Make an Effort

Chapter 9: Therapy

August’s house had become like a second home for Hazel. She spent as much time there as she did at her actual house. She had even spent nights on August’s bedroom floor, wrapped in blankets that smelt like him. She even spent time alone with his mum, they would talk about what she wanted to do next year and what August was like as a child.

It was hard not to let it slip that she knew what he had been through as a child but knew it was for the best. He needed to tell his mum when he was ready.

“Hey mum, we don’t have the right ingredients for tonight’s meal, I have to go to the supermarket,” August called from the kitchen while Hazel got changed into a skirt that her mum had picked out for her. She had to put tights with it, it was too cold to wear it by itself this late in the season.

“Sure Honey, my card is in my handbag,” his mum yelled back from her room across the hall.

“Hazel, you want to come?”

She was about to yell back that she would love to but that he should wait a minute, but she was cut off by Mrs. Collins.

“No, August, I want to talk to Hazel before I go, you go on without her.”

Disappointment radiated through the walls of the house. Hazel wondered what she would want to talk about, she was working that night, so it couldn’t be a long talk.

“But mum…” August huffed in a childish voice. Hazel heard the faint stomp of a foot and giggled into her jumper. That boy could never act his age, could he?

She walked onto the landing, August was there so she spun for him, showing off the skirt as it floated out around her.

“it’s alright Gus, we won’t be long,” she said, patting his shoulder as if to console him. “If you’re not back by the time we’re done, I’ll come out looking for you.”

That made him grin impishly. He said goodbye to his mum with a hug, knowing that she would have left by the time he got back.

“Stay safe,” they said in unison hugging each other so tightly that they merged into one being.

Once he was gone Hazel turned to face Mrs. Collins who had taken a sit on the couch. She heard the gate swing as August left the yard. As if on cue Mrs. Collins busted into tears as though she had been holding them back for far too long. Loud sobs racked her body as her head fell into her hands. She looked so small, alone there on the couch that was meant to seat four. She looked like a child.

“Hazel, Sweetie, come here,” she whispered through her sobbed, fat tears rolling down her face. She held out her arms, waiting for Hazel to embrace her. But Hazel couldn’t move, her feet felt like they had been frozen to the ground.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered, sounding childish, even to her own ears. She was out of her depth; she didn’t know how to comfort people. This was worse than when her sister had cried in front of her, at least than it was someone she knew. Mrs. Collins was an adult, someone who was meant to keep it all together, not fall apart like this.

She couldn’t speak as sobs shook her body, shallow breaths coming in gasps as she tried to calm herself down. Hazel moved forwards, her brain compelling her to comfort the woman who had become her second mother.

“I’m sorry… I’m such a wreck,” she whimpered as hot tears dropped onto Hazel’s shoulder.

“No… no, it’s fine, you’re allowed to cry.” Hazel rubbed circles on her back like she had with August. Trying to calm her down in any way she could.

The leaves on August’s door were a rainbow of different colours; red, yellow, green, orange, brown. Hazel even spotted a purple on, tucked under layers of fresh Autumn leaves. Sher couldn’t help but smile at them. they were a fresh layer, a fresh start.

“I wanted to thank you for helping my boy.”

“No, it’s okay- he helped me more honestly.” Hazel waved her off, blushing.

“You made him feel safe.” She whispered into her neck. “You made him feel safe enough to tell me about what happened to him.”

Her stomach twisted painfully at the sudden realisation of what she was talking about. August’s father. August hadn’t talked about it at all since then, though it was still in the forefront of her mind. Should I have noticed something was off? Doubt swarmed around in her head like bees. Maybe she should have gotten him to open up more. Maybe she should have told him to talk to someone about it more. Maybe she should have-

It didn’t matter in the end; he had told his mother the truth after all these years. And maybe that will help him to heal.

“Hazel, I didn’t know, I just didn’t know,” she said, sounding like she was trying to convince herself of it, as though it wasn’t true. Which it was. It was true that she had no idea what had happened to her son. But in the end, she knew that the man she had married was not the one she should stay with, and that was all August wanted.

“Mrs. Collins, you’re not a bad parent because he didn’t tell you. It was his father that did all of that horrible stuff to him.”

“But I let it happen.” The older woman almost screamed in frustration, shaking her fists in Hazel’s jacket.

“No you didn’t- you left him, you made it safe for August to be himself.” Hazel tried to explain, gently pulling away from

“But what if he’s trans because of what happened to him, he’s been on hormone blockers for so long. What if he just doesn’t want to grow up?”

“Believe me, he’s not doing this because he doesn’t want to grow up, he’s doing this because he wants to be himself.”

It was something August had voiced to her as well the day he had first told her. He had asked her whether he was just mentally ill. That he just thought he was transgender because he didn’t want to be the same person who was sexually assaulted.

