A Letter From The Young Me

They may always see me as a girl who always smile, laugh, and silly but every count of happy moments, there is always opposite emotion associate to it. It is my most cherish memory, the time where I always went to my cousins house to find comfort and warmth—we play together, fight and the end of the day became friends again. They—my parents— may not know why I always go there, even my feet authomatically walks to their house to find them. We grew closer to each other—even our neighbors calls us twins—well we even hope we are. After spending time with them, my creativity side grew, we create fashion clothes for our dolls, draw faces of disney princesses, learn addition with the hand technique, cooks our grandma and neighbors flower/plant with real fire—we did not burn our houses, and even make a real clothes. That was the best feeling from my childhood. When the evening comes, everything change like I'm a different person. I don't talk to my family, I don't smile, it was always me I'm talking with. Everything seems like a cycle—you wake up in the morning, went to my cousin's, go back home, then fall asleep with sadness. Our home is toxic—loud noises because of my parents fight, the flying things they throw if they fight—I feel drain even thinking back about it. I grow farder to my siblings. It's very poor being poor, fighting because of money, celebrating your birthdays like a normal day, receiving an achievement in school alone because your parents can't come because of work. That's why I create boundaries to them, I only tell my problems to my self—keeping them and not letting anyone knows. I feel envy to those happy family I always see. I know they work for us to have food to eat, but they overworking theirselves. Every day pass, I feel like I'm ruining my self, I can't do the thing I do when I was a child. I grow shyier and shyier every day, I cry every night because of that, but I know I create it with my self. For you who read this, don't let your past ruin your smile. Make it a lesson for you to proceed tomorrow. I know it hurts, but we can't do anything to the things that already happened. Don't let your past decide your future, one change will become a big change to your future self. I write this to warn you, it's not too late—there's still a lot of time. Surprise your past self that you can create something that you know will make you say "I did it, I'm here where I always prayed to God everyday" because I myself will do the same too, I'm currently rebuilding my self, my confident that once's stolen from me. Let's fight not for anyone but for ourselves.