Just Cry Out

My name is Bryan. I am now in my early twenties. People see me as someone who seem to be angry at the world. I usually do not socialize, instead, I prefer to be alone most of the time. I also have trust issues with people. People may be quick to judge me, for they do not know my story. Well, previously I was not interested in telling them either. Honestly, I had no interest in people before. But then I realized that I just could not bottle up my feelings. Just thinking about how miserable my life is would make me shed a tear in silence – or do I even shed a tear? Sometimes I feel like all the pain has made me numb, to the point that I no longer know how to cry out my feelings. They say that there is no place like home – it is where you would feel comfort and you could be yourself without the fear of being judged. Well, at least according to some people. But that is not true in my case. The saying has taken a different meaning on me. Well, you may be wondering why I was saying that. So, let me tell you about my story. My father is often talked about as a personification of an ideal father, for he was a responsible and loving one – at least according to other people. But sometimes, I could not help but be sad when I hear such praises for my father, because when we are at home, it is a different story. Yes, in some aspects those people are right – we do not lack support in our material needs. He would ensure that we have everything we need in order for us to excel in school. But what I had long wished for is that I would feel that I have him by my side – I wished I could count on him whenever I wanted to ease the pain I had inside. But what I had is the opposite. At home, I had to live in terror because of my dad’s abusive speech. He would always scream at us when he wanted something. At home, he almost never speaks in a low tone. And so, I had no choice but to be terrified and follow his orders. Furthermore, my dad would always tell me that nothing would happen if I would just entertain my feelings. So, I was practically trained to ignore how I felt. Maybe that was the reason why I had learned to become numb of all the pain. You might be wondering what my mother does about this. Well, my mom has worked overseas for a long time, so she was not able to focus more on raising us. I was just a boy when she worked abroad for the first time. For the rest of my childhood and even into my early adolescence, she was not by my side – physically. And I did not feel her presence either. My family was not an ideal one, indeed. It is not what people think. Even my grandparents are no better. School added more to the misery. Not for bragging but I was an intelligent student. But sadly, that intelligence has become like Achilles’s heel to me. Because of my “strange” intellectual makeup, I was bullied, being called names simply because I was a smart kid. Because of this, I had to live by myself. I trusted no one. I became antisocial. Oftentimes, when I do not have classes, kids at school would see me walking around, alone. I had no other choice but to live by myself and not depend on others. I had to learn to live without the help of other people. I learned to focus on honing my strengths so that I could answer those who were bullying me. Now I realize that I just could not. I realized that I could not just live by myself for the rest of my life. I needed to be with other people to be happy. And so, I started to come out of my shell. Still, members of my family do not understand. They scold me simply because I was seeking “too much attention.” But could I do otherwise? They are not giving me enough attention. So where else would I find the attention that I need? Seeking attention was not good for me either. Because of this, I had troubles, and as anyone would expect, this caused my parents, and even my siblings, to say vile things for me either. I need good people beside me. I desperately do.