Hazel didn’t have the answers; she didn’t know if he was trans or not. That was something he alone could figure out, but if it was a phase like he had suggested, she thought that he would have moved past it by then. But he hadn’t, that had to count for something, didn’t it?

His father had betrayed him, used his body and acted like he had done nothing wrong. From what Hazel could tell it was the mistrust and dislike of physical contact which had become the deepest scars.

“He loves you, you know? He won’t shut up about you,” Mrs. Collins sniffled loudly, not quite meeting her watery gaze.

Why did she make it sound like that was such a bad thing? They made each other happy.

“You won’t hurt him like that monster did, will you?” she was gripping her arms now, holding her in a vice-like grip so that she couldn’t look anywhere else but her puffy, red eyes.

It was a threat, a measure of Hazel’s loyalty. Like how a father might speak to his daughter’s boyfriend. Yes, she’ll be home by eight. Hazel had to admire August’s mother. She was strong, even though her son’s transition and the realisation that her husband wasn’t the man she thought he was.

“No, Mrs. Collins I love him too.” I hate what that sick man did to him. She couldn’t even imagine

“Well, you better protect him, I won’t forgive you if you don’t.”

“Don’t worry Mrs. Collins I’ll look after him.”

Dr. Daniel’s voice drifted through her thoughts; make an effort. Yet there was no need to. Loving August was effortless, like breathing. She didn’t need to think about it or question whether she could because she already did.

Hazel’s hands were sweaty. Thoughts ran through her mind going one hundred kilometers per hour. This is a bad idea. You shouldn’t be doing this. What if everyone hates you? She tuned them out. They weren’t intelligent, rational voices, they were erratic and volatile and she had no time for them.

August squeezed her hand tighter, calming her down. She wouldn’t be doing it alone. Not well he was with her.

Ms. Murphy stood up and the hair on the back of her neck prickled. It was too soon. She wasn’t ready.

But August was standing up beside her, pulling at her arm. Are you ready? His eyes asked.

She stood and felt the blood rush to her face. She had told Ms. Murphy that she just wanted it to be in front of her year- but no- it had to be said in front of the whole school.

They made their way to the front of the assembly hall. August paving the way so she didn’t step on anyone’s hands.

She heard someone mutter that they were so gay, as they walked past, hand in hand. But they weren’t, they were themselves. Not gay. Not straight. Not trans. They were August and Hazel.

“Good afternoon students, we won’t take up much of your time. We have an announcement to make, and no Chris Levi, it is not our engagement.” Some students snickered as a boy that they had passed turned red. He handed her the microphone, stepping back so that she could have center stage.

She held the microphone tightly, hoping that it wouldn’t slip out of her hands. “H-hello, we do have an announcement, and the announcement is that,” she paused not knowing where to begin for a moment, they had rehearsed this speech over and over again but now, standing in front of the entire school, her mind went blank.

She remembered how Mr. Thatch had asked her if she felt like Viola. She remembered Dr. Daniels asking about her ‘gender thing’. Months later, there was no question, she would not try and hide from it. She would embrace it.

“You know me as Ethan but I’m not Ethan, I’m Hazel.” She took a deep breath, calming her heart down as it tried to burst through her chest. She was Hazel. “I’m transgender and from now on I will be wearing a female uniform because it makes me feel more comfortable; because it’s the correct uniform for me to wear. I’m a girl, and I always have been. If you have any questions about it, please just come up and ask me. I don’t want any trouble I just want to be myself.” And now I can be.

A weight on her chest, a weight that she didn’t even know she had been carrying for her entire life suddenly lifted from her shoulders. No wonder they were so broad. She felt like she could run a marathon or float up into the atmosphere.

She handed the mic back to August for him to say his piece. He was smiling at her, a genuine smile that not only reached his eyes but enveloped his whole face with its radiance. She loved that smile, it was infectious and didn’t care that she could hear whispering in the crowded hall. Because she was Hazel, to everyone now, not just him.

“My name is August and I am also transgender which, if you don’t know, means that I am a boy that was born a girl. My announcement is that we want to start an LGBT group in the school community were anyone can come and hang out in a safe space, no matter your orientation or your age, or even if you’re questioning. We’ll help you out.” Of the closet, it said in his notes but even he had said it was too on the nose.

Excitement bubbled up in her chest. She wasn’t quite sure if it was because she had finally come out to her school or because of their group they had created. It was something they had been talking to Ms. Murphy for weeks now it was finally ready. They just needed members.

August knew that they were out there, he had said that if there were two trans kids in one year than there should be fifty gay kids in every other year. Hazel wasn’t sure if his math was correct but she didn’t pull him up on it.

