Put your head on my shoulder

Chapter 10: Bus ride(4)

It was after our midterm exams that I saw her again on Bus 98.

I had been very busy with my midterms for the past few weeks and wasn't going to my part-time work that frequently because of that very reason. This also meant that I wasn't able to focus much on my rapping but I still made time everyday to do that as it was and still is the only thing I know I love to do-producing music is something I think I was born to do.

Anyways, when I did see her one fine evening while I was returning home from my part-time work, she didn't look as tired as she usually did. In fact, she didn't even have her violin case with her- which was a surprising sight considering that fact that she always carried it with her whenever I saw her.

She looked strange somehow when she got on the bus- her eyes looked red-rimmed and puffy as if she had cried a lot or if she hadn't slept for a week; but my bet was on the latter as I could hear her soft sniffles when she sat in the seat diagonally across mine.

I had a internal debate with myself on whether I should approach her or not- I mean, she looked as if she needed some space.

 I had never seen her like this ever before; she always had a grin or a soft smile on her pretty face. Sometimes it reached her eyes, sometimes it looked as if it was merely there for others benefit and sometimes it looked as if it was there when her head was in the clouds but it was always there on her face. Always. Until that day, that is.

She was gazing out of the window and by her reflection, I could see the drops of tears resting on her cheeks which she didn't even bother to wipe away.

I knew that something was wrong-something was terribly wrong.

Something inside me snapped when I heard those sniffles from her. 

I got up from my seat, the decision already made for me. 

"Hello Se ra-ssi!" I blurted out and she whipped her head up and discreetly tried to wipe her cheeks when her eyes met mine,

"Ah hello Yoongi-ssi! We meet ag-again." she hiccuped and gave me a sheepish small smile which didn't quite reach her red puffy eyes.

"Mind if I sit with you?" I asked and her eyes widened in surprise. To be honest, even I was amazed at my newfound courage.

"Uh, sure." she scooted over and made space for me and I sat next to her. It wasn't as if it was the first time I was sitting beside her like this; but she didn't know about those times when I offered her head my shoulder in this very bus while she dozed off. And I planned to keep it that way, I was not that brave to tell her about it yet.

A few beats of uncomfortable silence stretched on where we tried to look anywhere but at each other and then we spoke up at the same time,

"Se ra-ssi-"

"Yoongi-ssi-"

Our eyes met and she giggled at little and I found myself mirroring her expression.

"You go first Se ra-ssi." I formally said and kicked myself internally- I was being way too nervous and awkward around her as usual. I berated myself for never speaking to her confidently.

"No no, you first please." she politely replied, fiddling with her charm bracelet.

"No you first, I insist."

"Okay," she said and she produced two 10,000 won bills from her jeans' pocket, "Here you go Yoongi-ssi, this is for that day when you paid in my stead at the shop in your neighborhood." 

"Ah Se ra-ssi I told you no need-" I began but was cut off mid-sentence when she suddenly grabbed my hand and pressed the bills in my palm forcefully.

That brief contact made fireworks explode inside me. My heart was literally hammering inside my chest and I was sure that everyone on the bus could hear it too-it felt as if I had run a marathon. My pale traitorous skin showcased my red blush; it was a dead giveaway that I liked her.

Yet somehow her expression didn't change at all; it seemed as if she wasn't affected by it in the least bit.

The thought deflated me a little, but the feeling of her small warm hand brushing against my skin was a balm which soothed the wound which that dreary thought inflicted on my heart.

"Yoongi-ssi..." she began but looked down suddenly, twisting her hands in her lap nervously. 

I frowned a bit at her serious tone, I hadn't ever imagined her to use it. She looked torn suddenly; like she wanted to say something but at the same time she didn't. 

"Yes, go on Se ra-ssi?" I prodded and she whispered the reply too low for me to make out so I leaned in towards her. Still I couldn't make out what she said so I asked her again and she looked up and met my gaze, her brown orbs darkening when she saw how close we were.

I realized it too at the same time as she did, and I hastily leaned back to put some space between us, gulping at our close proximity.

"Yoongi-ssi," she began again and I gave her a reassuring nod meant for her to go on so she continued with a shaky smile,

"Could you...could you please pretend as if you didn't just see me bawling my eyes out?" she spoke so fast that I barely made out the words, her tone shaky with nervousness. I was surprised by her request and didn't quite know how to respond to that so it took me a few long seconds to answer,

"Of course Se ra-ssi." I tried to sound as reassuring as I could.

"Th-thank you." she whispered the words with a small, grateful smile.

"May I ask..." I struggled with the words, I wanted to ask the reason why she looked so down.

"Uh, it's nothing serious-just that  one part of my heart is telling me to do something yet the other part is telling me to not deter from my original goal. You know, sometimes...um it's kind of like an internal tug of war..." she had a faraway look in her eyes and I nodded, completely understanding her. I had had that tug of war one too many times since I saw her. 

"Tell you what, here you go- I guess this will help you cheer up." I said to change the topic as she looked as if she would tear up again soon but even the thought of her crying was like a thousand needles stabbing my heart.

 I took out my headphones and walkman and gave it to her. She took it with a confused look but then she smiled slowly when she understood what I meant.

"What songs do you listen to?" I had been dying to ask her this since that day when I saw her dancing in the rain and now I finally had the chance to do so. I couldn't believe it that I was finally talking to her; having a proper conversation.

"Usually classical ones, but I like English pop ones too." she said.

"Oh...I have some English songs on my tape but it's mostly hip hop..." I scratched my neck nervously.

"No problem I'll listen." she simply said and placed the headphones on her ear, closing her eyes. 

The bus ride ended too soon for my liking. 

When she got up to get off, she handed the walkman back to me and gave me one of her warm smiles which made my heart skip a beat.

"Goodbye Yoongi-ssi." she said in a melancholic tone which didn't quite fit with the warm expression on her face and in her brown orbs but I brushed it off that time and replied,

"Goodbye Se ra-ssi." 

If only I knew that that was the last time I'd see her in Daegu...