Finding Her Inner Wolf

Written Secrets

     Sitting cross legged in my tent with my hands lightly resting on my knees, I'm staring at the journals that lay in front of me. My brain is screaming at me to pick one up already and start reading. Unfortunately, my hands are frozen and no matter how much I will them to move, they don't. I want to know everything about Carmen, but there was also the side of me that felt abandoned and lost. Yet, these journals could hold answers. Finally, after what seems a lifetime, I manage to move my hands toward the journals. As if in slow motion I grab all four journals and hold them to look at the bindings. I see each date is actually a year, the earliest being 1980. I drop all the journals less the 1980 one.

     I clutch the dark navy blue journal, almost as if hugging it. Started feeling dizzy, as excitement and anticipation filled my head. Slowly moving fingers lightly touching the leather before unwrapping the leather strap and opening the journal. The pages look a bit aged and made of parchment. My mother's handwriting was a beautiful flowing script. Much better than my chicken scratch. The first page contained her name and year surrounded by hand drawn flowing pictures of a night sky. She had talent. Guess I have something in common with her. Though her art skills were much more advanced.

     After admiring the drawings on the first page for far longer than needed, I finally turned the page to see a portrait drawing. Tears filled my eyes at the sight of my parents. This portrait portrayed my parents drawn in ink and painted with watercolor. My father's tall muscular frame, squared jaw, short sandy hair, and green eyes. I could see military and tribal tattoos on both arms. Those arms are wrapped around my mother. Carmen looks happy, she's shorter than him. He is able to rest his chin on her head. She has dark brown/black hair in a side braid draping over her shoulder, bright green eyes, her face is slightly round. Her arms are rested in front of her with her hands forming a heart over her belly. I'm guessing she is pregnant with Sean.

     I wipe away my tears to prevent them from splashing the page and ruining the beautiful portrait. I'm still unsure who had left these for me, but I'm absolutely in their debt for giving me such a gift. I sat there crying silently studying every detail of the picture. In awe at how life like the image was. In the back of my mind I was feeling hope, but that feeling was still being weighed down by the years of abandonment I had felt. The feeling of dread I felt debating if I had the energy or will to turn the page and see what else was in store. I set the journal down having an inner battle with myself. I have been searching for so long to get my questions answered, and now that I have a chance to get them I'm finding myself holding back.

     "Come on you idgit! Turn the page!" surprising as I cursed myself. I took a deep breath and turned the page.

     My little Paige,

I am very excited to meet you. Your father and I are excitedly waiting in anticipation to your arrival. We have awhile to wait, as you aren't due for another 30 weeks. We have decided to wait until you are born to find out if you're a boy or girl. I have already started to dream of you and what you will look like. Wondering if you'll look more like your dad or myself. What kind of personality you'll have. I have my mother's intuition telling me you'll be a boy. I wish my parents were around to meet you, but they'll always be watching over us. Your dad has been going crazy thinking of all the things he'll be able to teach you. His parents seem pretty excited as well, more your grandmother than your grandfather. But I won't worry you with such stories. I wanted to keep something for you when you got older. A book filled with stories. Our stories.

With lots of love,

Mom

     I smiled at the thought that she had decided to keep a journal for her pregnancy. She sounded like any other mom to be. At least I know that her parents have passed on so that leg of the tree I won't be barking up, unless she had siblings. I know she's from Oregon, maybe I should head that direction. I'll just have to keep reading. I flipped the pages and could see that they were titled. First was weeks, I'm guessing for the pregnancy. Second, it switched to months, I'm guessing after Sean's birth. Last was years, so for after his first birthday. I was really having a wave of emotions falling out of me. Energy was almost at empty. Part of me wanted to stop and take a break....while my other side was pushing me to continue.

12 Weeks

My Little Paige,

Today marks the end of the 12th week. Had an appointment today, and your heart is strong. You are right now about the size of a chicken nugget. I've never understood comparing a size of a baby to a piece of fruit. Guess we're just different in so many ways. You will have so much to learn as you grow. But don't worry your dad and I are very ready for that adventure to begin. I have began to find that you will be anti-veggie. I can't get enough meat at meal times, but can barely stand the smell of veggies. Guess we'll have to work on that together. Your dad and I have been making our wish list for your room. We already have a crib, changing table, dresser, and chest for your treasures. I love to sit with the lid and drawers open to smell the sweet smell of the cherry wood. So the doctors say you should arrive about November 1st. But we shall see. This week has been busy, as we are getting the cabin ready for our friends and family for a huge dinner to announce your arrival. I've been dying to tell everyone already, but we wanted to surprise them and waited. Although, I'm sure many suspect. I can hardly wait. Otherwise our days are filled with daydreams, plans, and counting down the weeks.

With all my love,

Mom

     I could hardly think as the words rang through my head. She was really excited to become a mom. The more I read the more I wish I had been with her all this time. She really got the short end of the stick when it came to the system. I began to feel a bit of rage to this damn town and everyone in it. I slam the journal shut and drop it in my lap.

     The legal system failed her over and over. I guess you're guilty until proven innocent. The police jumped the gun with their investigation. The courts went way over board when they thought she was guilty and therefore unfit when they took her children away. I curse these morons! I could feel myself getting more angry. I know I should calm myself or else I'll go into a black out rage and those never end well.

     I start slowly taking deep breaths as I try to calm myself. I try thinking of people or moments that bring me peace. Without even realizing it I have opened the journal to the portrait of my parents. I feel an instant calm wash over me. I feel entirely relaxed within minutes. I rub my temples and let out an exasperated breath. I'm beginning to get a migraine. I reach over into my pack and grab my trusty Excedrin. I take 2 with a can of pop. The caffeine seems to help a nudge.

     I picked up my phone and checked my notification bar. Hmm, quiet day. Thank god for that. It was about noon. My head throbbed and I was sweating badly. Really could use a cool dip but this migraine isn't going to allow that. Should eat something, but I can't stand the thought of food right now. I think I'm going to sleep this jackhammer in my head off.

I laid back and began flip flopping trying to get comfortable. Wishing I could just drift off. The light coming through the tent felt like I was looking at flares. The slightest sound from anything including myself was amplified by what can only be described as a military megaphone. I buried my face into my pillow and muffled the sound as best as I could. The only saving grace I have is I'm not working today.

     Time seemed to slow. Seconds seemed to be minutes, minutes into hours. Not sure how long I laid there before I finally drifted off. Sweet relief.