YOU WILL BE MY BANE

ICARUS

A.

I watch the elevator door close and I see the confusion and sadness in your eyes. I am conflicted.

A part of me wants to run to you, take your hand in mine and kiss you but a part of me wants to live because the day you find out what I feel for you might be the day I lose everything that I have worked so hard to build.

I watch the elevator door close and I look at my reflection on the reflective walls. I look like an addict trying to quit a drug addiction but failing woefully.

I get to the court house and I sit in one of the break rooms. I drop my files on the desk and I hold my head in my hands.

What do I do? How do I stop feeling like this? How do I stop loving you?.

If I am to heal completely, I have to get over you. This isn't healthy, this isn't good.

My head feels heavy as if I am drowning in an uncharted sea of emotions.

"Understand yourself first, understand what you feel" Doctor James' words run through my mind. But how do I understand these atrocious emotions when the slightest move to explore them can get me killed?.

One hour later, Barrister Ejiofor comes into the break room.

"Nate, I've been looking for you. The trial won't hold. The defendant was involved in a car crash and his attorneys are requesting for time for him to heal since he is supposed to testify today" Barrister Ejiofor says.

"A car crash? How convenient" I say and he nods.

"I know right?" He says and looks at me. "Are you alright?" He asks.

"I'm just feeling under the weather sir, please may I take today off. I won't ask for more days off" I tell him and he nods.

"Alright" he says. "But I suggest you get your s**t together boy, deal with whatever it is that is bothering you before it deals with you" he says.

"I still feel like you should be admitted but Doctor James says the both of you have come to an agreement and that you won't attempt your past act again" he adds.

"Yes sir. I'm over that. I was doing well, I just feel a little under the weather, I will be fine" I tell him.

He laughs, "Recovery isn't a linear path boy, I don't know what ails you but I know that time settles all. Give yourself sometime and maybe talk to Doctor James again" he says and I nod.

"Thank you so much sir" I say. He nods and leaves.

B.

I go home and I climb into bed without undressing. I lie in bed as so many thoughts race through my mind.

Have I always had these emotions? If they were a part of me, why surface now?. I look at a painting of a cave man I did, hanging on the wall opposite my bed.

I remember who my muse for the painting was; Chima, back in my fifth year in the University.

He was short and had a disarming smile. A smile similar to yours. His large hazel irises looked something out of a Disney animation.

Oh God! Was I attracted to him?. I look at the brush strokes of the painting and each one reminds me of what I felt at the moment I painted the piece.

I drift off to sleep.

I wake up and it's already dark outside.

I check my phone, there are two missed calls from you and a

"Hey Bro, I saw your status update " Delicate things". Are you okay?" Message.

I forget I updated my w******p status. I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't give you a window into deciphering what I feel.

I ignore your message. An addict needs to avoid his trigger and right now a message from you is the perfect rope that can trigger a relapse into pining for you endlessly.

You are like a drug to me, a drug I tried once and got seriously hooked.

I have to get my mind off of you, I have to find a way to see if I can live a normal heterosexual day without the thought of you dominating it.

I take a hurried bath. I brush my teeth and throw on a casual blue denim jean with black "V-neck" polo.

"Where are you going to?" Aunty Ifeoma asks as I walk past her. She is setting plates for dinner.

"Aunty, let me get some drugs from the pharmacy on Allen avenue" I lie and Jide laughs. I wink at him and he places his palms against his mouth and laughs into them.

"Well, get me Olpatanol eye drops on your way back. Jide's prescription is almost finished" she says and Jide bursts into an uncontrollably mirth. He knows that I am going out to anywhere but the drug store.

"Jide, are you okay?" Aunty Ifeoma asks him and he nods. I wink at him again.

"Alright Aunty" I say and I leave the house.

I wander down the road aimlessly. My plan? To probably see a bar, go into it and pick a girl. I have to be sure that these 'sacrilegious' emotions are genuine.

I can't go back to Awolowo bar, no! There are so many dark memories in that place. Precious Cole is one of many.

