Deep Desires 3 - Complicated

I don't want your sympathy.

C H A P T E R  T E N

I  D O N T  W A N T  Y O U R  S Y M P A T H Y

I could not believe him. He really felt the need to lie instead of talking to me, and he says that I am the childish one ? He could not even be honest with me !

"I ask to help, I ask one thing of you and you decide to go and lie! You decide to make me look like a fool!" I storm into the house.

"Nik-" He sighs as mom just stands quietly beside him, with her eyebrow raised.

"If you don't want me in the business then tell me so. Don't fool me though and have me deliver an empty fuckin package"

"What do you mean?"

"God damn it, don't do this s**t"

"Look at me. Does look like I'm doing any s**t. No. Now number one, you f*****g lower that tone of yours and number two, you tell me what the f**k do you mean by an empty package?"

Shit I really stepped over the line.. I am getting my ass beat after this for sure.

"I opened the box to see what's in it and it there wasn't anything. It was empty" I explained.

"Where is it?"

"I threw it out"

"What do you mean you threw it out... ?"

"I mean I threw it out. I opened it, I saw it was fuckin empty, so I threw it in the water"

"IN THE FUCKIN WATER?"

"YES. IT WAS EMPTY"

"Nik, look me in the eyes right now and tell me that you opened the hidden pockets, and nothing was there either"

"Oh fuck..."

"You f*****g dumbass you just threw 18 million dollars to the bottom of the sea. Good job at proving yourself you f*****g fool! That money was supposed to go on the streets"

Oh shit.. I really f****d up then. Money on the streets is one of the best and easiest thing a mob boss can use to gain some extra money. Whenever someone needs a loan but can’t turn to the bank, they could come to us. They got the loan but had to pay it back in a short period of time with an interest going anywhere from 1% to 5%. You had some low guys get around and collect the cash,

For f**k sake.. I knew I would spend the next few days in the house trying to make this up.

I did not have time to go to school, which everyone found to be pretty suspicious. Apparently Ella has not gone either, Kayla was ready to bet all her money that we were hooking up. To be completely honest that was the last thing I could care about.. well up until I got back to school, and she was there too..

Ella’s POV

I could not nor did I want to leave my bed. The whole day I sat in the corner and kept my gaze on the folder that the man gave me.

I never got his name, or any information about him. Apparently only he can contact me. His words kept running through my mind, he will actually hurt her if I fail to do what he wants. Her.. Liz.. she came into the room a few times asking what I am up to. She got so bored I ended up calling her babysitter, Myriam. She’s the loveliest, she is a fellow college girl who’s trying to pay off her tuition. Liz absolutely adores her.

“Hi, I am sorry for the late notice” I said when she got home, and I had dressed Liz.

“Oh don’t even mention it. If it helps with your headache then don’t even worry about it. You rest up, me and Liz will have a wonderful day Christmas shopping and meeting Santa, isn’t that right Liz?” Myriam asked her as Liz nodded and jumped around.

When they eventually left I got back to where I had been spending the whole morning. I did not want to leave, I doubted that I would any time soon. At one point the curiosity won and I reached over for the files. I hated that with every piece of paper I read, it seemed like the man was actually saying the truth. What if he wasn’t lying afterall? Could they actually be who they say they are…? Can they actually be cold blooded murders…? I could taste the salty tears now touching my lips.. My heart ached and my chest felt as if tons of brick were pushing down on it. My dear friend anxiety was knocking on my door, and the thoughts in my mind gladly invited him in to stay for the night.

I knew I would spend the next few days in bed taking care of my guest…

I did spend a solid three days in bed, leaving it a total of 7 times… seven tortures times. Otherwise Myriam was taking over my role as the bigger sister. When I knew that I seriously had to get back to school I wished I did not. Being back after three days was scary.. to you who might now be familiar with my guest anxiety it might seem like a simple task to you. To me however I cried countless times and felt unable to breath, multiple times during the hour. I truly thought that I had it under control when I arrived at the lockers but seeing them told me that I was no were near controlled. Boy was I wrong..

Not again.. not here please.. I begged inside my head as if someone would hear it and change the way I was feeling. 

I felt as if a 1000 pounds were sitting on my chest keeping me from breathing and my heart felt as if it would beat out of my chest because of how fast it was beating. I could hear and understand everything going on around me, but I couldn't reply.

I couldn't think about it.

I didn't want to think about it. Everything around me felt overwhelming as chills went through my spine causing me to start shaking. I could feel my head spinning and my stomach flipping and being tied in knots.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to get the hell out of here.

I feel like I'm going crazy.. But the worst part is, I'm not.

I am just mentally sick.

I am just a weak i***t who can't handle her problems on her own..

Each breath felt as if it was ripping through my lungs, it felt better to not breath and suffocate rather than breathing and living.

"Ella.. ? Ella!" I could hear Nick yell beside me, but I didn't dare look up afraid that the tears would just start running. I knew they would eventually, but I would rather be alone. 

"Right, we're leaving" He said holding my hand and leading me through the crowd of people to an empty class as he locked the door after us. "Hey, look at me. Shift your focus outwards. Breath" he said after holding my face in his hands.

"You're not going crazy, you're alright. Just take a deep breath in" he said as I followed his instructions shaking.

"And out" he instructed but I couldn't do it.

I went in his arms letting the warm, salty tears run down my face.

"Shh, you're fine.." he whispered holding my tightly and in that moment I knew I haven't felt this feeling in a while. I haven't felt safe. I never was safe. But in his arms, that changed. I felt as if I had a whole army behind my back. But reality was, he was just a man who I was about to destroy. Ironic, isn't it ?

I feel safest in a killer’s embrace.. After a quite minute I had enough courage to pull away and face him.

"You get panic attacks ?" He asked but it was more of a statement..

"No.." I tried denying but I realized there was literally no point in doing so. "Yes.." I added.

"Since when ?" He asked as I didn't have a real answer.

I have had them for ever, but only knew what they actually were earlier this year.

So I replied with what I thought was the best answer. Like usually.

"I don't know.."

"When did you know you had them ?" He said understanding what I meant somehow.

"Earlier this year" I added as he looked me in the eyes and that exact look is why I don't tell people. "I don't want your sympathy" I quickly added drying my cheeks from the salty tears that were covering them and pulling back.

"I didn't give it to you" he said.

"Look at yourself in the mirror and say that again." I said looking away and fixing my hair.

"You don't want people knowing.. why ?" He asked as I let out one of those sarcastic yet too tired to care chuckles. Like where would I start ? Cause the list is long.

How about me not wanting people to ask why I have them, so I don't have to tell them my whole history from birth and how miserable and f****d up everything has been and for them to end up hugging me and saying they are there for me and giving me their sympathy that won't change s**t. How about me not wanting people to know how weak I actually am ? So weak that I can't breathe on my own from times to times.

How about that I don't want people to say I'm an attention w***e and faking it ? How about that I'm afraid and tired of all of this ? That's what I wish I would have said.

Instead I went with "Because it's none of their or your business" and walked out the classroom with people staring at me.