My life

Chapter 2

I have very little friends I mainly stay to myself. I don't tal to people half the time because I don't know how to talk to people. People don't know this but I have dyslexia and anxiety. Most people think I have the perfect life they thing since I'm a nerd I am popular. At school I am mainly known as the nerd or the popular girls sister. People don't know what its really like for me I don't just sit and read all day. There are people I text I mean ya I don't leave the house much but that shouldn't mean a lot to the people at my school. At school there's this guy I like. I don't talk to him but I think he's cute. I'm not going to say his name because some of my friends said they would read my book so I'm not gonna say his name.  They all think I like my ex still but I stopped loving him awhile ago. My ex is someone I will write about 2-3 chapters on. You know that one person you can never stop loving or caring about well that's how I feel. People in my life have come and gone. My mom was meant to have 5 kids but there is only 3 of us. 2 of them died. My mom went into a depressing stage. She was put on these pills and they didn't really help her. What helped my mom was having me and my sister. I almost died I was a month early I was in the hospital for about 30 days in total. No one in my family except for Pawpaw were there. My aunt and uncle were gonna be there but since I was a month early they were gone. I am the youngest on my moms side on my dads I am the Forth oldest. I rarely see the people on my dads side I see my moms side almost every weekend. My family is not perfect we have people who do drugs and we have alcoholics. One of the most special people to me passed away this summer June 17th, 2019 my pawpaw now is with my nana. This have been so different for us now. Christmas and  Thanksgiving they were so not the same. My uncle showed how hard it was for him my mom really didn't. My brother came home from his where he is stationed at in Texas. People really didn't care that much when I was born. My dad wouldn't even hold me because I was so little I was 11 inches and 3 pounds 15 ounces. My brother held me and my sister bottle fed me. I wasn't really the trouble maker I usually slept all day. I did break a couple of things when I was little like a lamp, tv, DVD player. You couldn't trust me with something or else I would find a way to break it. my mom didn't really like leaving me by myself at home. The first time I was by myself at home was when I was 5 me and my sister had to stay at home with the dogs while my dad went to the store to get something. One thing I forgot to mention is I have trust issues. Every time I trust someone they betray my trust and that's hard to gain. My biggest regret of 2019 is losing the one guy that I loved and trusted. He cheated and I lost him. He was the reason I smiled and was happy. I know it weird but I loved that guy to where not talking to him drove me crazy. He was also the reason my heart is in a million pieces and I cry all the time. He would never let me harm myself or talk bad about myself. He told me he loved me. I will make a whole chapter on him because it a lot to say. Life is suppose to be great but when will that happen. I lost so many friends people that said they would always be there I lost and now I have to one to go to I cant trust anyone anymore. I use to be able to go to my sister but now she has to much s**t so I cant add my problems to hers. So I do the only thing I could think of I fake it. I don't truly smile anymore or laugh. I physically hurts to be happy and I try to block it out but its like it wont ever stop. Pain keeps coming but every time it hits 10 times harder and then its like why do I even try to stop the pain. Nobody cares about me so why should I care about myself. I hate myself and I try to like myself but I cant I physically wont let myself. Everyday I look at myself to see how much uglier I have gotten and it just keeps adding on to the point where I cant take it anymore so I just don't leave my room I look at the wall and listen to music in a dark room and ignore everyone. Nobody worries about me my family thinks I can take care of myself my friends know nothing about my life and then I am left to debat rather or not to just stop caring shut everyone out and stop all emotions. I wish it was easy and I didn't start liking people. I cant fall in love anymore I just wont let myself. I learned my lesson love isn't possible for my. My family has taught me that people have taught me that. I even have taught myself that love is useless. What's the point in loving when you die anyway. Sometimes I wonder what's the point in living why not just end it. The only reason I am still breathing in on this earth is because of my sister and my mom other than that I have no one to live for. I been shown that by the rest of my family. Friends are impossible to make for me. Nobody wants to try and see if they can love me. Everyone I did care for left me when I needed them most and that is why I am writing this book to share my feelings when I have no one who listens and when I need to get something off my mind before I do something my family that does care for me wouldn't like.