Finding Her Inner Wolf

Late Night Fires

Not sure how long I'd been sleeping, as if still in a dream I flutter my eyes open. The night sky is still dark with the glow of the stars shining bright. Stretching my body out of the contortionist maneuver I had managed to put myself in. The depletion of energy was still apparent, I still felt my skull pulsating as if it would explode. My vision wasn't any better, at this point I couldn't tell the difference between my starburst vision and the actual stars shining above. My eyes still burned from the tears that had flowed. I could still hear the words that were read, vividly see the beautiful artwork. I fought the urge to find the journal and read more. I wasn't sure my mind could take another sob fest.

Yet, with every reason I gave myself not to read I found myself reaching for the journal and staring once again at the cover. "UGH!!! What am I doing?" I'm not a damn chicken. I opened the journal to the next entry, took a deep breath:

My little Paige,

16 Weeks! Can you believe it? You are now the size of a dill pickle, which I can't get enough of! Pickles come from cucumbers so they are a vegetable right? I feel flutters and know it's you letting us know that you're there. I hope you enjoy the songs I sing to you, some are typical lullabies and children songs, but others have been passed down through the generations. Our family is unique in more ways than you can imagine. Your dad and I can't wait to show you just how awesome our family is. Your aunts and uncles can't wait to meet you. Everyone is excited to say the least. Your room is coming together so well and your dad and I have been having painting wars while decorating. He starts them but I finish them, this usually leaves us as well as the plastic covered in paint. There are times you wonder if we'll ever actually accomplish anything. Your father says having fun and making a mess is part of the process. I have to admit it makes our time together better. He has a lot on his plate right now. He is working with your grandpa to take his place when that day comes. I know he doesn't want to think about the day his father won't be around, but no one lives forever. There are other issues between the 2 of them, they aren't always on the same page as does happen with families. Eventually, when you are old enough to understand, we will sit down as a family and you will learn everything you will need to know. But until then you will be loved and raised with a pack worthy of our family heritage. Until your arrival I will be dreaming of you.

With all my love,

Mom

"Wow, sounds like grandpa has a bit of a temper, and what does she mean pack?" Wondering aloud.

The journals are really starting to leave more questions than answers. They are vague. The only point Carmen is very true about is the fact of her love of my father and brother. I really wish I could just find the missing answers to my questions I could get where I need to go. My eyes were starting to cross. I reached for my phone and realized it was dead, great. Flopping on my side like a beached whale I reach for my pack and fumble with the contents to find my watch. My fingers finally grasp the clasp and I bring to my eyes closely to fuzzily see the watch face, 3 A.M. Damn, I can't believe I slept so long. Well guess I could try and get some more reading done, even answer some of my questions holding my breath.

Sitting cross legged with the journal in my lap and watch wrapped in my fingers, rolling the thought of reading more inside the tent or sitting out in the night air with a fire. Didn't take long to decide that I would get out of this tent and enjoy some fresh night air. Putting my book of answers to the side and tossing the watch, I rolled onto my knees and reached for the zipper of the tent. Slowly pulling it open and being greeted with the sweet smells that the country has. The breeze carried the smell of grass and river water. The chirping of crickets was quite relaxing as was the faint sounds of cattle and horses created a symphony. I slowly crawled out on all fours of the tent and squat to listen a minute. Become one with nature so to speak.

Slowly standing and taking a deep breath of the crisp air, walk to the side of the tent where I have my wood pile. Grabbing a few chopped pieces and turn to walk toward my burn pit. This pit consists of a hole dug about a foot deep by a foot wide. This hole is covered by a metal grate. Over this is an old rusty barrel cut down to the first rib high. The sharp edge has been bent to a rounded curve to create a protective rounded surface as to not slice anything including hands. I tepee my wood around a small haystack of kindling, which is made of dry grass and bark. Around the fire pit all grass has been removed for approximately 2 feet diameter and covered in gravel. In the sides of the burn pit include 3 small one inch holes for the fire to breath.

I grab the matches from my tin box on top of the cooler and strike one. The sulfuric head sprays sparks and erupts in flame. I shield the dancing flame from the breeze that flows around me. I slowly lower it to the kindling and watch it dance as it glows and bounces from ember to flame. The logs are slowly kissed by the flames before they themselves start the slow burning of fire and ember. A small fire in the dark is almost mesmerizing. It's calming and peaceful. As long as my memory lets me go back I can remember feeling most at home outside the city. Walking over to the tent I reach in and grab the hunter green journal. I grasp it tightly to my chest and find my stump before braving my own curiosity that it still hides between its covers.

Taking a deep breath and holding almost long enough to make my head spin before exhaling, I open the journal to the next entry:

My little Paige,

20 weeks! I would really love to know what you are, but your father and I decided we prefer surprises best. So we will discover if you're a Sean or Serena when you arrive. Everyone we know has started a poll to see what their guess is. There are even polls for your date of birth, weight, length, hair/no hair. Whenever there is a pup expected, the whole pack celebrates. Although, with our family it seems the pack is extremely excited. Your dad's brother, your uncle Levi, has been very anti marriage and has yet to find his mate and settle. He's a very handsome guy, with plenty of women throwing themselves at him. He says he doesn't want to be tied down. He travels all over the world. You'll enjoy his stories of adventures he's been on. Lincoln says he just enjoys being a play boy. Your aunt Lillith, your dad's sister, has been married for a few years, but has yet to have a pup. Your grandfather has a couple different theories, and neither are very nice or true. Poor Lillith is verbally bereted by her own father, but chooses to allow him to think as he wants. Truth is Lillith and Kai were married very young. They both decided they wanted to wait for a family until they both graduate. They are both attending a community college that offers a 2 plus 2 program. She's majoring in early childhood education, and he's majoring in some type of computer degree. I can't for the life of me remember for sure what his exact major is. Lincoln couldn't be more proud of his sister and a bit annoyed with his brother. But as I said family is family and sometimes we don't always agree. As always remember my little one, we love you.

Love Always,

Mom

"What is with the animal references?" I quizzically ask the night sky. Whatever it means, I'm confused as hell. But hey the family tree expanded a bit. I have an aunt and an uncle on my dad's side. I should really start writing all this info down in one place so I don't have to hunt anything down again by reading pages and pages of useless info. Make my own condensed version so to speak. It was still dark, and the fire pit was still glowing, mainly embers. I should try to sleep a bit before dawn. Not scheduled tomorrow as I'm taking the week off to finish up my search here and move on.

I grabbed the bucket of water I always keep handy for the fire pit and slowly poor the contents over the fire. Quickly the small flames and embers go dark, and are replaced with the hiss of water hitting the charred remains and smoke billowing up toward the stars. Once I'm sure the fire has gone out I drag my feet back toward the tent. I crawl in and begin trying to find my comfy spot. Usually on my side curled up. I quickly drift back into the darkness.