My Irate Memoir

CHAPTERS 1. INTRO 2. AFTERNOON 3. NIGHT 4. MORNING 5. NOT AGAIN 6. PLEASURE PAIN 7. RUN FROM GOD 8. NOWHERE TO GO 9. ONLY FATHER 10. TO BE CONTINUED. SETTING The story is set in the narrator's church, house, school, mother's shop, boss's house, and office. THEME THE MAIN THEME OF THE MEMOIR ARE; 1. Theme of self-pleasure The significant theme of this memoir is self-pleasure. Self-pleasure is the act of pleasing oneself in the absence of a partner, while the act is condemned scientifically and biblically. The narrator, even knowing what he's doing is something wrong, yet he still finds himself indulging in the act. 2. Theme of mystery This is a salient theme in my irate memoir. As a mystery is difficult or impossible to understand or explain, the narrator explains the act as a mystery. He doesn't know when it started and also cannot explain when he stop, which makes him think if it's a curse or an act of ignorance. ■INTRO■ It was a blissful afternoon with delightful weather, I was near the window sitting and looking at the wonderful sky as I feel the urge. As I swift away from the window to the bed and grab my pillow, I sighted a shadow, quickly I move away from the bed to the TV, hastily removing the disk before someone sees me. I quickly hide the disk for me not to be caught, as I move to the door. I could sight a leg of a negros, as it turn out to be my brother, who never intend to greet me but to ask me why I'm always closing the door and what that sounded like. ■■■■■■■■ My brother is seen in front of our father's wardrobe, as he brings out a disk to show me. He said 'Brother isn't this a p**n disk, what is my dad using it to do'. I reply innocently by saying 'Did you just know this, I have known, it has been a while'. I feel like something stuck with me, he is always on time, I call him Mr guilty, and he never let me rest since I was. milking, hmm, like I remember those days. ********************** It was in the school, me and my colleagues were seen talking about the topic " MASTURBATE ". One of my friend tope said that he did not like p**n not to talk of m**********g, while the other, Korede, is a fan of p**n but hate m**********g and said he prefers to go for a girl. I was just smiling as one of my colleague's shola, said to me 'What about you pastor, you would be acting immature, am sure you are bad ass', one of my friends give him a reply that cool my nerves, cause I almost burst because of Mr guilty, Francis reply shola by saying ' let him be, isn't it good to be holy, holy boy am sure you will keep it up, but you have to stop staring at Funke '. Osunfunke is a girl I love, which I feel I knew from some dimension I couldn't recall.********************** We were on our way home, I and my colleagues were still discussing m**********n. Korede said he have a p**n movie and hide it under the bed where no one would find it immediately I recall that my dad had a p**n film inside his wardrobe. ●●● The intro was something that bothered me, maybe I started the act because of what my friend Said, cause getting home that day I went straight to my dad's wardrobe and take out the film to watch, then I don't know when I drag the pillow and do as the man in the video does to the woman without thinking...wow, I just can't find out when it started. ■AFTERNOON■ It was in a thrilling afternoon at the church, we are almost 100 in number listening to Mamasharp's organised program led by a Mrs I couldn't get her name. She was talking about the effect of m**********g and how it has affected a lot of youths' relationships with GOD and also their relationship with their partners. She also talks about teenagers, at this point, Mr Guilty entered. She said teenagers indulging in the act cannot be successful and further said their future is been led by Satan and a lot of things which I could not recall cause I kept forcing Mr guity out of my dwelling but he won't go. After the end of the lesson, she ask if anyone is indulging in the act, should come out for salvation and shouldn't be shy, but I kept looking at faces and decide not to come out. Maybe that day may have been my salvation day or so but I keep it to myself because the act is like a mystery in the sense that, I feel innocent at the same time felt guilty. This, causing me to the psyche, I can't just understand it, I feel innocent yet, still feel like? crying. ******************** Still, the same me indulging in the act, I quickly clean up my mess, as I remove the disk and hide it as usual. As I feel like doing it again then I ask myself ' does it worth it, why do I have to do this, can I be successful, no I can't, my future is sure not bright ' I kept saying so many things, the urge I couldn't find, Mr guilty immediately move out then I heard a knock on the door and a voice saying ' You still won't stop this '. The voice was so? silent as he moves in. That is my brother, he once caught me doing the act, but he is someone that won't tell, he advised me to stop, thank GOD he cares