The Beauty of Pain (Tagalog- R18)

Chapter15

"Doc, you have to decide who to choose between the two. We need to act right away to save the patient."

I'm about to open my eyes when I heared people talking around me. Kaya nagtulog-tulugan muna ako. Gusto kung marinig ang iba pa nilang pag-uusap.

"This is so hard for me. Can CL decide once she wakes up? God! I can't. I want them both. I want the woman I love and my child."

It must be Luca. Yung boses niya na problemadong problemado at nahihirapan. He is talking to someone. I think one of my doctors. The are having a problem in managing my condition.

"Hindi pwede na hindi ka mamili. You know that. Alam na alam mo na if we can't both save them. You have to choose only one."

"Kinuha ko sayo ang case ni Dra. Riva. As much as I want you to be his Anesthesiologist hindi pwede. You are so affected and preoccupied. But you have to promise me that you will cooperate." Paliwanag ng kausap nito.

"I- I can't. I'm sorry.... mmmh... A-ayaw kung pagsisihan 'to habang buhay. Ayaw kung mamili pagkatapos magkamali ako. Buong buhay kung dadalhin sa aking konsensya." Halos magkautal utal ang bawat salita na lumalabas sa bibig ni Luca.

Kailangan ko na sigurong ipaalam sa kanila na gising na ako. Baka hindi sila makapagdecide sa kung ano man ang mga plano nila sa aking kalagayan. Knowing Luca. Baka hindi ko magustuhan ang pipiliin niya.

"W-what's the problem?" Kahit medyo masakit ang aking lalamunan ay pinilit kung makapagsalita.

Sabay silang napalingon sa akin. Luca hurriedly approached me.

"Hey, how are you feeling right now?" Puno ng pag-aalala niyang tanong sa akin. Malamlam ang kaniyang mga mata. It's not the same eyes I love staring at. Mas sanay akong makita na nag-aapoy sa galit ang kaniyang mga mata. O di kaya't matalim ito parati kung makatingin. Ngayon sobrang lungkot ang mga ito.

I smiled at him. He looks so haggard. Nangingitim ang ilalim ng kaniyang mata. Hindi rin ito nakapag shave manlang. He even lose some weight.

"You look, awful Luca." Nakangiwi kung sabi ko sa kaniya. Nangunot muna ang noo nito at inisip ang ang aking sinabi.

Natigilan ito, umiling at biglang humalakhak. Nangunot naman ang aking noo sa kaniyang reaction.

"Damn, my baby is back. I miss this side of you." He said while holding my hand.

He is looking at me with so much gentleness in his eyes. I saw some sadness and pain. But he is trying to his best to conceal it.

"How's my condition? Why are you discussing about it? Sabihin mo sa akin ang totoo..." Banta ko sa kaniya. Matalim ko siyang tiningnan.

"ahemmm..." Tumikhim yung lalaking may edad na. Naka coat ito na puti so I guess, he is a doctor too. My attending physician probably.

"By the way, baby. He is Dr. Manuel. Your attending physician." Pakilala ni Luca kay doctor. Tipid akong ngumiti dito. Tumango naman ito bilang tugon.

"Dr. Riva, it's nice to know you are awake now after almost a week of being drowsy and sleeping. But, maiwan ko muna kayo. I'll be back if my decision kana Dr.dela Vega. I'll explained everything. Dr. dela Vega here will also explain to you some information regarding your condition. I'll leave now." Ngumiti ito at nagpaalam.

Gumanti rin ako ng ngiti at tinanguan ito. Muli kung tiningnan si Luca.

"Did I slept for a week? Seriously?" Mangha kung tanong sa kaniya. Tumango ito sa akin. He grip my hand tightly.

"Partly yes. There were times you woke up but drowsy and we can't even talk to you. Then you get back again for being unconcious. We are waiting for you to finally wake up."

Napaisip ako. Gano'n pala ang nangyari sa akin. Akala ko kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat.

"So, going back to my question a while a go. How's my condition now?mmm. Am I d-ying?" Mahina kung tanong dito. Ngunit hindi ko siya tinantanan ng tingin. Gusto kung malaman ang totoo at ng hindi siya makapag sinungaling sa akin.

Nakita ko siyang napapikit. He looked up and close his eyes while touching the bridge of his nose with his one hand.

