Over the Mountain

CHAPTER 27: LOST

CHAPTER 27: LOST

“Y-Your grandpa’s gone…”

Hearing those words, the pain I felt years ago came back like a wave of a tornado. It totally breaks my heart. My legs shake so I have to stop walking, hold on to the wall and rest there. I…I couldn’t accept the news that mom has just sent me. I…I couldn’t accept that grandpa’s gone! I closed my eyes tight and tried my best to keep my stand. With my shaking legs, I immediately run to the comfort room and that’s where I let my tears fall. Mom cried with me over the phone. She was sobbing and I could also hear my dad and my…grandpa. Their sobs are so painful for me to hear. I couldn’t handle the pain that they are going through now, especially my grandma.

I closed my eyes tight again and held my sobs as my memories with grandpa flashed on my mind. His good gestures to me. Him spoiling me. Him comrading me against grandma. And him…wishing me to have my own kind of peace.

“H-He…wants to see you or even talk to you before he goes, darling. But I can’t reach you last night. And I…I ask you to go here even for one day only but…you refuse,” Mom said which is true. “B-But we don’t blame you, darling. It’s just that…that was already his last wish.”

“T-That I failed to f-fulfill,” I answered while sobbing.

“Shh, please don’t blame yourself, darling,” Mom hush me. “Your grandpa won’t be happy if you blame yourself. He left with a light heart. And he…he has a message for you.”

“What did…he say to me?”

“He wrote, Sierra. Are you going to get it yourself? Are you coming home?”

I purse my lips. “It would be too late, Mom,” I said. “If I come home, it’s too late. Hindi na ako makikita ni lolo.”

“Hindi ka uuwi,” pahayag ni Mommy kaya ay muli akong napahikbi.

“I’m sorry, Mommy,”

“It’s okay, darling. Hindi ka namin pipilitin. But we do hope that your mind will change,”

Hindi ko na nagawa pang sumagot. Humikbi na lamang ako at tsaka na ipinasa ni Mommy ang telepono kay Daddy. I also apologize to dad for not coming home. Sandali siyang nanahimik bago ko marinig ang nakaka-intindi niyang pagbuntong-hininga. Then I talk to my grandma next. We both cried together and then I also apologize to her. She said that it’s okay, but I know that she wants me to come home. Alam kong gusto-gusto na nilang bumalik doon. O kahit bumisita man lang pero sa tuwing aayaw ako ay hindi na sila namimilit pa. Ni minsan ay hindi nila ako pinilit at palagi lamang pina-paunlakan ang mga nais ko.

Matapos ang tawag ay sandali pa akong nanatili sa loob ng comfort room at hinayaan ang sarili kong damdamin ang pagkawala ni lolo. Maging ang huling pag-uusap namin sa kusina noong umagang iyon ay nanumbalik sa isipan ko. Mariin akong napapikit dahil nakukuha ko na ang punto niya noon. Pero…pero hindi ko na nais pang bumalik sa lugar na iyon. Nai-iling ko ang aking ulo.

Hindi na ako babalik pa sa lugar na iyon.

“I got the news from Mommy. And she immediately asks me to look after you,” Levi said as she places our food on the table. “My deepest sympathy with you, Sielan.

I nod at her. “I never heard about him getting weak already,”

“Baka hindi talaga nila ipinaalam sa’yo?”

“Hindi ko alam. Siguro ay ganoon na nga. Masakit pa rin,”

“Of course, it will. That’s the most painful thing in life. When the one you love leaves you. For real. Iyong hindi na babalik kahit pa hilingin mong bumalik.”

Marahan kong naiyuko ang aking ulo at muling napaluha. Levi immediately comforted me. Mabuti na lamang at nasa corner kami ng cafeteria kaya ay hindi kami magiging center of attraction. Ilang sandali lang ay si kuya Carlo naman ang dumating at mabilis akong inalo. Their comfort helps me to calm down. But I couldn’t feel the right peace that I am looking. Hindi ko natagpuan ang kapayapaan na nais ko sa kanilang yakap. I sigh. Since I moved here, the peace I have in my heart and soul has been nowhere to be found.

