Over the Mountain

CHAPTER 29: FAULT

CHAPTER 29: FAULT

“Your…your mom is gone,”

If only I could slap Aunt Karen’s face, I would definitely do it right after what she said. But the tears in her eyes weakened my body. Aunt Karen never throws a joke like this. She’s a doctor and a very professional person. I was about to tell her to back off because she isn’t funny when she offers me the phone she’s holding. On the screen, flashes are my dad’s name and the call is still ongoing.

I immediately snap the phone and talk to dad but when I hear his sob, my world suddenly falls. Aunt Karen wasn’t lying as dad confirmed it with his own words. And every word he tells is piercing my heart. I shut my eyes and let myself break down. I cried too hard because…my mom is gone.

Paano? Paanong umabot sa ganitong punto ang lahat!? Mom and I were just excited to see each other but why!? Naikuyom ko ang aking palad at malakas na napaiyak. Noong isang araw lang ay nagkasundo kami na bibisita siya rito at tsaka ko naman ipapakita ang sarili kong condo unit na nabili ko rin sa sarili kong sweldo. It’s been a year since I graduated from college and started my job. Just like what I promised, I never came back to that place. Even to visit it. Si Mommy at Daddy ang madalas na bumibisita sa akin dito. Minsan ay kasama si lola pero madalas ay hindi. At katulad ng usapan ay si Mommy ang bibisita sa akin ngayong araw dahil hindi ko nais pang bumalik at tumapak sa lugar na iyon. Ni makinig nga sa balita tungkol sa lugar na iyon ay hindi ko ginagawa. Iniwasan ko ang lahat ng bagay na kaugnay sa lugar na iyon.

Maayos ang naging taon ko bagaman madalas ay nami-miss ko pa rin ang lugar at madalas ko pa ring maalala ang taong iyon. Pero pinandigan ko ang aking desisyon at ni minsan ay hindi na tumapak pabalik doon. Pero bakit ganoon? Paanong umabot sa ganitong punto? Paanong ang maayos kong mga taon ay biglang naglaho? Mula ng mawala si lolo ay umayos na ako. Hindi na ako umiinom ng alak, naninigarilyo at nagpa-party gabi-gabi. Pero bakit biglang ganito? Nasayang lang ba ang pagpili kong maging mabuting anak?

“Sielan…” Levi calls and immediately snaps the glass in my hand. “You are wasted,”

“Give me that, Levi,” I said.

“No. You are waste, Sielan! Magpahinga ka na dahil luluwas pa tayo patungong Davao,”

I clench my jaw when I heard the place’s name. “Just give me that, Levi.”

“No.”

“Fine,” I said and stands up to leave her there.

It’s been the second day since mom died but I still couldn’t accept it. And I will never be going to accept it. I cannot accept that she’s gone. I cannot that she had already left me. I cannot accept that mom will be no longer around. It’s painful. It’s very painful that I couldn’t help but just disappear and followed her. But dad…dad will be alone. I shook my head and cried out my heart again. I cannot accept this. I just can’t…that’s why I run away when the next day.

Alam kong mali ang ginawa kong pagtakbo at dapat ay naroon ako kina Aunt Karen at kasamang luluwas sa Davao para sa lamay ni Mommy. Pero hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang tumapak roon at ang sasalubong sa akin ay ang wala ng buhay na si Mommy. Hindi ko kaya kung kaya’t tumakbo ako palayo. Katulad nang dati. Tumakbo ako palayo dahil sobrang sakit. Sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko.

“Bakit anak? Bakit hindi ka sumama rito para makita mo ang iyong Mommy.”

“I’m sorry, dad. But I just can’t,” I said and cried.

“Sierra, bumalik ka na,” pakiusap niya pero umiling ako.

“I’m really sorry, dad. But that place broke my heart. And mom’s death added to the pain. Paano pa ako babalik niyan, daddy? Kung dyan namatay si Mommy…”

“The place didn’t do anything to your mom, Sierra. Aksidente ang lahat. Hindi ang lugar na ito ang pumatay sa kaniya.”

“Pero ang lugar na iyan ang magpapa-alala sa akin ng pagkamat niya,”

“Don’t think of that, Sierra. Please, come back here,”

“I love you, daddy. But I’m sorry. I will never come back there,”

Just like what I have been doing, I stand by my decision and didn’t come back there. At exactly five days of running away, I decided to come home to Aunt Karen’s house. I came back to being the party girl. I drink, I smoke and I party. Whenever I go home, I am wasted. Always wasted from the strong drinks, smokes, and dance. I became back to my old self. I came back to being a party brat girl again.

