Did I deserve all of this

I heard those words almost every day of my life . I'd normally stay quiet when they ask me that question. honestly, I'd answer those questions in my head most of the time, for example, when my mom asked me, " Cherry, why are you always alone in your room ? " I'd think things like , " You know why, mom ? it's because I'm uncomfortable around you all the time " or " it's because you scream at me all the time " or " it's because you tell me the way I eat , dress , sit , walk, and laugh is ugly " or " it's because I feel like I'm unlovable around you , mom " or " it's because I feel ugly because of you , mom " all in my head . because I knew I didn't have the courage to say that in real life . I didn't have the courage to say " no." I didn't have the courage to express myself anymore . I knew mom never thought of me as a child, and me, being the eldest child among all of my siblings, just made things worse. mom expected me to be able to do things that I couldn't, and that made her hate me, I guess. I was also clumsy and shy because I had low self-esteem , and I was very, very naive as well, so I was easy to manipulate. which my family took advantage of . and so whenever I've done something wrong , I would get asked that one famous question, " Cherry, what is wrong with you," and the funny part is I would actually think about it and question myself.