YOU WILL BE MY BANE

DAY OF THE DOCTOR

A

"Hey, what are you trying to do?" A gruff voice speaks behind me. I grab the safety bars again and pull myself back. I turn. It is Barrister Ejiofor. Is he smoking weed? Isn't he like forty, fifty years old?.

"What were you trying to do?" He asks.

"Nothing sir, I was looking at the cars before I slipped" I lie. The wind whips past my ears and my eyes begin to tear or have I been crying?

"Come here boy" Barrister Ejiofor says and I acquiesce. "Sit" he adds and I sit on an air conditioner.

He sits besides me and draws on his weed.

"You smoke?" He asks.

"No sir" I reply wiping my eyes with my handkerchief.

"Okay, smart. This s**t can kill you, don't try it" he says and takes another drag.

"So what's really the problem son? I came out here to have a smoke and you walk up here too. At first I thought you saw me but I guess you didn't. Then you walk towards the railings and try to hurl yourself over. Boy what's wrong with you?" He asks.

"Nothing sir. I'm fine" I lie again. Wait, Barrister Ejiofor smokes weed? I thought he was perfect. I thought everyone but me is perfect?.

Well, I have been wrong before, you have your vice Yemi, you take cocaine.

"I have to call someone to take you to the hospital, you need to be watched" he says and brings out his phone to make a call and my face turns white with fear.

What would my father do if he hears that I almost answered the call of the void? What would you think of me?

Aunty Ifeoma and her family will think that they failed me.

"Stop sir" I hold his hand and stand up.

"Don't call anyone, please I promise. I am fine now. Whatever you thought you saw was a momentary slip in judgement. You will be doing me more harm than good if you commit me. I need this job, I need it to stay sane" I blurt out immediately.

He rolls his eyes, replaces his phone in his trouser pocket and takes a long drag on his weed.

"You can't work if you are not in a good place mentally. Alright sit"

I sit.

"What's the problem?" He asks and I look away and close my eyes.

I could tell him, I could tell him about how I feel like the world's greatest sinner, about what I feel for you, about what I think my father would do if he discovers I have these traitorous feelings for you.

I could tell him all these and more but I won't. This is Nigeria Yemi, no matter how understanding people appear, they will never understand what I feel for you and why I do. They will never accept people like me and they'd sooner see me dead than understand what I feel.

"Well, if you won't talk to me, perhaps you can talk to a professional" Barrister Ejiofor says and begins to rustle through his wallet.

I find my voice and speak;

"Sir, I'm...."

"Fine?" He interrupts me. "Boy you are fine facially but it's your mental health I'm worried about. I understand the toll being a young man trying to get his feet can take on anyone, here's a card. Call him, he's Dr. James, tell him that I sent you. He will attend to you" Barrister Ejiofor says and takes a long drag from his weed. He holds the smoke a little longer and then releases it into the air, forming irregular shapes, dark gloomy shapes.

"Okay sir" I say and collect the card and nod.

I look at him and I wish he were my father.

"Go to him, talk to him. Take the week off. You are an Igbo guy, right?" He asks me and I nod.

"God! What do they feed these boys these days. They over pamper men these days to the extent that they can't pass through trying times without offing themselves. Boy what are you still doing here? Call the doctor immediately!" he barks and I nod. I stand, thank him and walk towards the stairs.

"And boy" he says and I turn, "Nothing is worth killing yourself for in this life, be it money, woman, love, food, status or power. Because as soon as you are gone, you will be replaced by another. Nature abhors vacuum, she doesn't dwell on the past, she moves on quickly" he adds and I nod.

He is right Yemi, nothing is worth dying for. I have always looked to the future with hope, but now I have faith and firm resolve as well that whatever the future brings, I will handle it.

I drop Barrister Nuru's case files with him, I tell him that Barrister Ejiofor sent me on an errand. He grunts something about Barrister Ejiofor always trying to take away those working for him.

