The Beauty of Pain (Tagalog- R18)

Chapter16

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Luca

I think the hardest part of losing someone, isn't having to say goodbye, but rather is how to learn living without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that left inside your heart when they go.

And what hurt most is knowing they are not coming back.

I wish she is just mad at me like what she used to be. Hiding when mad. Avoiding me at all cost and when she saw me she will hit me because she is so damn mad, bent all her anger at me. Worst, the one I hated the most. Abstinence. Yah, s****l abstinence. He will not allow it when she is mad, until I go crazy. She love doing that to me.

That what she is. And I love her for that. I love her most when she's mad at me. She was real, fierce and the softest woman I know. The only woman I will ever love.

"Bro! Okay ka lang." It was Liam. He is in my house sa Antipolo.

I'm a liar if I say I am. Kaya hindi ko siya sinagot at tiningnan lang. How can I be okay?

"Neh, neh... Neh!" Damn! My daughter is crying again.

"Bro! Umiiyak na si Calla. Ayaw tumahan sa yaya." Sigaw ni Liam.

Natauhan ako bigla sa kabila ng pagkatulala. Napapikit at napahilamos sa aking mukha. Gusto kung mag-isip kung ano ba ang dapat kung gawin. If only she is here.

I don't have any idea how to care for a baby. I have Manang Emma with me pero matanda na siya. Ayoko naman siyang paalagain kay Calla.

Sa dami ng responsibility ko at mga dapat pang gawin I don't know kung ano pa ang uunahin ko. And now my daughter. As much I want and trust Caily'd parents to take care of her hindi ko kaya. She is the only living memory of the woman I only love. Kahit wala sa plano ko pa ang magkaanak for now. I love her and I promise to take good care of her.

Tumayo ako at kinuha ko ang aking anak sa crib. She was crying. I pity her because she wasn't able to experience direct breastfeeding. She is drinking breastmilk but from another mother. I purchase screened breastmilk from MMH, Allen's Hospital. It is pricey but worth it as they call it the golden milk.

"Hey, sweety. What's wrong? Are you hungry?" She stopped crying and look at me. Then suddenly tears started to fall from my eyes.

Looking at her is like I am staring at Caily Lane. Her eyes. Halos wala atang namana sa akin ang anak ko. She is a refelction of her mother. Even the way she stares. Kaya kahit magmaldita 'to paglaki I wouldn't mind.q

Oh God! How can we live without your mom, sweety. Even me I don't know how. I have many what if's in my mind. But all those are not important anymore the moment she was gone.

"Please. Help me to be strong. You are now my strenght. I promise I will love you and I will protect you at all cost." I hugged her tight. And I didn't stop crying. I never cried in my whole life. Only the time Caily was gone and now knowing that she is not really here. I am having a hard time to accept it.

I felt Liam tapped my shoulder. I know my friends are always there for me. One call away.

"Bro, we are always here. Remember that." He whispered.

I just look at him and nodded. Nakita ko rin si Manang Emma na umiiyak. She started to love Caily. Itinuring na rin niya na parang anak. I know she is hurting knowing that I am hurting too.

Calla touched my face with her little hand. She smiled at me. Hindi ko rin maiwasan hindi matawa. As if she is telling me not to worry and everything will be okay. Gumaan din ang aking pakiramdam.

Life must go on. Now that I have a little sunshine who will light up my life from today onward.

"Dito na pala ang pwede maging yaya!" I heard Liam exclaimed. I look behind me and saw a pretty young lady that is somewhat familiar to me.

Nangunot ang noo ko. I think I saw her before. Pilit kung inalala kung saan ko ba siya nakita.

"What the hell are you talking about Jin Lee!" Galit ang babae. Nakahanap pala ng sakit sa ulo si Liam.

"Since you are here and I am here also for vacation. Then you've got nothing to do right? Well, be a baby sitter to Calla. I double your salary and I will not tell Aj that you are here." It was Liam. That's good to hear. May magiging yaya si Calla. But, wait! AJ? Oh right! Pinsan ni Aj so Gwayne Erin Tan!

Kaya pala she looks familiar. Ofcours I know her. Aj is always worried about her. She's like a sister to him and also to me. Lahat ata ng galaw ng babaita na'to pinasundon dahil sa pakiusap ng kaibigan ko.

"So bro! Sabi ko sayo. No need to worry. Gwayne is at your service. She will take care of Calla. Ako ang bahala." Nakakaloko ang ngiti ni Liam. Parang may something ang dalawang 'to.

"Does Aj knows about this? You young woman. Do you know how to care for an infant?" I asked her. I just want to make sure that my daughter is in good hands. A reliable one.

"Nope. And you will not tell him if you want me to take care of your daughter." Banta nito sa akin.

