To Be Loved By You

BETTY'S POV I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder which jolted me back to reality. "What do you think of she said" I had to look around to be sure of what had happened. My friend had signed me up to a group counselling session in order to cope and move on. It's been two years since Ben, my fiancè, had died and yet my friend and family had said I hadn't been the same since then. Olivia, my friend, had taken it upon herself to sign me up for group counselling since I had refused to go for personal ones. Well, even if I wanted to go, I could not afford it. This group she had signed me up for had been free. I had attended inorder to make her happy and prevent her constant nagging about moving on. I had forced myself to come to the session but as people were lamenting their woes, my mind had wandered off. "errm…" I looked up at the participants and tried to see if I actually heard anything, when I could not give a response, I gave up. " I don't know" I responded Everyone looked at me disappointedly and I could see it in their facial expressions but the leader, noticing the atmosphere, moved onto the next person and soon, we rounded up the session. After the session, everyone was greeting each other but I had none so I walked up to my car. As I wanted to get into the car, the leader came up to me asking to talk to me. "Beth, can I have a minute" she requested She then went on to admonish me about how hard moving on was and how I should open my heart to receive people. "I know it's difficult but you can always reach out to me for help. I know it is not easy dealing with grief" I knew she meant well but no matter how hard I tried to let people see that I was doing fine, they don't believe me. "Thank you for your understanding" I replied her with a smile. Pat, the leader of the counselling group is a nice woman and I know she meant well. She gave me a hug and bid me goodbye as I started my car to drive off. The car had been the only thing to remember Ben with, it's an old truck which he had been using while he was alive, he treasured it. He said it was gifted to him by his father. After his death, his parents let me have it when they came to take his things. They had taken all his things when they came to pack his stuffs but as they were going, his dad handed me the car key "Ben would have wanted you to have it" he said quietly while handing the car key to me. Whether it was out of guilt for blaming me for the loss of their son, I don't know but that was the last time I had seen them. Ben had died two weeks before our wedding. Everything had been perfect before that, we had gotten our wedding dresses ready, the location had been set and ready. It was on a random day, I had gone to get some of the things we would need for the wedding when I got the devastating call. I got home, parked my car and as I proceed to unlock my door, some bills notifications fell down. I had a lot of bills to pay, even my rent will soon be due and I have no money to pay and nowhere else to go. If I go to crash at Olivia's place, she will nag me non-stop to go out and I will receive a long lecture on how I should get over Ben. My sister's place is an option but don't want to go there, the awkwardness will kill me. I am a writer, not the best selling writer but a struggling one. I have only had a near successful book but that was that, all the books I had written had made me nothing. A lot of my drafts have been rejected by publishing companies but Sam, my manager keeps pushing and looking for ways to secure deals for me. I had been told that I project my life into my books. The publisher had said my book was too serious and sad. " Give me something happy, an happy ending story to soothe the readers" The publisher had requested "The readers should also know that life isn't some fantasy" I had tried to argue but she dismissed me. I had gone back to write something happy but maybe because my life has never had an happy moment, all I had come up with then was rejected. Ben had always been the one to encourage me despite my rejections. "One day they will come to accept your kind of story" he will always say When he had died, my heart was broken to pieces, I tried writing to forget the pain but when I presented my drafts, my editor said the story was too sad. The time my life started taking a drastic event was when my mom died when I was in high school, she was my confidante and friend. I was so close to my mother that I told her everything in my life. I was not really close to my father, he and my sister had the same bond that I shared with my mother. Until, she got cancer and died. The year she died was the worst year in my life. I had gone to visit her at the hospital after school, when I had been told that she was dead. Sometimes, I think my life mirrors that of my mom. My mom was never really happy when she was alive. She was an orphan and she had met my dad when she was young. She had always told me that if she matured a bit, she wouldn't end up with my father as he didn't love her enough. My father was the only one who was nice to her, so she had held on to the little affection. Even when my mom died I was the only one to witness it then. My phone rang. It was Olivia. I knew she wanted to ask me about today's counseling sessions. "Hey girl" her joyous voice asked. I have always wondered how she has remained cheerful but then good things always happened to her. "Hi" "Okay, so tell me about today?" She asked, excited to hear the details. "Nothing much" "Oh please, don't tell me you didn't go?...you know you just…" I knew where she was going with this and I just have to cut her off. "Errm..I have to go, I have a deadline to meet. Olivia had been my friend since college, I don't know why she became my friend because we are two completely different people. She is always this bubbly and super excited person while I would rather stay quiet. But either way we became friends. I know she meant well for me but I don't think I am ready to face the world yet. She knew how I had broken down when Ben had died and she just wants me to be happy and move on but I am scared. Just when I start to move on from a bad event in my life, another one hits.