less. ****************** It was during a monthly program titled Atayese meaning life repairer. I kept praying that GOD to do something, I don't know what to do, all my prayer point was that GOD should help me deal with it. In life, if you want to be successful, you have to work, but mine case is different, I pray to be far from the act yet my phone is filled with p**n, and my mind is on how I will do the next act, I have to plan it well, I must not be caught. I kept thinking how I could be free, I could not find one. Most time lack of faith makes our problems worst, instead of searching for solutions I kept searching for the effect. One of the effects states I won't be able to have good s*x with my partner, others say I would be seeing ladies as nothing, which I think I have been doing, I see girls as a sheet, especially girls that dress naked, so many thinking on my mind, at that moment I only pray to survive. ■NIGHT■ It was 7:00 pm already, I remember my mum said I should come to assist her in her shop. I quickly dress up and go to the shop. Getting to shop my mum was less busy as she was cleaning up the plastic she used to grind pepper for a customer. She looks straight into my eye and asks if nothing is wrong, and then I reply no. I was so shocked at how did she know something is wrong with me. Before coming to the shop, what makes me be up to 7:00 at home, is because of the act. And for why am sad is the fact that the act affect me psychologically and also make my movement slow, I started thinking am I giving to the flesh or it's something not ordinary, thus makes me feel so sad, and thus is not the first time I will think about that and yet still do the same. This makes her ask what's wrong cause she notice am always moody any time I come to the shop, which I don't do before, but I kept it from her, even till now. *********************** Not so long after secondary school, I decided to learn handwork, after failing my ssce examination. My learning is like an escape route but also my plan, but failing my exam makes my learning time extend as I plan to live with my boss because of the transport fees and other items. ************************* Getting to my boss's house I have to leave with two girls and a boy, with time the girls become four, thank GOD it's a big house. One day we were discussing m**********n and one of the girls told me that guys doing such acts suppose to be killed, immediately I reply with a yes, it was crazy. Mr guity doesn't show up. You will be wondering why, but it's a wow. After the discussion I went straight into my room, close the door and go down on my knees and pray to GOD thanking him for making me free from m**********g, that day I give the almighty praise and thanks. You will be wondering how, if I tell you this is how I cure it, I lied, I don't know when it stops, it's like GOD answer my prayer, or I have not been doing what used to trigger the urge or something I just don't understand. Not long I went to shower and go to bed... ■MORNING■ I once told you that sometimes we made mistakes because of our lack of faith or something. Instead of searching for prevention, we search for the effect, thus making us slaves to the flesh. I was inside my room when I Pick up my phone and click on Google and search 'the cause, effect and everything I need to know about m**********n', The first result was from the Healthline blog which brings m**********n: Health Benefits, Side effect, Myths, FAQS then I click. After scrolling, it brings what's m**********n. m**********n is a common activity, which involves touching the genitals or other sensitive areas of the body for s****l arousal or pleasure. I move further, despite the Myths, there are no physically harmful side effects of m**********n. Sometimes, excessive or compulsory m**********n may be considered harmful or lead to other mental health concerns. Then it get to the benefits, something in me smiled and was glad, while the other was scared and mad I just have to hold my breath and move further. Research and the anecdotal report suggest that s****l stimulation, including stimulation through m**********n, may help me relieve built-up stress, sleep better, boost mood, prevent anxiety and depression, relax, feel pleasure and enjoyment, relieve cramps, release s****l tension, improve self-esteem and have better s*x. I still feel a bit happy, to the extent of me smiling, but when it gets to the side effect and the addiction part, my mood change automatically. m**********n and cancer, I quickly skip that aspect and thank GOD that I have stopped. m**********n and guilt, this is true, cause Mr guity won't let me rest, in life and the dream, I feel dirty and shameful. Then I get to the addiction section and discover. If addicted to m**********n, one may be spending more to masturbate and, skip chores or daily activities, miss work or school, cancel plans with friends or family, and miss important social events. Then I found that next time I have the desire I should go for a run, write a