Changing Positions (Brooks Haven Bears 3)

Chapter 11 - Butterflies

Emily

“So, what’s up with you and Hans? You can tell me,” Jason says, as we enter my apartment. He pulls at his luggage, rolling it easily over the smooth marble floor. I have one little rug, the one right under my coffee table, and that’s it. I’m not planning to spend all my time vacuuming the place, especially a potentially stubborn rug–slash–dust collector.

Jason sounds almost disinterested, but I know him well enough, and how he sounds like that when he cares a lot about the answer. His voice has also changed a lot now that we are alone, away from Lance and Hans.

“We’re now friends. Finally.” I try for the same nonchalant tone, with a dash of sarcasm at the end. I mean, I’m basically telling the truth here. There’s nothing going on with me and Hans, at least not physically. Nothing tangible. It may just be my wild imagination making me see things. Feel things. But just hearing his name nowadays makes me feel a quickening under my ribs. “Now you, why are you already here? The truth, Jason.”

“To spend time with my family, of course,” he says with a grin. He plops himself on the sofa, as if he’s ready to drill me with questions throughout the night. I love him, but there’s no way I’m staying up for that.

“Right. You know I have a guest room, too. You can take your bag there.” My voice hardens more than I mean it to.

I’m being unfair here. My family is close knit, and the only reason Jason likes to party a lot is his best friend, who’s also a member of our extended family.

“I just want to talk to you, Emily. I’m just blown away by the fact that you’re now grown.”

“You were here for my debutante ball,” I grumble, sitting down across from him. So, we left one living room for another? Interesting night. Ho-hum. It’s past midnight, and I just want to jump into bed. I’m tempted to tell Hans more via text. Tell him what, exactly? Tell him I was thinking of him the whole time I was with his teammates? It’s getting annoying, like a fluttering in my brain that won’t stop. I need to tell him, even if it means humiliating myself, just so I can get rid of that uneasy feeling. It’s like trying to release something living under my skin. Butterflies.

“Yeah, I remember. It’s just that time seems to be speeding up. When I saw you standing by Hans’ doorway, it really slammed into me. You’re dating some other hockey guy and going to guy’s apartments in the middle of the night. It’s just–.” He shakes his head, as if he can’t believe I’m actually a girl who boys like and who likes boys. Hell, I can’t believe it, either.

“You sound like an old man, Jason,” I interrupt. I wonder when they’ll stop thinking of me as a kid. I wonder when I’ll stop thinking of myself as one, always the youngest in our little troop.

Jason’s suddenly quiet, and I’m afraid to breathe. Why is he really here?

“Mom had an episode, a terrible one, Emily.” His voice cracks, and I want him to go back to being his annoying self. Right now. My head is shaking involuntarily, denying the truth of my mom’s and my condition. Nobody will truly want me if they know what they have to deal with. Hans knows, and he wants to help, but at what point will he realize that I’m just his pet project where he can use his curious mind on? A curiosity.

“Does Lance know?” I ask instead. If Lance knows, Hans will more likely find out soon enough.

“Yes, he does. He’s here for me, you know, and I’m really grateful. He’s been dating a tennis player off and on. Her name’s Johanna, and sometimes, I think he’s not giving himself a chance to be happy with anyone because he wants to be here for us.”

“He seems happy,” I say tentatively.

“He should be. He doesn’t have a problem, but he wants us to be his problem, too.”

I’m not sure anyone can be truly be that free, but I say nothing to respond to my brother’s words. I’m now noticing the dark circles around Jason’s eyes. His face is more drawn. Thinner. It reminds me of his first few weeks in the NHL when people thought he wouldn’t make it. That he would be traded. Discarded. The butterflies calm down a bit, feeling strangled. Pinched. Pulled.

“Did the two of you take anything?” I squint at him suspiciously. They were giddy at Hans’ apartment. Now, my brother’s crashing before my eyes. He rubs his forehead with a pale hand and I’m betting it’s clammy.

“Drugs?” He looks at me with wide brown eyes, so like mine. “No. Of course not.”

“Jason!” I warn, recognizing those evading eyes and the little shrug. They always think I can’t read these cues, but I can. Sometimes, I read into them way too much.

“Okay. A bit of pot. It’s off season, anyway. It’s a huff and a puff, really. Then we got rid of the s**t right away. There’s this guy who’s been befriending Lance. Some guy called Spencer. He’s the one who provided the weed. I don’t trust him.”

Mm. So, who’s problem-free right now? There’s more to Lance than what he’s revealing to us, and I wonder how much of his cracks Hans knows about. I have spent so much time finding Hans’ own, but I’m sure Lance has his.

“Spencer. Don’t know why the name sounds familiar,” I mumble. I feel like I’ve heard it somewhere. How many Spencers could there be in Brooks Haven? “Old? Young?”

“About our age.”

“Definitely old,” I say drily.