I walk for about 1 mile, no bar, no restaurant. Please God, even if it's a hotel, I will manage the hotel bar. I can't go back to the bar in Awolowo road. Anywhere but there.

The weather's condition is in sync with my emotions; tumultuous and unsure of what it wants. Occasionally, streaks of lightning race across the sky, accompanied by a growl of thunder but there is no rain.

I walk for about half a mile and it begins to drizzle.

Look at that, even the weather has made up it's mind about what it wants.

I am about to give up looking for a bar when I see a neon sign near a fuel station.

I look at where the sign points and there is a building besides the fuel station.

'Lacibo bar' the sign reads with the 'I' in Lacibo extending into a microphone.

I dash towards it. The weather has fully made up it's mind now and rain is falling with all amount of alacrity.

I run into the bar and I stand beside the entrance. It looks like a regular bar but darker. People are sitting at tables of four, others are sitting on the tall stools at the bar slab, drinking and a few are arguing about football in front of the large fifty-two inches television at the far end of the bar.

The lighting is low and consists mainly of red lights shaped like little kerosene lanterns, embedded into the roof and the walls.

A little raised stage opposite the large television has a few musical instruments; an oversized piano that looks like it might be missing some keys, an old brown guitar placed against the wall and a set of anachronistic drums with faded surfaces.

I imagine people singing there and the thought irks me. Music is the last thing that I need now.

A large Air-conditioner stands near the entrance, pushing out air so cold that it can compete with the air at Antarctica.

I walk towards the bar slab and pull out a tall legged stool and I sit.

"Hy" a plump dark barman with loose black polo says to me.

"Hy" I reply.

"What can I get you?" He asks and before I can answer, someone clears his throat a few feet from me.

I am not the only one who is startled. The other bar patrons look up. A tall lanky black boy is standing with a microphone on the raised stage.

He wears a blue shirt buttoned only in his abdomen, his hairy chest is exposed with his shiny short dreadlocks pointing in several directions. His black jean trouser has strategic fashion holes in the front. And his white sneakers makes me want to compliment him.

His transparent biker's spectacles sits comfortably on his tiny face making him look like an adorable kid wearing his father's prescription glasses.

"I'm Icarus, I got a song about obsession tonight for y'all" he says with a knowing smile, Some patrons turn their chairs to face him while those watching football sigh and go back to their television.

C.

Icarus sits on the old piano and places his microphone on the mic stand, arching it towards him.

He begins to play a soft version of the intro to Charlie Puth's Dangerously.

"This is gonna hurt but I blame myself first cause I ignored the truth..." he begins to sing and I am wowed.

More patrons turn their seats to face Icarus who is now singing melodiously like a fallen angel who missed his flight to heaven.

"Drunk off that love, it f****d my head up, there's no forgetting you"

"What do you want sir?" The barman asks me again.

"Vodka, on the rocks" I stammer. I heard an actor order a similar drink in a movie I watched two weeks ago. It sounds heterosexual enough.

Seems like a safe bet.

The barman gets to work pouring my drink but I am mesmerized by Icarus's voice. I can hear a cocktail of pain, fear, joy and bitterness all mixed up in his voice. It is like he is telling me about his pain but without his own words.

Well us, I and the other patrons in the bar.

There I go again, making it all about me. My mind wanders to you. I wonder what you are doing right now. I wonder if you are thinking of me right now. Are you angry with me? Or worried about me? Should I call you?

Icarus's voice draws me out of my head as he continues to sing passionately.

"You've awoken me but you are choking me, I was so obsessed . Gave you all of me and honestly I got nothing left" his voice rings, tearing through the quiet bar and ensnaring my senses.

His voice is like a mixture of Kathy Perry's and The Weeknd's, but sadder.

Everywhere is quiet, only Icarus's voice and the muffled pattering of the rains on the roof can be heard.

Even the patrons who were watching football have turned down the volume as Icarus's voice pursues notes that I didn't know a man can.

"I love you, I love you, I love youuuuu dangerously, more than the air I breathe" Icarus cries beautifully.