"Babe, y-you are... ah f**k! You are pregnant... I'm going to be a father..."

Nakita ko ang saya sa kaniyang mga mata ngunit biglang napalitan naman ito ng sakit. He is not happy. I am shocked also. Ngunit saglit lang. The news that I've got made my heart beats faster than I expected. Slowly, a smile formed my lips.

If here's one thing I want to wish right now. This is it. I want to have someone that will live on when I die. A remembrance from me. Someone that will make the man I love happy and will look forward to, and to live on, even without me. Also, the one that will give joy to my family despite me leaving them with so much sadness and pain.

I chuckled. "Wow... Thank God!"

I was smiling while looking at his shocked face. He was staring at me with his lips parted. Hindi ko makuha ang emosyon na nasa kaniyang mga mata. Naging blangko ito.

"Hey... It's a good news! Are you not happy that we're gonna have a baby?" Sabi ko kay Luca. I touched his face para matauhan siya.

"Babe... It's not like that. I am, of course. It's our baby. But you know the situation. You are a doctor, it's an ethical dilemma."

"Yah, I know. That's why my decision will never ever change."

"Luca, no matter what happened. Please promise me one thing. Okay? Can you do it for me?" Halos yugyugin ko siya para matauhan lang at mangako sa akin.

Napapikit siya at umiiling-iling. His eyes became bloodshot. He is going to cry. I can't cry because I am happy. Knowing a little teapot is inside my tummy.

I hold his hand with my both hands. And Signaled him to sit in my bed...

"Babe... please promise me...mmmh?"

With my pleading face. I stared at him. Kaya wala siyang nagawa kundi sagutin ako.

"Okay, I promise. What is it?"

"Promise me you will choose our baby. No matter what the circumstances. Even if it means losing me. Choose the angel inside my womb, mmh?"

He was silent and worst bewildered. I know I'm asking too much. But I know for sure. It's so impossible to save us both. He need to choose one of us. Only one. I know it's hard, but he needs to keep his promise. I want him to make a promise right now para sigurado at walang bawian. I don't want that his emotion will affect his decision when the time comes.

"Luca... I'm waiting.... promise me now, please."

Umiiling pa rin siya. Pero ngayon kasabay ng pag-iling niya ay ang unti-unting pagkahulog ng kaniyang mga luha. He is crying now. His shoulder started to shake. Sa gumagaralgal na boses narinig ko ang ilang tanong na ayaw kung sagutin sana. Mahirap din para sa akin.

"Why it's so easy for you, huh? What if I won't follow you?" Pagalit niyang sabi sa akin. I have to be firm of my decision.

"Then, you will still lose me..." I said to him. Seriously looking into his eyes.

Umiiling pa rin siya. Basa na ang mga mata niya sa luha. Namumula na rin ang mga ito. Umiiling-iling pa siya. Halos hindi makapaniwala na pinapahirapan ko siyang magdesisyon sa mga oras na'to.

"You are being selfish again... gano'n lang kadali sayo lahat?" Binitawan niya ang aking kamay at tumayo. Tumigil muna siya ng ilang segundo bago naglakad papunta sa may pintuan ng hindi ako nililingon.

"I'll think about it. You can ask anything you want from me. But not this one. You're making it hard for me. So hard that it's like it will kill me if I agree with you." Ramdam ko ang bigat ng bawat salitang kaniyang binitawan. It pierced my heart. Hindi niya ako nilingon. Umalis siya.

The door closed. I was left alone. Natawa ako sa aking sarili. Bigla akong naiyak. Yes, I am being selfish. Pero yo'n ang gusto ko at wala siyang magagawa. Pinag-isipan ko na ang lahat ng 'to.

Days passes by. But Luca is nowhere to be found. I haven't seen him for days. Mas nasasaktan ako na isipin na kaya niya akong tiisin. Umaasa ako na bigla na lang siyang lilitaw sa aking harapan.

"Hey, are you okay?" It was Kuya Rennon. He was sadly looking at me.

"Yah, I'm okay Kuya." Pilit kung ngumiti sa kaniya.

He went home the moment he found out my current condition. Sobra itong nag-alala. Kagaya rin nina Luca kung papapiliin ito, ako rin ang pipiliin niya. He wanted me to forgo with my decision and support Luca. According to him, adoption is a much better choice. The most important is buhay ako.

