot be considered pretty or desirable  and that's what they made sure happened.  Every crack of the whip ,  Hit and kick had bended me , Scarred me ,  Completely deformed me.  I am no longer that little four-eyed boy wanting his  parents to suddenly walk or at least stumble out of the burning flames that used to be our house.  I am  no longer try to understand why it was that when aunt Maria and uncle Jarvis fought  or argued they would take it out on me .  Why they would take turns coming into my room at night. How uncle Jarvis calls me his LiL Miss and forces me to call him daddy as he fondled my  so called " breasts" .  I couldn't  help it I was still fat even though I didn't eat I guess it was just the way my body's built. I have to admit though I regret alot of things in my life  . One particularly being not  having died along side my parents in the  fire.  Maybe then  things would have been easier.  Maybe then  aunt Maria wouldn't take me to her "book club" and let her friends have a go at me.   I am sixteen but I still remember how I gave my first blow job at just age 10.  How I had to purr to satisfy him .   How when the laughing stopped it was time for the main course.  An orgy which involved me getting strapped ,gagged and gang banged. ``````````````````````` ~ It's been thirty minutes since my last performance ~  I stood in my dressing room reminiscing about last week .  How I told my boyfriend of  8 months  everything. I thought  since he had  told me his story earlier in our relationship that it was more than fair if  I shared mine with  him as when he had asked I was nervous  at the time and couldn't bring myself to.   I thought because in the course of eight months we have been together  he had made me feel more cared for , and appreciated than I ever felt since my parents died that it was going to be okay . I had finally had someone who would stay and be there for me in a good way.  Maybe even protect me or at least comfort me in the aftermath of it all. I was wrong . My sweet and empathic  actor of a boyfriend looked me in the eyes and  said  I  was  f*****g  demented  He said I was to much to handle, I was to tainted, I had to much drama and problems I was just to complicated.  Yet when he was opening up to me , I was comforting him , helping him through his issues and listening to his troubles. Just trying to offer the things I wish I would receive at sometime in the life I had left.  But I must be honest I have felt alone through out that entire relationship as though I was seen nd still not seen, like   I've been used. Still  I  was using him to, not so? The comfort he offered  me  The little hope he would give to simple things like me cutting me finger with a knife on accident or caring if I ate before we had s*x was nice . Even though it wasn't much I was  clinging to something . Anything to give my life meaning.     `````````````````````````````````````` ~I didn't see it coming but when I caught myself I was on the floor.~ I instantly knew what had happened but it was then confirmed with the screeching that followed.  I had took to long and got lost in my supposed day dream so much so I didn't hear when the door opened or when she came up behind me.  " Do you know you are one ungrateful little wretch ?"  Aunt Marie asked appalled that I  actually had the audacity to take time for myself   knowing I had waiting customers . I didn't dare utter a word although I knew she wanted an answer,  as she always does still I  couldn't bring myself to say anything ,  So there we were  I was on the floor still unmoving with my hand placed on my check with her form hovering over me. Her chest that heaved up and down rapidly  and  her eyes that seemed to darkening with every blinking moment penetrating deep into my soul as if I stole her youth.  .The vein by her forehead stood out and seemed to be racing like a beating drum ready to pop I must have taken at least ten extra minutes for her to be that mad . Then she  smiled as if she knew something I didn't which  she probably did as it was not uncommon that I was left out of all matters  until last minute. Even the matters  involving myself  I had no control over so  both Aunt Marie and Uncle Jarvis decided it made no sense even telling me anything sometimes .  I just watched as her smile grew more sinister and then she walked out of the room.  I  immediately started to panic I  thought she was going to get uncle Jarvis but I was proved wrong when she returned with three strange men instead .  They each had the same tattoo of  some kind on their arms but with different colors I guessed they were gang relative at first but as I looked closer  at the fat one of the three his tattoo seemed to wink at me .  Then again I could be wrong as I was still on the floor only now with my body up slightly so I was directly facing the door. I 've hear of witchcraft before just never seen it, oddly enough I wasn't  afraid  even though  I knew they weren't here for a simple magic act well it was quite obvious they weren't especially since she brought them in  and by the way the middle sized one  handed her some money.  Well at least I know why she hadn't bothered to beat me .