"Here's your drink sir" the bar man says and drops a square shaped glass cup on top of a coaster in front of me. I take the drink absentmindedly as I stare at the blazing star in front of me.

"You are the fire, I'm gasoline, I love you, I love you...." Icarus's voice continues to mesmerize my senses.

I watch him, behind his oversized frame lies two soulful eyes closing more often. He ends his song on a sad note, with both eyes closed and head tilted towards the right.

The other bar patrons cheer and he stands up, bows to them and walks towards the bar slab. A boy and his girlfriend takes the stage and tells us that they want to sing a duet; Elton John's and Kiki's Don't go breaking my heart.

I wonder how they're going to top Icarus's performance.

"Femi, give me my usual" Icarus says all sweaty as he takes the bar stool beside me. I can hear him breath like one who just ran a marathon.

"That was wonderful, here's my number, call me" a girl runs to Icarus's side and gives him a tiny sheet of paper. I feel a little jealousy well up in me. I shake my head vigorously.

No! I can't be jealous. I came here to have a normal heterosexual experience. I can't be jealous for a guy. I shake my head. "No" I mutter.

"You know, if you shake that head any further, it will fall off" Icarus says and I look at him.

"Are....are you talking to me?" I stutter.

"No, I'm talking to the cutie behind you" he says and draws closer.

"Cutie?" I look behind me. A chubby guy is hovering around a chick dressed like someone who wandered off from an occult gathering mid séance.

"Yeah, is that a new word for you?" Icarus says and takes a glass of drink from the barman. He swirls the greyish liquid with ice cubes inside hitting the walls of the glass.

"I'm sorry but it sounded like you were....." I lower my voice, move my head towards him and I whisper.

"Like you were flirting with me" I tell him and he laughs heartily, takes a sip from his glass and draws closer to me. His cologne reminds me of you, his perfect diastema makes his smile seem surreal. His dark skin glows red in response to the lights overhead.

"And so? Is there anything wrong with that?" He tells me.

"Hitting on a random guy at a bar in such a country? You are either bold or stupid and you don't look stupid to me" I say to him.

He smiles. "Oh I'm neither of those. But I get feelings about people when I see them. I could be wrong and if that's the case, I apologize. Although my Gaydar is never wrong" he says and sips his drink.

"Gaydar? What's that?" I ask in a whisper.

"Oh dear. We got a closet artist here" Icarus says and chuckles.

"Well, I think we are running before we crawl, I'm Icarus" he says and stretches his talon-like fingers and I hesitate, then I shake him. His palm feels warm and soft.

"Icarus? Your parents named you after the tragic son of Daedalus?" I ask him.

"Nope, I took that name after my parents disowned me. They caught me and a boy in my room one day and threw my things out. I took that name because, like the real Icarus, I escaped the labyrinth of ignorance, of b*****e. I escaped the labyrinth of living to please others. I'm my own person and I will soar as I want" he says.

"You do know how that story ended right?" I ask him.

"Oh please, I make my own destiny. Not even the fates can dictate my life. My destiny is in my hand and whichever way I harness it, it goes" he says with a broad smile.

"So what's your name?" He asks sounding chipper.

"Nate, I'm Nate!" I tell him eagerly and he smiles.

"So Nate, what's your story?" He asks and I look away.

"There's no story" I tell him.

"Oh come on, you are in a bar alone in a week night. This is your third glass since I have been sitting here and you've never once looked at the beautiful ladies in table 7, even though they have been staring at you all night" he tells me and I look at Table 7.

A group of five beautiful girls who look to be in their mid twenties are huddled over the table, drinking, chewing gum and 'instagramming'. Two of the girls make eye contact with me and smiles race across their crimson lips.

"I'm just working up the courage" I tell him and he smiles.

"Oh man, ain't nothing worse than lying to yourself. You gotta live your truth man" he says.

"Live my truth? That will get me killed!" I tell him through clenched teeth. The bar man comes to refill my drink and I keep quiet.

"Don't worry, Femi is my man. He knows the game" Icarus says and fist bumps Femi.

I wait until Femi refills my drink and goes to the other end of the slab to attend to another patron.