“That went well.” He said as they walked back to their seats. Hazel wanted to tell him that they had no idea whether that went well yet. There were too many teachers around to really know. The yard was where they would really know whether they’d ruined everything or not.

Hazel looked around at all the students, they all knew who she was now, the real her, not same boy who never looked right.

Whenever Hazel looked at old school pictures she never saw herself, she saw an unhappy boyish girl who never looked happy in the clothes that they wore. Now she was in that uniform for the last time.

She had gone with her sister to buy her new uniform. She had been honest and told her she would have to learn to sow if she ever wanted clothes that fit her. But Hazel was okay with that, she was just happy Taylor was talking to her.

After assembly, the students ran towards the exits in an uncoordinated swarmed. August stayed behind to talk to Ms. Murphy, not letting go of Hazel’s hand. She congratulated them on their bravery, as did the other teachers who had stayed behind. Hazel thanks them, not every school would let her do that. They deserved to be thanked.

On their way back to the lockers a girl walked up to them, a stake of books in her arms. Hazel was sure they were in the same English class. Hazel was ready for her to say all kinds of horrible things. August squeezed her hand; a wordless promise that he would stand with her if people began to lash out. They were connected; two bodies, one mind.

“I kind of knew you were a girl,” she said, flicking her golden hair over her shoulder. “I saw you two down the street once, you were wearing a dress. I like your hair, by the way, it’ll look great when you grow it out.”

Hazel wasn’t quite sure how to respond; it was the first time she had been complimented by someone she had never even talked to before. An odd sensation ran down her spine, like an electric current. It felt good.

“Err, thanks?” Her voice pitched and it came out like a question, though she didn’t mean it to.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see August grinning at her.

“What’s your name?”

“Katie, we have some classes together.” Out of the corner of her eye, Hazel could see the smile drop from August’s face like he’d smelt something disgusting. “Yeah, so anyway, if you wanted to come shopping with me and a few friends, let us know, okay?”

“Okay.” She stood frozen, she didn’t even know this girl’s name and she was asking if she wanted to be her friend? Hazel wondered whether she was asleep and that it was all some crazy dream she was having.

It felt to Hazel as if the entire year had been a dream. Or maybe she had actually died and her future she could have had was flashing in front of her eyes tauntingly, unreachable after she had cut it too short.

Ha, cut. At least her sense of humour remained as sardonic as ever.

But she wasn’t dead and no matter how hard she pinched she would not wake up.

“Wait, I’m sorry, hold on; you were one of the girls who talked about Hazel behind her back, you were the ones that thought she should have finished the job.” August accused, pointed a finger at the girl’s large chest.

She looked abashed, pulling on the sleeves of her jumper as to not look them in the eyes.

“August, it doesn’t matter, everyone talked about me behind my back.” She couldn’t help but tug at the sleeves of her jumper, stretching the fabric over her hands. She couldn’t help but notice that she had copied the girl’s ashamed movements.

Everyone had talked behind her back, even the people she used to sit with. It was just something that happened, she wasn’t going to hold it against them but she also wasn’t planning on becoming close friends with any of them any time soon.

“That doesn’t make it okay though.”

“No it doesn’t, we said horrible things about you, it was a shitty thing to do.” The girl sneered at the ground as if it were a reflective pool.

“But you still did it.” August hissed, making to step between them as if he wanted to protect Hazel from the girl’s presence.

“I’m sorry Hazel, I was a b***h to you- about you.” The girl said grabbing up her hands from around August’s body and squeezing them tightly.

“That’s okay, I don’t hate you, but I don’t think I’ll hang out with you, either. See you in English.” Hazel said, removing her hands from her grip. Maybe someday, when all of the scars had healed; but not that day.

“It’s not worth worrying about Hazel, shitheads are everywhere,” August said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in, keeping her safe.

“Parents and peers alike,” she muttered as she rested her chin on his shoulder.

“Exactly, but we’re proving that we’re stronger than them by moving on- without them.” August declared, his voice audibly tightening at the mention of his father.

They walked back towards the lockers. Ignoring the younger students stare at them as they walked past.

“Would have been nice to go shopping with her though,” she sighed wistfully, let her head fall onto his.

“If you want someone to go shopping with you, why not ask Molly or Ari. They would go with you if you don’t want to go with me.” He said, pouting at her as though she had offended him.

“I’m not saying that I don’t like shopping with you, I’m saying no one has ever asked me to go shopping with them before. It would have been a good experience.”

Hazel hoped she hadn’t offended him as she danced around what she really meant. She had never been asked to shop with other girls and the very idea made her entire body buzz with euphoria. It didn’t mean she loved hanging out with him any less- she just wanted to be a part of a group that had been out of her reach of the past seventeen years.

“I don’t know about that; she probably would have told all of her friends your dress size or something. Girls like that are bitchy. I’ve heard her and her friends talk about you, they say the most horrible shit.” August shrugged, not showing if he was hurt by her comments or not.

