Tennessee Whiskey

Chapter 1 Mary “That feels good baby. Shit.” Rob says as he finds his release on my stomach. He tosses me a shirt off the floor to clean up with before pulling his pants back up and tucking himself back inside. “You know, I might stop charging your mom if this is how she’s paying me.” He says. I clean myself off and wait until he leaves the room before I move. I have to get out of here. I can’t do this anymore. I hear the front door slam shut and mom walks into the room. “Did you fight him this time?” she asks, and I shake my head no. “Good girl.” She says before heading to the living room to get high. I shower and get dressed and sneak into the living room to see if she’s passed out yet and when I see that she is, I slip back into my room and start packing everything I can fit into my backpack and slip out the back door. I run as fast as I can down the alley behind my house and to the main road when it starts drizzling rain. Doesn’t matter. It’s still better than being at home. I walk to the diner and slip into one of the booths. “What can I get you honey?” the waitress asks. “Coffee please.” I say softly. She nods and heads to get me a coffee. When she returns, she places the coffee cup in front of me and sees the bruise forming on my cheek that I was trying to hide but she doesn’t say anything. I’m almost done with my cup of coffee when a woman sits at the booth in front of me. “Are you okay?” the woman asks. I look up at her and she’s looking at me and looks concerned. “Yes ma’am.” I say softly. “What’s your name, honey?” she asks. “Mary Carter.” I tell her. “Mary, my name is Izzy Montgomery.” She says and reaches her hand out to shake and I quickly shake her hand. She looks at my face and asks, “Want to talk about it?” she asks, and I shake my head no. She leans a little closer and says, “Is someone hurting you?” I look back down at my coffee cup and say, “Not anymore.” She sighs and asks, “Where are you staying, honey?” I shake my head no and she says, “Come on.” I look at her and she sees the fear in my eyes. “I run a shelter. KJ Missions. You’ll be safe there.” She tells me. “I don’t have any money.” I tell her. “It doesn’t cost anything. It’s just a safe place to stay.” She tells me. I nod and follow her out to her car. We pull out onto the road, and she says “When we get to the mission, we will give you a dorm that you will have to yourself. We have a doctor on staff that I would like to have check you out of that’s okay.” She tells me and I nod my head in agreement. We pull up to the mission and she leads me inside. She shows me to a dorm and pulls a key out of the desk drawer and she hands it to me. “You are the only one other than me that has a key to this room.” She tells me and I put my bag down on the floor next to the bed. Izzy leads me to one of the offices and it’s set up like an exam room. “Susan, this is Mary. Can you check her out for me?” Izzy asks and Susan smiles softly and says “Of course. Mary, my name is Susan and I’m a General Practitioner here at the mission. Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to ask you some questions and then we will see what we need to do for you. Is that okay?” she asks. I nod my head yes. “Okay. First, what’s your first and last name?” she asks. “Mary Carter.” I tell her. “How old are you, Mary?” she asks. “I’ll be eighteen on Sunday.” I tell her and she writes it down. “Can you tell me what happened?” she asks. I look at Izzy and she walks over and holds my hand. “It’s okay sweetheart. You’re safe here.” She tells me. I take a deep breath and say “My mom has been letting her dealer r**e me to pay for her drugs. I tried to fight him a couple of days ago and he punched me.” I say. “When was the last time he assaulted you?” Susan asks. “Hit me two days ago. r***d me again tonight.” I say. “How did you get away?” Izzy asks. “I waited until my mom was passed out, high and packed my bag and took off. I snuck out.” I tell them. “So, we need a r**e kit.” Susan says. “I showered. He pulled out anyway.” I tell her and she nods her understanding. “I’m still going to give you this morning after pill, and we will do some bloodwork to make sure he didn’t pass any STDs to you.” She tells me and I nod. We do the bloodwork, and she gives me the pill and tells me that I will need to take one more dose in the morning. After seeing Susan, Izzy walks me back to my dorm and there’s a woman waiting outside my dorm. “Mary, this is Kathy. She’s our counselor on staff. She’s on call tonight and so is Susan. I wanted you to meet her so if you need anything, you know who to find.” Izzy tells me and I nod. “Hello Mary. It’s nice to meet you. I know Izzy told you, but I want to reiterate that you are safe here. Susan and I are here tonight if you need us.” She tells me. “Thank you.” I tell her. “In the morning, we will give you a burner phone