Autumn Leaves & Pumpkins Please

nineteen | afraid of the way I love you

october 30th

london, england

I BARGED INTO XAVIER'S APARTMENT crying so loud that I was sure the whole apartment complex was able to hear it. I really didn't want to bother Xavier and Heather at all, but I just needed someone and I didn't know where else to go. They both looked up astonished when I got into the room. Although I had a hard time seeing clearly, I saw that Heather looked super pretty with her blonde hair in an updo and the most fancy clothing ever.

            "I'm sorry for interrupting," I cried.

They stood up at the same moment and shook their heads.

            "I'll make some hot chocolate milk." When Heather passed me she gently rubbed the side of my arm as a gesture that everything was going to be fine. I wiped some tears off my cheeks and forced a smile onto my face.

Xavier walked up to me and guided me towards the couch where we sat down. It was clear that he couldn't bear looking at me due to him constantly looking away. He awkwardly pushed a hand through his hair and didn't know how to sit comfortably, so kept shifting.

            "I'm so bad at this..." he mumbled.

            "I'm sorry," I said.

            "Don't be, please." He assembled all his guts, fully turned to me and wiped more tears off my face with his thumb. Then he smiled at me and held my chin. "Do you want to tell me what happened? I'm all ears, love."

I tried to speak up, but the only thing coming out of my mouth was unintelligible stuttering.

            "Is it about Chris?" he carefully asked.

I shook my head.

            "My father and sister."

            "What's with them?"

            "God," I breathed out deeply, "you're going to think that I'm crazy when I tell you this, but-"

            "You're not crazy, Autumn."

            "It- they left my mother and me when I was eleven. They never bothered to contact us ever since and I just ran into them."

Xavier nodded.

            "And the worst part about it is that they still don't care. They don't give a f**k about me. They're my family, but they're treating me as if I'm an old friend they never gave two f***s about."

            "They don't deserve you," he said, "someone so precious, they have no idea what they're missing. And the magic is that you don't want to give them a taste of that, they deserve none of the things you give. If they don't treat you like family, then don't considerer them as family. Don't even call them family. Pity them because they don't have anyone like you in their lives, but don't pity yourself because you're missing a part you think you need, while you really are better off without tossers like them."

Heather put down a cup with chocolate milk decorated with perfectly circulated whipped cream and even chocolate sprinkles on top of the fancy beverage onto the table. She first looked at me and then at Xavier who smiled at her. When she smiled back, I saw the electric connection between them as if there was a golden wire between their hearts, coupling the pair. They really had something special.

            "Thank you," I said to both of them.

            "Such a beautiful woman like you should never cry." Even Heather's voice was bittersweet. I just smiled at her and looked down.

            "Heather's chocolate milk does wonders," Xavier said, "it's definitely worth a taste."

I grabbed the cup and tasted it.

            "That's amazing," I said, "you should open your own hot chocolate café."

            "Oh, please," Heather laughed modestly.

            "No really," I said, "and then you can give mini concerts in your own café. Wouldn't that be super cool?"

            "You're so American, I love it," she gave me a pat on the shoulder and laughed again. Everything about her was so pink, so gentle and sweet as if I was talking to candy. She was that person that never got mad about anything and the one to always cheer you up whenever you needed it. She reminded me of Sadie.

            "Never heard a British person being positive about Americans," I said.

            "Are you feeling a bit better now?" Xavier asked.

            "Yes. You guys are good at cheering me up."

They both laughed. Xavier acted much more fragile when Heather was around as if the walls around him magically disappeared. He must've felt so naked. I wondered why they broke up – they seemed to care about each other too much to just let something so beautiful die because of a long distance relationship. I didn't really know if I felt jealous about them or happy for Xavier. It wasn't important how I felt about it.

            "Well," Heather grabbed her coat and put it on, "I have to leave."

            "Finally," Xavier said sarcastically, "I was getting sick of you."

            "Witty, Xavier, witty," she faked laughed. "It was nice to meet you, Autumn."

            "Maybe we should do it again when I'm not crying," I chuckled.

            "Definitely. Looking forward to that."

            "Enough sentimental hassle, leave already wanker." He playfully pushed her towards the elevator and waited until the doors closed and she was really gone.

Xavier rubbed his face and breathed oud deeply as if he was very relieved. I drank the chocolate milk and grinned at him. When he saw the expression on my face, he groaned.

            "I know what you're about to-"

            "She's very beautiful," I interrupted him.

            "She is," he replied, "but no more about her. You're not going to find out what we discussed and also nothing about our past relationship. Clear?"

            "Very straight to the point."

            "What are we going to eat for dinner? It's getting late," he glanced at the clock and then at me.

            "I don't know."

            "You're the sad girl, so you choose. Pizza? Brilliant choice."

I laughed.

            "Pizza sounds fine."