journal, spend time with friends, going for a walk. So I think of how it stopped, maybe because I started writing recently, or maybe I start to talk with friends, or because I do pray a lot these days, so many thoughts keep rushing into my head as I switch off data, drop my phone, go down on my knees and pray, as I go prepare to go to work...I smiled. ■NOT AGAIN ■ It was a blissful AM, I was set to go to the office as my boss sent his maid to come and tell me to be ready to travel with him, on hearing this I quickly go and pack my stuff. After 20 minutes, I was in the parlour when my boss was seen coming with his handbag as I moved toward him, I collect the bag from him with nylon filled with his drugs, and we begin our journey to another state. Getting to the state, everything look so odd, we branch at the office branch and he went straight to his office,15 minutes later he said he is coming, as he left, the office secretary begins to ask me questions, like, are you new, what's your name, she started asking a lot of questions until it gets to a point where she asks me, did I have girlfriend, and I reply I don't do such. We keep gisting as my boss arrives and we head to his house. Getting to the house I was like wow, but I never expect the unexpected until my boss inform me that I will be sleeping alone, he said he have a place to go, I should make sure my phone is switched on and I should be watchful. 4 hours later, I begin to get bored, I have a phone, and I have data which refuses to load on websites like f*******:, the news, etc. And that time I have no music to listen to. Even if there is light, the TV only shows one station which only repeat the news and never entertained. Then a tense moment comes, as I begin to feel the urge, no one to talk to, I can't go outside because I know nobody. Then a thought struck my mind, ask me what's that?.. I open my operating, and type xxnx.com, to my surprise, it opens I was able to download p**n videos and save them. At first, I tell myself I will just use the video to entertain myself, but later on, I begin to feel uneasy, as I drag the chair pillow and begin the act. Thereon I pour and I ask myself why I do this, and I conclude my statement with ' NOT AGAIN '. ■ PLEASURE PAIN ■ Pleasure pain, pleasure-pain, this is the repetitive rhythm in the song am writing, am writing about the acts, and stuck with asking myself a question in the post-chorus saying why do I still indulge in the act, I move further saying I get pleasure yet feel pain after the act. From the first day, I'm always thinking that will I stop? , will it end, what is the real solution, if I get married will I stop, can I even be married, all these thoughts make me down, even if I knew it might or be part of why am not moving further in life I still indulge in it. The interesting but sad part is that I make plans, and after making plans I conclude by saying I knew it won't be successful, I knew I would fail, I knew am wasting my time and it will end up a time waste. If I knew all this then why do I still indulge in it, why, why, why... I'm a singer and also an actor, I registered for a singing competition two years ago, before and after I registered I kept saying, I will not be part and so be it, I'm not among the shortlisted, I start to think wider, is this act the effect or is it just that I can't sing, this act is not just affecting my s*x life and body, but also my thinking and the way I see a thing...but why can't I stop. I notice something about the act, even the act makes me know something hidden about myself. last year when I register for the same contest, I was shortlisted, I begin to think about why I was shortlisted, and then I realise that it was because I don't put my mind to it, this showed that it was not the act that makes me not to be shortlisted last year, it's my believing in the act and the effect of knowing the effect and understanding it, but why do I still indulge in it. Before it starts again, I remember a time, the girl at my boss's house was chatting and they ask me why I don't like girls, not talk about relationships, I don't know what to say cause its not like I don't like love or s*x which I have never experienced or relationships, it just that I don't know. Sometimes I think the m**********n and the whole things I knew about it is the cause but I realise by the answer I gave her when she said, are you m**********g? like she caught me sometimes and I boldly reply, no, who does that, I don't think it's proper but anyways I can't blame them maybe they just want to satisfy their urge and get pleasure... Then I conclude, that I masturbate just because of the pleasure in it which Is called masochism-pleasure pain. ■ RUN FROM GOD ■ ...Run from GOD, I can't run from GOD. I Could recall when I mention this sentence. It was still my irate season, me and my boss were coming from the office, I was so down, my boss ask me what was wrong with me, I reply nothing, but there is more to it. We were at the office since morning