Of Dark & Light: Acceptance

Chapter Two

4 years past

Lillie’s POV

It has been 4 years since I saw Mari’s dark chocolate eyes. She had dad’s eyes. They were always so comforting. The doctors called me at school today to tell me she woke up. My heart jumped and broke at the same time. It jumped because after 4 years Matty and I were told she may never wake up, but I refused to believe it. It was a miracle that Jamie had come home the night prior. It was a miracle that he pulled her from the flames and began assessing her. She is the reason he decided on going on to medical school. Jamie was on his second-year residency here. He excelled at what he did. Pushing past the normal rate to get where he was today. Taking all-year semesters. He saved her. My heart broke knowing the road ahead was going to be difficult for her.

I could feel she was getting anxious again when looking at Jamie. We did not want to spring everything on her all at once. It is why I made Matty wait at physical therapy downstairs. He underwent 11 surgeries and skin grafts over the last 4 years, and we agreed we did not want to overload her with everything. Taking one focused look at Matty would send her into overdrive. It was then she locked eyes with me again, that I knew she was registering at least the time frame. Causing Mari to collapse. My heart sunk and I began to cry again. Jamie and Miss. Millie grabbed my shoulders. Reassuring me it was okay. It hurt knowing that this was just the beginning of a very long road for us all but mostly for my selfless sister who saved her favorite twins. The selfless act of giving her life to save Matty and me. An act that by some act of holy spirit or my mother’s undying defiance in the after, as she and mom called it, refusing to allow any of her children to join her.

I can remember that night with such vivid memory that I often smell the charred skin of my brother. I remember waking up to him shaking me to wake. Telling me to get up that we needed to get out of the house. I was confused and didn’t understand. I saw his skin and the charred black and red all over his arms and front left chest area up to his neck to his left ear. He was burned so badly. Then he collapsed on our floor without another word. I tried to wake him up I was scared. I went to the door to get mom. Feeling the heat formed off it and a soft whisper behind me, “…don’t open it, Lil…”. Then silence. My heart broke.

When I ran back over to him is when I heard the screaming of pain and death. Which only sent me into a spiraling panic that caused me to freeze and whimper knowing it was my mom screaming out. I do not remember how long I sat frozen over my twins’ unconscious body, it wasn’t until I heard my bedroom door shut hard and loudly did, I register Amara had made it into my room. I crawled to her shaken and traumatized by everything around me. I remember seeing her mouth moving but not understanding what she was saying to me at first until I heard her ask about Matty. I froze in fear again. She loudly said my name and then repeated herself making me promise to pull Matty to the road and run to Miss. Millie’s house, once we got out.

I remember the floor shaking and glass shattering, Matty tied to me tightly. The smell of his burned skin turned my stomach. It is a smell I can never forget no matter how hard I try. I remember freezing for the millionth time when the flames came through the door. Amara snapping me out of it, forcing my attention to her. Using this moment to drop us down slowly. Until we dropped fast and hard the last 3 or 4 feet. I panicked because she lost the only thing, she could use to lower herself down. Before I could try and do something, my promise to my sister pulled my focus and I pulled Matty as far as I could. Feeling hands on me, I jumped straight ready to defend myself and Matty. Relaxing when I realized it was Miss. Millie’s arms wrapping around me and Jamie, who I hadn’t seen in a little over 2 years now taking Matty into his arms.

Panic sprung through me when my sister looked up and me mouthing “I love you” before she laid down on the roof. Flames ready to engulf her small, framed body. Amara was not a big person. Barely 5 foot 3 inches on a good day. Small, framed curves and barely any muscle. It still amazes me to this day that she even had the strength to lower Matty and me down together. She had our mother’s determination and fighting spirit. She was going to let nothing happen to us. Her favorite twins’ as she called us. We are the only twins she knew but it didn’t matter to us. She gave her all, every last bit to get us out of that house. Almost like she knew and accepted the fact she was not going to join us. She was all we had left and she to now was leaving us.