“Oh shut up, Ems,” he snaps, but he’s not angry. Not really. His face breaks into a wide smile, though his eyes are definitely tired. Exhausted, from the inside out.

I chuckle, happy to see that he’s lightened up a bit. There’s a playful smile on his face. Even though my brother and his best friend have been assholes to me growing up, I love both of them in my own way.

What about Hans?

I do have to ask the necessary questions. The one about Hans can wait.

“And mom? How bad is it? Was it? What the hell is going on?”

“S-she–fuck. I’m sorry. Dad said she was on suicide watch.”

“Was? Why do I not know this?”

“They don’t want you to worry, because -,” Jason hesitates, threading his fingers into his hair, messing that glossy black hair. It’s sticking up in places, not as neat as he usually has it.

“Because I’m weak? That I could go off, too? A ticking time bomb?” I rise from the couch, hovering over my brother.

“Well, aren’t you doing it now?”

“No. I’m just a normal person, Jason,” I declare. I am owning it this time. My normalcy. My decision to take a lower dosage. “How is she now?”

“Better.”

The breath that comes from my chest comes out in a whoosh. We talk further into the night, even as dawn peeks. I realize how much I’ve missed this. My brother. Someone who knows and loves my mother just as much, but with the same amount of fear.

**

The term finishes, with Hans receiving his diploma quietly, away from the limelight. The party is in two days, and my pulse has been doing weird things lately. Enzo has been trying to get my attention at school, and I can’t blame him. We haven’t really talked since the night I went with him to Icer’s to meet his friends. I’ve found reasons, some real and some not, to avoid him. Guilt follows me throughout.

Today, though, he catches me while I’m on my own. I don’t really have anyone to spend lunch with. Celeste is a fresh graduate with several business prospects, always out and about, and Hayley is a senior who had to rush to meet her boyfriend.

“You still studying? I thought all requirements had already been passed, and the term is officially over?” he asks, standing there, waiting to be invited. I idly wonder where Ed is. Or where Hans is, for that matter.

“You’re right, but I’m on a fast track. I did a semester and a half worth of work this term,” I say matter-of-factly. I gesture at the chair across from me and he quickly takes it, looking slightly relieved.

“Wow! You’re going to catch up on me. You’re pretty smart,” he praises, and I wish he didn’t have to be so nice.

“That’s the plan,” I say with a grin. Enzo’s a nice guy. I just need to tread a little carefully because while I don’t want to lead him on, he also seems like a nice friend. He’s also one of Hans’ closest friends.

“So, are you going to Lance’s and Jason’s party?” he asks, leaning forward, close enough for me to get a whiff of his clean-smelling cologne, citrusy to Hans’ woodsy. My face heats, and I hope Enzo doesn’t take it the wrong way.

“I’m not sure yet.”

I’m not even supposed to be there. I think of what I told Hans. Yes, I want to be there, and I’m curious about what Lance has in store for him. I’ve put two and two together. Lance is trying to get his cousin laid. Why it’s such an emergency is a mystery to me. Why it has to be someone he doesn’t know is another. I know they won’t push me into it. Even I will wonder about Lance’s and Jason’s sanity if they choose me as that mystery girl, but why can’t Hans choose the girl? Like Stacey, for example.

I regret thinking about Stacey. It makes my vision blur and my ears heat when I think of her with Hans. Selfish? Maybe. Why can’t he choose someone else? He’s supposed to be the smartest guy in school.

“It’s, well, going to be wild, knowing those two. So, you may not be missing out.”

“You think I shouldn’t be there? Am I too boring for the party, huh, Enzo?”

He flushes.

“I–I’m sorry. I just thought -.”

“I think she’s not coming. Right, Ems?”

I was too busy balancing my reactions to Enzo and digging inside my brain that I didn’t notice Hans approach. I look up at him, standing behind Enzo, with a big smile on his face. It’s like he’s gone back to the Mr. Sunshine. What does it mean? Is it because he’s technically done with college?

“I think I get to decide whether or not I’m going,” I mumble, although I know what Hans means by what he said. He doesn’t want anyone to know that I’m planning to come because I told him not to tell Jason and Lance.

Hans sits next to Enzo, and I believe I see a knowing look forming on the latter. They exchange a look, something I can’t read, but it makes Hans’ blue eyes icy. I’ve never seen the two of them like this, as if they’re not even friends.

When Hans finally gives me one of his crooked smiles, I still. I try not to breathe or move or else they’ll know what’s going on inside me.

“I’m sorry, Emily. Of course, it’s on you if you want to go or not. So, you’re going?” Enzo asks.

“I’m tempted to come just because the two of you don’t think I should,” I say huffily. “But I just may not.”

My gaze lifts to meet Hans’, challenging him to say anything. Would he really want me there, even as Lance tries to set him up with some girl? It’s hard to read him right now, as his face darkens a little.

“The party’s going to be crazy. Decisions may be made. It’s up to you if you want to be part of those.”

I believe he has just bounced the challenge back to me.