working on an engine which gives us a headache, me and the other, with my boss. What makes me down is the fact that I feel that am not doing what I suppose to be doing, I feel like I have been used by my boss, and I felt being taken for granted. If I check my colleague's statuses it bothered me cause I was brilliant and talented but yet am lacking, this is the cause of me being down. After getting down from the car I went straight into my room, I couldn't do anything, I just lie down thinking, the pain is so critical that I was punching the bed yet I can't cry, it was like something is holding it, I then decide to masturbate to ease my self, then I proceed to the toilet in other not to be caught as I begin to masturbate. After am done with it, I feel nothing, no pain no pleasure only an enthusiasm to go do my chore. You will think m**********n is the cause, yes and no, having s*x may ease your stress but the thing is I masturbate not to be stress-free but because I am angry with myself and God because he did not answer my prayers and save me from it, but the main reason is that I believe in the act as a way out and with believe, either you are a sinner or not, you will move the mountain but can an unbeliever believe in believable thing...no and never. That week I masturbate a lot,5 to 10 times daily. Oh, you wonder why I was not happy with GOD, that is part of the effect, masturbate to me is strange at first, I'm born in a Christian family, and I was known in our church, and I thought God should save me but I see no changes. Sometimes I think its spiritual and sometimes I think it's normal but I concluded with both, I thought If I indulge more in it maybe he will come and save me when frustrated, but that is wrong thinking of mine, who can frustrate spirit not to talk of GOD, am weird right? yeah, I'm feeling mad about that. last three months I went to a church after dance and praise, and others, it get to the point to preach, I thought it is normal stuff, and I shouldn't bother but when it get to a point I drop my phone and focus, it touches me, I felt guilty then my mood change. My boss, his wife the girls and the boy notice this but ignore, that because am used to mood swings which I think is part of the effect of m**********g. After getting home I move to GOD and ask for forgiveness, I ask him to forgive me, I told him sorry, and I told him to save me, after that I instantly become holy, the way I talk, move, and my thinking changed, that week was so great, I feel free but after indulging in the act then remember I told GOD that I won't do that again, I was going to do the act as I begin to feel pain, I was down, I feel a heavy guilty, I was like "I have offended God, what can I do, ah, I have no other God, I want to be successful in life, I don't want to disappoint my family, thus really make me down, I decide to fast for three days for God forgiveness, after the fasting I conclude with the sentence " I can't run away from GOD ". ■ NOWHERE TO GO ■ After the sentence I can't run from GOD, I then realise that I'm afraid, I want to be successful yet I indulge in the act, I want to be saved yet I sin against my saviour, it is seen that the act is now becoming an article to write about, even a story. If I want good, why do I do bad, I once think I can't be saved from It, but something In me said that I will make it, another say I can't, another say maybe, another says just watch, I begin to experience something I call strange madness. One day I was thinking broader and I noticed, my unholy friends. Those guys never complain, they enjoy life to its fullest, they rarely feel sad, and they don't pray, fast or believe, then I decided, to run from GOD...The formal was unpurpose but this one is purposely, I decided to run from GOD, I once mention it, and I call it a strange madness, I may be led to think so but ... I run from God meaning, I run from prayer, fasting, listening to preaching, vigil and other, for a month I don't talk to God, I masturbate, living free, living like God doesn't exist, I don't blame myself anymore but at first I blame myself, I was mad but I don't just think I could find a solution but caring less, but, all was in vain, it's getting more and more,masturb become food to me. If I don't masturbate, I will not be happy, I find joy in it, I was wrong for 2 months, but I notice something. Doing that month I don't drink, smoke, or do something I don't do before, for me not to be wrong, this show that something in me knows that I will still come back to God, I will still regret my action, and I will still come begging, then why do I behave that way, why can't I stop. Doing the month I plan to sell my soul, I try to do something big, maybe to offend God or to find joy, but I just don't get it. I click on a website I saw online and filled out a form, I have already decided to sell my soul but after 3 days without a message I was so happy, I was like "thank GOD, why would I sell my soul" This shows that I can't run from GOD, this shows