After dad passed away mom made a will. Making Miss. Millie our guardian if anything were to happen to her. Adding unless Mari wanted to care for us. In fine print mom added that she wanted her to focus on college first though, to follow her dreams. Mom would respect her choice regardless. Since the fire Miss. Millie has taken care of us and Amara. We had multiple doctors tell us she would never wake. Tell us we needed to let her go. Miss. Millie left it to Matty and me to decide what was best. I love her for this decision because here was my sister breathing on her own again next to me.

Sure, she was out cold again, now that she pulled herself out of a 4-year coma, she still had a lot of healing to do. She needed her rest and those 5 to 10 minutes she was awake took a lot out of her mentally and physically. The information the 3 of us saw her taking in from just looking at us. It was a lot for her, I understood that. Jamie and Miss. Millie tried to get me to leave, knowing she was coming back to us, to me, I could not leave her. I refused to let her wake up again alone. I knew what it felt like for me every time I opened my eyes. When Jamie told me he had to stick her with a needle the first time she woke. She had tried jumping out of bed in a frenzy. Which makes sense, last thing she knew she was laying on a burning roof alone, dying. I was not going to let her be alone again.

So, Jamie had one of the CNA’s bring me a fold-out bed chair. For the next day, I let her rest and just sat with her. Watching all her favorite movies with her. Even though she was sleeping I thought she would enjoy having them as background noise. Jamie walked in with Matty, whispering again. I knew what they were up to, but I refused. I was not going to go to sleep until I got to see her awake again. “Bean, you need to try and sleep. She is right next to you. I promise someone will, if not Amara will wake you when she wakes up.” I gave Matty a sour look for that request and calling me Bean. I hated that nickname, and he knew it. Looking at him, I break-a little again. His skin on his neck and arms were healing nicely from that last skin graphing. They had to remove his ear though. It had been too damaged to keep. It pained me to see him most of the time. He was unconscious for 8 months after the fire.

The doctors told us that this was normal. That if he hadn’t, then they would have put him under themselves. He needed time to rest and heal. That way he could be strong enough to go into surgery. We almost lost him the morning after the fire. The doctors rushed him to the OR, but he was too weak and kept bottoming out as they called it. So they pulled the plug until he was stronger. “Matt go home! You know you cannot be in here right now. Just until we have been able to tell her. Seeing you may send her spiraling.” Saying that to him hurt me. There was nothing more I wanted than for Matty to see those deep chocolate eyes of hers again as I had. We all agreed though to do what was best for Mari.

“I know I know. I just wanted to bring you a snack and a drink. I had Miss. Millie make you her Extra cream Hot Cocoa. Just the way you like it. And your favorite gummy bears from that corner store down the road from here.” The dude had me at Miss. Millie made me… I loved EVERYTHING she made. After 24 hours of everything hospital, I was craving anything made by Miss. Millie. It wasn’t until 10 minutes after consuming everything did, I notice something was off. “Matt, you asshole” …and my eyes closed, and I drifted off.

Amara’s POv

          “Mari! Wake up! AMARA!!!! Wake the f**k up!” My mom yelled as she shook the life out of my body. Then I hear her blood-curdling screams as the flames take her away from me. My eyes dart open as I sit up franticly. Scared and unaware of where I am. Panic taking over me and my body. Machines going off, clearly alerting someone that something is wrong. Where am I? I look around, looking for the flames, for my mother, then finally I see Lillie. Instantly relaxing as I see her sleeping body in a makeshift bed next to my hospital bed. She looked so peaceful, so much like mom. Her light hair dancing over her soft snores coming out of her mouth.

          “Yup. Just like mom.” I giggled out. Pain. This time an achy pain in my chest. Mom…I may have been woken by a nightmare, but that nightmare actually happened. Mom’s bright, loving warmth would never again embrace me. It was only ever dad, mom, and me for as long as I could remember. Until the twins, then it was us 5 against the world. Miss. Millie weaseled her way into our world when I was 6ish. We moved in a crossed the street and the first thing that happened as mom got me out of the car…pie and hot cocoa shoved into my face. I instantly fell in love with this woman, I adopted as my new grandmother from that moment on.