"Please live Caily. We can't afford to lose you." He hugged me after he said those words. I felt his shoulder shaking. He is crying.

"Kuya, thank you for everything and for your love. I'll be happy if you will find someone who will love you more than you deserve. You are a great person." Mahina kung bulong sa kaniya.

Mas lalo niyang hinigpitan ang kaniyang yakap. Pati ako naiiyak na rin. Ayoko na nasasaktan din siya.

Nakatulog ako ng umalis si kuya Rennon. Hindi kasi ito nagtagal at sumaglit lang dahil bawal siyang lumiban sa trabaho. Sakto naman at dumating si mommy. As always. My caring mother is always at my side.

"Princess... You want something to eat?" Magaan nitong sambit na nakangiti pa. But the sadness in her eyes is very visible.

I hold her hand at umiling ako. "No, mommy. I'm not hungry."

I love my mommy. If I will have the chance to be born again. I wish her to be my mother again and again. She is what an epitome of a great mother for me. A mother that I never had.

"I love you, mommy. Love for me is... You. Thank you for that. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is."

Her eyes became watery. She is about to cry. Hindi siya nagsalita. Nakatingin siya sa akin.

"Mommy..." I said softly.

"P-please anak... for us. Fight and live. Mommy will always be here for you. Dadamayan kita, araw at gabi. I won't leave by your side. Just stay and live, mmmh?" Pakiusap niya sa malungkot na boses.

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Here we are again. Am I being selfish? Kasi ang gusto ko ang dapat na masunod. But I want my baby to live. Siguro I will just go with the flow. Kung ano ang mangyayari dapat yun ang tanggapin ko.

Dumating ang araw na lumabas na ako ng hospital. Hindi ko pa rin nakikita si Luca. Ni anino niya ay hindi ko manlang nasilayan sa mga araw na nasa hospital ako. Mas lalo tuloy akong nalungkot.

"Princess... What's wrong?"

It was my mom. Pumasok ito sa aking kwarto ng hindi ko namamalayan.

"Mommy. Any news about Luca?" Nakita ko na biglang natigilan si mommy. Dahan dahan itong lumapit sa akin at tipid na ngumiti.

"Maybe he is busy. Matagal ka rin kasi niyang binantayan sa hospital. Baka inaasikaso ang mga negosyo niya." Paliwanag niya. Ngunit ramdam ko ang kaniyang pag-aalinlangan. Mukhang may tinatago sila.

"Okay..." Halos pabulong kung sagot sa kaniya. I'm not convinced but I don't want to ask anymore dahil for sure wala akong makukuhang tamang sagot.

Mom stays with me in my room. She was talking about so many things. Including mga news and chismis sa tv. I am just listening to her. I know she is diverting my mind into something that makes me forget about Luca. Kaya kung ano ano na lang nakekwento niya. Sa kalaunan napagod din ito at nagpaalam.

I lay down in my bed. Still thinking about Luca. Did something happened? Hindi ko alam sino ang tatawagan ko para alamin kung nasaan siya. Kung ano ang pinaggagagawa nito at bakit hindi ito nagpaparamdam.

Then I remember Cassie. Mas lalo akong nalungkot. I don't know where she is. Bigla na lang itong umalis ng bansa at hindi nagpaalam. Walang may nakakaalam kung nasaan at ano ang rason. I miss her a lot. Kung nandito lang sana siya. Kahit papano may magiging kakampi ako. Gusto ko sana magalit sa kaniya ngunit alam ko may rason ang lahat kung bakit bigla siyang hindi na nagparamdam. Hihintayin ko na lang ang araw na 'yon kung kailan ready siyang sabihin sa akin lahat. Sana pag dumating ang araw na'yon ay buhay pa ako.

"I miss you, Loves... I hope you're doing okay. Wherever you are right now." Bulong ko. I heaved a deep sigh and closed my eyes.

Bigla naman akong inantok. I decided to sleep. Masakit din kasi ang aking buong katawan. Parang nanghihina na naman ako. I know they limit my medications sa kung ano lang ang pwede. Pinatanggal ko ang mga gamot na mga teratogenic, meaning mga gamot na posibling makasira at makaapekto sa paglaki ng anak ko sa aking sinapupunan. Kaya mas ramdam ko ang sakit from time to time.

