Over the Mountain

CHAPTER 28: LETTER

CHAPTER 28: LETTER

I shut my eyes hard when the words that mommy said the last time, we call rings on my ears again. I sigh deeply and just drink straight my shot. Of course, we are in the club again. Who wouldn’t be here it’s already the semestral break? No one. Our semestral break just started the other day, but we’ve been partying for straight days until now. We’ve been consuming our breaks because once the new semester begins, our schedule will be hectic again and the partying will get limited and goes back to every Friday night again.

But even though I am partying for straight days, my mind is still somewhere else.

“You seem like not enjoying the party anymore,” Drake said. He is one of Carlo’s friends.

I shook my head. “I am just in a deep thought lately,”

“About those guys who are still pursuing you?” he asks casually.

I wince. “I don’t have time to mind them.”

“If you need someone to listen, you know that you can count on me, right? Just tell me.” He said and taps my shoulder. “Do not stress yourself too much and just have fun,”

Among brother Carlo’s friends, Drake is the second person next to Kuya Carlo who is mature and serious. You can talk to him about how rives flow and he won’t get bored. He is a good conversationist and he listens very well. I wanted to tell him what was bothering me, but I feel shy. Because I haven’t told anyone about my life in that province. Even in my cousin. Though I told some real stories, most stories are fiction.

I shook my head. Drake is still a stranger. He might be Kuya Carlo’s dearest friend but I still don’t feel like telling him my agony. So, I just kept it to myself. I don’t have friends as well. Friends that are trustworthy and transparent. All I have are just classmates and colleagues whom I can only talk about the party, school, and club stuff. But about life? That’s a big no, no. Aside from they can’t surely relate, they will just also relay my story to their friends. Which is a very bad thing.

Sinubukan kong alisin ang bumabagabag sa isipan at tsaka na lang sinubukang aliwin ang aking sarili pero wala pa ring nangyari. Nakaka-ilang shots na rin ako pero hindi pa rin ako tinatamaan ng kalasingan. Hindi ko na rin maramdaman ang saya sa loob ng club kahit pa napaka-ingay ng music kaya naman ay nagdesisyon na lamang akong umuwi. Pero dahil maaga pa ay siguradong gising pa ang mga katulong sa bahay ni Tita. Sasalubungin pa nila ako at aasikasuhin. Maaamoy lamang nila ang hininga kong amoy alak. Kaya naman ay nagpasya muna akong dumaan sa isang twenty-four-hour convenient store and himasmasan ang sarili ko.

“Balitang Davao naman tayo. Mt. A—”

“Bagong palabas ni Megan, inaabangan ng karamihan…”

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako ng mabilis na ilipat ng tauhan sa convenient store ang channel station na kasalukuyang naka-flash sa telebisyon. Wala naman akong balak manood ng balita pero nang marinig ko ang lugar ay kusa na lang nakuha ang atensyon ko. Alam ko kung anong espisipikong lugar ang susunod na babanggitin ng nagbabalita ngunit mabilis namang nailipat iyon. Siguro ay mas mainam na rin iyon para hindi na lalo makadagdag sa iisipin ko.

I opened the cup of my coffee and blew its stem before sipping on it while I stare outside the glass wall. The lights from the different establishments are very bright and it’s giving the street life at night. This is city life. Very lively and bright even at night.

Sunod-sunod ang pagbukas ng pinto ng convenient store ngunit nanatili sa labas ang aking paningin habang umiinom ng kape nang bigla na lamang may magkasintahan na naupo sa lamesang nasa unahan ko. Hindi ko nais tumingin sa kanila ngunit hindi ko rin maiwasan na huwag tumingin. They are very comfortable as the guy serves the girl. Nakangiti ng malapad ang babae habang patuloy siyang pinagsisilbihan. And unconsciously a picture of me and him in that state flashed on my mind. I immediately closed my eyes and discarded that image.

Bakit…bakit hanggang ngayon ay ikaw pa rin ang…mahal ko? Bakit hanggang ngayon ay nandito ka pa rin sa puso ko? Bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi mo pa rin nililisan ang isipan ko? Pilit na kitang kinakalimutan pero bakit hindi ko magawang magtagumpay? Gusto na kitang makalimutan. Gusto ko nang makalimutan ang lahat…

“Oh, akala ko ay tulog ka na. Mayroon kang lakad?” tanong ni Manang Lea—ang mayordoma ng bahay nang makasalubong ako.

Napangiwi ako dahil akala niya ay paalis pa lang ako. So, I have to lie now. “Magkikita sana kami ng mga kaibigan ko. Kaso ay tinamad ako.” Lame excuse.

“Ganoon ba. O sige at magpahinga ka na lamang,” aniya. “Ay siya nga pala, may dumating kang sulat. Pasensya na at nakalimutan kong ibigay kanina. Nawala sa isipan ko.”