"Is he....gay" I ask Icarus.

"Nah, but he's cool. He's like my straight ally" Icarus says.

"Come on man, you can't live your life scared to death of what people might say or do" Icarus says and sips from his glass.

"Have you seen them mob .....gays? They don't even wait for the police" I tell Icarus.

"I'd rather live my life to the fullest even if it brings me death, than live in perpetual fear of what people might do or say. If you live your life afraid of their judgement, their 'he's an abomination' motto. Then you will always be their slave." Icarus opines.

"But aren't they right? Isn't it an abomination? Is it normal?" I ask him.

"Normal is relative. Normal is also temporal. Remember back in primary school? Everyone was taught that five cannot be subtracted from two because our small minds were too young to grasp the concept of negative integers. We were also taught that good things only happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people but adulthood has taught us that apart from black and white, other colors exist too" Icarus says with a smile.

"Okay, but still. It's a dangerous world out there. Even gays rob and kill gays" I tell him and he nods.

"You are right but I am not saying that you should put yourself in danger, I'm just saying that you should live your truth" he says.

"I don't even know what my truth is" I tell him. He looks at his watch.

"I wish we had more time but I have to go. I'm meeting someone" he says, standing up.

"A....a boyfriend?" I stammer.

"Yeah, well I'm about to break up with him" Icarus says with a familiar sadness creeping into his countenance. It is the same look he had while he sang.

"Why do you want to break up with him?" I ask.

"Well, for one thing, he is married and I don't want to be the other woman or man, you get what I mean?. I told him that I am traveling to the US. He says he can't leave his wife and he won't lose me too. He is very popular and so he feels that he can't leave the country with me. You must know, I didn't plan to be with a married man. It just happened" Icarus says and I look at him and I am awed. He is so free and he has accepted himself. I wish I understand what he means by "live your truth".

"So, will I see you again?" I ask him and he smiles.

He takes my hand in his and looks into my eyes, I try to maintain eye contact but I look away quickly.

"My username is Icarus4Life. The four is a number. Send me a message on f*******: and we'd connect. Nice to meet you Nate, the closet artist" he says and signals to Femi. He pays for his drink and mine. He gives me the peace sign and walks towards the entrance of the bar, a middle aged man enters the bar and meets him.

He takes Nate by the hand and they walk towards one of the private tables designed to look like private cubicles. The table is located at the furthest part of the bar.

I focus on my drink, my fingers are feeling a little numb now. My mind is swirling about Icarus. 'Live your truth' his voice resonates in my mind.

I think about you, I bring out my phone and there are no new messages.

I stare at my w******p status update "Delicate things"

I wonder what you are doing right now. I tell Femi good night and he smiles. I saunter to the glass door and try to open it and I stop.

A heated argument is coming from the corner where Icarus and his male paramour had entered. I look towards there, about six guys are beating Icarus.

At first, it looks like a comedy skit because they push him from person to person like football players in a pitch sharing passes.

"We were just talking. He was begging me to sponsor his music and before I could say anything, he tried to kiss me. That was when my friend Ayo walked in" the middle aged man that Icarus walked into the private cubicle with, says. He looks at another man standing beside him and the man nods.

"Yeah, doesn't he know that you are married? Doesn't he know that you are straight? These stupid gays are getting bolder every day" his friend says.

"No, no..that's not..that's ...not" Icarus slurs as blood flows from a large gash on his head. His oversize glasses are lying on the floor, he squints his eyes as he looks at the faces of his accusers.

"He is still talking, bring this guy outside and let us use him and set an example for the others" an angry drunk man says and they drag a weakened Icarus outside the bar.

I stand there immobilized with fear running down my spine as they drag Icarus into the rain.

From the glass doors I see a plank being raised high and then brought down with swift dexterity on Icarus's head. A tall fair fellow tears off Icarus's bloodied shirt exposing his lanky frame.

Words like 'homo' 'demon' 'abomination' and and 'filth' are thrown around in Igbo, Yoruba and English.

