To have and to loathe

Hope I'd never do it. I mean... This wasn't me. Nah, no, nada, nil, zilch. It couldn't be me. I was the responsible one. The one always prepared, always early and on time. On weekdays, I worked my butt off at the diner and on weekends I stayed huddled up in the book store down the block. That right there was the full autobiography of my life. Pretty basic and plain, and I was the last person you'd expect to worry about an accidental pregnancy. So why the hell did I just spend a hundred bucks on a box of target-brand pregnancy tests? Three words. I. f****d. Up. Rewind two months back to Pampam's bachelorette party and my insistence on staying home because attending a c**k fest and seeing a bunch of naked p*****s writhing at me wasn't exactly on my to-do list, but Lesley being the persistent friend she was, didn't take no for an answer. "There aren't going to be naked c***s, Hope. It's a strip club, not pornhub." She reasoned, taking off my reading glasses. "Besides... It's not gonna hurt you to see some real-time peen." And just like that, she'd dragged me out of the confines of my small condo, and made me put on a skimpy black dress that had me looking like Roxy the stripper. But my point is, Lesley had pushed me into the domain of ripped, defined men pole-dancing, hip-grinding, booty-shaking. Give it a few drinks or two and I was tipsy-not drunk but not exactly sober either, and to worsen my situation, this stranger in a dark suit kept staring at me with intrigue. He sat alone at the bar, and f**k, even if I held his gaze, he still looked at me, one eyebrow arched and the corner of his mouth lifting in a sexy smile. I'd spare you the candid details but I'd be evil if I didn't point out how hot he was. Jesus forgive me but this man was a walking s****l fantasy and I took pleasure in gawking at him. He was fit and toned and had a body made for s*x. The kind that could turn an uptight girl like me into a moron. He was like a dangerous demon sent by Satan to give women impure thoughts. He might've been the devil himself and that night, I'd been his number one victim. The memories manifested slowly, every detail flooding back like a heavy tsunami. He approached me on the dance floor, handed me a shot of tequila, and then leaned into me. "Are you here with anyone?" My brow rose with intrigue. "And why are you asking that?" He looked at me for a second or two, and then his lips twisted. "Because I want to f**k you and I want to know if there's anyone to worry about." Now, normally I wouldn't agree to this. I'd pour my drink on his face or slap him for asking such heinous things of me but he'd gotten me so hooked that I didn't mind being his f**k puppet for the night. And so, we left the club, finding ourselves in a hotel room, too drunk to care about anything else but the heat of passion sizzling between us. He'd slammed me against the bed, his lips fusing to mine, his hands doing ruin to my flesh, fingering out my first orgasm, and by the time he'd gotten up, rid himself of his pants and ripped a foil paper with his teeth, I'd already been lost. He'd driven into me so hard that my eyes rolled back from sudden pleasure-so intense that I had turned mush against the bed, but he had elevated me back up and went again, on the floor, the bed, the shower, the couch, against the sink, hard, slow and in-between. He pleasured me with his fingers, his tongue, and his c**k, and when it was all over, I collapsed into the bed, breathing out heavy breaths. Granted, it had been the hottest experience of my life. But what were the odds that after having s*x for the first time in months I'd wind up pregnant? It had been over two months since I hooked up with him and frankly, I couldn't remember every detail, except for the ones I tucked away in my memory bank for safekeeping and only revisited on lonely nights when it was just me and my...you know...vibrator. Aw f**k. You know what, maybe it was just a coincidence. I just needed to stop thinking the worst. My period had only been delayed by a month and six days. No biggy. I had irregular period flows sometimes. It was due to stress. It had to be stress. There was no way I was pregnant. I was just overeating and this test was going to give me the peace of mind I needed when it popped up with a big fat negative. Counting to five in my head, I turned to the counter full of tests. I'd flipped them all upside down, not wanting to look at them until the full amount of time had passed. You didn't need to tell me. I knew this was crazy, taking so many tests, and I still couldn't believe I'd spent so much on them all, but I was a realist and I had to be sure if there was a tiny life force inside of me or not. My front door opened and then flung shut. "What is so important that you made me leave work and drive all the way over here?" My best friend, Lesley, waltzed into my apartment, speaking as soon as she stepped in. I rushed out of the bath to meet her. "Great you're here. I was freaking the f**k out." "What's wrong. What happened?" "Well..." I pointed at the closed bathroom door. "I need you to look at something in there." She stared at the door and then swung her gaze to me. Her brows furrowed. "Hope, I'm sorry but I'm not going to look at your shit." "Ew, what the f**k? no." She sighed with relief. "Well then what?" "Just come see." I pulled her with me and led her into the bathroom. "There." I let her go and pointed to the pregnancy tests lined on the counter. Long seconds dragged on as she stared at it, then at me. "What the hell is this?" I bit my lip. "Just look at it and tell me what it says, please." Again, she glanced between it and me, then said, "Okay hold up, is there something I'm missing. Why the hell do you think you might be pregnant?" "For starters, I just figured I didn't bleed last month...and the one before that. " "Isn't that too fictitious for you to start peeing on multiple sticks? I mean...it's natural." She shrugged. "You stress yourself a lot." Trust me, I wanted...I so wanted to believe that was the case. "This is different. It feels different." I pressed a hand against my chest and cringed a little. "My boobs hurt bad and they look bigger." She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Sore breasts could mean you're about to start your period." "It doesn't!" I panicked. "Please just check okay..." "Fine." She rolled her eyes at me and narrowed it to the tests. "God...I can't believe I'm about to do this." Reluctantly, she took a step forward and I turned my back to her, not wanting to accidentally see the results. I nibbled on my lip nervously. For whatever reason, I felt certain that I would take the news better if it came from her. So I stood there and waited for her to either save my life or ruin it but the more she stayed silent, the more I got a little more anxious. "Please put me out of my misery and tell me what it says." At this point, I couldn't tell if the lump in my throat was from nausea or panic. Probably both. "Hope..." She called me, her voice trailing off. "You're not gonna like this..." Oh no no no no.