We spent the night fighting about how many pizza's I wanted, then had a quarrel about what movie we were going to watch and eventually I got to choose it all. He laid down on the couch and yawned loudly to draw my attention. When I didn't respond, he kicked me.

            "Hey," I said.

            "Hi- oh sorry, I wasn't listening. What did you say again?"

            "f**k off, I'm trying to watch the movie."

            "The film is boring. I want to do something fun."

            "I want to do something fun," I repeated him only in the most annoying, typical twelve-year old boy voice. "Such as?"

            "Rob a bank, perhaps."

            "Too illegal."

            "Have s*x then."

            "Too intimate."

            "I can r**e you?"

            "Too illegal and intimate."

            "You're very boring, Winter."

            "I'm just tired, Montgomerwhore."    

Suddenly, he jumped off the couch and went into another room. I was debating whether I should follow him or not, until his head popped up around the corner of the door and he suggested that I should follow him. As curious as I was, I did what he told me and ended up in a room I'd never seen before – there was a grand piano in the middle of it, beautiful curtains by the window and of course was the room filled with candles.

            "What the f**k," I mumbled in trance, "this is honestly so beautiful. The f**k?"

            "This is where I turn into Bruno Mars." Xavier sat down behind the piano and played some chords.

            "Is there anything you can't do?" I asked as I leaned against the piano.

            "I can't get you to f**k me," he replied, "but I'm okay with that."

            "Ha, bet you are!"

He shushed me and started playing an actual melody.

            "I thought of you when I learned this song."

            "Go for it."

The intro to the song sounded so familiar, but I couldn't place it. That was until he started singing.

            "I like big butts and I can not lie. You other brothers can't deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung, wanna pull out your tough, cause you noticed that butt was stuffed!" he breathed in deeply and continued singing, "deep in the jeans she's wearing. I'm hooked and I can't stop staring. Oh baby, I wanna get with you and take you-"

            "Oh my god, you're unbelievable."

He stopped playing and looked at me with a big grin decorating his face.

            "You didn't like it?"

            "The worst part is that I don't know, it sounded so... poetic."

            "Shall I continue?"

            "Please don't."

            "I'll try something else."

He started playing again, but this time used lower notes. The whole room suddenly appeared a lot darker than before and the flames of the candles started flickering. They danced to the music coming from the piano. Xavier had his eyes closed as he played Earned It by The Weeknd, fingers loosely onto the black and white keys, trying to make the piece sound as elegant yet flowy as possible. The piece reminded me of black silk, so smooth and sexy on one's body. With every chord he seemed to tell me something, something like a secret – dark and mysterious. The vibe was so incredibly sexy that he forced me to keep looking at him. He switched tempo from fast to slow, making me grasp for more any time he played slower.

            "Imma care for you..." he sung lowly, "Imma care for you, you, you, you."

That's when he started playing the actual intro. His eyes opened and looked at mine. I was enchanted by them, greener than usual, deeper than usual. This song made me weak, let alone if Xavier sung it.

            "You make it look like it's magic."

            "You make it look like it's magic," I mumbled under my breath.

            "'Cause I see nobody, nobody, but you, you, you..."

Then he made a subtle transition to another song.

            "This is the end..." he closed his eyes again and let himself be taken over by the spell of his music, "hold your breath and count to ten."

I was so surprised by his talent that it left me speechless.

            "Feel the earth move and then... Hear my heart burst again."

He let a bit of instrumental take over his voice for a couple of seconds.

            "Let the sky fall, when it crumbles, we will stand tall and face it all together, let the sky fall... Let the sky fall...."

And once again the transition happened, this time a less dark rhythm and instead a warmer undertone. Xavier seemed to get more passionate about the notes and became more even more flowy, trying to make a flower bloom by giving it what it needs most – sunlight covered in music. My heart bloomed as the music went into my ears and made my whole body feel warm and careless. Flames stopped flickering and enlarged, transforming the ambiance in this room into an orange-y color.

            "Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time," he sung a bit more quietly and intimately than before, "maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you. Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time, you hung me on the line. Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you."

He meant all the words he sung, all of it. I could see it through his body language, by the way his voice got softer and softer and how the walls around him seemed to disappear. He was as fragile as when Heather was here. I listened closely to all the words he sung, trying to understand them and link them to reality.

            "Maybe I'm a man and maybe I'm a lonely man who is in the middle of something. That he doesn't really understand. Maybe I'm a man, maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me..."

He opened his eyes and looked at me as he played slowly.

            "Baby, won't you help me understand."

When he ended the song and looked at me the way he did, there was nothing else I could do. I let my heart take over my mind, navigating my body to do things I'd maybe regret. The worst part was that he saw it coming, because he stood up and opened his arms a bit so I could fall into them. The second I felt the skin of his cheeks under my hands, the scruff, I really knew it. I was sure about it. I had been trying to hide all these feelings like I always did and he had been too, I knew it for sure, because of the way he held me – as if he had been wanting to do this forever.

The song never stopped playing in my head, not even when we kissed.