Going back for love

Prologue My eyes are scanning the screen as if it’s hunting for blood. The blood is that one word standing out from the others. The word that is needed to know if my trembling fingers are necessary. If my raging heart rate is just a scare for my body and the adrenaline coursing through it. It’s as if my brain isn’t functioning right, as I needed to read some sentences twice or even three times. I swallow and comb strands of hair out of my face. I feel like a weak puddle of emotions and I would've rather just lay in bed and let the thoughts of nothingness consume me But here I am, needing to know. This time I concentrate deeper, trying to take in every word I’m reading. I feel beads of sweat appearing on my forehead and tears brimming my eyes. I hope that all this anxiety and stress are for nothing. But it isn’t. Killed. I read the word several times before I let the fat tears fall down my cheek. I don’t care about the wailing sound escaping my mouth. I lost him. I lost the love of my life. Chapter 1 The shrill sound of my phone’s alarm invades my ears and a frustrated groan escapes my mouth. I turn to tap the alarm off to have a few more minutes of complete silence. 4:02 am. While everyone else is still sound asleep, I’m awake. I sigh and pull myself in a sitting position, stretching my stiff muscles. I stand up and walk towards my small bathroom right in front of my bed. The moon’s light seeps in through the window, giving my face an eerie glow in the mirror before I switch on the light. My eyes are still puffy from my deep slumber and I splash it with cold water. My mom died three years ago when I was fourteen and there isn’t a time when I don’t think about her when I see my reflection in the mirror. We have the exact same hair color. Auburn. Only difference is mine is super curly while hers was wavy. I glare at my eyes. It shines yellow, just like mom’s always did. I know yellow isn't a common color, that’s why most people think of me as dark and scary and that’s why I smile most of the time to escape that reality. And lastly, we both have porcelain skin. Dad always joked, saying we’re from a princess book, which I suppose he was talking about snow white. All those thoughts are like knots in my brain. The more I think about it, the more overwhelming and tighter the thoughts get, making tears invade my eyes. I learnt how to shrug it away and think about better things. I blow hot air out of my nose and comb my hair into a high ponytail, making sure no strands are standing around. I brush my teeth and lightly wash my face. I usually do the rest when I take a shower just before school. I quickly take off my nightclothes and put on my training clothes that I left on the toilet seat. Just black tights and a big oversized nirvana T-shirt. I usually wear a second skin shirt under it, but it doesn’t feel so cold this morning. When I’m done, I stare at myself in the mirror, smiling. I feel like a freak doing it but it helps to enhance my mood.I don’t want anyone else to see I’m anything but happy. I inhale deeply before I go downstairs. Dad’s already awake, waiting for me on the couch. “Hi dad.” I say, forcing a smile. He looks at me with raised eyebrows and like everytime he doesn’t greet, just asks the same old question, “Did you stretch?” I nod, completely lying. It isn’t as if he’s going to know. He nods at me, pulling himself from the couch. He eyes me up and down before I follow him outside where it’s still dark and a million stars are still shining. My eyes fall on dad’s back and I can’t help but inwardly roll my eyes. Most women would say that he’s a handsome man, seeming young for his age. I just didn’t see anything. Knowing him inside probably outshine his outside. I still love him,as he wasn’t always like this. Sometimes I wonder that the way he was before was just a facade. A mask to hide what person he really is. I lick my lips as we start running at a fast pace. Some cars pass by, flashing their bright lights in my eyes. They’re probably thinking that we’re crazy to run so fast at this hour. Dad usually says, they envy us, because they wouldn’t have the guts to do what we do. He described them stuck in a loop, struggling to stop procrastinating. I concentrate hard to control my breaths, not wanting dad to make comments about something I’m doing wrong cause I swear it makes me develop some anger issues. When I feel my body starting to become clammy and it feels as if my lungs are bleeding we stop at the usual neglected building. The place looks haunted and I’m sure sometimes,even at this early time I see suspicious people hovering around, probably dealing with drugs or something more fishy. I feel somewhat safer with dad around. We enter the building and I immediately feel warmth cuddling my cold skin. Some cling noise interrupts the quietness and I see Jerry busy sorting weights around when he sees me and gives me a curt nod. I nervously smiled at him and inwardly facepalm myself. I’ve never been able to get used to him,he just has this aura. Dark. As if he's been through alot but he doesn’t hold any pity. “What’s up Mark.” Jerry greets my dad with a tight handshake. They both remind me of each other as they are hard and mostly quiet. Jerry,I just knew we were more calm and he wouldn’t get too angry when I didn’t get something right.I know he has a soft spot for me but I still felt vulnerable around him. Dad purses his lips together at me,walking off,leaving me and Jerry alone. “Ready.” Jerry asks me, adjusting some ropes on the ground. “Just going to the bathroom.” I answer and turn. I swipe my tongue over my teeth, my heart starting to drum against my chest. Before I enter the bathroom my eyes catch a new figure, forcefully punching a back, with the perfect rhythm. His back is facing me but I can see him tall and well built. For a while I just stared at his perfect movements, feeling like he has been through a lot and he’s lashing it out on that punching bag. His moves are so forceful that his hoodie falls off and I have a glimpse of wavy brown hair,before he turns and I quickly make my way behind the wall. I hope he didn’t see me. My face heats