Bagaman mabigat ang aking pakiramdam ay sinikap ko pa ring kumain upang mayroong laman ang aking tyan. I was able to finish my food and then, but my feeling is still gloomy. I am mourning my grandpa’s death. And Levi was right. This one is painful for grandpa will never come back anymore. Even how I wish for him.

I was grieving to grandpa’s death and what I thought that will help me is the club. I was grieving but I didn’t stop myself from going to club, drink, and smoke. Bagaman nangda-dalamhati ay patuloy pa rin akong nagtutungo sa club, patuloy pa rin akong nagpa-party at umiinom. Hanggang sa mailibing si lolo ay hindi talaga ako nagpakita. Hindi talaga ako umuwi roon.

“How are you, darling?” Mom asks.

I put down my pen and sigh. “I’m getting better, Mom. Ikaw?”

“I’m getting better too, darling.”

“Si lola?”

Silence. Isang mahabang katahimikan muna ang namayani sa pagitan namin ni Mommy. “I think getting better too?”

“Hindi ka sigurado,” sambtit ko.

“Yes. Because she may be smiling when we are around but who knows what’s going through behind their room’s door?”

I bit my lower lip. “Grandpa loves grandma so much,”

“Your grandma loves your grandpa as well. Sobra. She loves him so much that she accepted and embraces the life of the mountain just so she could be your grandpa. Kaya naman alam kong masakit para sa lola mo ang pagkawala ng iyong lolo.”

I opened my mouth to ask about someone that is dearly close to my grandma, but I immediately stops myself because it will just lead this conversation to him. “Grandma will get through this,”

“She will. But there will always be a longing in her heart. Magiging maayos din siya. Pero palagi na niyang mararamdaman na mayroong kulang. Dahil ganoon naman ang buhay, anak. Basta ang taong mahal mo ang nawala, palagi mo nang mararamdaman na mayroong kulang. Sa buhay mo, at sa puso mo.”

I don’t know if mommy is still referring to grandma or she is already referring to me. Since I moved here, she just ask how I am, but she never asks about him. About what I feel for him. About what happened before. Hindi ni minsan binabanggit ni mommy sa akin ang tungkol sa kaniya. Ang tungkol sa nararamdaman ko sa kaniya. At ang tungkol sa nangayari noon. I know that she’s curious, but maybe she’s just respecting my decision not to talk about him. Dahil ni minsan ay hindi ko rin naman siya binanggit.

“Your grandma will always your grandpa. Iyon nga lang, kapag nami-miss niya ay hindi na niya mayayakap pa. Iyon ang masakit at mahirap. Iyong hind mo na kailan pa matatanaw, mayayakap at maaabot ang taong mahal mo,”

“Mom…” hindi ko na napigilan pang sambit. Pakiramdam ko ay ako na talaga ang pinapatamaan niya.

Narinig ko ang mahina niyang pagtawa. “What?” she asks, chuckling.

“You are teasing me,” sambit ko naman.

“Natatamaan ka ba, anak? Bakit naman?” pangungusisa niya.

“Dahil hindi ko na rin mayayakap at matatanaw si lolo,” pagpapalusot ko na may halong katotohanan.

“Your grandma asks your grandpa not to leave her,” Mom said. “Sinubukang maghabol ng lola mo pero tuluyan ng umalis ang lolo mo.”

Why does it feel like mom is saying those words with a double meaning?

“But your grandma realizes that she has to let your grandpa go,” she added. “Kahit ayaw niya pa. Pero tinanggap na lamang niyang aalis na ang lolo mo.”

“What are you trying to say, Mommy?” I finally ask which made her chuckle.

“Ipinadala ko na ang sulat ni Dad diyan sa’yo,” pag-lihis niya sa tanong ko. Pagkatapos ay mahabang katahimikan ang namayani sa pagitan namin. “Try to look back for once, Sielan Errania. Or else, you will be forever lost.”