Of Dark & Light: Acceptance

Chapter Twelve

Amara

                I got out of bed and paced my room. I can't cry. Why am I doing this to myself! I can not afford to fall apart. I can not afford to be broken. God, I am so stupid! I can not even talk to him without falling apart! Stupid Stupid! I grabbed my hair and pulled walking over to the chair and just fighting the tears from freefalling. I looked up and to the dark sky lit by a beautiful full moon. It pulled me to it. I don’t know how long I had been staring at the moon, but it wasn’t until I felt a hand on my knee that I snapped out of it. I looked down and traced my eyes down to the hand of its owner. Not expecting to see Jamie. He was here? When did he get here? He was looking at me with pained eyes. Why? The realization I was crying. My eyes my face full of tears. He was here for me. He came back here for me.

                I couldn’t believe this. The emotions started to build in me. All of them beginning to overwhelm me. That is when he pulled me down to him on the floor. Holding me. I was hesitant at first until his warmth and smell covered me. I let my body sink into his allowing the rest of my tears to fall from my body. I could no longer hold them back. My parents were gone. My home was gone. My beautiful twins were in pain. Matty was in a coma and burns covering him. I had missed 4 years of life. Mine. Theirs. My mothers. I had nothing and nothing to give anymore. I stayed there crying for what felt like forever. Until the tears started to dry up and the cries silenced. I stay there being soaked in him, in Jamie, till sleep had taken me.

                  I woke up confused. I was not on the floor anymore or on the bed. The warmth and smell of freshly cut cherry wood and ambers still surrounded me. realizing he had moved us to the pullout chair, and he had kept me on him close. I must have fallen asleep on him as I cried. I could not help but find myself smiling at this thought. My thought is cut off by a soft snore coming from above me. I gently lift my head to see a sleeping Jamie snoring. I giggle to myself. Well, it is good to know that has not changed about him. He had always snored. I used to complain about it growing up but as we got older it became white noise for me. It kept the dreams of the man away.

                It made me feel safe. Odd to think a snore made me feel safe. I watched him sleep for a moment, I realized I needed to pee. So I tried to move off him slowly I did not want to wake him up. I tried for about a minute until I gave up because every time, I tried to move his arms his grip would tighten on me. Deciding I would have to awkwardly wake him up. I placed my hand on his chest and shook a little. “Jamie… hey Jamie. Wake up.” Nothing. Ugh, he was always a heavy sleeper. Then a memory popped in my head. Of Jamie in my room after sneaking in when I was 12. I couldn’t sleep and had a nightmare, so he snuck over and slept next to me. He had fallen asleep, and I had been grounded. Meaning if mom and dad caught him, he would be dead. He wouldn’t wake up for me no matter how much I tried. I had to resort to biting his ear. Ugh, would that be inappropriate now? Weighting how badly I had to go pee I decided I was going to either pee on him or I was going to bite his ear. I went towards the biting. Peeing on him was a weirder thought. Though it would serve him right.

                I squirmed up enough where I knew I could reach his ear. I got it in between my teeth and clapped. His eyes shot open letting go of me and grabbed his ear. His sleepy puzzled eyes glanced at me. I couldn’t help but laugh at him. “OW! Mari, that hurt!” he said. “Well, I have to pee and 1. You wouldn’t let me go. Two your snoring ass wouldn’t wake up. What choice did I have? Hahaha. Serves you right.” I responded with humor and sarcasm while getting into the bathroom. “…I don’t miss that s**t about you…” he said grumpily rubbing his ear trying to keep it at a mumble.  “I heard that!”  I yelled out through the closed door.

