Finding herself

Chapter 20: Here goes nothing

As soon as Onyx yelled in my head, it was like he heard it and met my gaze. I was taken aback and couldn't help myself not to run out the door and hide behind the wall. I knew he had seen me, but in that moment I didn't care.

'We have to go to him.' Onyx almost commanded me, but I wouldn't budge.

Maya ran out the door after me, saw me with my back to the wall, bag still in hand, trying to hide as best as I could.

"What the hell was that?" She almost screamed in surprise at my action. "Why did you run out?"

"My mate's in there." I told her, not moving an inch.

"Figured as much. Still doesn't answer my question. Why did you run? And why are you hiding?" She crossed her arms at her chest and looked at me with boredom in her eyes.

I could only respond with few words, my heart was beating so fast. "Your guess is as good as mine." I couldn't even move a muscle, my heart was racing, my head was hurting because Onyx wouldn't shut up.

'Move you dumb ass, our mate is in there. We have to get to know him, he's so hot. I bet his wolf is even hotter.' Onyx hadn't stopped talking since we saw him and she was repeating herself over and over like a broken record.

I was over her talking, I enjoyed the quiet time. 'Would you shut up. We don't even know him. What's stopping him from rejecting us, besides me hiding right now? Nothing. I don't want to hurt again so it's best if we never meet him.' I shut her up for a while, but I knew that it wouldn't last long.

"Anya, did you hear what I just said?" Maya was practically yelling in my face now.

"Sorry, had to shut the wolf up. I couldn't even hear you over the yelling. What did you say?" I started to loosen up a little but still hadn't moved my legs. It's like they were glued to the floor and I was in no hurry to get myself free.

Maya rolled her eyes at me and repeated. "Didn't you want to meet him? The one who wouldn't hurt you? Who would move mountains to be with you? He's here now and you are running away. There has to be a reason for this behavior." She started to sound concerned.

I looked down on the ground, feeling ashamed of my feelings and fears. "What if he rejects me? And I wouldn't even blame him, you know as much as I do I have my own stack of problems and I wouldn't expect anyone to deal with it, I am barely dealing with them myself. And I know I said I wanted my mate, but I don't want to get hurt again so soon after Sebastian. I know I will forget all about him, and it's getting easier by the second, but I still remember and it's going to keep holding me back until it's forgotten." I could breathe a little easier now.

Maya softened her look as if she knew exactly what I was talking about. "I get it. But we still came here with a mission. We have to find Jonathan and introduce you. Forget about your mate tonight. Let's just give Jonathan the gift bag and let's get back to my place and get hammered." I liked that idea, even if alcohol doesn't affect me much.

I moved from the wall, fixed my hair and dress, linked my arms with Maya and went in.

Here goes nothing.

We stepped back inside the room and I couldn't help myself but keep my head down and avoid the gaze of my mate. My only plan was to meet Jonathan and get the hell out of there.

We walked around groups of people talking amongst each other and got to Jeremy, I recognized him by his shoes.

"Oh hey, girls. Anya I would like you to meet Jonathan. Jonathan, this is Anya, the one I was telling you..." He stopped talking and I looked at him, he had a confused look on his face. "Jonathan is everything ok? What's wrong?"

I then looked in the direction that he was looking and I met the eyes of my mate.

He was watching me intensely, not saying anything. I couldn't bring myself to look away and we were just having a staring contest.

Jeremy spoke once again, this time his voice lowered and surprised. "Is this what I think it is?" I still couldn't keep my eyes off him. He was the first one to look away. "Can we have a moment please? 5 minutes." the man I figured was Jeremy's son Jonathan said to his father. Jeremy and Maya obliged, Maya removing my hand from her arm, which I was unknowingly holding. Very strongly, might I add.

We were left alone and I didn't want to be the first to break the silence between us. He figured I would just stay quiet and he spoke first. "Why did you run out before?"

He was still standing a couple of feet away and I appreciated it. I couldn't really tell him so I just said: "I don't know." I lowered my head down again, feeling vulnerable just as I did for all those years being held captive as a child.