Icarus tries to stand but a stout man with protruding tummy kicks him on the head and his head hits the curb with amazing speed. Thunder strikes and lightning flashes across the brooding skies.

They bring out their phones and begin to record him.

Two boys grab the ankle ends of Icarus's trouser and with a single pull, they remove his trouser leaving him with a flowery blue boxer short covering his nakedness.

I look at his face, he is bleeding from both his nose and mouth. He looks towards me and I see fear written all over his face.

He knows that they are going to kill him. These are the people that clapped for him thirty minutes ago when he sang, they have been replaced by their darkness.

"Give them chance and they will start requesting for rights to sleep with children" an angry man screams and hits Icarus on the back of his head with a long stick.

I begin to wonder where they got the sticks from, then I look besides me and I see a snooker table.

"Legalize Homosexuality today and tomorrow they will start asking you to legalize p********a. Disgusting pieces of bull crap" another man says and spits on Icarus.

"We can't drink in peace without worrying about homos invading our spaces and trying to force themselves on us" a fair man says and his girlfriend laughs as she goes live on i********:.

"Happening right now at Lacibo bar in Lagos Island, this gay guy tried to r**e the popular socialite, Uwa" the girl says and brings her phone closer to Icarus' bloody face.

I can't take it anymore, I have to help him. I try to open the door and a large arm pulls me back. I look back and I see the bar man Femi. There is sadness written all over his face.

"Don't, don't try to help him. They will beat you too" Femi says.

"But he didn't force himself on that man! They were lovers, in fact he was about to break up with the man" I wail.

"Shut your mouth man. If they hear you, they will beat you up as well. I think Chief Uwa and Icarus were kissing when Chief Uwa's friend recognized him and Uwa had to claim that Icarus was forcing himself on him" Femi says.

"I thought that people here are exposed, civilized and well-read. I thought that they are progressive in their thinking, civilized!" I tell Femi and his lips c***k up with a sad smile.

"You are horribly mistaken my friend, there's no cure for herd mentality" he says.

I look at Icarus, he is curled up on the floor as the rains fall with all amount of alacrity. I see him raise his left palm up for a brief moment and then he brings it down.

A cold shiver runs down my spine and in that moment I know that it is too late.

A police van stops in front of the bar and the patrons run away, laughing and patting themselves on the back. One more abomination eliminated.

I look across the street and I see Icarus's paramour standing besides a Fancy jeep. From the headlamps of passing cars I can see how sad he looks. He looks as if he is crying. He shakes his head, enters the fancy jeep and drives away.

A police man climbs down from the patrol vehicle and flashes his torch on Icarus. His face is so bloody that his facial features are obscured.

The officer bends down and touches Icarus's neck. He looks at his partner in the car and waves his head.

"He is waving his head, what does that mean? He is waving his head!" I cry.

"Seems like Icarus has flown too close to the sun. I warned him to be more private but he wouldn't listen. You have to go" Femi tells me.

"Oh, God! Oh God!" I whimper.

"You have to go now, there is a back door. You need to leave if not the police will arrest you and take you in for questioning. I don't think you'd want that" Femi tells me and we walk through the back door into a dark street.

"Here, this is Icarus's glasses. You should have it" Femi says and hands me a cracked and bloody glass.

"Goodbye Bro, and a word of advice if I may?" He adds and I nod.

"You've seen what happened to Icarus tonight, you will do well to deaden every errant inclinations that you have. Stay safe" he says and tries to go back to the bar.

What about you?" I ask him. "They will probably close down the bar for investigation. Will you be alright?"

"I'm quitting tonight, I think it's time I started a pig sty. I've always wanted to be a farmer" Femi says with a broad smile racing across his face like someone who just remembered a wonderful dream.

"Will you be alright?" He asks and I nod. He comes out and hugs me.

"Stay safe bro" he says and goes back into the bar. I place Icarus's glasses into my pocket and I walk into the waiting arms of the dark street.

The rain has now slowed to a drizzle and as I drag my feet down the street and far away from Icarus, the bravest person I have ever met, I begin to wonder, how long until I end up like him; beaten, broken and betrayed.