The Never Ending Quest For Sanity

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 6

There was no shortage of people lining the halls, thinking about the worst possible scenario that was possible but hopefully wouldn’t come true.  It wasn’t a mystery that she had problems, but where they had come from was the biggest mystery of all.  This enigmatic factor was quite daunting.  No one knew what had driven her to the unthinkable and had never known her to be self destructive.  She didn’t even drink or smoke, so they doubted she was a drug user.  

What had caused her to not think clearly?  Clearly there was some issue that had never been brought to light and nothing they knew of that plagued her mind.  Her sister, however, knew exactly what it was and kept mum at all costs.  She was more than a steel trap and was the one who sealed the pit of secrets with an impenetrable, airtight seal.  

This guaranteed that no one would know or have a clue.  Unlike her sister she could show no expression.  This had worried many people who knew that if there was a murder, she would never crack if she had done it.  No one would ever suspect it, honestly.  If the secret about her father’s disappearance leaked to the lips of her sister from the deepest reaches of the back of her mind, there would be rumors as well as stigmas.  People would fear them and, in a way, this was a relief to Trinity, since she wanted to be left alone.  

Was she cold to the afflictions of her closest friends, family and those she knew of but not very well?  Perhaps.  The total abyss of her apathy was as vast as her empathy.  She was soon by her sister’s side and looked as her sister lay in bed, her left arm bandaged from the elbow down and turned to the nurses.

“May I have a moment alone with my sister?”  It was a simple request and was granted as they exited the room, leaving family to spend what could have been their last moments with family.  When the door closed behind the final nurse, she ensured it was locked before she spoke, pulling the curtain to block the view of the outside.  Kari was weak, dazed and didn’t know what to say.  

“Trinity.”  She was pale in the light and gulped.  “I can’t do this anymore.”

“I know you don’t want to but you have to forget the events of that night, never to speak of them again.  Do you understand the consequences of this if you do tell?”  Kari nodded, drained of strength and laid back against the bed completely.  There wasn’t much she could do and they had already begun a blood transfusion.

“I don’t know what to think anymore, Trinity.”

“Suicide is not a way out of this.  You have to remain strong no matter what.  The past has been left behind.  It doesn't matter anymore, Kari.  Is this the only thing that’s on your mind?  Are you and Brad having issues?”

“No, we’re not.  He’s going to kill me when he finds out what I did.”

“You haven’t called him?!”

“Not yet.  I’m too scared of what he’ll think.”

“Kari, he will still love you, you know he will.  He adores you, I can tell.”

“I just messed up my chances at a sleeveless wedding dress.  My arm will be ugly!”  She began to well up with tears.  “Why do I do things that are stupid?”  Trinity held her sister’s hand as she had that night their father disappeared.  She couldn’t grasp back but forced a slight smile in the midst of such turmoil.  Trinity smiled back.

“I love you, Kari.  You’re my sister and always will be special to me.  We have a great bond, you know that.”  She didn’t see tears in Kari’s eyes at this point and was happy that she had somewhat relieved her dark clouds, replacing it with the light from Heaven that had always shone in her soul.  “My sister is a strong woman with a great career.  She is not a trainwreck or a failure.  She has never made a mistake that others haven’t and if she has, it’s been something that she can’t get past.”  

“Thanks, Trinity.”  Kari was starting to feel better and there was a knock at the door.  Trinity unlatched the door and saw the doctor standing at the door, clipboard in hand.  He stood beside the bed, examining her arm and showed no emotion on the outside.  This was typical of this particular doctor, who was a shining example of someone who didn’t pre-diagnose until he had all the facts.  After a few moments of reviewing her file, he clicked his pen and returned it to his pocket.

“Kari?  I’m Dr. Tran.  You are here for what reason?”  He sat by her bedside on a chair he had snatched from the wall.  It was a very difficult question for Kari to answer and she knew that there would be consequences to this act she had performed.  She didn’t know the extent but hoped it would be light.  She doubted her sister would be much help, the mental health professionals were unrelenting and had no free passes they issued for those who had committed such acts they viewed as deplorable and desperate.

