Break Free

EVEN IF

"Them...," I pointed at Coach and the children around him; they were all having fun. And though we are still quite far, we could already hear the children’s sweet laughter as they ran after Coach. 

Nathan slowly puts me down as he tries to catch his breath. Then he looked at me, held me on my shoulders, and began asking me questions again. "What if it is not worth it? What if you end up hurting after giving all your love? What if they reject you? Would you still choose to live that 'purpose-driven-life' you're saying? Would you still consider them as your purpose for living?"

His eyes were painted with deep sorrow and despite appearing aggrieved, his inner man seemed to call for help. 

"My dad has a friend named Cornelius. He is such a sharp-witted man, everything he says hits directly to my heart. And I'll never forget what he said to me when I was in my darkest hour."

"What did he say?" his voice and body were trembling, eager to find an answer.

I took his hands off my shoulders and gently placed them near his heart. "You must not let a dark thread inside of you keep you from the measure of light you were designed for and were intended to be."

"Hmmm, he must love speaking in parables."  

“Yeah, he does. But after hearing those words, I couldn't take it out of my head. It was like a strong yet gentle wind. 

“Strong yet gentle wind, I like that,”  He reckoned while wrapping my arms around his back.

“It was a strong wind sweeping me off my feet, forcing me to move forward. Yet in irony, it was also a gentle wind that kept whispering assurance and hope to me.... It was both a strong conviction and a gentle comfort.” 

I am not the type of woman who speaks in irony, for I never liked the thought of contradicting words. One has to be clear and firm in his or her word, to prevent confusion. But this specific topic is an exception, for the only reason I decided to move forward was because of the contradicting nature of the parable as he calls it; a strong yet gentle wind.  

After hearing my point, he slowly wrapped his hands around my waist and benevolently asked if I could walk from there. He is no longer trembling and his voice sounds more relaxed than before. 

"Yes, sure. Thank you for carrying me all the way here, you must be worn out."

“Not really, though I’m a bit curious, what does your friend mean by dark thread and light?" He assisted me as we both walked back to the camp. 

Throughout the entire day, I've seen different sides of him and I have to admit, I'm wrong about him. All my assumptions based on his actions and choice of words, were completely biased. I thought he was a shallow, mean, cold hearted man who only thinks about himself but now that I understand his pain, he is more than the man I see and hear. 

Nathan is a mysterious man but just like the wind, he personifies irony. He is tough, strong, and intimidating on the outside; pushing everyone who goes near him. Yet he is also broken, lonely and sad inside, waiting for someone and begging to be rescued.

“Hmm I believe dark threads are those negative things we carry, those evil things inside of us. It could be fear, bitterness, anger or any form of malice.” I briefly answered. 

“And light means forgiveness, love, peace; those kinds of positive words, am I right?” he replied. He appears to be interested but the way he talks signals that he already knows the answer but he refuses to believe it. Obviously, he is not convinced that there is such light that we need to protect, in order for that light to save us from any dark thread.

“You asked a lot of what ifs earlier, did you know that it is a sign of having a dark thread? It draws you away from the light. In simpler terms, it is a sign of fear that draws you away from having faith.”

“Now we’re talking about fear and faith. Wow, you just made things even more complicated."

"You might think that I don’t understand your pain and fear but believe me, when I say, I have been in that position before. You have no idea where that pride and fear of yours will lead you." I replied, sounding like a nagging mother who is desperate to speak wisdom to his son. But as I speak, I saw Brian running towards us and based on his speed, he's probably worried. We've been gone for almost four hours, I bet they are now done with the first activity. 

"Enlighten me then, Ms. Know-it-all, where will this fear and pride lead me? To death? I'd be happy to welcome that for there's not much difference anyway. With how things are now, I feel like I am a dead person staying among the living." 

Ms. Know-it-all, I think I've heard someone calling me that before. I'm just not sure where.

We were both displeased with each other's perspective, it is as though we were night and day that could never meet in the middle. But as Brian gets nearer and nearer, my heart was filled with urgent desire to win back Nathan's lost hope. 

“With FEAR ruling me, I’ve got many ‘what ifs’. But the moment I started speaking life to the situation I am in, when I started having faith that things will turn out right, everything changed. FAITH made me courageous, it taught me to replace my ‘what ifs’ with ‘EVEN IF’. Even if it is not worth it. Even if I end up hurting after giving all my love. Even  if they reject me. I would still choose to live a 'purpose-driven-life’. I would still consider them as my purpose for living."

By the time I finished talking, Brian had reached us. He was shaking as he took my other arm and wrapped it around his shoulders. "What happened, are you guys alright?" running out of breath, he queried.  

"It’s not faith, it’s more of sacrifice and being numb." Nathan responded. Still completely immersed in our conversation; consciously ignoring Brian's presence and question. 

Brian pressed my hand gesturing his concern. "What's happening, what are you talking about Nathan?" he continued to query.  

"Isn’t sacrifice a result of unconditional love?" I answered Nathan. Then I gently moved my hand off him and took two steps away from him. "I'll now go with Brian, thank you for your help back there, thank you for not leaving me." 

He didn't seem to like what he heard but he just smiled and waited for us to walk first.

I have tried my best to give hope to him, but right now, he is hard as rock, unwelcoming of a new outlook on life. I won't give up on him; however, I need to know my limits. I can't force things by mere talk since I know how hard it is to believe something you have never seen or experienced.

"Hey Ms. Know-it-all, don't forget to disinfect your wound and remember not to let it scar! Because based on my experience, EVEN IF the healing process is done, EVEN IF there's no more pain, it is hard to remove that scar!" He shouted and really placed an emphasis on the words even if.

"Even if it scar, even if it looks ugly on the outside, as long as I know that the healing process was done properly and that it is complete, the scar no longer matters. It is just a reminder of what I've been through. A lesson I should never forget but at the same time, I should never let ruin me. Enjoy your stay here Mr. Andrews, welcome to Break Free!" I shouted back and started moving on.