Storms and Waves

Prologue Growing up without anyone witnessing my growth felt heavy on my chest. I always hope that if I do my best, pouring myself into something I'm passionate about, maybe I'll have someone with me. Or so I thought. I felt envious when I saw how my classmates mingled and laughed with their family. The love that they shared, the moment they captured, and the dreams they achieved together. I wanted that one. Hindi ko kasi naranasan ang magkaroon ng pamilya dahil bata pa lang ako ay wala akong kasama. Mag-isa lang ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong pangalan ng mga magulang ko, mga kapatid ko, mga mukha nila, at kung sino pa ang mga kamag-anak ko. Ni hindi ko mawari kung nasaan sila, kung bakit nila ako iniwan, kung bakit parang ayos lang sa kanila na lumaki ako nang mag-isa at walang kalinga sa isang pamilya. Naiisip ko minsan na baka wala na ang pamilya ko kaya hindi ko sila mahanap. Gusto ko lang naman sila makasama. Gusto kong malaman ang rason nila kung bakit ako lang ang mag-isang kumakayod sa buhay. Bakit ayaw nilang magpakita sa'kin? “Iniiyakan mo na naman ang iniisip mo", I said as I wiped my tears. Napatawa pa ako, pero hindi malakas, sakto lang para isipin na nakakatuwa ‘yon. Tumayo ako at nagtungo sa may study table ko. Nasa apartment ako ngayon dahil Sunday naman at walang klase. I have a scholarship because I applied to different scholarship program before I graduated from senior high school. If it's not obvious, with my scholarship, I'm able to meet my ends. My tuition is high because I'm studying in a state university, where I took BEd as my college program and I got a 75% discount since I graduated as silver medalist in Senior High School. Education wasn't really my dream course to take, but practically speaking, when I graduated in college, I could easily get a job because education is general. The salary depends on the company or institution I will be applying for, but it will be enough for me to pay off my debts. Ang apartment ko naman ay buwan-buwan kong binabayaran. Kapag natanggap ko ang pera galing sa scholarships ko, mas inuuna ko ang tuition ko sa school at ang apartment ko. At kapag may sobra pa ang pera ko, bumibili ako ng mga basic needs ko— groceries, bagong damit, vitamins, iilang gamit ko na skincare, at mga gamit para sa pag-aaral. Hindi ko nauubos ang pera ko dahil bukod sa marami akong babayaran, nagtitipid ako kasi may mga susunod pa na araw. Aside from having two scholarships, even if I excell in school, I have a part-time jobs that I’m proud to do. I do commissions, tutoring, and baking. When I'm bored, I paint and post it online to sell it. I managed my own time well. I've been working since I was in Grade 9, and now that I'm in college, I'm still doing it and I don't have plans on giving up. While reading the book of the Theory of Personality, I jot down information that is important to learn. “Gosh, nasaan na nga ako? Bakit parang pabalik-balik ako dito? Hindi ako umuusad." I forced my forehead to crease. Napahawak ako sa sentido ko nang sinubukan ko ulit na basahin ang isang page habang tinitingnan din ang notes ko. I'm a BEd student, but BS Psychology is actually my dream. However, since there was no slot during the registration for first-year college, I was left without another choice but took another program with remaining slots. I know that I will regret what I chose, but I promised to myself that after my first four-year journey, I will study again, and that time, I will take BS Psychology. I will get there, no matter what. I will get the degree. My own plans aren't delayed nor denied; God has fruitful plans for me. Dahil sa kagustuhan kong mas maintindihan ko ang binabasa ko ay mas minabuti ko munang tumigil saglit. I closed my book, put down my pen, and arranged my things on the table. It's time to pause, rest, and hope that when I wake up, everything's going to be stable again. Hopefully. As I lay down on my bed, I looked at the ceiling— the same ceiling that has been an eyewitness of my silent battles, my 12 AM cries, doubts, and problems. It wasn't easy— it never was, but I'm glad that I pushed it through. Now that I embark on a new journey of my life, I will continue to live, get the degree, and be successful. Hapon na akong nagising mula sa pagtulog. Hindi ko na namalayan na ang bilis lumipad ng mga oras. I looked at the clock on the study table. Alas kwatro na pala. Hala, hindi pa ako nakapagsimba ngayon. Linggo pa naman, kaya kailangan ko ng gumayak. Inayos ko ang kama ko bago ako lumabas ng kwarto at tumungo sa may kusina. Magsasaing pa ako ng bigas, magluluto ng ulam, at maglilinis ng apartment. My life in the apartment is just simple and quiet. I'm alone, but that doesn't mean I'm lonely. I love my life now because I can do what I want. Ang dami kong realizations habang naalala ko ang mga nakaraan ko. Paulit-ulit na tumatak sa isipan ko na kahit mag-isa