Pinagpatuloy ko ang buhay ko sa pang-araw-araw ngunit alam ko sa aking sarili na mayroon ng kulang. Hindi ko na maramdaman ang kalahati ng aking buhay simula ng mamatay si Mommy. Madalas akong tawagan ni Daddy pero palagi ko siyang tinatakbuhan. I always tell him that I am busy. At sa tuwing bibisita siya ay sinasadya kong mag-overtime sa trabaho. At sa tuwing gabi ay nasa club na agad, nagpa-party at nag-iinom. I didn’t care at all. All I want is to get drunk and wasted. And that’s what I did for the rest of the month until to the following month. Because of that, I lost my job when someone complained about me, stealing, and bedding her husband which is a large false because I never bed someone or that someone never bed me. My boss doesn’t believe that, and he believes on me, so I stayed. But then I feel tired of working so I leave on my own. I just stayed in the club and becomes the queen of the night club.

They see me socializing, having fun in the club, and smiling. But I am not happy. I am lost and sad at the same time. And no one notices it. When dad learns about my current lifestyle, he immediately orders me to come back there but I refuse, like what I always do. He often calls me, but I always drop the call.

I was like that for months as I continue to follow what I want without hearing their concerns. Levi and Carlo always invite me to hang around with them, but I always refuse them. They want me to bond with them, but I choose to distance myself. I thought I was making the best decision to numb myself, but I realized everything when Aunt Karen exploded.

“Huwag kang umasta na parang ikaw lang ang nasasaktan at nahihirapan, Sielan!” sigaw niya pagka-uwi ko matapos nanamang takbuhan si daddy na bumisita sa akin. “Huwag kang umasta na para bang ikaw lang ang labis na nagda-dalamhati. Huwag kang umasta na para bang ikaw lang ang nawalan!” sigaw niya. “Dahil hindi, Sielan. Hindi ka nag-iisa!” sabay hagulhul niya.

“Aunt Karen…”

“Huwag kang umasta na ikaw lang ang nawalan, nasasaktan at nagluluksa dahil hindi, Sielan! Hindi ka nag-iisa! Nawalan din ako! Nawalan tayong lahat! Nawalan ako ng isang mabuti at mapag-mahal na kapatid! Nawalan ng isang mapag-mapagmahal na asawa ang daddy mo! Napaka-laki ng nawala sa kaniya at ikaw, ikaw na natira ay pilit pa siyang tinatakbuhan!”

“I-I’m so—”

“Your dad loves your mom so much! Kung paano kang labis na nasasaktan ay doble iyon sa kaniya! Nawalan siya ng asawa at nawala sa kaniya ang ina ng anak niya! And you, instead of sharing him your pain and sharing him your strength, you are just adding more pain to him!” sigaw ni Aunt Karen na siyang gumising sa aking diwa. “Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit, Sielan. Bakit mas pinili mong tumakbo kaysa ang sumama sa amin para makita ang mommy mo kahit sa huling pagkakataon lang.”

I bow my head because I am ashamed. “I-I’m sorry…”

“We choose to understand you, Sielan. But you are now too much. Pinili naming intindihan ka. Pero sa tingin ko ay kailangan ko itong sabihin para magising at matauhan ka,” aniya sabay tingin sa akin.

“Aunt…”

“Don’t act like you are the victim because the truth is, everything is your fault,” she sharply said that hit me right through my heart. “Imbes na sumunod ka ay nagmatigas ka lalo. Imbes na yumuko ka sa magulang mo ay sila ang pinayuko mo. Ayaw mong bumalik o bumisita roon kaya sila na lang ang bumibisita rito,” dagdag ni Aunt Karen. “Your mom got into an accident while she’s on her way to go to airport to visit you here. At ngayon ay ginagawa mo ulit sa iyong daddy. Do you want to lose another parent?” matapang niyang sagot na ikina-iling ko. “Umayos ka, Sielan. Dahil wala ang sakit na nararanasan mo ngayon kung hindi dahil sa pagmamatigas mo. I’m sorry, Sielan…but it’s your fault.”

I bit my lower lip and bow my head as tears fall down to my cheeks. Aunt Karen was right…it was my fault. Everything was my fault.