When Love is Gone

Chapter 1

"What the hell, Ram?!"

Sara was controlling herself not to scream at me because of her frustration but I just shrugged my shoulders. What the hell was she expecting me to do? Take some pills for my limp c**k to come to life so I could f**k her until kingdom comes?

"I'm not in the mood, Sara," I told her as I picked my shirt from the floor and wore it.

"It has been months, Ram! Months! What the hell is happening to you? During the first years, you were not like this! You were always alive and I was always deliciously sore from the s*x. But now, you can't even make it stiff for five straight minutes!"

"Was that all you wanted from me, Sara? Just the s*x?!" I sarcastically told her.

She looked offended then embarrassed at the words I've uttered but then her face became calm after some minutes. She stood up and came towards me not minding that she's still naked as the day she was born. She hugged me and apologized.

"I'm sorry, Ram. It's just that I miss making love to you. It has been months that you became like this. It seems that you don't like having s*x with me anymore. It was as if you don't love me anymore."

She's sulking I know but it has no effect on me.

"I divorced my wife because of you, Sara. Have you already forgotten that?"

Don't make me tell you that I regret it now.

I wanted to add but decided not to.

She bit her lip and replied.

"I know, Ram and I'll always remember that you've chosen me over her. I know that you only love me. C'mon, let's just sleep, shall we? You said you're tired so you need to rest now. Why do you need to work like a bull in the company, anyway? Aren't you finished impressing your ex wife's parents yet? No matter how you close a lot of deals, they will just treat you the same. We both know that they haven't forgiven you yet for hurting their princess." She uttered the last word mockingly.

The conversation about Grachelle and her parents and her calling my ex wife a princess mockingly started pissing me off even more.

"Stop talking about them as if you know everything that's going on in the company, Sara."

"Of course I know everything that's happening there. I worked there, Ram. I still have friends in that company. If you didn't ask me to resign, then at least I could work as your secretary. At least, someone's there as your ally."

I loudly sighed because of what she'd said.

She's right. Since Grachelle and I divorced, her parents have not treated me the same way. It was expected that they'll hate me and not treat me kindly anymore but they never humiliated me in front of anybody which I was thankful for. They treated me cold, yes. Civil, yes. What should I expect after what I did to their daughter? Praises from them? They would have to cut their necks first before they praise me. Quite frankly, I am used to their cold treatment already.

I love my job at the company and worked hard to be at my position right now and I could proudly say that it wasn't because of Grachelle. Besides, her parents respected her decision of giving me half her shares to that company.

When I got to know about it, I tried to return it to her parents. I told them that I don't need the shares. I am a hardworking and determined man. But then they said that it was Grachelle's decision and if I want to return the shares, it should be to her and not to them.

I sighed. How can I return it if she's already gone and I don't have any idea where she is? Of course, I wouldn't ask it straight from her parents. I am not that insensitive.

But it has been, what? Four years that I haven't got any news about her. It was hard to admit it but hell, I miss her. I am missing her so much.

I looked at Sara and when I saw that she's already sleeping, I stood up. I went to the bar of my unit and took some bottle of beers.

And as I silently drank the bitter beer from the bottle, my eyes suddenly saw my empty ring finger. I suddenly miss seeing my wedding ring there which I've thrown the day I told Grachelle that I was filing a divorce.

I hated the ring the first time Grachelle placed it there during our wedding ceremony. For me it was a symbol that I lost my freedom. It was the truth that I lost the woman I really love. Whenever I saw it on my finger, I silently cursed Grachelle. My heart always beat with my hatred for her.

Yes, I hated her more than the ring that used to be on my finger especially when I discovered that she wasn't really pregnant. Three year of marriage with her had been hell because I was living with the person I loathed. People looked down on me because of her. I was just a poor man's son and she was a rich man's daughter. Everybody thought that our marriage was just for convenience.

Yes, I don't love her and yet married her. And yes, I married her because I thought she was pregnant and I needed her money so I agreed to be her husband. My mother's life was on the verge of life and death and we needed the amount she had given to save my mother's life. I should be grateful but how could I when my freedom was the payment for all the help she provided for my family? It was embarrassing to admit but she indeed bought me.

She bought my freedom and my name, she bought my family's loyalty but what she wasn't able to buy was my heart. That's the only thing that was left that her money can't buy. And I preserved it so that I can still have something left for my self. That's why no matter what she did to make me happy or to satisfy me wasn't enough for her to break the walls I've built and surrounded my heart. No matter what she said or how she begged for me to love her back didn't break the walls apart.