                After peeing I returned to my bed silently giggling at Jamie as I watched him continue to rub his ear. Shooting daggers at me. “Yeah, know there are other ways of waking someone right? You do not have to consistently bite people. It is not polite.” At this point, I was laughing so hard. “And how do say please do you wake someone up politely after you have already tried to wake someone up nicely? I mean even when I tried to sneak away just to pee you gripped on to me tighter. So please Mr. know-it-alls inform me.” I just looked at him intently as I saw him shake away a look of shock. Assuming he must have forgotten the fact I will always have something to respond with quickly. Dad said it was because I was a spitfire. Thinking of him again made me think of mom. I think Jamie noticed because he had gotten up and sat at my side grabbing my hand.

                “Hey. Look at me. It is okay. Okay? Wanna talk about it?” he said softly. I shook my head. “No it is okay. I just thought about dad. How he would call me his Spitfire.” I put my head down just to have it lifted by his hands. He stared at me for a moment before his eyes lit up. “Hey! Okay get up. Get a blanket and sit in the chair. We are going to escape for a moment.” He said slapping me lightly on my hand and legs. Confused I just stared back at his huge smile. He was up to something. “Come on we don’t have all day. It has to be around 3 or 4 in the morning, and I know Jackie and the resident are going to be sleeping and Dr. Minx doesn’t get on till 530 am. So lets go. Chop, chop” he said with certainty while clapping his hands. I could tell he was serious, so I got up quickly and grabbed my blanket wrapping it around me and sat in the wheelchair. It never really did take much for me to go along with anything he said.

                “Okay what ever you do, just act like you are sleeping and don’t wake up. Okay?” I shook my head just trusting him. As his eyes were saying so much. He wanted this to work. Which just made me giggle more. I just set my head back in the chair and closed my eyes. He came up behind me and whispered before walking out the door. “Ill tell you when to open them.” then we were off. He started to walk to what I presumed was the elevator. When i felt us stop and him walk away to push the button a female voice spoke up. “Dr. Daniels?”. Questioning him. “Oh hey Rayna! Jackie asked if I could bring her to do a scan. So I am bringing her up now as she is resting.” “but…” he cut her off pulling me in the elevator, “Bye Rayna!” that’s when I heard the doors shut and the elevator start moving. I could not tell which direction it was going though.

                We sat in the elevator for a good minute. It felt like forever till I finally heard the doors open up again and we started moving. We did a few more turns until he grabbed my hands to help me stand. “Okay I need you to trust me okay. Stand up and I will be right behind you. We have to walk up a few steps and then you can open your eyes okay?” he said into my ear. His voice sent shivers down my spine. I was excited about this. So I just shook my head okay and let him push me up stairs until I hit a door. “OW! Jamie!” I heard him giggle. “Oops sorry. Lol I figured I could get to the door quicker. My bad.” “Mhm sure sounds like you are sorry…” I say with annoyance. Going back to my ear he began to whisper again. “Okay you caught me. I am going to open the door and I want you to wait before opening your eyes, okay?” I shook my head okay. “Promise no peeking?” he said with a sarcastic inquiry. Ha-ha he knew me so well. “I promise. Now can we go through the door you tried to kill me with?” I said with urgency. I hate surprises and he knows it. The anxiety kills me.

                As he opened the door, I could feel the outside world swim around me. I felt awake again. Like I had still been in a coma until this very moment. The air swirled around me, and I took in the warmth of the air and the world. I felt home. Being outside had always felt like this for me. I felt like I would suffocate if I was inside for to long. “Open your eyes…” he whispered next to my cheek. His warmth invading my senses. I quickly opened my eyes. The hospital was the tallest building in the area above all the lights. It was darkest here in this spot. I looked up at the moon and stars and gasped. “Jamie… I… its…” he laughed at my words and amazement. “haha cat got your tongue? I saw how you were longing for the moon Amara. The pull it has on you. It was something you always had of your father. So I wanted to give him to you.” He said with sincerity. Unshed tears grasping at my eyes.

