The Never Ending Quest For Sanity

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 7

“I’m Dr. Ambrosov, but you can call me Sergey.”  He glanced at Kari and Brad rose to shake his hand.  “This must be Kari.”  He studied her for a moment then turned to Brad.  “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine, honestly I am.  I just worry about her.  I mean, I don’t know what to think.”  Sergey nodded.

“This is a very scary act that someone could commit.  There isn’t a very easy decision to reach.  To die is to hurt the ones you love and who love you.  Then again, sometimes they don’t think.  It’s a hard reality, but honestly, people can recover from these feelings.  I would like to see her twice a week or as often as she can come.  Reviewing her file, I am confident she will eventually recover once we find the root to her problem.  After all, there is always an underlying cause that we can identify and hopefully move forward to a different attitude in which we regain the life that we had prior to the turmoil that dwelt inside of us.”

“I just want her to be ok again.”  

“I know, I can tell you really love this woman.  If you need me as well you can always come to me.”  

“I may accept your offer.”

“Things will be ok again, trust me.”

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It was 5 PM when Sergey returned home.  He was ready to relax and concentrate on something other than work.  It was hard to separate himself from the pressures and memories he had of the day but he had to try harder some days than what he had on other days.  It was no surprise that, after seeing what he saw with Kari lying in bed, helpless and at the mercy of those she didn’t know that were entrusted to care for her, that he was convinced that life was cruel indeed.

What had driven her to such an act, though?  The mystery would be solved the more he dug into her mind for answers she could not give.  The context clues were what reigned supreme in this case and he could often put the elements of the clues together to form a definite truth about what they were going through or had been through.  He was an expert, in a sense, something that was never going to change.  This was a trait he prided himself on, the ability far superior to any other therapist’s around St. Paul.

He soon resolved to soak in a hot tub that had recently been installed.  He had bad posture that caused his muscles to ache at the end of the day.  There was no denying that, due to stress, he was sore in a majority of his body on a daily basis.  This was a burden indeed and a part of his life he was displeased with in general.

He entered the sauna in the back of his house, completely ready to enjoy the full effects of the jets as he thought of how they would massage the right muscles that plagued him with agonizing pain.  Playing a CD of classical music, he moaned as he entered the hot water, which was a comfortable temperature.  The jets were soon activated and he laid back, closing his eyes in ecstasy.  A smile crept across his face and he was soon fully relaxed.  He was living in the lap of luxury and would have it no other way, even if he could.

As he prepared to exit the hot tub, he stopped the music and tied his bathrobe around his muscular body.  Fitness of the body was something he viewed as the most important habit he could have acquired in life.  There was nothing more rewarding than to look and feel good.  His mental fitness was important as well and something that he also kept in check with journaling, a practice of which he was very fond.  He had done so for years and acquired a rather thick collection of entries, many which outlined the daily struggles he faced, the frustrations and the solutions thereof.

It was a routine in the evening to do so and quite often he would do so before he began to drink, keeping a clear mind, which he felt essential to the practice.  He would often call his mother in the evening in Siberia where he was born and lived until moving to America in the 90s as a foreign exchange student.  Since he liked it in America and found it to be different from where he grew up.  He despised it secretly and fell in love with America as well as a girl in his graduating class.  

She was rather attracted to his accent, labeling it as “sexy”.  He was wanted for the first time in his life by a girl he had observed as well, the thought of something beautiful starting with her was his ultimate key to happiness.  He knew this was a very dangerous mindset and was anti-codependency, but couldn’t help the feeling he was experiencing.

A blonde haired girl from Germany and also a foreign exchange student, there was a very strong connection from the beginning.  This would shape his view of happiness more than he realized and eventually he became severely dependent on her, the thought of a life with this goddess of a woman his lifelong pursuit.  To be with her was bliss and to be without her was torment.  After some time, they had dated for a couple of years and were quite serious.  They were both convinced that there was a possibility of forever but he had no time to consider marriage, the focus on his career more than settling down.  Things that were important to him were not necessarily important to this girl who grew weary of waiting, her life not lasting forever and felt as though he was losing interest in her, a feeling that made her angry more than anything else.

One day, after Sergey was returning to his apartment after classes, she waited for him at his door just as she always did.  He smiled as he saw her and could tell she was not happy.  It bothered him as he adored her more than she could imagine.  In fact, she had the wrong idea when it came to things being as they were.  There was no denying there was a storm brewing on the horizon that would capsize the relationship into a sea of regret and failure.  The mark that this would leave on her was far worse than what it would leave on his mind and soul.  Things were about to take a turn for the worst and he prepared himself for the delivery of the bad news, which he was sure would come.