up and I feel it being splashed with red. I sigh. Why is it always so easy for me to blush and make an embarrassment of myself. I rub my hands together and enter the dimly lit bathroom. My red face outbalances my white neck and arms sticking out of my T-shirt.I shake my head and grit my teeth.I crack my knuckles and arch my back backwards doing a quick stretch before having a tough workout with Jerry. When I’m done, walk with a fast pace towards Jerry, not wanting to see the boxing figure again. I don’t want to face the humiliation of him knowing I stared at him for a few minutes. “Put these on.” Jerry says, as soon as I enter the room only covered with a soft matt and bare cracking walls.The whole place walls are like this but in the other rooms it’s covered with posters of famous athletes and motivation quotes. I put on the ankle weights he gave me and looked at him, feeling shy, like always. He holds a timer in his hand and yells, “High knees.” I bite my lips. High knees might not be so bad at the start but it gets a real pain in the ass the longer I do it and Jerry makes sure I get a good few minutes of it in. “Higher.” I already feel new sweat beads appearing on my body and my breathing becoming out of place. “Faster.”I wish I brought my ear pods which I had forgotten to make this more enjoyable. We continue doing different workouts and unlike other coaches who just stand and watch, he trains with me, and his dark muscular skin is glistening with sweat just like mine. When we enter the boxing room, the punching guy is where tobe seen and I feel somewhat relieved. I concentrate hard to keep my posture correct, hitting hard with each punch. “Duck.” “Left arm, Iris.” “Move your feet.” He keeps yelling and making remarks. It literally is never ending. Either I can’t ever do anything right or he’s just being too hard. I swallow, wishing I could swig some cold water to soothe my dry and burning throat. “Don’t ever stand still. Move those feet.” He yells again and even though my calves are burning like hell I keep stepping on it, to keep Jerry happy. He and dad will say it’s for the best. I know it is but the way I'm feeling right now, I wish it wasn’t. He gave me more tasks to do and my breathing was like a wildfire. The more I inhale the more I need. I start to feel pins and needles all over my body and nausea build up in my stomach. Oh no. My stomach recoils and I try my hardest not to gag in front of Jerry. This always happens. I don’t know why and if it’s the intense workout or just me. I softly hum, hoping it will help me from puking. Jerry starts counting from ten and some relief escapes my gaspy breaths. “Okay, you're done.” Jerry announces and I run towards the bathroom, but on the way I hit on something hard. “Sorry.” I mumble, when I saw movement. I didn’t bump into a wall,I bumped into someone. Without even acknowledging the person I clasp my hand over my mouth and continue to run to the bathroom. I kneel in front of the toilet and my muscles immediately relax from the intensity. I gasp in, slowly trying to contain my breathing back to normal. In and out. In and out. I briefly close my eyes,feeling comfortable in the position I'm in. It feels as if my body can fall asleep on the cold floor,away from the hard cling noises and movement. But I can’t. I pull myself back on my shaky legs and try to stretch the soreness away. “Damn.” I whisper, knowing that this is going to be a long day. Being completely calm, I take a few gulps of water from the tap feeling it run inside my warm body. “Iris.” Dad calls from outside the bathroom. I roll my eyes. We have to run back home too. “Hi.” I say, exiting the bathroom and giving him a forced smile which I practiced so well. He looks me up and down, “You ready?” I nod, trying to look eager, “Yeah.” I notice a smirk on his face as we walk out of the gym and start running outside. The sun is oozing with redness in the cold bluesky. I smile,loving this moment of seeing the peaceful scenery and letting it sink deep into my soul. When we run into a more busy street, more cars appear and dad makes sure I’m running on the pavement and not on the street side. “You trained hard?” Dad starts to small talk when we enter the front door. “Yes.” I say feeling somewhat uncomfortable. “Good.” I feel the awkward tension as my dad busies himself in the fridge, making our usual morning breakfast while I sit on a stool behind our mini bar. I pull my attention to the wall when dad starts to cut fruits on the counter before me. The whole hous’s walls are painted white, but one of them is covered in wooden shelves and luscious green plants grow out of different funky pots. I love this wall. It’s so refreshing . When mom died, dad insisted we take it off but I begged him not too. Mom loved it just as much as me, and she was the one always putting new plants on the empty shelves. She made the place less dull. “What are you thinking about?” Dad suddenly asks,looking at me from under his eyelids. His eyes are muddy and dark. Sometimes I notice when he’s in a good mood, his eyes turn light and patches of green almost take over. I grit my teeth before I speak, “Oh, just school.” I lie, hoping he catches it. Sometimesdad can be a real lie detector. “Yeah? Any news there?” He licks his lips and watches me intendly,up and down. “No, just got an exam coming up.” “You studying hard?” I hum in response and give him a small smile. I sniff eagerly waiting to stand under the warm spraying water in the shower. When dad finally puts a bowl of fruits, yogurt and two cooked eggs before me, I struggle to not gulp it all down as dad hates when I eat fast. When I’m not around him, I usually eat the way I want and the way I feel. “It good?” Dad asks. Not that he really did much but I nod enthusiastically. When I’m done I slowly stand, afraid he might say that I must stay. “I’m going to get ready for school.” He nods and I run upstairs towards my room, happy to have some alone time. I jump into my unmade bed and lay a full five minutes admiring my ocean portret against the wall. I love the ocean and I wish we could live near there, so that I can walk on the beach every single day.