“I just...I don’t know.  It’s all just a blur, honestly.”  Dr. Tran nodded and took a deep breath, exhaling loudly.

“You blacked out, true?  Do you have a history of doing this?”

“No, I honestly don't.  I’ve never done this before.”

“Do you have feelings that are...hard to deal with?  Are you afraid of something?  Surely there’s a reason behind this act.”

“I honestly don’t know.”  Kari was not sure what to say at this point because she was unsure what the doctor was trying to say.  This was what scared her the most, almost as though she were going to be sentenced to a personal prison in the state run hospital.

“Kari, we would like to help you, but you have to be honest with us, ok?  How honest you are with us determines what we decide is best.  Does that sound fair?”  Kari nodded.  Trinity didn’t know what was going to happen, either.  Dr. Tran was famous for getting inside the heads of people, his perception infallible, almost perfect.  “Now, tell me everything that is on your mind.  You must not leave anything out of the equation.  Is that fair?”  Kari nodded.  

“I just want to get out of here, doctor.”  She hoped that her request would be granted but was doubtful it would.  She was sure those were the words of all who came through these halls, filled these rooms and were completely desperate to escape consequences of their actions.  The reality was harsh in these matters--it never was granted.

“I understand that.”  The answer left a wide margin of doubt that he would consider it, let alone grant it.  This was a very uncertain time in her life, this avenue an unfamiliar stretch of road in life.  No doubt this road was poorly maintained and the potholes would be hidden under the cover of darkness.  “However, it’s not up to me, you do understand that, correct?”  She nodded and Dr. Tran patted her shoulder.  “Just relax, everything will be ok.”  He turned to walk away and the door shut behind him.  Trinity returned to her sister’s side.

“No matter what,  you’ll be ok, Kari.”  She sighed.  “There isn’t anything else you can do now except to relax.  Don’t worry about anything right now, it’s not worth it.”  She nodded.  “I’ll take care of you as much as I can but I can only do so much.  The rest is up to them.”

“You’re a social worker, surely you can do something!”  She was adamant in her demands.  Trinity was afraid for her sister, never seeing her in such a state before.  It was almost tear jerking but she kept her composure.  She had to for the sake of her position and they knew she was conflicted between the right thing to do and allegiance to her sister.  Sure, she wanted to give her sister her wishes but didn’t know if she could separate the relationship with her sister and the title she had with the state.  After all, she had the power to keep people out of the asylum and in the general public.  At this point, all her training meant nothing in the face of her sister’s misery and conflict.  This situation was foreign to her and she felt herself break mentally.

“Mrs. Oliver?  Can I have a word with you?”  A woman requested and Trinity nodded, holding up her index finger in a ‘wait a moment’ motion that promised she would return soon and stepped away.

The monitors beeped and the blood transfusion was ¾  over.  She was fearful of the verdict of Trinity’s supervisor, unsure what would happen next.  Every passing second felt like an eternity full of suffering and uncertainty.  She was truly plagued with the torture of the unknown.  Trinity had never let her down in the past and wouldn’t start now.  

Where was Brad, though?  Had he given up?  Was there hope for them still?  Her insecurity was mounting up inside, causing anxiety.  This was an emotion she wasn’t familiar with and her monitor began to beep frantically, prompting alert nurses at the station to rush to her aide, unsure of what had happened.  Soon, the culprit was identified and medication administered that slowed the panic Kari was experiencing.

“I know she’s had a rough time, but she’s level headed.  I mean, come on, haven’t you ever had thoughts?  Ever?  Maybe you’re too perfect for it.”  Trinity was angry at her boss’s suggestion to commit Kari.  Having worked for Ms. Gomez for 5 years, she had always gone above and beyond what she was required which had gained her favor.