All the memories of being helpless came rushing back, destroying my confidence that I had built here in my new home. My eyes started stinging and my feelings were all over the place. I didn't know whether I was sad, angry even with what had happened all those years ago that I just now remembered or happy, that I met the one that was supposed to love me unconditionally. All I knew was I was nervous if he even wanted to be with me, he could always reject me. And that thought alone made the tears fall out and I knew I had to get out of there.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this right now." I quickly gave him the bag I still held in my hands and walked out of the room, my head still down so no one could see the tears. I had no idea why I was reacting like this and thinking about it just made the tears run down faster.

Behind me I could hear Jeremy say to his son: "What happened?" while Jonathan just replied "I have no idea."

I was out of the room quickly and made my way out of the house and straight to the back yard and into the woods. My skin was itching and burning at the same time and panic was making me breathe fast and my head was hurting. I just started runing when I was in the woods and in a split second I was running on all fours, fur covering my body, my dress destroyed.

'Go back now' Onyx was annoyed with me even more than I was annoyed with myself.

'I can't. I don't know why, but I can't. Everything I worked hard for to forget, came rushing back. I never wanted it to happen this way, believe me, but I can't help myself but feel this way.' I unloaded on her and she just huffed.

'You're stupid' She said, clearly not amused.

'You're stupid' I replied back and that was the end of our conversation.

I kept running for a while, stopping only when I realised I had no idea where I was or how to get back home. I didn't even know if I wanted to go home. If this is how I would feel every time I would be near him, it was better to just stay away. I didn't want to feel like I did today. Like I was small, compared to someone. I was a damn Alpha too, that wasn't in my nature. And how I instantly submissed to him involuntarily, I did't even do that for Jeremy and he was my Alpha now.

But everything about Jonathan made me feel less than and I didn't like it one bit.

I laid down on the pile of leaves and put my head between my paws. I was tired from the run and my feelings that I couldn't control and I just fell asleep.

---------------

I woke up still in my wolf form, nuzzled next to someone's fur, and I instantly recognised it by his scent.

I jumped up and away from him, bearing my teeth at him, growling and crouching in a defense position.

He woke up, looked at me for a few seconds and laid his head back down, closing his eyes. That left me confused, my head bobbing from side to side.

He was showing me he was not a threat. It made me relax a bit and it gave me the time to look at him. His wolf was black, his fur silky, the moon shining off it. Even lying down, I could tell he was a little bit bigger than me, but not by a lot. His body strong and muscular, I could see it even through the fur.

I cought his gaze and he was smirking, clearly catching me checking him out. I rolled my eyes and then heard Jeremy mind-linking me.

"Anya, Jonathan wants you to turn back to human." He spoke steadily, like he didn't want to spook me.

"Why doesn't he turn first? And why didn't he just tell me that himself?" I sat down and spoke back.

"He doesn't want to make himself vulnarable in case you attack him. You are an Alpha after all and he can feel your strenght. And why he can't tell you himself, he wasn't at the ceremony, he hadn't officially accepted you into the pack yet, so he can't really talk to you himself. Please just turn back and talk to him.' With that he cut our conversation and I knew it had to be done. It was unavoidable.

I imagined myself in human form again and with very little pain I turned back and was now sitting in the middle of forest, naked. I kept my gaze down on the ground, feeling embarassed about the whole situation.

I heard bones breaking and a grunt from Jonathan and before I knew it, he was walking towards me.

"You are even stronger than your aura presents you." He sat down before me, still keeping his distance a little.

My eyebrows furrowed and I couldn't figure out why he said that. "What do you mean?" I questioned, still keeping my head down. I didn't want to see what was so clearly before me on display.

"I mean turning back being painless when you have your wolf form only a short period of time. It's really impressive and kind of hot." I could hear a smile in his voice and I could feel my cheeks getting red.

"Isn't it supposed to be like that after a couple of shifts? That's what I was told." I tried my best not to smile after his comment. He already made me feel better and he didn't even have to do anything.

"Not like that. It's never supposed to be painless, even years after. Your bones are breaking and it hurts like s**t every time, but it gets managable. But you, you're just amazing." I could feel him checking me out and I had the urge to hide myself, everything being exposed and what not.

I crossed my arms on my chest, covering my boobs and tried my best to cover everything else with my legs when he spoke again.

"Why did you run away?" His voice no longer humorous but soft.

My mood shifting again, I told him. "I was scared."