          I had time to accept my dad never embracing me again. I had a year. It wasn’t easy but I was given time to get in all my goodbyes, soaking in the memories. My mom… I wasn’t given that chance. Not even a goodbye was allowed. She was taken from me without a word. My mother was such an amazing person. She never took life for granted. Never took anything to heart or too seriously. She wanted love and to spread that love with everyone. Especially with any animal, she could find. I turned away from my sleeping sister and her soft snores, trying to hide my tears of sorrow. She had at least 5 years to move past this pain, accepting it with Miss. Millie’s help.

          I did not get that. I had been asleep, only to wake unknowing of how much time had truly passed. The tugging in my chest began to ache again, too much pain this time. I tried to stand up, not knowing where I would go. Knowing I needed to get away from this pain when I lost balance. Dropping into a set of arms and a familiar voice. “Hey kid, why are you trying to stand up? You need to let your body heal…Please…” Annoyed by his remark to my independence I looked up with my sour face cutting him off. “Jamie, why are you even here?” I hissed, stabbing daggers into his beautiful eyes. Ugh, stop gushing over him. Give him hell Amara. Giving myself that extra pep talk I needed.

“Um, the nurse alerted me when she saw you up, watching your sister. I came to do the work upon you that I did not get a chance to do earlier. But, good to know there is still a hateful grudge being held.” Saying the last part softly with remorse. Remorse? Why would he have any kind of guilt feelings? He left me high and dry when I needed him most. He had a chance to graduate early from high school, he took it. He was my best friend, my father was dead, and he left me. Jamie was all I had minus my mom, the twins, and Miss. Millie of course. The day after he left, I got an email from him. Yeah, an email… what a joke.

He did not even have the courage to tell me to my face what he was doing. He kept everything from me and disappeared. I have not seen him since. “Go get someone else. I do not want you near me.” I say to him in a hiss. Taken aback by my response Jamie sets me down on the bed again. Regret and hurt very clear on his face, mixed with something else I could not seem to understand. “I will go grab the P.A. her name is Jackie. You will like her.” He said, hurt very clear in his voice. “Doubtful.” I spit out in a whisper. A few minutes later a woman early to mid-’30s with curly auburn hair, big green hazel eyes, and curves that moved gracefully with her steps came in.

“Hi! I am Jackie, the PA for this floor. You must be Amara!” she said joyfully reaching her hand out to me. I do not like to be touched by others, but I know mom would backhand the side of my head if I did not show respect. I reached out for her hand and shook it. “Yeah, um hi…please try to speak quietly. I do not want to wake my sister”, speaking softly so I do not wake up Lil glancing back at her sleeping frame. “Yeah, that is fine! Just so you know your brother slipped her, her sleeping medication in a drink so she would sleep. She won’t be easily woken up anytime soon.” She giggled out. I snap my head back at her with a glare. Jackie quickly replies with no hesitation and a hand slightly up, “She does not sleep because of the nightmares. Watching you fall into the flames, then dragged out by Jamie traumatized her. So, Millie and Matthew often have to force her to sleep. Or she will go days without it. She was using you waking up yesterday as an excuse to not sleep the past almost 36 hours.”

This pained me to hear, all the anger I had been shooting at the doctor about drugging her vanished. All I wanted to do was hold her sleeping. Protecting her from the pain she was reliving over and over when she closed her eyes. Confusion slapped me in the face. Forcing me to look back at Jackie, “Wait, who pulled me out?” I could not have heard that correctly. Jamie was not even in the state during the fire. He was away, 5 hours away at UCLA. He took back-to-back semesters, and he never came home on breaks. Every time his mother came over for “Wine Wednesdays” during those breaks, she would be so sad and cry about how much she missed him.