“Trinity, I know she’s your sister.  Maybe it was a bad idea to send you on this particular case--”

“There are no bad ideas, Larissa, especially when it comes to family.  I don’t know of a better idea, honestly.  I know it appears I’m biased but I know my sister.  If you looked at her medical records, she has not once done this.  There’s no denying that this is desperate, yeah, but she has no history of this.”  She sighed and awaited Larissa’s reply.  It was silent for a moment while she thought.  Reaching in her pocket, she held a crumpled pack of cigarettes in her hand and Trinity followed her outside.  

As they smoked a cigarette, which was how Larissa operated in her thought process, this signaled one step closer to a decision.  There was a very unpredictable tone to her actions, as it was difficult to know the outcome of her thought process.  She knew that there were signs that people displayed, like in a game of poker, that were silent words.  They spoke volumes to those around them.

Actions:  the silent, effective communicator.

As they came to the last few drags, Larissa began to nod, which signaled a possible decision.  This was a different situation than she usually had to undertake.  There was no contesting the final decision that Larissa would lock into the paperwork.  

Signed, sealed and done.

“Ok, Trinity, I thought about it, as you know.”  She extinguished her cigarette in the ashtray that was in the middle of the table where they sat.  This was the usual spot that they would retreat to think, the pressure doubled today.  “I want to have your word that she will get help from Dr. Ambrosov.  You do know him, correct?”  She lit another cigarette, only chain smoking when the situation was extra delicate, as this was.  Trinity shrugged and lit another one as well.

“I have heard of him, but I’m not familiar with how effective he is.  I can’t really say I trust someone whose track record of which I have no knowledge.”  She took a thoughtful, long drag and Larissa exhaled the smoke from her cigarette.

“He’s one of the best.  He has helped many clients and takes on the most delicate of all cases that the others won’t even touch, due to the qualifications being, well, insufficient.”  She thought for a moment, as though she were on record in court.  “His record is quite immaculate.  Occasionally he loses a client to their demons but all in all he’s one of the best.  He has helped more people recover than those who have lost themselves in the sea of despair.”  Her poetic description was appealing and Trinity was more than impressed.

“You make him sound like he’s a miracle worker.”  She took another drag.  Larissa smiled.

“He is.”  

They sat for a while and upon finishing their cigarette, re-entered the hospital, Trinity was relieved that there was a decision reached that she could tell Kari that would brighten her day.  It was, hopefully, a solution that she could live with.  After all, her sister had always been her priority since her mother’s passing a few years ago.  They were orphans at that point and knew that they had to take care of each other.  They had no other family near and were closer than ever.  After all, the bond of sisters is a special union that cannot be broken, no matter what.  There was a need to take care of Kari and Trinity had honored the vow to watch after her sister that she made so long ago upon the death of their mother when they were faced with the reality that they were on their own.

As Trinity prepared to tell her the good news, she stopped suddenly at the threshold of the door, her attention was drawn to someone calling her name.  She recognized the voice immediately as Brad’s and turned to see a highly worried finance approach.

“Is she ok?”  He was in a panic and winded from rushing to the room from the elevator.  “I need to know.”

“She’s going to be ok, Brad, she’s in good hands.”  Trinity checked her phone as it notified her of a text, the sound of what sounded like a melody on a xylophone turning her attention to the message that was simply an alert that she had a new email.  She pocketed the phone and sighed.  “I managed to save her from being committed.”

“You’re a saint!  I’m so happy to hear that!”  He was disturbed at the thought of his fiance turning to such an act, not knowing about their father’s fate, thinking it was her mother’s death that had driven her over the edge.  The truth was that there was still a vivid memory in her mind of the screams that had erupted.  She was very fond of her father through all of his faults, knowing that no one was perfect.  However, her allegiance to her mother was a stronger force of which she had to cling, knowing that what had happened was only right.  However, she had turned to something that she didn’t believe in nor did she approve of such a method.

“I do what I can.  After all, she is my sister.  I need to take care of her and we need each other.  I’m sure you understand how special she is.”

“I completely understand, I feel the same.  These past few years have shown me just how special she really is.  I can’t imagine a life without her.”

“She has that effect on people.”  She glanced at the room and then excused herself.  She entered and Kari was barely conscious, the anxiety medication taking full effect.  While she was still conscious and able to understand what was happening around her, Trinity delivered the good news.

