Two months
1263 Words
C H A P T E R T W E L V E
T W O M O N T H S
It has been two months, two whole months. Every single day when I woke up I would take a look at the little bottle they gave me, it was utterly terrifying. This little bottle with the few drops of god knows what’s in it could either be my survival but someone’s else death, or the opposite.
I would be lying if I say that drinking the bottle myself did not cross my mind. Don’t get me wrong I am not suicidal, I am just truly, completely afraid. Every morning when I wake up I wonder if this day will be my last.
Will they find out that I am attempting to get their son kidn*pped? Or will the other people from the other side no longer find me useful and get rid of me like I am some sort of evidence, witnessing their crimes? I could not believe for the life of me that I managed to end up in the middle of a mafia war, every night I hoped that this is some f****d up nightmare I had and that I would soon wake up and find myself free from my own head and it’s thought. That day never came thought.. instead came the day where I was supposed to do it.
I might have thrown up two or three times when the day came, I lost track to be honest. I just remember sitting on the bathroom floor in my silver dress and the tears falling down my face.
Liz was with the babysitter for the night since I didn’t know how well I would handle this when the night was over.
I re-did my makeup for the third time, promising myself not to cry anymore.. you can guess how well that played out..
Once arriving at the dinner and seeing them all together, laughing I could not do it anymore. I made my way outside, just to hear him following me.
“Nik I just need some space” I begged, knowing that I would break down in front of him right now if he stayed with me.
“You know, before I was born I had a twin brother”
Please not now…
“Nik”
“No, listen to me. I had a twin, and before we got born he died by protecting me. Everyday of my life I knew that along with my birth came the loss of him. Another soul, another person with a whole other life died, because of me and I could not even control it”
Please Nik, please stop talking before I sell out my self and tell you everything that’s about to happen in less than an hour.
When you get diagnosed with a mental illness and start any type of medication or therapy, you almost immediately feel like you’re alone, like you’re the odd one. You almost forget that others have gone through the exact same thing and that some are still going through it. Your heads gets filled with thoughts about how trapped you are and how no one is aware.. it fills your head so much that at times you forget about others. Let me tell you, no sort of medication or amount of hours in therapy could have prepared me for what he said shortly after.
“I grew up being the quite child, I never liked socializing and did not want to like it either. I had little interest in everything, so little that I almost shot myself”
Oh god..
“Nik-“
“You know why I recognized that you were having a panic attack? Cause I have had plenty myself. You know why I am not going to leave you right now? Because as much as I told people to leave me back then, as much as I needed them. I was lost Ella, I felt like I had no one to turn to. That’s what made me hold the gun towards my head and almost pull the damn trigger”
I did not even notice that I had been crying until I tasted the salty tears on my lips.
This was unfair, this was so f*****g unfair.
I wanted to punch him, I wanted to kick him, I wanted to do so much towards him for making me fall in love with him. Yes, I love him. I am in love with Nik Black and yet I may be about to be the one who takes his life away from him.
We stood there in silence as the tears kept making their way down my face. He lit a cigarette and started smoking it as he looked in front of us at the view. It was dark and chilly, yet from this house you could almost see every single light in the city. The cars driving looked like little dots from here, skyscrapers that were as high as the sky looked as tall as my little finger from here. From here, life just seemed so.. tiny. Like it had no meaning, yet here I was about to throw away what little life I had the chance of getting.
I grabbed the cigarette from his hand and inhaled in, hoping it might calm me. I despised the taste, so I threw it on the ground, stomping on it with my heels before looking at him. His face was kind of surprised, but what really threw him off was my next statement.
"I'm afraid that people will leave me"
"What?"
"I'm afraid that people will leave me. That's why no one knows about my mental health"
"Why would they?"
"Cause they didn't sign up for this. My friends didn't sign up for it when becoming my friends. My family didn't sign up for it when they became my family. Do you think anyone volunteers to be with the girl that feels unable to breath on her own from times to times? The girl that stays up at night, almost every single night overthinking every little conversation. The girl that creates scenarios of how everyone around her will abandon her as soon as they find out more about her life. The girl who never felt stability in her life and never will, no matter how hard people around her tries, she always ends up pushing people away. You think anyone signs up for that? Everyone I know didn't, they might just leave me as well for being a burden"
"You're forgetting one thing Ella.. you didn't sign up for it either"
I couldn’t help but chuckle, tired of all of this. Hell even exhausted..
"I wish I had you earlier, Nikolaz Black.. I wish you were there when things first started. Maybe things wouldn’t have turned out like this.. maybe I wouldn't have turned out like this"
"First of all: You're perfect. Don't apologize. Secondly, I love the way you say my name”
Yeah right… that’s why I am about to get you killed.
I truly wanted to keep going and joke around with him and listen to his dirty and witty comebacks, but the longer I stood here, the more guilt I felt.
“Let’s go inside” I excused myself to the bathroom and got the little bottle ready.
It was time..
- Writer