                He was giving me my father. He was giving me the moon. Because that is where my fathers heart belonged. He had always felt the pulls of the moon. Saying the moon goddess gave him the greatest gift he could have ever been given. He had prayed to her and was given my mother, me, the twins. He would say I was a gift of the gods. It was why we would stay on the roof for hours at night watching the stars and moon. Feeling the warmth of the moon. Jamie remembered. I gave him a straightened and silent smile and nod. Unable to give him the thanks he needed, the thanks he deserved. I walked over to the middle of the roof and laid down and just stared up to the moon. The warmth and light surrounding me. Loving me. I could feel my father with me. I could feel his warmth. His smile. I could feel his peace. I was shocked when I could feel his touch on my hand. Holding it. I turned and looked at my hand expecting to see him there.

                He wasn’t though. But I knew I felt him. I believed in the after. And I know I have been seeing him and mom and hearing his voice along with hers. So I chose to believe he really was laying down right next to me. Because I knew he was. I was sure of it. “Mind if I lay down next to you for a bit?” his voice snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked at him and gave him a nod in agreement. he came over and laid next to me on the opposite side of where I was feeling my father. “Jamie…” I said with a hint off sadness. “hmm?” I took his hand and stared at his face for a moment. So much was going on in his eyes and I could feel his emotions. He felt sad, happy and unsure. Why though? I could always feel his emotions, I could feel everyone’s emotions. It was why people could never lie to me. A human lie detector. I was not going to push him though. I could tell he knew I could sense his emotions. So I opted for a thank you. “Jamie, thank you. Thank you for bringing me up here. It truly means the world to me.”        

                “You deserve the world Amara. You have always been so strong and even since you have woken up… you have taken everything so well. Better than we all hoped for. I was not there when your father passed and I left you. Trust me when I say that I understand how that feeling feels. And I understand that feeling was amplified for you. I am so very sorry for that. You did nothing wrong. Tonight when you hung up on me. I knew I needed to go to you. I needed to be there for you like I should have back then. Lillie had told me you stopped going on the roof the day he passed away. I know what being up here means to you. What the moon means to you. So when I knew you were thinking of him in your room again and the way you watched the moon as I walked in your room… I knew I needed to bring you up here…” he ended with a whisper. I just laid there looking at him with so much swirling around in my head and heart. I turned to look up at the moon feeling the tears fall down my face again.

                Why now? Why does he want to be here now? For a year I begged and made a fool of my self in texts and voicemails. And here he is running to me even when I hung up on him. Holding me cry till I fall asleep. Even when I did fall asleep he brought me up into the chair with him and let me stay asleep on him as he fell asleep. Then he bring me up here so I could be close to my father, to the moon. He has Ally why would he ever be there for me like this. He loves me like a sister. He isn’t in love with me. “Mari…” I snapped my head to face him. His eyes were locked with mine. His emotions were all over the place. I could feel his pull. Like a moth drawn to a flame. He looked at war with himself until finally, his lips were on mine.

                I everything around us spun around, the warmth around us now burning in flames of emotions. Longing, love, lust, sorrow, passion. I was shocked for a moment but soon I relax and kissed him back. Loving the feeling of the fire around us. His hands pulling me closer to him as one stayed on my waist and the other coming up to hold my neck and face. The fire and warmth soothing around his touch. He nibbled at my bottom lip seeking entrance into my mouth. I was so lost in the moment that I opened my mouth and let him in. He deepened the kiss only causing the flames to burn higher around us. No thoughts swimming around in my head just the flames. Until a stab into my heart pierced through the fog and fire around my mind. And I pulled away from him. Standing up, holding my lips… Jamie got up and tried to reach for me. Regret and sorrow in his eyes and emotions. I was starting to feel so much. Not just his emotions, but someone else’s emotions. I could not understand the feelings around me. Swarming in and out of me.

                “Amara… please look at me. Do not pull away. Please I am sorry.” He begged trying to reach out and grab me. I snapped my eyes from the ground and to him. Trying to read his eyes and feel his emotions but anger was building in me and it wasn’t his or mine. “…Ally…” I felt this burst from inside me pushing and punching out of me. Until I felt my arms open releasing the anger and the empty consuming me in that moment.