“What did they say?”  Kari was more drowsy than Trinity suspected, her words slurred.

“You’re not going to the asylum.”  Kari smiled, more alert now.  “It was easy to dodge that bullet.”

“You’re the best!”  Trinity walked toward her sister, careful not to hit the wires or tubes and they embraced.  Kari began to sob and Trinity comforted her the best she could.  It was a sob of happiness, the tears pouring from her eyes as she realized how much she was in need of help.  After a while, they released the embrace, which seemed to last for quite a while.  Kari wiped her eyes and Trinity made her way to the door, sliding it across and motioning for Brad to enter.  He didn’t waste time and immediately entered to be by his future bride’s side.

“Brad! Oh God, you shouldn’t see me like this.”  She was embarrassed and Brad, though hurt by seeing her in this state of being, still loved her and saw her no differently.  In the face of such an act, he was reminded how much he truly loved her.  Depression had its devastating effects, the journey often leading to an act such as this, but not always.  The stereotype was invented by people who didn’t understand and generalized all the ones who suffered from the ailment as those who would commit suicide in the end or at least attempt.  He was determined to take care of her now, more so than ever.

“It’s ok, Kari.  I’m just glad you’re ok.”

“How did you know where to find me?”  He found a chair and pulled it forward to her bedside, planted by her side for as long as she needed him.

“I was going to ask if we could go to dinner tonight at the spot we had met for our first date.  Do you remember that?”  She smiled.

“How could I forget?  It was such a nerve racking thing to meet someone you had never seen.  I have to admit, Pam had that special knack to match make in a way that no one else could.  I remember that you were just so handsome in your polo shirt.  I was immediately convinced you were the man I would be with for a very long time.  Now we’re getting married and…”  She began to cry and he held her close.  “Now I can’t even wear that sleeveless wedding dress I wanted to wear!  I don’t know what came over me, I just kind of...snapped.”  He could see that she was drowsy and unable to stay awake.  It wouldn’t be long before she was asleep and a slight smile had crept across her face.  

It was a difficult time in their relationship as well as his worst nightmare.  Having witnessed his friend passing away from the same act, the method was a carbon copy, rendering him completely fearful of her fate and was relieved that they had saved her.  She was all he had left it seemed and would never be the same if she passed.  In time, sure, he would move on with his life but find it difficult to rebuild a broken heart.

Trinity re-entered the room and he turned his attention to her.  She felt empathy for this man who loved her sister with all of his heart.  He was a good man and could not think of another man that was more suitable.  He sighed and Trinity glanced at her sister and then to Brad.

“She needs a lot of TLC after this.  I know I can count on you to do what I would do.”

“She’s my life, how could I turn my back on her?”

“You’d be surprised how many people would.  I just don’t understand how she could have done such a thing.  She was really into the belief that life is sacred and no one should cut their time short.  She was even an advocate for depression and now I know why she was so passionate.  There isn’t any doubt in my mind that she was lost in a sea of vast despair but she’s going to be ok.  We have a therapist that can help her through this.”  She thought for a moment.  “He’s the best, or so they say.  I think time will tell, honestly.”

“That’s a relief.  I don’t know what would happen if I lost her.”

“Neither would I.”  She checked the time and saw it was already 2 PM.  She glanced back at her sister.  “She’ll be ok.  I have to return to the office, I only have an hour to prepare the paperwork for her case.  It’s a hard job but even harder when it’s your family whose fate hangs in the balance.”  She put her hand on Brad’s shoulder.  “Thank you for being there for her.  I know that my mother would be proud that Kari found such a wonderful man.”

“That means a lot.”

Trinity was soon on her way to the office and Brad turned to Kari, who was peacefully asleep.  It was not difficult to see how much he loved her, but it was difficult to read him as well.  He was broken inside but an expert at not showing emotion.  He began to shed a tear and put his head in his hands, sobbing for the first time in a while.  Dr. Ambrosov knocked on the door and entered the room.