I go to HR and tell the beautiful lady that Barrister Ejiofor gave me a few days off. She asks me to tell him to send a mail, I tell her that she can call him. She grunts angrily. She calls him and he tells her to give me one week off. She mutters something about being able to get leave when one has worked with the firm for one year.

I Ignore her and I take the leave letter from her. Why is she dressed like that? Like one going for a runway showoff. My mind flashes back to the events on the railings and I push them out of my mind. I didn't try to kill myself, I'm not that damaged. It was a momentary slip in judgement, that's all it was.

Should I tell you that I am taking a few days off? Should I collect the money from you? Would you have cried for me if I had died? Do I mean anything to you?

I walk towards my desk to grab my things and I look towards your office, you are typing on your computer and Berry is mixing wine.

Occasionally you'd look up and look at her. I see the way you look at her and I die a little inside. I wish you would look at me like that but then again, I almost committed suicide a few minutes ago, thinking about you shouldn't be paramount right now.

I walk towards the elevator and enter. As the elevator doors close, you look up and look towards me . I look down, avoiding your gaze, loathing it.

Something I have never done before but there's a first to everything.

B.

I bring out the card Barrister Ejiofor gave me and I dial the number. It connects almost immediately.

"Hello? A warm rich voice comes from the other end.

"Hello" I reply. "I am Nate, Barrister Ejiofor directed me to call you" I add.

"Oh, you are Nathaniel? Yeah Ofor called me right now. Can you come in now?" He asks and I acquiesce.

I take a cab in front of the firm and I get to the hospital. It isn't a big practice but it looks modern and quite expensive. A one storey building with so many glass windows. I begin to wonder if they are mining solar energy with the glass windows.

The petite receptionist smiles as I tell her about my appointment with Dr. James. She points me to the door adjacent to her glass slab. I knock and a deep voice ushers me in.

The room smells like a flowerbed on a sunny day. The air is cool and the atmosphere is receptive.

Yeah, nice try doc but you ain't getting anything from me today.

I haven't heard my father's condemning voice or Father Joe's distorted callings since I was saved from the ledge.

A lanky man with bushy hair and Harry Potter glasses is sitting comfortably on a cream sofa opposite the door. There are flowers on the two glass windows in the room.

The lanky man looks like he is in his early fifties.

"Hy Nathaniel, I'm Doctor James. Why don't you sit down or would you prefer to stand?" He asks warmly.

"Look Doc, I don't know what Barrister Ejiofor told you but I didn't try to hurt myself" I say.

He smiles and looks at me lovingly, the way pops used to look at me when Mom was still living with us.

"Okay, I believe you Nathaniel, why don't you have a sit?" He says and motions to the long cushion with five throw-pillows shaped like tiny hearts.

"Or would you prefer to stand?" He says. I sit and the cushion feels nice to my butt.

"You can lie down if you want, that's if you will feel more comfortable that way" he says.

"I'm fine Doc. So I'm here doc, would you tell him that I'm mentally fit to return to work?" I ask.

Will I stay a whole week without seeing you Yemi, can I do that?.

No, this isn't about you, this is about me. I existed before I met you.

"Why don't you give me a reason to do that? Show me that you are mentally ready to go back to work?" The Doctor says.

"What reason is that?" I ask.

"Let's start with why you tried to fall off the railings" He says.

"I, emm, I slipped" I lie.

"What were you doing on that floor in the first place? What were you doing outside?"

He asks. He doesn't seem ready to take my lies seriously. I know that he will never accept them. I have to get creative.

I can't let anyone know what I feel Yemi, I can't tell anyone because they will treat me worse than I already treat myself.

"I..I.. okay Doc, I borrowed money from someone and I couldn't pay back" I lie again.

"Did the person threaten your life?" He asks

I look at him, I know that my answer will determine if he believes me or not.

"No sir. I just felt like i couldn't pay back" I lie again.

"How much is that?" He asks and I swallow hard.

"2 million naira" I lie again, falling deeper than I had planned. Who knew that lying was a chain reaction?.

