THESE THINGS I'LL NEVER SAY

reading through dawn

Sleep still evaded her and it was way still too early to get up so she decided to keep reading "15. Years have passed, this longing for you hasn't. I have tried to forget you so many times, sometimes in the arms of names and faces I wont recall. I love you, in everybody I beg myself to forget you in." Alice froze clutching the edges of the book pages tighter. It made no sense.. what was this bitterness, this anger at Jane?! Wasn't this exactly what she wanted?! That the annoying girl moved on for both their sakes? She had to be mad because of her inability to get over her - she told herself as hot tears threatened to spill from her eyes. It this heartache could simply NOT come from imagining Jane in the arms of someone else! This just showed how she was right to push Jane away! She would leave her alone and she would find someone new to.. to give those looks and make jokes and make some woman feel special, feel like she mattered. As she bent down her head to wipe away a few errant tears she ended up reading the following line "17 It is so clear now, so obvious.. How did I not see that you never really saw ME? That all you saw was HIM and when time came you used me just like a pawn for his convinence. And I was stupid enough not to see it... To even be scared of letting you down. To want to prove myself to you." Something in Alice broke, she let her tears fall free. As hurt as she was that Jane saw her own crush, her imagination kept conjuring images of Jane finding out. Alice didn't mean for it to happen, she did not do it on purpose. Just when she realised that she was from the same hometown as Tate, she felt she had someone to talk, to discreetly feel closer to him, to find information she could use to make conversation with him. Even thought Jane and Tate had never met she felt closer to him. And then when he needed someone for his case, she knew Jane's intership was coming to an end so she did not see the harm in it - she got to solve a problem for Tate earning his gratitude, plus someone that would give her inside information about all things related to him. It wasn't personal for her, Jane was just there! How could she know what Jane felt?! Why did it feel so wrong now?

Images of their encounters kept flashing back to her mind. The fun conversations, the times she even let down her walls a little. The times she could see something wrong in Jane's eyes but choose not to ask about it. Finally the desperate looks Jane gave her when she decided to shut her out for good.

Alice had fallen back in her bed hugging the pillow and the notebook now wet with her tears, the outburst exhausted her and she quickly cried herself to sleep.

She opened her eyes as she felt familiar arms hold her. They were still in her bed and her head was resting in Jane's shoulder, she sighed "What are you doing here?" She felt the movement in Jane's chest as she lightly laughed "You tell me Beautiful, this is your dream", Alice felt hands lazely tracing soothing patterns on her back "You are gone" she said without looking into the other woman's eyes. "Yes, but I am here" Jane replied. "Are you a ghost? Are you real,or just my imagination?" Jane smiled "I don't know. Or maybe I won't tell" Alice couldn't help but smile at the mock-dramatic teasing tone of that last sentence and before she could stop herself "b*t*h!", Jane just laughed and then hummed "mmm.. it sure feels nice to have the upper hand, for once" she kissed the top of her head.