“Why would it be bad if they knew my dress size?” She frowned, wondering why something so inconsequential would be used as gossip.

“Oh, my sweet summer child- those cis bitches would probably call you fat because ‘anyone more than a size 14 is fat’.” Sarcasm dripped from his voice as he rolled his eyes in disgusted. Hazel didn’t even know what a size 14 was.

For a moment a frown creased Hazel’s face as a wave of confusion hit her. She was unsure of what ‘cis’ meant. She had heard it before but had to run it through her mind over and over again to realise that she had heard many trans people on the internet use it. From what she understood, it was a nicer way of saying ‘normal’ non-trans people.

“They need to find something more constructive to do with their time.” Hazel thought aloud causing August to laugh hysterically.

“Yes, yes they do.” He agreed, wiping away invisible tears

“Good thing I have you to guard me from horrible s**t then.”

Their hands intertwined with one another. Hazel could wait to be asked by a girl who wasn’t going to b***h about her behind her back. At that moment she was happy just being with someone who loved her for her.

“Yes, it is.”

“I started therapy this week,” August said curling his fingers around tufts of grass as he stared at nothing.

Hazel gave a huff of acknowledgment as she lay in the grass beside him, kicking her feet against the side of the music rooms. Hazel wondered how long it would take him to open up to someone that he didn’t know that well, after all, it had taken a whole decade for him to tell his own mother what had happened. A part of her even wondered if there would be any point in it considering his mistrust of people.

“How did it go?”

“Okay… I never told you why I got pissed off at you when we first met, did I?”

It was clear that, even though he had brought it up, he still wasn’t ready to talk about it. Hazel could understand that. She had hated it whenever her mother had tried to probe her about what she talked about. Hazel was able to understand when August wanted to talk about something but still needed to gather up the courage to dive head first into it.

“I just thought it was because you wanted to help me, and I wouldn’t let you,” Hazel said, thinking back to that day. Their fight seemed so inconsequential; she wasn’t sure what they had been fighting over. All she knew was that the fall out was almost too much for her to bare.

“Do you really think that I’m that petty, that I wouldn’t talk to you because you would let me help you?” He scoffed loudly, a smile softening his features.

“I didn’t know you from a bar of soap, Gus. You could have been ‘that petty’.” She brought her hands up to make quotation marks, smirking at him as his eyes drifted her way.

“Well that is not the reason,” his eyes shifted back up towards the grey sky. It hadn’t rained, despite the sky’s threats.

“So why didn’t you talk to me for like two weeks then?” She asked pointedly, remembering how he had turned his nose up at her like a child to vegetables.

“Because… because I liked you, not like liked you but I thought you were really cool. I’ve never gotten that close to someone so quickly before, I even told you I was trans- I’ve never done that before! It scared me… you know? I didn’t know what I was doing, I thought it might backfire.” August’s face flushed red with embarrassment.

“I get it- you have trust issues, it’s reasonable after what you’ve been through. I just hope that going to therapy helps you become more okay with that.” Hazel waved her arms around vaguely, trying to catch a golden leaf as it fluttered down from the trees above.

“Is therapy helping you?”

“Not as much as you are.” It was true, she wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for him. He was her saviour. And she was his.

“Oh, come on, that’s not true; you’re just saying that.” He laughed, batting away her arms.

Why would I lie to you? She couldn’t help but notice how his laughter made butterflies of joy flutter around inside her chest. His happiness made her euphoric as though she could step off a building and begin to fly.

“No, I’m really not, the first time we met was the first time I talked to someone who wasn’t a doctor about myself. You made me feel… myself.”

“And I pushed you away, I told you to f**k off.”

“You wouldn’t be the first.”

“That’s not the point Hazel, I treated you like shit.”

“So did everyone else.”

“I meant more to you than everyone else. Stop trying to make excuses for me, I don’t need it. I need you to be honest. How did it make you feel?”

Something inside Hazel moved, something that had been locked away, hidden, even from herself. She didn’t want to remember; she didn’t want to go back. She was so happy the way she was, sitting in the long grass with August beside her. But the question prompted so many things that had been tucked away.

“I wanted to die. I promised everyone I wouldn’t but I came so f*****g close. You shouldn’t have meant that must to me but you did. You didn’t even look at me most days; it was like I wasn’t even there.”

Leaves floated down around them, falling onto them like the thick blanket of silence that had enveloped them. Bile rose in her throat, leaving her month tasting sour. She didn’t want this, it was too heavy, too hard to remember. They were happy now. She just wanted them to forget about the whole thing and move on.

“I’m sorry,” the words floated on the wind, and her ears strained to hear them and all that they meant. “I never meant to do that to you. I love you, Hazel.”