"What did you do with such a huge amount of money?" He asks.

"I.....I gambled it away, football betting" I say and avoid his gaze. His face is awash with doubt and uncertainty, then concern flows in.

"You have a gambling addiction?"

"Well, sort of"

"Sort of?, You aren't sure?" He asks.

"I'm sure"

"And who are you owing?" Silence.

"Fine, okay, is he threatening to hurt you?" he asks, steering the discussion back to where I never wanted it to go. If I admit that someone is after me, he'd want to know who. Should he be grilling me like this? Should I be lying this much? Will the truth really set me free?.

I look at him and breath in slowly. I lie down on the sofa with my face towards the ceiling, that way I can avoid his grilling gaze.

" Doc, I was in my feelings. I let my emotions pilot the affairs of my head. Don't worry, I won't let that happen again. I now understand that killing myself won't solve the issue. My death will just be counted among the list of those who were victims of circumstances" I say and he nods.

"Well, apart from this episode of depression, has there been any in the past?" He asks.

"No" I lie.

"Do you take drugs, alcohol or other substances to be happy or feel happy?" He asks.

"No Doc. I don't think I do such" I tell him. He nods and scribbles in his book.

"Well either you believe what you are saying about not going to attempt to take your life again or you are a good liar. Either way Nathaniel, I am here for you. We will meet again tomorrow." He says and I nod.

I stand up and make to leave and he clears his throat.

"Um Nathaniel. I have always found that it helps to write down what one feels. It might be hard to tell others how we feel but sometimes writing a journal might help us express our feelings in a safer way than hurling ourselves off a roof" he says.

"Okay doc. I will consider writing down my feelings"

I thank him and go home. Aunty Ifeoma makes Egusi soup from the recipe she saw on f*******:. I want to tell her that the soup is disgusting but I can't. I can't let my emotions get the best of me again.

If I had died Yemi, you'd move on with Berry. Heck, you might not even come to my funeral. I once overheard you say that funerals bum you out.

If I am to control my emotions for You, I have to learn to control the irrelevant emotions. I tell aunty Ifeoma that her soup is sumptuous. She smiles and asks if I want seconds. I politely refuse and go to my room.

I kneel down to pray again, Father Joe's words ring in my ears, my father's voice reverberates. I lay on my bed and begin to implore sleep but she refuses to come.

I open an online journal on my phone and I begin to write. I write from the first moment I met you. I write about what I feel for you. I write about what I don't want to feel and my mind fogs up.

I try to clear my mind but each time my thoughts drift towards you, towards Father Joe and towards Hell. An unlikely trio Yemi. I wonder what you are doing right now, I wonder if you ever think about me.

Is this still a crush? Shouldn't crushes last a month, three at best? It's almost four months Yemi and each time I see you, it still feels like the first time. Do I love you?. No, It can't be love. That's even worse. I need to get you off my mind. Doctor James said I should always clear my mind.

But how can I clear my mind? If I clear it, I clear you.

I close the journal and lie on my bed but sleep eludes me.

I try to name the female characters in Game of Thrones, my own version of counting sheep. Before long I am snoring.

I wake up the next day tired and red eyed. Aunty Ifeoma wants to know why I didn't go to work. I tell her that I was given the week off. She looks at me suspiciously and continues with laundry.

I get to Dr. James's and he looks happy to see me. He thinks I look better than I did yesterday.

"So what plans do you have to pay back?" He asks.

"I have set up a way to do that. Perhaps fifty percent of my salary every month" I say.

"That's great news, It's a good thing that you are making plans for the future" he says and I nod.

"So is there something else bothering you?" He adds.

"What makes you think that there's something else bothering me?" I ask avoiding his gaze.

"Oh, just intuition" he says lightly. I nod and smile.

"Well, I'm fine Doc but now that you mentioned it, my friend, a girl, she has this problem" I lie.

"What's the problem?" Doctor James asks with his nose flaring up with interest.

"She's attracted to the same s*x. She doesn't want to but she is" I say.