that no matter what I will still run back to him, even if my spoiler makes me believe strongly in him yet I believe in God to be my only way out. I could not recall what brings me back to GOD but I could notice, it's either you are with the devil or with God, for two months I was so happy but as a Christian, I knew it won't last because my happiness it's from the devil and not from God, and as a Christian I want a lasting joy and peace of mind. I think this is what makes me change, I decide to pray, fast even if it's still the same, I just need to believe that he will save me cause I have nowhere to go. ■ONLY FATHER ■ Only father, I mean only God, and why is it only God and what brings that statement? The devil can't save us humans, he only come to destroy, I may have seen sinner living happily but that is just a devil magnet to bring you to him, making you think that they are happy or there are good but that is not true and the fact is that are not happy and are the saddest, I just want everything to come from GOD, my peace, joy, wealth, weakness, strong essence, and fame cause it last but it's not so easy as I find it hard to but I can I just don't get it. The phrase only father come when I meet a man online who told me he works for the devil, he told me to send my details and my nakedness, after sending my details remaining my nakedness I come across a singer online who said an upcoming artist shouldn't try to sell their soul, why selling my soul? , that's why I write this down, I believe it's because of the act. With my boss, I feel used then I masturbate, then I think if I could be free, have my own money etc, then I will be free from m**********g. m**********n is part of the reason, cause that is my belief, and me selling my soul is just an excuse for the mistake, so this show that I could be saved from the act and the act just stands as an excuse from my real self, so I blame it. That's why I can't run from it, that's why I can't overcome it...I was so sad to know this, thus bringing my freedom which I don't know how it happened. ■ To be continued ■ Now am free, now I'm saved, but I feel something strange at first, how am I saved? The question I couldn't answer but I can give five reasons why. Firstly is that I realise who can save me, I realise God is the only one that can save me and not Satan, nor man, so if you want to be saved, know who can save you if it's in another aspect like help, know who can help you. Secondly, I realise why I need to be saved, I needed to be successful, I don't want to disappoint my family, and I don't want to be down, so we need to know why we are doing something in other to get motivated, not just in m**********n but in every aspect we found ourself. Thirdly I know the reason I still indulge in it, I knew it to be because of pleasure, which I found elsewhere also I knew it's a way not to blame myself we need to know the reason we indulge in it or else we will remain stagnant. Fourthly I knew am free, I felt changes, this show that some people are saved from something or an act, but don't know they are free, this pushes them back to the act and remains stagnant. The fifth is caution, the caution bring about the strangeness I felt, I was scared, and I can't express myself not until I write a poem titled my irate... Physical and spiritual diverse Physical is seen while spiritual us not Sometimes I indulge in an act Which I never plan to plot My irate started like a dream I can't recall the day it starts I try to recall but all I could see Is a head spin, cells on my mats My irate gave pleasure than pain Short smile then a far cry I don't know why I can't stop Sure I can't or I just don't try Self-pleasure affects me a lot Loving, caring everything is gone My remorseful spirit is lost Am like a beast and not it clone I pray to GOD to be saved Cause I know every bit is wrong I believe am the kind that never changes To change I never bring the belief along Life is based on spiritual and physical I know the act isn't ordinary Cause I never imagine I overcome The act to me now becomes scary I become so conscious of its return Cause it causes me a lot I will never forget the cause That is my irate night begot. After I finish writing the poem I realise that I'm still so very scared, I don't want the act to come back, I hate those times, I then think wider, and I realise that m**********n can either be spiritual or physical, mine, I can't say if it's spiritual or physical, but I feel it's not natural like I said I don't know when I started and don't know when I end it but thank GOD I knew am bond and also that I knew I'm free. I was chatting with one of my office sisters, I told her I need a girlfriend, and she said, "I thought you don't love " And I reply yeah I'm just kidding, this show that m**********n is joined to a cause that makes me decide that I won't marry nor love which I will be writing in my next memoir. I become heavily cautious about every sensitive act I take, as I conclude by saying, "To be continued ".