Damn! Parang may bago akong sakit sa ulo. Aj was having a hard time now with Bella. Same with Allen. I envy this one. Though Liam's is complicated and more toxic because he is a celebrity. But, the good thing is. No woman complicates his life, maybe for now.

"Gwaye! You tried to hold Calla. Magpractice kana."

"My God Jin Lee! I am your personal assistant not a babysitter just in case you forgot?" Mataray na sabi ni Gwaye. Para palang mga aso't pusa ang dalawa na'to.

"Come'on. You said you will do anything for me. Keep your promise. Do it. For me. I'll double your salary...mmmh?" Halos magpacute pa ang mokong.

Mayroon akong hindi alam sa dalawang 'to ah. As long as somebody close to me will take care of my daughter. I'll shut my mouth.

"Okay, I'll try. I'm not good with this. I don't even have an idea. I am an only child for God sake Jin Lee. You better ask Aj."

"Oh, so you want me to tell Aj that you are living with me for quite sometime now? You want both of us to be dead?"

Walang nagawa si Gwayne. Nagdadabog itong lumapit sa akin at tiningnan si Calla.

"Oh, hi there little one. You are so pretty. I'm you Tita Gway. And we will be together most of the time. Is it okay with you?" She is doing the baby talk. And I saw Calla responded to her but kicking her legs and a small laugh from her.

"Oh my God! Jin Lee! She likes me. See. She is so happy and responding to me."

Lumapit naman si Liam dito. Kinuha sa akin ni Gwayne si Calla para kargahin. They played with my daughter. Natatawa ako. Hindi ko kasi maimagine si Liam na magiging ganito.

"Oh come'on Calla. You have a new favorite. I'm still your very handsome godfather. I should be the only one. The ultimate favorite ."

"Really? How can Calla know about it? Duh!"

Naiiling na lang ako sa dalawang nagbabangayan. Parang mga bata. I never saw before this side of Liam. I never thought he can be this free and act like a child. When you see him on screen, and in all magazine. He is so dead serious. He is one of the hottest Bachelor in Asia. If only they know.

I think Liam found someone he can be at peace. Like being home after facing a world full of lies and masked with pretentious. Here is free and him being his true self. This the real him. Free and happy.

Iniwan ko silang dalawa. Maybe I can go back to Iran to fix evrything that needs my presence. Maybe I can leave tomorrow. For now, I'll try to visit the woman I love the most.

I visited the mausolea of Riva's family. It was big. Sa dami nila sa family nila they want them to be buried in one mausolea. But this one is a modern mausolea, more on we call it as culumbaria and some additional cinerary urn niches. Caily's urn is here. If I have time I always drop by this place.

Everytime I visited this place my heart is so heavy. Everything is all coming back. The regrets. Yes I have those. If only I could turn back time I will be more attentive to her. I should have spend more time with her. Those last few months of her life naging busy pa ako. That was the time something happened to Allen. He was a mess. My bestbuddy needs me also. Kaso si Caily ang napabayaan ko.

I never thought she will deteriorate that fast. I thought I can find a solution and be able to save her. My money and power became useless. It didn't help to save and bring back to life the woman I love.

"Hi baby. How are you? I miss you... So bad." I almost whispered.

God! I can help but cry again. I felt like a child who is lost. But I have to talk to her, for me to be okay. Alam ko nakikinig siya.

"Babe, as I grieve for you, it sometimes feels like I am incapable of crying anymore, but I am always proven wrong. It has been over three months since you passed away, and though I don't think of you as often as I did at the beginning of this journey, you are never completely forgotten. I will always rember you everyday. In my house. Through Calla. She is growing up exactly like you. I wish you are here with us."

"You know what? Happy memories are tainted with sadness as I realize that for each of the things we did together innumerable times, there was a last time and there will never be another. It is hard to do things that we once always did together. And I can't think of doing it with somebody else."

"Babe, I will not think of you everyday. A time will come when I have adjusted to a life without you, as sad as that thought may be. But I will never forget who you were, and what you meant to me, and what you taught me. I'm grateful for all the small pieces of your life I get to carry on into mine, even though you yourself are not here."

"The sun has gone down on this part of my life, but my life is not over. I want to live in a way that honors your memory. I know that someday I will see you again. Not here, maybe in other life. I'll wait for that day. I promise to take good care of Calla. We love you. I love you so much. I'm sorry if you didn't often hear that when you were alive. That was my biggest regret. I love you. I love you my love."

My shoulder is shaking as I was crying. I miss her so bad. But I have to be strong for our daughter and for myself. I said my goodbye. I don't know when will I be coming back again. I know I will be very busy this coming days in Iran and other parts of the world. But I'll be coming back once everything is settle.

I was about to go out from the mausoleum when I saw a familiar silhouette of a woman.

When I go out. I see no one. Maybe it's just my imagination. I continue walking and leave the place with a heavy heart.