"It's being a source of concern to her" I add.

"Okay, this your friend, is she resident here in Nigeria?"

"Yes"

"She knows that it is against the law, right?"

"Yes she does. That is one of the reasons she detests that part of herself. She wishes she can change it but she can't. Her religion also explicitly forbids it"

"So it brews some sort of internal conflict inside her?" He asks intuitively.

"Yes, I am a good person...emm...I mean, she's a good person but these deviant emotions are making her question her existence" I say.

"If these emotions weren't considered a criminal inclination in this country, would your friend still feel like a bad person?" He asks.

"What about religious beliefs? Isn't it bad? Won't she burn in hell?" I ask avoiding his gaze.

He smiles.

"I'm not much of a Christian, I'm agnostic at best...."

"Agnostic? Nigeria has those?" I ask staring at him. He laughs heartily.

"Oh dear, it's not a disease that is endemic to a particular region. It is a mindset, a certain esoteric philosophy" he says.

"I don't know much about God or godly things. I stopped going to church twenty years ago but I'd tell you that I don't think God punishes us the way we punish ourselves. Your friend should not presume to know the mind of God, unless she is a divine telepath". He says and looks intently at me.

I nod and look at him. "She doesn't have to read His mind to know what is on His mind. The Bible is there. God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of their disgusting habit" I say, looking away again.

"Disgusting habit? Is that what your friend think of herself? Disgusting? Nathaniel, you know that God destroyed Sodom due to several reasons apart from Homosexuality right? He destroyed several other cities and kingdoms too due to their evil ways. Egypt had the ten plagues, they didn't practice sodomy, the cries of the enslaved Israelites reached up to God, Samson was a menace to the philistines when the cries of the innocent Israelites reached up to God. The two angels that visited Sodom told Abraham that the cries against Sodom and Gomorrah is great. Between you and I, I don't think they would have been destroyed if they didn't try to r**e those two angels. You know that r**e is a crime, it is wrong, whether homosexually or heterosexually" he says and I nod.

"If your friend sees herself as disgusting and filthy, how else does she expect the world to see her? You tell people how to treat you" he adds and I nod again.

"Nathaniel, you need to realize that killing yourself will never solve any issue, if you have things about your religion that you don't understand or if you have feelings that are conflicting with your religion. The best way to deal with it is to understand those feelings and then understand yourself and your religion, well, I mean your friend of course. You have to understand Nathaniel that death is never the answer. Barrister Ejiofor suggested keeping you on suicide watch and telling your parents but when I saw you yesterday, I knew immediately that you wouldn't try it again. Or am I wrong Nathaniel? Are you still severely depressed?" He asks.

"No Doc" I smile.

"I just realized something, if I die, the world will continue spinning, nothing will change. I will be added to the statistics" I say and he smiles.

"Still, I want you to run these tests downstairs. Barrister Ejiofor has agreed to pay for them. Here's my card again, in case you threw away the one Barrister Ejiofor gave you yesterday. If the urge ever comes again, just call me. You will be fine. Our time is up. Come in again on Friday" he says and I thank him. I stand up, he stands up and extends his hand for a shake. I hug him.

"Okay, not sure this is professional but if it's therapeutic to you" he says and taps me gently on my back.

I go downstairs and I am asked to change out into scrubs. I lay down on a machine the beautiful lab scientist says will scan my brain waves and stuff. They take blood from my vein and I pee in a small plastic container.

Immediately I see the container, I remember you. I haven't thought of you in hours and now that I remember you, I feel ambivalent- happy- that I am out of my funk and I will see you on Monday -sad- that you might be bad for my mental health.

I go home and I lie on my bed. Doctor James's words run through my mind.

"God doesn't punish us the way we punish ourselves. Understand yourself, understand your emotions and understand your religion" his voice drowns out Father Joe's voice and my father's. I curl up in my bed and in a matter of minutes, I am snoring.

