Every Saturday Night

Chapter 00

#ESNPrologue

Freya Kassandra Floresca

~•~

"Ayaw mo na?" I asked in a whisper, almost out of breath— out of hope rather.

It's so excruciating to think that the person who used to be there for you, will be gone the other day... without any warning.

This is the moment I didn't see coming; the moment I'd receive the downfall of everything we had. I just can't imagine we'd end up like this.

He used to be my anchor.

I have been through so much. I've always had bad days, nightmares, struggles about fighting my own inner demons, and I've experienced different kinds of traumas, wherein he's the only one who gave me the reason to continue living— yet here we are, acting like we're back to strangers.

Pero kahit gaano pa kalalim yung pinag-samahan namin, 'di naman ako para maghabol sa taong walang balak mag-pahabol.

After getting the justice that my mom deserved after 2 years of her death, Zephyr didn't show around. Of course, he'd stop seeing me. He has his valid reason to stop seeing me after that. But he should've known better what to do!

We're better than this kind of s**t; this kind of cold treatment. Ang dami na naming pinagsamahan. Dapat alam niyang 'di ko namang gugustuhing mawala siya sa buhay ko.

Nakakadismaya.

Maayos akong nakatayo sa harapan niya kahit halos mawalan na 'ko ng lakas na makita siyang wala ng gana sa 'kin... I can't blame him though, wala na rin naman akong gana sa sarili ko. I may have survived everything that happened in my life, but I can't keep lying to myself that I can surely survive my life— I tried, but I can never keep trying.

He was sitting comfortably with his bare chest at his bed while I'm just here, standing firmly in front of him. He couldn't even give me a look no matter how hard I tried to catch his stares.

"Zephyr..." Halos kapusin ako ng hininga nang tumama ang tingin ko sa hubad niyang dibdib, kassandra was engraved to his skin. He only got that tattoo a months ago. Nakakatawa at nakakadismayang isipin na ilang b'wan pa lang yung pangalan ko sa balat niya, ngunit heto na agad kami... tinatapos na lahat ng pinagsamahan namin.

"Kausapin mo naman ako." My face was faintly staring at him as he kept on avoiding my gaze.

He cupped his head with his left hand as he started getting a cigarette from his pocket with his right hand.

Sigarilyo nanaman.

I almost rolled my eyes at that but I couldn't even roll my eyes because I felt my tears starting forming into my eyes. Ayokong magsilabasan ang mga luha ko sa harapan niya. Napapagod na 'kong iyakan siya.

"Akala ko ba... tapos ka na sa sigarilyong 'yan? You promised me so many times," I almost yelled at him, but I maintained to stay calm. This is not the right time to argue about that.

Sinindihan niya ang sigarilyo. "Kailangan, Freya." He paused, tried to look at me but immediately continued escaping my stares. "Kailangan ko 'to. Pabayaan mo nalang."

"Makikipag-usap ka ba sa 'kin ng maayos o hindi?" Diretsong tanong ko.

I heard his heavy sigh as he slowly turned his head to look at me. His eyes were shining with merely restrained emotion.

Yung tipong alam mong nasasaktan na siya, nahihirapan, napapagod... pero gusto ka pa ring ipaglaban? Kaso lang, wala ng gana. Nawawalan na ng pag asa. Which I totally understand, kasi ano ba naman ang laban namin kung pareho na kaming nawawalan na ng gana sa isa't isa?

"Anong gusto mong pag-usapan?" He asked as he began smoking his damn cigarette.

Bahagya akong humakbang paatras dahil ayaw kong nahahagip ng sigarilyong 'yan. Leche siya. Puro sigarilyo. Palagi nalang. Leche siya talaga.

I clenched both of my fists and chewed my lower lip before answering him. I have to be brave because if I were to be vulnerable with him, it won't help the situation.

I firmly believe that I need to ask this question. We both needed an answer for this. "Ayaw mo na?"

Silence.