and it will have my number, as well as Kathy and Susan’s numbers in it. Even if we aren’t the ones on call, you can still call or text either of us any time you need us.” Izzy says and I nod my understanding. The next morning, I’m sitting at a table in the kitchen, staring at my coffee cup, lost in thought. All of a sudden, I hear “Are you okay?” I shake my head no and hear “Can I sit?” I nod my head yes, but just barely and the woman sits in the chair next to me. “My name is Lori.” She tells me. “Mary.” I say. “It’s nice to meet you, Mary. Have you been here long?” she asks, and I shake my head no. “I just moved out of here. You’re safe here.” She tells me. I look up at her but don’t meet her eyes. She starts telling me that she’s eighteen and pregnant but that her boyfriend isn’t the father and tells me her story. “My mom’s an addict and was letting her dealer use me for payment.” I tell her. “Did you consent?” she asks, and I shake my head no. “Have you had a pregnancy test done?” she asks, and I nod and say “Negative.” She asks if I’ve spoken to a lawyer yet and I tell her that I don’t have the money. She starts telling me that the mission pays for it and that her boyfriend is a lawyer and I agree to talk to him. Lori leaves the room and a few minutes later, she walks back in and says, “He’s in one of the meeting rooms.” She tells me. “Will you be there with me?” I ask. “I won’t leave your side.” She tells me. She leads me into one of the meeting rooms and when we walk in, her boyfriend, Logan, introduces himself to me. He tells me what’s going to happen and then starts asking me questions. “Can you tell me your name and age?” he asks. “Mary Carter and I’m seventeen.” I tell him. “Lori said you ran away from home. Can you tell me why?” he asks. “My mom is an addict and was letting her dealer use me for payment, but it wasn’t consensual.” I tell him as I look down at my hands. “Mary, the first thing you need to know is that none of this is your fault and I will do everything I can to make sure you never have to deal with that again.” He tells me and I look at him and smile. “Tell me about your parents.” He says. “My dad’s name was Kevin Carter. He died when I was a baby. My mom is Lana Carter, and I don’t remember a time where she wasn’t using.” I tell him. “What drug?” he asks. “Meth.” I tell him. “Do you have any family that you know of?” he asks, and I shake my head no. He tells me that he will file a restraining order and work on getting me emancipated. He talks about a judge that owes him a favor and might can get to let me give my statement in his chambers so that I don’t have to risk running into my mom. Lori asks, “Will I be able to be there with her?” and Logan says he doesn’t see that being a problem and Lori starts talking about Izzy being there too. “How often are you seeing Kathy?” Lori asks and I shake my head no. Logan texts Kathy and I go with Kathy to have my first session. Once we are in her office, we sit on the couch together and she asks, “How are you feeling this morning?” I look down at my hands in my lap and say, “I don’t know.” We are silent for a minute, and she says “I want you to understand that this is a safe space. Anything you say stays in this room. I’m not here to judge you. I’m simply here to give you someone to talk to and give you some input on how to process what’s running through your mind and how to handle the healing process.” She tells me and I wipe away the tear that falls. “This sucks.” I tell her and she doesn’t speak. She gives me time to get my thoughts together. “Growing up it was just me and mom. She has used most of my life and I remember men coming in and out of the house all those years.” I tell her. “How old were you when she started using you to pay for her addiction?” she asks. “Eleven.” I tell her. “Can you tell me about that first time?” she asks. “I was in bed and my bedroom door opened. It woke me up. I didn’t know the man. I hid under the covers, and he pulled them off of me. He held me down and said that my mom said I would be a good girl and do what I was told. That was the first time I was raped.” I tell her. “Have you ever been with anyone that wasn’t forced?” she asks, and I shake my head no. “I’ve never even been kissed.” I tell her and she writes her notes down. After having a session with Kathy, we decide that I will see her twice a day for a week to help me get my head together a little bit better. I head to my dorm and sit on the bed, with my back against the headboard and get my sketch book and pencils out and start drawing. It seems to be the only thing I can do to keep my mind from getting too far out of control. I start drawing what I feel like is my happy place. It’s a pond with a tree beside it and a tire swing hanging from the tree. I’ve drawn this same place dozens of times but all I have are some old pencils so there’s