But she cracked it, right? She was able to c***k your walls.

A little voice inside my head whispered.

And the c***k got bigger and bigger as the days, months and years passed without her in your life. It added.

I bitterly smiled.

"f*****g true," I whispered.

My hand formed a fist as my heart started swelling when I started seeing her in front of me again. This time, tears were streaming from her eyes as she looked at me sadly and with so much disappointment.

"I don't want to eat so eat alone!" I harshly told her looking disgustedly at the dining table filled with delicious food I knew she prepared.

"But it's our anniversary and I..."

"Anniversary? Why don't you just celebrate alone? You were just the only one happy with this marriage, right? So go on, Grachelle! Celebrate alone!"

I gave out a harsh breath. I could vividly remember how she cried when I turned my back at her.

And yet when she joined me in bed that night, I did my obligations of satisfying her body.

"Why are you still crying? Didn't you like how this anniversary ended?" I sarcastically told her as she tried to secretly wipe her tears.

"Make sure you won't get pregnant. Don't make another unwanted child exist." I hurt her even more with my harsh words but I didn't care. For me, she deserves this kind of treatment and disrespect.

I can't believe she will remain with me even if I've already hurt her so badly. I was heartless whenever it came to her. Her tears, her pains and her sufferings weren't enough. They weren't enough for me to feel love or even sympathy towards her.

Or so I thought.

Days after separation were the days I was the happiest. I thought finally, I not got only my freedom back but so as Sara. She's back in my life while Grachelle was already gone.

But then after some more months of not seeing her, I started missing her. I started looking for any trace of her. I thought I was just curious of what had happened to her after our separation.

But I was wrong.

Not only did I start missing her but I started longing for her as well. I found myself going back to our old house. Looking at every corner where I used to see her. And when I laid on the bed we've shared for three years, I suddenly remembered her happy smiles and twinkling eyes that I miss seeing. I started smelling her in the air. I started feeling her embracing me. I started feeling her kisses. I started hearing her whispers.

And yet she's gone. And that's all because of me.

Starting that day, I became cold towards Sara. I can't seem to kiss her or embrace her like I used to do. And what's worse, I can't make myself have s*x with her or if I did, it was always forced.

It wasn't her smile that I was longing for.

It wasn't her eyes that I was longing for.

It wasn't her body that I was longing for.

It was Grachelle's.

And then I finally admitted it.

I indeed fell in love with my wife unexpectedly.

But it was too late to admit it, right?

It was too late to realize my own stupidity.

She's already gone and who knows if she'll still be back.

So here I am, suffering in silence.

I deserve it, right? I deserve to be longing for her and yet I can't see her, hear her, touch her and love her.

I deserve to regret in silence.

...

I was lazily walking towards my office that Monday morning. I am hungry, stressed, and pissed off because Sara was having another tantrum and didn't prepare breakfast for me. She's always like that whenever I don't give her what she wants. She's like a child who sulks until the next morning.

Damn. Sometimes, I really just wanna break up with her. But I always thought about the sacrifice Grachelle did in order for me to be happy. That always stops me from just throwing Sara out of the door.

And who's happy now, asshole?

That bugging voice in my mind sarcastically asked. If it were just alive and in front of me, I could just punch it in the throat for mocking me.

"Hey, what are you still doing here? The president wants us to welcome some very special visitors today." Brennan, the marketing head asked me. I was too deep in my thoughts that I've never noticed my officemates running towards the door as if there's an emergency.

"This early?" I asked him and walked back to where I entered with him beside me.

"Yes. The president even specifically requested that all of us should be there to greet the VIP guests."

Hmm. Who could that be? Probably another multi-millionaire investors of the company.

Everyone was already outside the building when Brennan and I arrived there. Incidentally, I looked in front and saw Grachelle's mother looking at me. I gave her a polite nod which she didn't answer. She turned her head away as if she didn't see what I did. I, of course, didn't mind it.

The guests must really be important for Grachelle's mom to even be here, I thought. She only comes here in the company whenever there is a special occasion.

Everyone fell silence when a black Bugatti La Voiture Noire parked in front of us.

"Man, that's my dream car!" Brennan whispered excitedly.

A tall man stepped out of the car. Loud whispers and giggles were heard from the women in the group that made me roll my eyes.

The man went at the passenger side and opened the door. I saw black stilettos first, a long body hugging black dress, and shoulder length strawberry blonde hair.

Who is sh--?

The beating of my heart stopped when finally the woman turned to face all of us.

I almost forgot how to breathe when my eyes met those beautiful grey eyes.

"Grachelle..."