We were surrounded by silence. He didn't answer, but the side of his lips rose to a sarcastic little smirk.

I waited him to answer kahit napapagod na 'kong mag intay ng isasagot niya. Para akong tanga dito na nakatayo sa harap niya habang nakaupo siya sa kama niya't abala sa pagtapos ng sigarilyo niya.

When he finally finished his cigarette, I was hoping he'd utter a word but none came out from his mouth. He got another cigarette instead. Tuluyan na 'kong napairap sa inis.

Nakakatamad siya.

He threw me a glance. I saw how tears were forming into his eyes as he stared at me hopelessly.

My lips parted when I realized he still makes my heart flutter whenever he smokes. Weird, but I always find him irresistibly attractive every time he smokes. Pero madalas ko naman siyang pagbawalan. Napag-usapan na naman namin iyon dati pa; na hindi maganda sa kalusugan niya ang sigarilyo. He promised not to smoke again. He promised many times.

But here he goes again. 'Di ko na siya maintindihan.

Tumalikod na 'ko kasabay ng pagpatak ng luha ko na agad kong pinunasan. Binalak kong lumabas na ng kwarto niya dahil hindi ako para magsayang ng oras sa kanya kung wala naman siyang balak makipag-usap ng maayos sa 'kin.

Mahina akong napamura dahil sa pagkadismaya. Dapat talaga 'di ko nalang siya pinuntahan. Wala akong napala.

"May magagawa pa ba 'ko, Freya? Kahit ano namang gawin ko, 'di magiging sapat para ipaglaban ka. Pagod na 'ko."

I was finally holding the door knob when he began to speak. I loosened my grip as I repeatedly wiped every tear sliding through my cheeks because of what he said.

Hindi ko siya nilingon pero malalim akong nagpakawala ng buntong hininga.

"Sabi mo... papakasalan mo pa 'ko." My voice almost cracked from disappointment. "You promised to marry me, Zephyr... bakit biglang mawawalan ng gana? Bakit ka naman gan'yan?"

Halos bumagsak na ang mga balikat ko.

Ayaw ko siyang lingunin dahil alam kong umiiyak na rin siya. Rinig ko na ang bawat hikbi niyang pinipigilan niya. At ayokong makita siyang umiiyak dahil paniguradong kusang hahakbang ang mga paa ko papalapit sa kanya, yayakapin siya, papatahanin, at sasabihin na magiging maayos din ang lahat kahit hindi naman. Kahit sobrang labo na.

"Freya naman. Gugustuhin mo bang magpakasal sa 'kin? Sa anak ng pu—" I heard him gasped. "s**t. I couldn't even say the words! Nakakakilabot."

I didn't try looking back at him.

"You should've just trusted what we have, you should've trusted me..." My chest tightened as I kept trying so hard to stop these damn stupid tears.

Malalim akong bumuntong hininga at kinalma ang sarili. Wala na akong panahong umiyak at magmakaawa.

Ubos na ubos na 'ko.

"I better go now... mag iingat ka palagi." I firmly said as I held the door knob once again. I'll make sure I'll finally leave this room peacefully. At hinding hindi ko na siya babalikan.

"Kung pagod ka, mas pagod ako," I breathlessly mumbled. Those was the last words I said.

Nakalabas na 'ko sa kwarto niya pero 'di nakatakas sa aking pandinig ang sunod na sinabi niya.

Muling bumuhos ang luha mula sa mata ko at halos gawin ko na ang lahat ng makakaya ko upang hindi lumingon sa kanya, at magmakaawang 'wag naman sana ganito.

Pero 'di naman ako desperada para maghabol sa kanya. Ginawa ko na naman ang lahat para makipag-ayos. Kung ayaw niya, hindi na 'ko mamimilit pa.

"We were always meant to say goodbye, weren't we?" Never in my life I imagined him saying these words to me— yet here he goes; ending everything as if I was that easy to replace with. And maybe he's right. Kasi sino ba naman ako?

~•~