The other side of him

Rollercoaster

Everything was happening so fast. My mom called she had dream I was with child and I wanted to call my best friend. Then I paused f**k what if she told my ex? I can't be stressed especially with this baby growing. It would be bad for my health and baby's I be damned if I lose this baby inside me. I deserve to be another right? I paused. No maybe I am not. I am numb how can a mom like me provide my kid the love he or she deserves. Maybe I can force myself to hug and kiss. I can't love? I just know what to do what I wanted done with me when I grew up.  I can't give them up. I won't abandon my child. I felt greedy and selfish. Maybe I ain't a good mother?  How can I be a good mother who can't feel? I felt so alone. I wasn't alone but, I really have family to offer my child my family was so f****d up.  My biological just have a feud going on. My adopted disowned me. I just had my mom and grandpa/ step dad.  Nothing new I sighed. 

December can't come slower. I wake up puking and it's a habit. I eat something the baby didn't like I puked it up. No coffee. God this baby going to kill me. I scold my baby and laugh cause I don't know if he or she heard me.  I  just wanted parfaits and jalapeno pepper burger.  I couldn't eat what I wanted. It was frustrating. Tea was a no. I puked it up. I somehow was gaining weight which was funny cause I don't gain weight due to my fast metabolism. This metal taste in my mouth oh f**k. I swear my child got me wrapped around her or his finger.  I looked a mess. 

This stranger my friend is so nice. I smile and his family took me in. I felt like I belonged. Maybe I met my angel. Maybe he is the answer to all my problems. Maybe he really does loves me. I loved the time I spent with him. He even got me into nascar. Yes I chuckle. That sport with watching cars going in circles for laps. I chose 29. Mostly because he was only driver that reminded me of me. He could be last but end up first or top ten. I was back to grinning and I felt wow? Did I say felt? I felt for him. We had s*x still but, I told him to be careful. Maybe he just wants s*x? I prepare myself for him to hurt me. He doesn't. I smile maybe he is a true gentleman. I was at awed when he helped his friends.  My heart melted. Wait it can't melt? I don't have a heart.  We had so much in common. He smoked though. I told him to not smoke around me. I didn't kiss him. I felt grossed out cause he smoked. What is worst I started doing the just because gifts. I asked his favorite dessert. Chocolate pie so I made it.  I even look forward to giving him massages. Is this love? Or lust?  Man I am getting soft.