They removed morphine from my list of medication and I can only take Paracetamol if ever I am in pain. May limit lang din since nasa first trimester pa lang ako ng pregnancy. I have lots of supplements. Minsan nasusuka na ako at parang ayaw ko ng inumin ang mga ito. But I have to, for my baby.

Days. Weeks and now months have passed but still no Luca was seen in our house. There were times he called ngunit nagkakataon na tulog ako. At sabi ng mga kasambahay namin and even mom that the call came from a landline number and not in the country. So meaning wala siya sa bansa.

Pansin na rin ang umbok ng aking tiyan. I'm on my second trimester of Pregnancy. Kaya I need to keep living and be healthy. Ngunit nagkaroon ng problema. Minsan nahihirapan akong huminga. I'm having pulmonary hypertension. One of the complication of my illness. Kaya naman sobrang alaga nila sa akin. May naka standby din na oxygen sa aking kwarto.

"CL anak. Gusto mo bang lumabas? makapagpahangin ka sa hardin. Lumalaki na rin yang tiyan mo. Para matuwa rin si Baby."

It was Nanay Mila. Sa kaniyang malumanay na boses. Tumatanda na siya sa bawat araw na nadaan. Ngunit parati siyang nandyan para sa akin. Nakabantay at napaka maalaga. She is like my second mom.

"Sige po Nay..."

Dahan dahan akong bumangon. Nakaramdam na naman ako ng pagkahilo. Mula higaan lumipat ako sa wheelchair. Yes, para talaga akong lumpo. I'm on complete bedrest. Bawal nga akong magbanyo. Sa kama rin ako nila pinapaliguan.

Si Nanay Mila na rin ang tumulak ng aking wheelchair papunta sa hardin. The moment I stepped outside our house. The sun welcomed me with a warm smile. The fresh air seemed comforting, like my soft bed. This is life. I wish I can have it for a long time. I wish that life could be this simple. With the people I love the most who will be there beside me.

"Ang ganda naman ng panahon. Tamang tama pala paglabas natin. Kailangan mo ang araw." Masayang sabi ni Nanay Mila.

Her voice that is full of happiness woke me up from the depth of my reverie. I looked up to her and saw how happy she is. I will surely miss this woman.

"Nay... I will miss you. Stay healthy always, okay?"

"Nakong bata ka! Aba syempre. Kailangan natin maging malusog. Aalagaan ko pa ang mga anak mo." Tumatawa nitong sambit.

Speaking of mga anak. I have one. And it is growing stronger. Bigla siyang sumipa. It was a very faint movement but still I was able to feel it for the first time. Parang gusto niyang sumali sa usapan at sabihing tama si Nanay Mila. Bigla kung hinawakan ng marahan ang aking tiyan. Hinaplos ito ng paulit-ulit.

"Stay strong my little angel. You will live. Mommy will promise you that..."

Nagtagal din kami sa hardin bago napagpasyahan na pumasok na. Nakakabagot minsan ang paulit ulit lang na ginagawa sa bawat araw. Dahil sa wala akong ginagawa kaya parati kung naaalala si Luca. And in that moment of my longing and sadness for him, I always wrote a letter.

***

"Luca! Luca!"

Nagising ako sa kalagitnaan ng gabi. Basa ng pawis at habol sa paghinga. Parang namanhid din ang aking ulo. Halos wala akong maramdaman at parang nakalutang. Masakit ang aking buong katawan. Sa sobrang sakit halos mawalan na ako ng boses. At hindi ako makasigaw.

Hindi ko na rin namalayan kung sino sino ang mga tao na nasa aking paligid. Mga iba't ibang boses lang ang aking naririnig. Puno ng pag-aalala at takot.

"CL! Jusko po!"

"Oh my God! CL anak... Please..."

"Hang on Princess... We are going to the hospital..."

Ngunit may isa akong boses na gustong gusto na marinig. Ang boses na magsasabi sa akin na...

"Baby... hold on. Everything's gonna be alright..."

That one voice that I wanted to hear for a long time now.

It's amazing what the sound of a voice you’ve been longing to hear can do to your heart...