“Jamie did. My resident that was just in here. He was home for the weekend when he saw the fire. We have all heard the story of how he handed Matthew off to the EMT, just in time to dart over to the house, as you fell with the roof. He was able to grab hold of you and pulled you out.” She endearingly said, with what sounded like a hint of lust. Cougar much? Why did this seem to irritate me? I didn’t understand why it did. I loved him growing up and into high school, but he made it very clear I was nothing but a little sister to him. He proved this most when he took off.

 Who emails a goodbye and then two years later shows up randomly and saves that person? I should thank him, but I won’t. I am allowed to still be mad right? It may have been most likely over a decade to them. For me, though it still felt like a few years ago. Noticing Jackie was still looking me over. I look up, quietly asking her my dooming question, “Can I ask you a question?” Not missing a beat, she looks up with a smile. “I think he is seeing someone.” Confusions now clear as day on my face she begins to apologize to me, “Oh sorry, I thought you were asking about my med student. Ha-ha. I guess not. But yes, please ask away.” Shaking off that can of worms I’d rather ignore right now I straighten up and whisper…

“Uhm…how long have I been out?” Jackie looks nervous for a second but begins to grab my hands and holds them tightly not breaking eye contact with me. “Amara, tomorrow makes 4 years to the day.” My stomach drops and I start to hear the machines going off again. Signaling my body is spiraling out of control. It has been 4 years! I knew it had to be years, but to hear it out loud sent me spiraling. Repeating “4 years!” in my head, possibly out loud. I wasn’t sure at this point. The only thing I was sure about was that I was 18 when the fire happened, I was now 22! I should be working on my master’s degree right now! The twins were 10 the night of the fire, and now…14. I quickly looked back at Lillie.

 In tears at this point, I have missed 4 years of her life. I am sure I have missed her first kiss, her first love, her aunt red’s first visit. Oh no! Had Miss. Millie stepped up to that experience with Lil. Matty! Oh, Matty! I haven’t even seen him. He was so burned. Where was he? What has he been doing for 4 years? Why was he not here with her and me! He was clearly here earlier. Breathing began to get harder and harder. I felt the empty call for me. I didn’t want to go back there. I did not want to be alone there again. It was not until Jamie was on the floor in front of me hugging me tightly did, I notice myself shaking uncontrollably and fighting bits of rage. “Mari! I need you to listen to my voice. Please! I know you hate me, but for now, I need you to focus on my voice.” Jamie pleaded with me.

I tried to do what he said and focus on him, but my anger with him only caused me more distress. I tried to stand. I did not want to sit anymore. I did not want to be here anymore. I wanted to be in my bed that burned down with my house, mother, and my Maxie, 4 years ago. Lillie has needed me for 4 years while putting on a bright face and pretending she was okay. Yet she has been refusing to sleep because of that night. Because even time her eyelids close, she relives the worst night of our lives. She relives the screams, the pain, the loss of everything. Oh no! The empty darkness is fading in again! I push to stand again only to be held by Jamie more. “Let me go! Let me go now! I cannot do this! I want to go home!” “Amara! Please! You can’t! Look at me! Please!” Jamie yells at me trying to snap my attention to him.

My eyes lock with his and he lowers his voice, “Amara, you need to calm yourself. Do not wake Lillie and scare her more. Breathe for your sister. You are okay. You are safe here.” His eyes fiercely locked onto mine, softening as he continues to speak. Snapping me to focus on thoughts of my sleeping sister. Jamie was right I did not want to cause her more nightmares. More pain. I tried to breathe watching the empty space of darkness fade in more and more. I am trying with all my heart to stop it from taking me again. Even if that means keeping my focus on Jamie and my sister. My chest tugs forward again. “Please, don’t let me go…”, I say as the empty space cuts me off. Finally consuming me, pulling me into its darkening embrace. Alone again. I hear a voice whisper, “I won’t this time…”