“Ayos lang po, Manang.”

“Sandali at kukunin ko ang sulat para sa’yo,”

“Huwag na po,” mabilis kong pigil. “Saan po ba at ako na lang ang kukuha?”

“Sigurado ka?” tanong niya kaya tumango ako. “Naroon sa cabinet na iyon. Doon ko natatandaang pinaglagyan ko,”

“Sige po, Manang. Ako na po ang kukuha. Magpahinga na kayo.”

Tumango si Manang sa akin at tsaka nagpasalamat. I watch her go to her room on the ground floor, on the last corner and that’s when I only move to check the cabinet. I immediately found the letter but when I hold it, grandpa’s smiling face flashed on my mind. I stare at the letter for a second before sighing. I close the cabinet’s door and then I climb the stairs to go to my room while holding the letter.

I put down the letter in front of my bed and sit downs to remove my shows. I then walks on my closet to change my clothes in a more comfortable one after I took a bath. Pagkatapos ko ay sumampa na ako sa aking kama at tsaka matagal na tinitigan ang liham. Para bang pakiramdam ko ay marami ang nilalaman ng sulat ni lolo. Paano kung saan sulat niya ay hihilingin niyang umuwi ako roon at samahan si lola? Mapagbibigyan ko ba? Nangako na ako sa aking sarili na hindi na ako babalik kailan doon.

I sigh and decide to open the letter. Isang pirasong papel lamang ang laman ng sobre at hindi ko maiwasang maamoy ang amoy ng payapang probinsyang iyon sa papel na hawak. Hinayaan ko ang aking sarili na namnamin ang amoy niyon hanggang sa magpasya na akong buksan at basahin ang sulat.

Sierra,

         How are you, my lovely sweetie? It’s been a long time since I call you that. I wonder if you still like to be called like that. I miss you. Please don’t cringe. Maybe you are wondering why I wrote you a letter. Truth is, I also don’t know why. I just found myself writing you a letter. But since I have started it now, then let me proceed and finish it.

         How’s the city life? Do you love it? Or are you having a problem adjusting there? But since you are Sierra, I believe that you already adjusted there. Kamusta ka apo? Hindi mo ba nami-miss ang lugar na ito? Hindi mo ba hinahanap-hanap ang katahimikan at kapayapaan dito? Alam mo bang nasisiguro ko noong nagdesisyon kang umalis ay wala ka nang magiging balak na bumalik pa rito. Iyon na ba ang desisyon mo apo? Hindi ka na ba babalik dito? Hindi mo na ba gusto ang lugar na ito? Alam kong nasaktan ka apo. Katulad ng bundok tuwing pinuputulan ng puno ay umiiyak at nagdaramdam. Alam kong iyon ang nararamdaman mo. Pero hindi ba’t ang bundok, bagaman palaging nasasaktan ay pilit pa ring bumabangon at patuloy na lumilikha muli ng mga puno? The mountains keep on reproducing even how painful it is experiencing as they cut trees illegally. Hindi mo ba nais iyon, Sierra? Don’t you want to forgive even how painful you felt? Wala ako sa disposisyon mo para magdesisyon para sa’yo, apo. Pero katulad ng dati, ang nais at hinihiling ko para sa’yo ang sarili mong kapayapaan at katahimikan. Sana, kahit labis kang nasaktan ng pag-ibig ay piliin mong magpatawag upang mapalaya ang sakit at tuluyang ang kapayapaan ay iyong makamit.

         Sierra, he came here that day right after you leave. Truth is, he’s been here as you lock yourself on you room. Palagi siyang nasal abas at pilit kang tinatanaw sa iyong bintana. Naghihintay na tanawin mo rin pabalik. But you never glance at him. Hindi kita sinisisi, Sierra. Pero ang nais ko ay sana…sana ay piliin mo ang kapayapaan ng iyong puso. At kung ang kapayapaan na iyon ay matatagpuan mo sa isang taong nanakit din sa’yo, huwag kang matakot na sumubok muli.

         Because true love is those braves enough to love again even after the pain. Because true love is those that hurt you but heal you as well.

         Hindi ko alam kung mahihintay pa kitang makabalik rito, apo. Pero kung hindi man na, sana…sana ay darating pa rin ang panahon na babalik ka rito. Dahil nasisiguro kong narito ang tunay mong tahanan. Narito ang kapayapaan na para sa’yo. And Sierra, try to look back once again for you to be able to find your way home. But if you don’t and you’ll be lost someday, then believe that fate will do the work in returning you home to where you truly belong.

         And I believe that you belong in the dangerous yet peaceful mountain.

         Mahal kita, apo. Mahal na mahal ka namin.



Grandpa,

“Grandpa…” I whisper as I hug the letter and cry a river. “P-Patawad…patawad dahil hindi ko na n-nais pang b-bumalik sa l-lugar na iyon…”