“Please, join me.”  He allowed her to enter first, the apartment in stellar shape.  He was a very clean person who dusted daily.  He was also insanely obsessed with a clean environment, feeling it was essential to his well being.  

“Sergey, I--”

“Please, allow me to make you dinner.”  His attempt to save face as well as the relationship was evident.  At least he was trying and this was noticed by the woman he had shared his life with for the past 2 years.  He had taken care of her more than she knew, which she unknowingly forgot over time.  She was perceptive, but things sometimes slipped her mind, easily forgotten.

“I came here to talk to you about something.  I’m...bothered, honestly.”  She was clearly uncomfortable by what she was about to deliver, the news she knew would devastate him to the core.  After all, she had been the perfect woman in his opinion.

“What’s wrong?”  He was soon beside her, intently listening, his attention on every word she spoke and didn’t speak at the same time.

“I’ve waited 2 years for a promise that we could have a life together.  I mean, is it too much to ask to marry?”  Sergey soon realized he had been foolish in his priorities and this bothered him deeply.  After all, he meant her no harm in life, no matter what her actions would have warranted from anyone else.

“I’ve wanted to, but I have been foolish to focus on the university.  I should have thought about us and I was going to, I--”  He began to think more and would plead with her, trying to state his case in a way that would win her approval.  “Let’s get married right now!  It will be good, I promise--”

“You haven’t thought of this before, I know you haven’t.  If you had you would have suggested earlier than when I said something.”  She took a deep breath and exhaled loudly.  “I love you, Sergey--”

“I love you, too!”

“Listen to me!”  Her words stung and he could feel the frustration in her tone as well as the hurt and anger that accompanied it.  This woman was soon to be broken hearted as well as he would be, left wondering why.  It was his own fault when he thought about it.  There was no way he was able to recover from this type of heart break if he didn’t win her trust that he loved her and would marry her the second she agreed.  She knew it as well and felt it was too late.  “I have to leave you, I can’t be with a man who can’t make the first move.”  She shed a tear and, taking off the necklace he had given her as well as the bracelet, 2 gifts he had given for each year they had been together, and placed them in his hand.  

For a moment, time stood still, the heartbreak as devastating as fine china breaking against the floor.  There was a certain sound that heartbreak made as it shattered the soul of the person who was on the receiving end of rejection.  He felt abandoned, angry, sorrowful and would think about it for many years.  He also would never touch another woman as long as he had breath in his lungs.

She turned and walked away, not able to say more.  Sergey thought for a moment and rose from his seat.  Before she could exit, he grabbed her and kissed her.  For a moment, she was taken in by it but reality hit and she broke the embrace.  He looked at her with longing in his eyes as well as hurt.  She could see the hurt in his eyes and knew he was a good man.  She thought for a moment, bit her bottom lip, and he spoke.

“I love you, don’t you see that?  It would be a pleasure--no, an honor--to marry you and have children.  I beg you, please, come to dinner with me.  I promise you’ll be happier than you are now by the end of the night.”  She was in thought, pondering the possibility to be truly, blissfully happy.  She had quite a past that he was aware of, no secrets between them.  She nodded and he knew that he had temporarily won her heart again.  This was his lucky break and he resolved not to take her for granted again.  He seized this moment, captured the feeling he felt of hopelessness, emptiness...whatever else came with the emotion that rejection brought to a person.  She meant the world to him and he refused to let her get away again or at least consider it.  

The evening was magical and there was no doubt in his mind that he had won her over, changed her mind, and was on his way to a future with the woman he loved.  As they dined, it was almost time for the main course, and not anything the restaurant had on the menu.  As they sat, full from a feast fit to be enjoyed by royalty.  He had waited for this moment for a while and it had come sooner than he thought.  He felt the timing was right as the song they first heard was playing over the restaurant PA, serenading them with memories that flooded their minds, taking them back to the time when they had first dined at this very restaurant.

“Do you remember this song?”  Sergey was a sentimental person at this point.  “I always enjoyed hearing this song, it reminds me of how I felt about you from the beginning.”

“Yes, I do remember it.  I always liked it as well.”  She smiled and they held hands.  She locked eyes with Sergey and felt something on her left ring finger.  She drew her hand away and admired the ring that glistened in the low lighting of the restaurant, which completed a mood that was perfect in her eyes.  Still holding his left hand, he opened it to expose her palm, placed the necklace and bracelet in her hand, and closed it. She was taken by surprise and wiped a tear away.

“Sergey, I don’t know what to say.”  Her expression of shock was completely genuine.  He was relieved but had not heard her say she would marry him.  She began to nod and, looking at him, smiled the largest smile he had seen her display in all the time he knew her.  It wasn’t even a smile she had expressed when they had first noticed each other, but it was close.  The evening was now complete and they were free to plan their future.