ako, nakaya kong mabuhay at magpursige. Nakayanan ko ang buhay na walang masandalan, at kakayanin ko ulit ngayon. Wala man akong pamilya, pero may sarili naman akong patuloy na lumalaban kahit na pagod, puyat, at problemado. I should be grateful for the lessons I've learnt, for the mistakes I've grown, and for tirelessly showing up. Ang swerte ko kasi kahit walang nagmamahal sa'kin, mahal ko naman ang sarili ko. Someday, when I'm ready to build a family with the right man I love, I will never let my future family experience what I've been through. I want my future children to live happily without worrying about food, money, shelter, and their future. I will love them with my heart, do everything to provide them a better foundation of life, and always be with them. I will create memories with them every single day. I will always do everything so that my days will end up spending time with my loved ones. Someday… Nag-ayos muna ako sa kwarto ko bago tumungo sa may kalakihang cabinet. Nagbihis ako ng pormal na suot, nagsusuklay ng buhok at itinali ‘yon, at naglagay ng pressed powder sa mukha at liptint sa bibig ko. I'm proud of being a morena, and I love my natural skin because it makes me stand out— enough to be a reason that I'm a Filipino. Umalis na ako ng apartment ko at pumara na ng tricycle dahil medyo malayo ang simbahan. Kung maglalakad ako, aabutin ako ng halos kalahating oras sa paglalakad bago makarating sa simbahan at tiyak ako na pagpawisan din ako kung gano'n. Minabuti ko na lang na sumakay ngayon dahil dalawampung piso lang din naman ang pamasahe, hindi gaano kataas ang bayad. I was able to get here in no time. I paid my fare and thanking the driver before heading inside of the church. Hindi pa naman nagsisimula ang unang misa dahil wala pa ang pari at mga miyembro ng simbahan. As soon as I went inside of the holy place of God, I bowed a little and did the sign of the cross. Umupo ako sa may pinakahuling bench dahil may mga nakaupo na sa unahan. Wala naman akong reklamo, tahimik lang akong nakapikit ang mga mata at taimtim na nagdasal. Dear Lord, I have come here to thank you for all the blessings I've received this week. I'm grateful for the strength you bestowed upon me, for the grace of my heart, for the peace you have given me, for the guidance as I walk along my journey. Everything wasn't easy these past few days as I encountered a lot of challenges, but with you, Lord, I overcame and did it successfully. My heart is full because of the small things that I have, Lord. I will forever be grateful for everything that you've entrusted to me because I know that every sacrifice is a blessing, endurance and perseverance to drive, Lord. I will continue to strive for more as you guide my every small step toward the end. Thank you so much, Lord. Amen. The mass started and I sat down silently while fixing my attention to the priest who was giving a homily. Sometimes the priest would crack a joke and everyone would laugh with him, including me. If the priest would ask us and the answer should be yes or no, we would say yes. If we would say no, the priest would follow up with the question ‘Why?’. As the mass went on, the choir members of the church sang a Christian song with people. We sang perfectly, feeling the warmth of the presence of the Lord as we continued to participate altogether. Ang gaan sa pakiramdam kapag pumunta sa simbahan. Kahit na mabigat ang damdamin dahil sa mga pasan na responsibilidad na gagawin, nawawala ang sakit at napapalitan ‘yon ng kapayapaan at kaginhawaan. Sa mga nagdaang araw, bukod sa ang daming gagawin dahil requirements ng course ko, nagiging problema ko rin ang insomnia ko. Hindi ako makatulog ng maayos tuwing gabi. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba ‘yon sa mga iniinom kong kape tuwing meryenda o dahil sa mga bumabagabag sa isipan ko. Minsan ay napapaisip ako na kahit gusto ko ang buhay ko ngayon, nakakaramdam pa rin ako ng kirot. Wala akong masyadong kaibigan dahil time-consuming lang ‘yan, pero gusto ko sana na may nagpapatahan sa'kin kapag umiiyak ako, tutulong sa'kin kapag nabibigatan na ako, papakinggan ako kapag nagsusumbong ako. Ang gaan siguro sa pakiramdam kung may isang tao na kahit hindi kami masyadong mag-usap ay yayakapin ako. Kaso lang ay wala ako. All I have is myself, trying to survive the waves of life. Trying to manage on my own. Trying to figure out what I should do next. Still trying. But I didn't even find a home. Mabilis lumipas ang mga oras. Nang nakauwi ako ay nag-asikaso ako ng hapunan ko. Sinigurado ko na rin na bago ako matulog ay malinis na ang buong palagid, walang bahid ng dumi. I felt relieved. I swore that I didn't have any regrets about the decisions of my life, the actions taken, and the small steps of improvement. That night, my faith for success and growth was greater than the pride for myself. Taciturnity over unleashed words. But sometimes, chaos over loneliness.