To have and to loathe

Chapter 3

Hope

"It's positive."

My heart sank as I swiftly turned to face the test results staring at me. "I-I'm... pregnant? I'm...really... pregnant...?"

It felt as though life had been sucked out of me. I slumped down on my closed toilet seat and lowered my head in my hands.

I was pregnant...really pregnant for a...Oh god. I didn't know anything about him. Aside from his name and the fact that he f****d good, I didn't know him. I mean, what if he was a serial killer. Or he was in the mafia? What if he was already married with kids and a beautiful wife. Oh my god!

My heart felt like it was going to break through the safe confines of my rib cage. I sniffed, but it didn't work. Tears burned my eyes and I brawled.

Lesley crouched down beside me and patted my shoulders. "You need to calm down, Hope. You're freaking out for no reason."

Now that was laughable. I sniffed and pulled my shirt up to wipe my nose. "At this point, I think I'm allowed to freak out. I got knocked up by a stranger I met in a strip club and I still don't even know why the hell a man like that was at a male strip club, to begin with."

God, I was such an i***t.

"Wait. Are you saying that super hot guy who talked with you at the bachelorette party is the father of your child?"

I felt sick again. "It sounds worse when you say it out loud."

"But I thought he used a condom, I mean you said he did."

"He did. I'm sure he did. I mean I saw a used condom on the floor." I turned to her. "Lesley he's the only guy I've slept with in months."

"Are you...keeping the baby?"

My chest felt tight.

Did I want this baby?

God, I'd never been so confused and conflicted in my entire life.

I didn't want to get rid of it but I didn't want to raise it on my own either because taking care of my own needs was enough struggle. I couldn't even afford my rent talk more of a baby, and the only thing keeping me from sleeping on the streets was my job at Joe's diner.

I took a sharp breath in, letting a few huddled tears fall. "I don't know what to do, I don't..."

"Oh, Hope," Her arms went around me. "Whatever decision you make, I'll be by your side. If you choose to let it go, fine. If you choose to keep it, great. You'll make a perfect mother and I can't see any child raised by you turning out any less than amazing."

"You think so?" I sobbed out, clinging to her shoulder.

"I know so," she affirmed, tapping my back. "Now wipe your tears. You look ugly when you cry."

I bawled into even more tears, knowing she was right. "Thank you, Les."

"Don't thank me." She pushed the tendrils of my hair away from my sweaty forehead and tucked them behind my ears. "This is what friends are for."

I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the backs of my hand. Romance novels made it so easy but in reality, getting knocked up by a stranger sucked. "Where do I go from here?"

She took a huge breath. "Well I'm no pregnancy expert but I think you should let the baby daddy know."

My heart jumped, my stomach clasped and I felt like throwing up. Getting pregnant was the easy part- meeting him, breaking the news-I could never. I didn't even know where he lived. He could be dead or on the other side of the world for all I knew.

"Even if I want to, I can't. I don't know anything about him."

"I'll get the info for you."

"How are you going to do it?"

"I have a friend who knows someone who does these things." She got up. "I think you need some time to come to terms with this. And it's probably best if I leave you alone while you do so." She held my hand and squeezed softly. "I'm only a phone call away okay? If you need me, I'll be here, but for now, maybe a little quiet time will be best."

I sniffed and nodded. She made a logical point. "Thanks, Les. Thanks for coming over. I probably wouldn't have gathered enough courage to check what the stick said. I love you."

She smiled grimly. "You're a smart girl, I know you'll figure this out. And I love you, too."

Once the door closed behind her, I headed into my room, flopped onto the bed, and cried my eyes out.