Wednesday,

Thursday,

Friday, I go back to Doctor James. We talk again, this time around about what I think about myself matters more than what I want others to think about me. I try to bring you up but I just don't know how to do that. If I do, things might get complicated.

He tells me to focus more on writing in my journal and in my hobby- drawing. Recently, Yemi, all I can draw is you. My jotter is filled with sketches of your perfect jawline and your massive frame in several medieval attires.

He tells me that the session is over. He says my results from the tests are all normal. He says I need to come in at least once a week but he will tell Barrister Ejiofor that I can return to work.

He tells me to take time to process my emotions logically without the doom and gloom that accompany religious punishments. Well, he says the advise is for my friend who feels attracted to the same s*x.

I go home a happy man. I sleep well that night and I dream of where I am painting with a naked couple who seems to be Adam and Eve. Can things get any weirder?

C.

Saturday comes and I help around the house, Barrister Ejiofor calls and I tell him that everything is fine. He says Doctor James has updated him. I thank him for caring for me and he tells me that he is glad to help.

Sunday comes and I go to church with Aunty Ifeoma and her family.

Father Joe's new sermon is about f*********n and premarital s*x. I look at the youth around me, they all look uncomfortable. I smile.

Misery loves company.

My father calls me after church to ask if I went to church. I tell him I did and he tells me that Sarah and her mother called him and Sarah can't wait to meet me. I tell him that I can't wait to meet Sarah too. He tells me how proud he is that I am finally a lawyer.

He tells me that Ichie Uzo was saying trash about him. He says that Ichie Uzo accused him of trying to take his wife away from him. He asks me if there is a way he can sue Ichie Uzo for slander.

I ask him if he is involved with Ichie Uzo's wife, he tells me that Ichie Uzo is a loser and not man enough. He changes the topic and we talk about the rains and the insecurity in the country. Finally he tells me to stay away from Lagos girls. They all have infections and are unruly, especially the Yoruba girls.

I nod and I tell him bye.

if only my problem was conventional!

It now dawns on me that I am not the worst sinner.

I have to figure these emotions out and before I do that, I have to understand what I feel for you.

It's been almost a week I haven't been to work and you didn't bother to ask about me. You didn't bother to call or visit me. If there is anything I am happy about right now, it is that I didn't die. Would you have even attended my funeral?.

I didn't understand myself, I didn't understand what I feel before and I haven't figured it out now but I am beginning to.

Monday comes and I go to work. I go early and I go to Barrister Ejiofor's office. He tells me how happy he is that I am back. He tells me that I am not the only one with problems. He tells me that I can talk to him about anything, anytime. I thank him and I go back to my cubicle.

'Anything and Anytime' Yemi, he will be the first to stone me if I tell him what I feel for you.

The elevator dings and you step out. You look swagger as usual and your cologne hugs my nose before you reach my cubicle.

"Hey, Nathaniel, you are back!" you say in a chipper voice.

I look at you and I frown.

"Good morning Barrister Yemi"

I mutter, trying to sound professional.

"Hey, is everything alright?" You ask as you notice the look of disdain on my face.

"You know what Barrister Yemi?" I begin,

"You were right the last time you said that our friendship should be professional. I think it should be. That will also mean no calls at odd hours to help you dispose of weird refuse" I say and turn to walk to the elevator.

You take quick strides and approach me. "Hey man, what's wrong? You are always in a foul mood these days" you say, sounding like an angel whose flight to heaven was abruptly interrupted and I feel the urge to hold your hands and kiss your moist lips.

No! I'm loosing focus again. I can't do this again. I have to outgrow these feelings.

"I was gone for one good week, you didn't even bother to know if I was alive or dead, then again, you've never really worried about anyone else except yourself, excuse me I have court today with Barrister Ejiofor. I'm applying for a new Mentor. I don't think there is any positive mentoring going on here" I say and walk away.

I can feel your eyes on me. It feels liberating to have said those things to you but it also feels scary as hell, because my body is walking away from you but my traitorous heart is clinging firmly to you.