no colors. I try to do a little shading, but I know there’s something missing. It’s so hard to make it come to life without colors but I make do with what I have. The next morning, I’m in the sitting room, at one of the tables, drawing when I hear “Mary?” I look up and see Lori and Logan standing there. “Hey.” I say softly. “Can we sit?” Logan asks and I nod. They take the seats across from me and Lori tells me “Logan got the restraining order handled last night and she’s being served today. We also spoke to Logan’s friend and he’s going to let you give your statement in his chambers and Izzy and I can be there with you.” She tells me and I tense. “What is it?” Logan asks. “What if I still run into her?” I ask. “Let me see if he can come here and get your statement.” Logan says before standing and moving to the side to make his phone call. A few minutes later, Logan walks back over and says, “Evan will be here in an hour to take your statement, so you don’t have to risk running into your mom.” When he says that, I start to relax a little more. Lori also texted Izzy to be here too. “How are you feeling?” Lori asks. “I don’t know, really. I mean, I had a session with Kathy this morning and have another this evening.” I tell her. “Are you doing two a day?” Lori asks. “Yeah. Just for this week to help me get my head cleared a little bit and then we are going to one a day for a while.” I say. “That’s what I did, and it helped me a lot. I still call her for sessions.” She tells me and that makes me feel a little better. An hour later, Izzy walks in with a man behind her, and I tense a little. “That’s Evan. You can trust him.” Lori says and I relax a little, but I feel Evan watching me as he talks to Logan, and I look down at my hands. Izzy takes the seat on one side of me, and Lori is on my other side. “It’s going to be okay honey.” She tells me. Logan and Evan walk over to the table and Logan introduces all of us. Lori and Izzy both take my hands to show their support, and it means everything to me. Evan takes out his note pad and pen and says “I know you went over this with Logan, but I need you to walk me through it. Take your time. We’re not in any hurry.” He tells me. “My name is Mary Carter. I’m seventeen, eighteen on Sunday. My mom, Lana Carter, is an addict. She’s on meth. She has been using me to pay her dealer for her drugs.” I tell him. “This next question Is going to be a hard one, but I need to hear it from you. How was she using you for payment?” he asks. I let go of Izzy’s hand and wipe the tear that falls before taking her hand again. “She was letting him have s*x with me.” I say. “Was it consensual?” he asks, and I see his knuckles around his pen go white. “No. He’s bigger than me. He would hold me down. I tried to fight him off several times, but he would punch me or choke me out and r**e me anyway.” I tell him. “Are you planning to stay here until you can get on your feet?” he asks. “I am. Izzy said I can stay here as long as I need.” I tell him and he nods. “That’s all I need. Here’s what’s going to happen. Monday morning is her court date. I’ll listen to her side but it’s just a technicality. I’m granting the restraining order, but I would advise you to stay inside this building until you know for sure that she’s going to leave you alone.” He tells me and I nod. After getting his things together, Evan heads over to talk to Logan and I’m looking down at my lap as I pull my hands from Lori and Izzy. I lace my fingers together and fight off the tears. “It’s going to be okay, Mary.” Izzy says. “Is he mad at me?” I ask. “Who?” Lori asks, confused. “Evan.” I whisper. “No honey. He just hates hearing what you went through but he’s not mad at you.” Izzy tells me. It doesn’t matter anyway. No man is going to want someone damaged like me. After everyone leaves, I head to my next session with Kathy, and she can tell that something happened. “What’s on your mind, Mary?” she asks. “I met with Logan’s friend, the judge. He agreed to come here for my statement so I wouldn’t have to risk seeing my mom.” I tell her. “That’s a good thing. Did you give your statement?” she asks. “I did. But I think he’s mad at me.” I tell her. “Who?” she asks. “The judge.” I say. “Why would he be mad at you?” she asks. I shrug my shoulders, and she says, “There has to be a reason you think he’d be mad at you.” I don’t look up from my hands in my lap but say “When I was giving my statement, I had to tell him about mom’s dealer hitting me and choking me. I had to tell him about being r***d and he looked mad.” I tell her. “Mary, he’s not mad at you. He was mad because of what happened to you. Men like Evan and Logan hate having to hear about women being hurt like that.” She tells me. “But he doesn’t know me.” I say, confused. “Doesn’t matter. Men like them are protective of women and kids.” She tells me. “Doesn’t matter anyway.” I tell her. “Why doesn’t it?” she asks. “No man is going to want me now anyway. I’m too damaged.” I tell her. “Okay, one thing we’re going to do from now on is stop using the word damaged. You’re not damaged. You were violated. You were assaulted. The only one that sees you as damaged is you and we’re going to change that. For the next week, I want you to stand in front of the mirror when you wake up and when you go to bed and say ‘I am perfect. I deserve to be happy and loved.’ And then I want you to repeat it three times, each time.” She tells me and I nod. After my session, I head into my dorm and close the door. I sit on my bed and think about what Kathy said, and I remember how pissed Evan looked. He’s so nice looking. He could have anyone he wants. Why would I think he would look twice at me. I know he won’t. I’m just a stupid kid who’s only good for one thing and I ran away from that. No man is going to want me. I take out my sketch pad and open it to a new page. I can still picture Evan in my mind, and I start to sketch his eyes, then his nose and lips. It doesn’t take long for me to get the sketch done and I can’t help but stare at the sketch. He’s such a beautiful man and this is as close as I will ever get to him. After staring at the sketch for a while, I walk to the kitchen and make a cup of hot cocoa. Izzy is still around, and she makes herself a cup and sits across from me. “How are you holding up?” she asks. “I’m not, not really.” I tell her. “Anything I can do to help?” she asks. I look at her for a second and then down at my cup and shrug my shoulders. She sees my sketch book next to me and asks, “You like to draw?” I nod my head yes. “Can I see?” she asks, and I don’t speak but I push the book over to her and she opens it up. “Mary, these are amazing. Girl, you’ve got a talent here.” She tells me and I shift uncomfortably in my seat. “Mom said my dad used to love to draw too.” I tell her. “Wow.” She says and then she smiles softly. “You like Evan?” she asks, and I sag in my seat, defeated. “He’s easy to draw.” I whisper. “Are you sure that’s it?” she asks. “He’d never go for me. I’m just a stupid kid.” I tell her. “Okay, we’re not saying that again. You’re not a stupid kid. You will be eighteen in a couple of days and have your whole life ahead of you.” She tells me. “And no man is going to want me Izzy. I’m too damaged. I’ve never been with anyone that wasn’t forced, and I’ve never even been kissed. What man is going to want that?” I ask. “Oh honey. You’re going to find someone that’s going to treat you like you’re the most important person in the world.” She tells me and I look down at my hands. “Did you ever hear how I met Ashton?” she asks, and I shake my head no. “I was being harassed by my ex-boyfriend after he murdered my six-month-old son. I was at a bar getting drunk and he rescued me from my ex’s friends harassing me and he pretty much claimed me. I tried to avoid him because I didn’t think I was good enough and I thought I was damaged, but he kept trying. Come to find out, he was my boss. He owned the company I worked for, and I didn’t know it. But he was persistent. He didn’t treat me like I was damaged. He treated me like I was precious. Like I was important to him. He showed me that I was worth it. The same with Lori and Logan. He treats her like she’s the most perfect thing in the world. And you will find that too.” She tells me. “I won’t get that lucky.” I tell her as I stand and take my cold cocoa to the sink and pour it out. I put the cup in the sink and grab my sketch book and head to my dorm without saying goodbye. I get to my dorm and open the sketch book and turn to the page that has my sketch of Evan on it. I look at the sketch and just wish I could get someone like him. I feel the tears prick my eyes before putting the sketch book on my nightstand and laying down on the bed and sobbing. I’ll never be good for anything but getting a man off. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t even know where to go from here and I’m just going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone else and I’ll have to see what I can do to get out of here as fast as I can so I’m not a burden on these people too. The next morning, I’m in my session with Kathy. “How was your night?” she asks. “I’m tired. Didn’t sleep much last night.” I tell her. “Any nightmares?” she asks. “No. Mind wouldn’t shut off. I did the exercise you told me to, but I still feel like I’m a burden. I still feel like no one will want me.” I tell her. “That feeling will go away with time. You just have to be diligent in using the exercise.” She tells me. “Have you thought more about talking to Evan?” she asks. “I still don’t think he’d be interested in me.” I tell her. “Just talking to him might help. He’s a good man.” She tells me. “Maybe.” I tell her but I’m still not sure.